As 2011 nears its end, I'm driven to reflect on this last year, as many of us do. It's almost surreal thinking of all that has happened this year... ending my 5-year relationship, numerous attempts at finding new love, living with and somehow losing one of my best friends, acquiring my very first apartment to myself, losing my dream job and starting a new path, hearing my ex is married... among the ups and downs of the year, the greatest gift I could ever receive was a brand, new, true love. The kind of love that happens quickly, but lasts a lifetime. The kind of love that embraces all of your wildest dreams, and creates new ones. The kind of love you couldn't understand unless you've been there.
I couldn't care for and appreciate this man more than I already do, yet somehow it grows stronger every day. Every part of me I only imagined someone would one day understand, he not only gets, he loves. I can be neurotic, controlling, emotional, ridiculously nerdy and dorky, independent, overattentive, worrisome, just... me. Me, myself and I. No one else. He embraces the good with the bad. Hell, he thinks it's sexy when I correct his spelling and grammar! Umm... jackpot maybe?
It hasn't even been a month, but I knew from the moment we met (officially) that this was something special. The best part of it all is knowing he feels exactly the same way. There are no anxious feelings, just comfort. I don't ache with anticipation when he's away; I know he'll always be back. He is hard-working, independent, loving, supportive, goofy, hilarious, and- well... he loves me. Which shows how intelligent he is. ;)
They say when you least expect it, it finds you. I spent a good majority of this year wondering when this so-called "it" would find me. There were many lonely nights, heartbreaks, bouts of desperation and close-calls to giving up... through it all, I remained true to myself, my heart and my soul. I never really gave up, though I did attempt to force feelings in some situations. When it comes along, though, there is no forcing to be had... it happens naturally. You can't stop it, you can't control it; you can only get in, sit down, shut up and hang on for dear life. Neither of us knows what the future holds, but we're taking it one day at a time. There will be fights, tough times, obstacles and barriers; but when it's real, all barriers can and will be broken. I have faith that, for now at least, my heart is in the right hands. Whatever happens from here on out, happens.
I am happier than I have been in a long time, if ever. My blessings could fill the depths of space. So as I ring in the new year, I look back with a smile on my face. No matter what has happened over the course of 2011, I know in my heart it was meant to be... leading me to my current state of bliss. I don't know what 2012 holds in store, but I'm ready and able to take in the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I've learned anything, it's to never lose faith, never lose hope, never look back with regret... always love, always embrace the moment, and always remember that there's always a brand new day tomorrow. Wishing everyone a happy holiday, a glorious new year, and the strength to continue on in life, no matter what it hands you. No funny ending here, just positive vibes to my loved ones and theirs... may you be showered with the love I receive every day from my sweetheart, and may you never lose faith in yourself. Happy Holidays! <3
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Happiness Is A Warm Heart
Before I was fired from Starbucks, I knew it was coming. I also thought it would end all of the happiness in my life... from a job I loved, to my dream apartment, I felt my world was about to cave in and destroy me. Well, it didn't... and I came to terms with that, long before they pulled the plug.
Yes, I kept hope alive in my heart that my inevitable fate would not actually occur... but a part of me had already accepted it as what was meant to be. Starbucks was my life; my life was Starbucks. That, in itself, was the ultimate problem. You see, I am what I like to call an "equal-opportunity lover", in the sense that I pretty much love everything. I have many passions and joys in life that I was missing out on the last couple of years. From my music to cooking to something as simple as a puzzle, my life had many gaps in it that I filled with my passion for my work. But for me, my work is life. Life is the journey, and I was stuck at a rest-stop for two years. I've heard it said that you can be alive, but still not living. I finally understand this statement.
I can say today- now, I am finally living. Things have worked themselves out, as they tend to do... but much more than that, I am creating a life for myself that includes my main passion in life: LIFE. Since my departure from Starbucks, I have reconnected with acquaintances and made them lifetime friends; I have delved into music in ways I never have; I have focused on making my dream apartment what I actually see in my dreams; hell, I've even done a puzzle! Even as I was searching for new jobs, I refused to commit to anything I didn't actually want to do, even if I should have for the sake of my situation. Now, I am about to start two jobs at places I actually want to work at, in an area I love, and within a block from each other! I have acquired, one way or another, everything I need to complete my apartment and maintain a healthy lifestyle here. I've even met someone incredible, who accepts me exactly as I am. Every piece of me. Although it is still very new, it is an amazing feeling to meet and connect with someone who completely understands my mindset. I... am living.
Through everything I've gone through recently, the one thing that kept me positive and going strong... was myself. I learned a while ago that loving and accepting yourself, exactly as you are, is the most important key to happiness. Friends and loved ones come and go, family starts their own families, but you are the only person with yourself 100% of the time. No matter what. If you don't love yourself, then you have a long road ahead of you with someone you don't even want to be around!
Tonight, I coined a... statement, if you will, and stated it to two different people in my life. One is someone I never talk to, the other a constant in my life. "Happiness, though strengthened by those around us, originates within." I am quite proud of that statement, and stand by it with all of my faith and belief. I always tell people that I am great at giving advice, but terrible at receiving it. Well, following it. But, because of that, I have learned my life's lessons through my own choices, my own mistakes, and my own understanding of how to handle situations thrown at me by this thing called life. I am by no means perfect, but I take pride in the fact that my perspective assists me with life and everything it's got. I can be disgustingly positive at times, but when I truly need it, I push through obstacles I never thought I could. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things, but I find the best way is with a smile on your face, acceptance of what we cannot change, and the strength to change what we can. Okay... maybe I stole that from somewhere. What are you, the quote police?! ..... Yeahhh, maybe I'm a bit rusty... Smiles and Love to All! :)
Yes, I kept hope alive in my heart that my inevitable fate would not actually occur... but a part of me had already accepted it as what was meant to be. Starbucks was my life; my life was Starbucks. That, in itself, was the ultimate problem. You see, I am what I like to call an "equal-opportunity lover", in the sense that I pretty much love everything. I have many passions and joys in life that I was missing out on the last couple of years. From my music to cooking to something as simple as a puzzle, my life had many gaps in it that I filled with my passion for my work. But for me, my work is life. Life is the journey, and I was stuck at a rest-stop for two years. I've heard it said that you can be alive, but still not living. I finally understand this statement.
I can say today- now, I am finally living. Things have worked themselves out, as they tend to do... but much more than that, I am creating a life for myself that includes my main passion in life: LIFE. Since my departure from Starbucks, I have reconnected with acquaintances and made them lifetime friends; I have delved into music in ways I never have; I have focused on making my dream apartment what I actually see in my dreams; hell, I've even done a puzzle! Even as I was searching for new jobs, I refused to commit to anything I didn't actually want to do, even if I should have for the sake of my situation. Now, I am about to start two jobs at places I actually want to work at, in an area I love, and within a block from each other! I have acquired, one way or another, everything I need to complete my apartment and maintain a healthy lifestyle here. I've even met someone incredible, who accepts me exactly as I am. Every piece of me. Although it is still very new, it is an amazing feeling to meet and connect with someone who completely understands my mindset. I... am living.
Through everything I've gone through recently, the one thing that kept me positive and going strong... was myself. I learned a while ago that loving and accepting yourself, exactly as you are, is the most important key to happiness. Friends and loved ones come and go, family starts their own families, but you are the only person with yourself 100% of the time. No matter what. If you don't love yourself, then you have a long road ahead of you with someone you don't even want to be around!
Tonight, I coined a... statement, if you will, and stated it to two different people in my life. One is someone I never talk to, the other a constant in my life. "Happiness, though strengthened by those around us, originates within." I am quite proud of that statement, and stand by it with all of my faith and belief. I always tell people that I am great at giving advice, but terrible at receiving it. Well, following it. But, because of that, I have learned my life's lessons through my own choices, my own mistakes, and my own understanding of how to handle situations thrown at me by this thing called life. I am by no means perfect, but I take pride in the fact that my perspective assists me with life and everything it's got. I can be disgustingly positive at times, but when I truly need it, I push through obstacles I never thought I could. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things, but I find the best way is with a smile on your face, acceptance of what we cannot change, and the strength to change what we can. Okay... maybe I stole that from somewhere. What are you, the quote police?! ..... Yeahhh, maybe I'm a bit rusty... Smiles and Love to All! :)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I'm All Shook Up
So many interesting things happening in my life right now... some good, sooome... not so good. "Well, what on earth do you mean, Shaneil?" Oh! Listen up!
I guess I shouldn't get you too excited... some 'happenings' in my life are better left unsaid at the moment... I am definitely feeling a twist of emotions, as I bounce between hope for the future, and angst for what may occur. I have accomplished so much recently, and am extremely proud of it... but. I am about to learn a tough lesson in sticking to my gut and following my moral instincts. It has shaken me awake to the fact that it could all disappear in an instant. No matter the outcome, I only have myself to blame, and that is not a fun feeling. Taking full responsibility for actions that damage your life is a difficult, but necessary, choice. As I've said before, you choose the outcome of your life. You can't control what's given to you, but you can and should control how you handle it. Having taken a situation and chosen the wrong path, I am dealing with the consequences, whatever they may be, and continuing down this path called life the best way I know how... true to myself; true to my heart.
My career is either going to take a very sharp turn, or continue on with a slap on the hand... in any case, my perspective is completely revamped and my guard up more than ever. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I chose to do something wrong and am feeling the pain as I await the results... In my life, I've always believed in good karma. Call it what you want, but every time I chose to be honest and true when I could've attempted the alternative, something good came back around and proved my choice valid. Now, I sit and stew as I find out what the bad can be... another lesson learned; another growth opportunity. I guess we'll just see...
On the other side of the rusty penny, I'm embracing love from all directions. I have a large number of people in my life who care about me, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. You know who you are, and I appreciate you. No matter what happens in life, having a strong support system can get you through the toughest of times. While my journey continues to move up and down, I can always count on the fact that I have a number of shoulders to cry on, lean on, or rest on with a smile on my face. Most importantly, I have myself to count on... and Buster. :) If I get down on myself, he reminds me that at least one being has unconditional love for me... even if I make a mistake. He's my little guy, and my big rock. I just love the heck out of him!
When life throws the ball in your face, go for three more and take the base! Or walk to the mound and punch life in the mouth. Either way, the earth may move below your feet, shaking your world and knocking things down a bit... but if you keep your balance, head on straight, and eyes looking forward- everything falls into place exactly as it should be. So yes, I'm a bit anxious to see what the next couple of weeks hold, but I know that everything happening to me is leading me in the direction it's supposed to... my future. No one else's future, just mine. What I do with it is in my hands, and I prefer the driver's seat over the passenger's. I like to hold the remote. And I wanna push the button!! Okay, I love you, buh bye!
I guess I shouldn't get you too excited... some 'happenings' in my life are better left unsaid at the moment... I am definitely feeling a twist of emotions, as I bounce between hope for the future, and angst for what may occur. I have accomplished so much recently, and am extremely proud of it... but. I am about to learn a tough lesson in sticking to my gut and following my moral instincts. It has shaken me awake to the fact that it could all disappear in an instant. No matter the outcome, I only have myself to blame, and that is not a fun feeling. Taking full responsibility for actions that damage your life is a difficult, but necessary, choice. As I've said before, you choose the outcome of your life. You can't control what's given to you, but you can and should control how you handle it. Having taken a situation and chosen the wrong path, I am dealing with the consequences, whatever they may be, and continuing down this path called life the best way I know how... true to myself; true to my heart.
My career is either going to take a very sharp turn, or continue on with a slap on the hand... in any case, my perspective is completely revamped and my guard up more than ever. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I chose to do something wrong and am feeling the pain as I await the results... In my life, I've always believed in good karma. Call it what you want, but every time I chose to be honest and true when I could've attempted the alternative, something good came back around and proved my choice valid. Now, I sit and stew as I find out what the bad can be... another lesson learned; another growth opportunity. I guess we'll just see...
On the other side of the rusty penny, I'm embracing love from all directions. I have a large number of people in my life who care about me, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. You know who you are, and I appreciate you. No matter what happens in life, having a strong support system can get you through the toughest of times. While my journey continues to move up and down, I can always count on the fact that I have a number of shoulders to cry on, lean on, or rest on with a smile on my face. Most importantly, I have myself to count on... and Buster. :) If I get down on myself, he reminds me that at least one being has unconditional love for me... even if I make a mistake. He's my little guy, and my big rock. I just love the heck out of him!
When life throws the ball in your face, go for three more and take the base! Or walk to the mound and punch life in the mouth. Either way, the earth may move below your feet, shaking your world and knocking things down a bit... but if you keep your balance, head on straight, and eyes looking forward- everything falls into place exactly as it should be. So yes, I'm a bit anxious to see what the next couple of weeks hold, but I know that everything happening to me is leading me in the direction it's supposed to... my future. No one else's future, just mine. What I do with it is in my hands, and I prefer the driver's seat over the passenger's. I like to hold the remote. And I wanna push the button!! Okay, I love you, buh bye!
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I Just Can't Hide It...
WOW! Has it really been a month?? It doesn't feel like it... yet it feels like forever. It's partially thanks to my incompetent computer... donations for a new one can be sent here:
...you can't see it, but that's my hand.
I'm sure many of you have realized by now that I have a problem... for when do I truly need written word as therapy than when I have a problem? Such is life... yadda yadda yadda. I'm realizing more and more about myself as I travel down the lonely path of singledom... which I'm sure I've mentioned before. I do not forsee much wit in this post, so bear with me...
Every time any glimmer of hope for love comes into my path, I get so damn excited that I push it away. It's a horrible curse that I cannot seem to break. Someone HELP ME! Seriously. Slap me. Or something. Something to wake. my. ass. UP! Nobody likes an overbearing, overattentive loon such as myself... but when I view someone as simply a friend, and treat said person as such, they seem to fall so easily. So what's the deal? I either treat someone as a friend and receive the awkwardness of them pursuing more... orrr I finally feel something and get so flippin' excited that they run for the hills. This is a problem. A problem that lies solely in my hands; my life; my actions. How irritating! Why can't I just relax and let life happen? Well... this is why, folks.
When something good happens to me, I immediately prepare for the worst. Because of this, I decide to hold on as tightly as possible until ultimately, said "good thing" disappears... running in the other direction to avoid their impending doom... my love. 'Cause who the hell wants that??! *Siiigh*
I think that guys and gals are so interesting... guys don't want you to chase. They want to chase. I realize this. I'm aware of this. Yet, when a good guy presents himself, I tend to overbear and overpush and overdo ev.er.y.thing. Annoying, I know. I just can't help it! Then, he becomes just not that into me. And so the vicious circle continues...
I've been (well, previously been) preaching about how you have to focus on yourself... but, myself needs love. She needs attention. She thrives off having someone there to focus on and be attentive with... I can only give myself so much love. I can only be there for myself so much. I can only sit around and talk to myself so much... yes, I do that. Are you really surprised? Get outta' here... seriously. Go.
One day... someday... I will find that one; that one that gets me... that understands me... that appreciates me. My impatience is truly a curse... BUT. When I do find that someone, everything will come into place and feel right... or maybe even wrong. In any case, I will find it. When? Shit... you tell me.
...you can't see it, but that's my hand.
I'm sure many of you have realized by now that I have a problem... for when do I truly need written word as therapy than when I have a problem? Such is life... yadda yadda yadda. I'm realizing more and more about myself as I travel down the lonely path of singledom... which I'm sure I've mentioned before. I do not forsee much wit in this post, so bear with me...
Every time any glimmer of hope for love comes into my path, I get so damn excited that I push it away. It's a horrible curse that I cannot seem to break. Someone HELP ME! Seriously. Slap me. Or something. Something to wake. my. ass. UP! Nobody likes an overbearing, overattentive loon such as myself... but when I view someone as simply a friend, and treat said person as such, they seem to fall so easily. So what's the deal? I either treat someone as a friend and receive the awkwardness of them pursuing more... orrr I finally feel something and get so flippin' excited that they run for the hills. This is a problem. A problem that lies solely in my hands; my life; my actions. How irritating! Why can't I just relax and let life happen? Well... this is why, folks.
When something good happens to me, I immediately prepare for the worst. Because of this, I decide to hold on as tightly as possible until ultimately, said "good thing" disappears... running in the other direction to avoid their impending doom... my love. 'Cause who the hell wants that??! *Siiigh*
I think that guys and gals are so interesting... guys don't want you to chase. They want to chase. I realize this. I'm aware of this. Yet, when a good guy presents himself, I tend to overbear and overpush and overdo ev.er.y.thing. Annoying, I know. I just can't help it! Then, he becomes just not that into me. And so the vicious circle continues...
I've been (well, previously been) preaching about how you have to focus on yourself... but, myself needs love. She needs attention. She thrives off having someone there to focus on and be attentive with... I can only give myself so much love. I can only be there for myself so much. I can only sit around and talk to myself so much... yes, I do that. Are you really surprised? Get outta' here... seriously. Go.
One day... someday... I will find that one; that one that gets me... that understands me... that appreciates me. My impatience is truly a curse... BUT. When I do find that someone, everything will come into place and feel right... or maybe even wrong. In any case, I will find it. When? Shit... you tell me.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Movin' On Forward
It is quite late, and I was curled up, ready for sleep... but I felt a desire to write I haven't felt in a while... sooo... I'm going with it.
As I lay my head down to the pillow, I instantly realized something. Like a shot in the dark, it jolted me. Once again, I've been misguiding my focus onto things I need not be... misguiding them... to. Or something like that. I'm losing faith in myself, as I start my same routine all over again- procrastination, dreaminess, bad habits...
I had an interesting moment tonight; moments, in fact, right before I lay down to attempt sleep. I talked to God. Now, I don't usually discuss religion on here, mainly because I dislike stirring up strong debates over such touchy subjects... I have high anxiety, remember? BUT. For tonight, I will tell you that I do believe we are far too special to not have something greater than us, out there, watching over us... in one way or another. I do believe most of what I've learned from Christianity. However, I have my own special relationship with said "being" that may go against normal standards. I am comfortable in the fact that I try to live my life the best I can, but acknowledge that I make mistakes and feel remorse for them. I'm tryin'...
Moving along, I had a talk with God... and having not done so in quite some time, I realized how faith is so easily lost. For myself, at least. Without notice, I've lost a little faith in... me... and it's brought my mood down a bit the past few days. What a relief to have realized it this soon! As soon as I have these smack you in the face moments... well. I feel like I've been smacked in the face! It really wakes me up to a new single-life situation that I'm just not used to, I suppose. This is my first time, living completely alone, and it's not always easy. BUT. But, but, but... it is absolutely, totally, one-hundred friggen' percent... worth. it. I'm only a month in, but each day is a tiny hurdle... Tonight, I feel refreshed. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as I return my focus to myself, once again. Not to fear, folks- Shaneil's figurin' shit out!
I'm now even more excited that I already have another 2 days off, coming up soon. Everything's coming together, piece by piece. This puzzle of a life has so much color, some gray areas, even just black and white... but it's all building towards something greater, and I feel it more than ever. I feel myself growing every day, into the woman I've always wanted to be. It's my time to shine, and this fire is BLAZIN'!
As I lay my head down to the pillow, I instantly realized something. Like a shot in the dark, it jolted me. Once again, I've been misguiding my focus onto things I need not be... misguiding them... to. Or something like that. I'm losing faith in myself, as I start my same routine all over again- procrastination, dreaminess, bad habits...
I had an interesting moment tonight; moments, in fact, right before I lay down to attempt sleep. I talked to God. Now, I don't usually discuss religion on here, mainly because I dislike stirring up strong debates over such touchy subjects... I have high anxiety, remember? BUT. For tonight, I will tell you that I do believe we are far too special to not have something greater than us, out there, watching over us... in one way or another. I do believe most of what I've learned from Christianity. However, I have my own special relationship with said "being" that may go against normal standards. I am comfortable in the fact that I try to live my life the best I can, but acknowledge that I make mistakes and feel remorse for them. I'm tryin'...
Moving along, I had a talk with God... and having not done so in quite some time, I realized how faith is so easily lost. For myself, at least. Without notice, I've lost a little faith in... me... and it's brought my mood down a bit the past few days. What a relief to have realized it this soon! As soon as I have these smack you in the face moments... well. I feel like I've been smacked in the face! It really wakes me up to a new single-life situation that I'm just not used to, I suppose. This is my first time, living completely alone, and it's not always easy. BUT. But, but, but... it is absolutely, totally, one-hundred friggen' percent... worth. it. I'm only a month in, but each day is a tiny hurdle... Tonight, I feel refreshed. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as I return my focus to myself, once again. Not to fear, folks- Shaneil's figurin' shit out!
I'm now even more excited that I already have another 2 days off, coming up soon. Everything's coming together, piece by piece. This puzzle of a life has so much color, some gray areas, even just black and white... but it's all building towards something greater, and I feel it more than ever. I feel myself growing every day, into the woman I've always wanted to be. It's my time to shine, and this fire is BLAZIN'!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Deep Space
*Siiigh* I've been blogging less and less and it makes me sad... but it's a good thing. A very good thing. Life has kept me busy lately and it's a refreshing sense of adventure. I'm out on my own, doing everything on my own, surrounded by family and friends that truly care about me... me me. Not someone I pretend to be so people can tolerate me... they just take my crazy, emotional, dreamy self and love me for who I am. It's quite a feeling to know people truly appreciate you and believe in you. In this new apartment, I feel alive... alive in a way I never have. And I'm making moves at a job I love, yet reconnecting with my passion, music. Ohhh music, I've missed the hell out of you!
As with anyone, though, my life is faaar from perfect. I'm hitting my own bumps in the road, but I'm holding my head high, believing in myself in a way I thought I never could. But yes, I'm looonely. Boo-fricken'-hoo. I greatly dislike feeling this way, but it comes with the territory. I like having someone to come home to, or someone to hold hands with. I know it's cheesy, but I do love love. Who doesn't? I'm accepting and somewhat comfortable with this state of being, but I do not have to like it! *crosses arms*
I'm not particularly interested in discussing one specific topic in this post... I'm sort of just... thinking out loud? Or aloud? Which is it? Anyways. I guess I've been struggling with this "blog" because I'm almost afraid to say "out loud/aloud" what I'm really thinking... which is DEFINITELY a first for me! I guess... I'm still settling into this new feeling... so it's difficult to express. I feel completely different, yet remain the same ol' me. I'm not sure what it all means yet, but I feel good about the future. I can only imagine what it holds, which is dangerous for me, so I'm preparing for the worst, yet hoping for the best. It's strange... I cannot even, for the life of me, be the least bit witty! Sorry folks, guess Shaneil's on a different playing field now. I'd watch for foul balls.
As with anyone, though, my life is faaar from perfect. I'm hitting my own bumps in the road, but I'm holding my head high, believing in myself in a way I thought I never could. But yes, I'm looonely. Boo-fricken'-hoo. I greatly dislike feeling this way, but it comes with the territory. I like having someone to come home to, or someone to hold hands with. I know it's cheesy, but I do love love. Who doesn't? I'm accepting and somewhat comfortable with this state of being, but I do not have to like it! *crosses arms*
I'm not particularly interested in discussing one specific topic in this post... I'm sort of just... thinking out loud? Or aloud? Which is it? Anyways. I guess I've been struggling with this "blog" because I'm almost afraid to say "out loud/aloud" what I'm really thinking... which is DEFINITELY a first for me! I guess... I'm still settling into this new feeling... so it's difficult to express. I feel completely different, yet remain the same ol' me. I'm not sure what it all means yet, but I feel good about the future. I can only imagine what it holds, which is dangerous for me, so I'm preparing for the worst, yet hoping for the best. It's strange... I cannot even, for the life of me, be the least bit witty! Sorry folks, guess Shaneil's on a different playing field now. I'd watch for foul balls.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
New Dawn, New Day, New Life... Part 3
Leave it to your best friend to keep you motivated, even if from about 230 miles away! The last two weeks have flown on by, but it's only because I've been so incredibly happy, I barely noticed. I've missed you, blogger- let's chat!
Many of my friends are getting married, getting pregnant, getting puked on by their little ones; but today, it's just me and my little man, Buster. My new place is everything and more... more than I imagined it could be. Sure, it's just a little studio in the heart of Koreatown... but it's so perfect for me, I could puke on myself! From my own space, to the building, to the landlord and all of the tenants within, it is a place I call home with a smile on my face. :) <---see?
I preach about the fact that we control what we receive in life, but it's more than that... it's being able to put yourself out there for good things to happen to you. Sometimes, you have to put pride, dignity, and all of that other rubbish on the shelf, and truly strive for what you want. When I came to view this apartment, I immediately fell in love. Nothing could stop me from getting my dream apartment, not even myself! Through reaching out to friends and family for help financially, manually labor...ly, and emotionally, I achieved my goal and am now sitting in said dream apartment, Buster by my side, helicopters filling the air, a breeze flowing through my windows (which, by the way, face a pretty nice view of LA! Did I mention my last apartment had two windows? That faced walls? WALLS?!) I am exactly where I need to be, and it took letting my guard down and asking for help. They say there's nothing wrong with asking for help, and I stand here as your proof. It is TOTALLY worth it!
Though I give due credit to those who helped me in one way or another, I take pride in the fact that this happened because I made it happen. I made the steps to acquire what I needed to achieve this goal... as for the last two weeks in new habitat? Ohhhh boy...
Through battles with a lack of funds, a lack of necessary moving help, a lack of time, stow away roaches, deflating air mattresses, and so on... I came out on the other side with newfound friendships with amazing neighbors, an aching desire to come home every night, discoveries of little gems in markets that smell like spoiled milk (a broom for a dolla'?? Holla'!), and the perfect setting for me to fall back in love with my true love... music. That's right, kids! I fixed what I thought was a broken string, and have been playing/singing every. flippin'. DAY! My voice has never sounded better, my confidence has never been so strong, and my heart has never been so full of a driving force pushing me towards what I truly want: to attempt something with my music. I need to really dive into it with practice and practice aaaaand... more practice first, but it's coming... oh, yes! It's coming...
I've met some boys and had some fun, I've snuggled my pup when the day is done. I've hung some clothes and dressed some walls, I've reminisced through unpacking it all. This life is mine and only for me, and it's finally what I want it to be... look out world, Shaneil's in the driver's seat, and her high beams are blinding any obstacle in her way! It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me... and damn it, I'm feelin' gooooooood.
Many of my friends are getting married, getting pregnant, getting puked on by their little ones; but today, it's just me and my little man, Buster. My new place is everything and more... more than I imagined it could be. Sure, it's just a little studio in the heart of Koreatown... but it's so perfect for me, I could puke on myself! From my own space, to the building, to the landlord and all of the tenants within, it is a place I call home with a smile on my face. :) <---see?
I preach about the fact that we control what we receive in life, but it's more than that... it's being able to put yourself out there for good things to happen to you. Sometimes, you have to put pride, dignity, and all of that other rubbish on the shelf, and truly strive for what you want. When I came to view this apartment, I immediately fell in love. Nothing could stop me from getting my dream apartment, not even myself! Through reaching out to friends and family for help financially, manually labor...ly, and emotionally, I achieved my goal and am now sitting in said dream apartment, Buster by my side, helicopters filling the air, a breeze flowing through my windows (which, by the way, face a pretty nice view of LA! Did I mention my last apartment had two windows? That faced walls? WALLS?!) I am exactly where I need to be, and it took letting my guard down and asking for help. They say there's nothing wrong with asking for help, and I stand here as your proof. It is TOTALLY worth it!
Though I give due credit to those who helped me in one way or another, I take pride in the fact that this happened because I made it happen. I made the steps to acquire what I needed to achieve this goal... as for the last two weeks in new habitat? Ohhhh boy...
Through battles with a lack of funds, a lack of necessary moving help, a lack of time, stow away roaches, deflating air mattresses, and so on... I came out on the other side with newfound friendships with amazing neighbors, an aching desire to come home every night, discoveries of little gems in markets that smell like spoiled milk (a broom for a dolla'?? Holla'!), and the perfect setting for me to fall back in love with my true love... music. That's right, kids! I fixed what I thought was a broken string, and have been playing/singing every. flippin'. DAY! My voice has never sounded better, my confidence has never been so strong, and my heart has never been so full of a driving force pushing me towards what I truly want: to attempt something with my music. I need to really dive into it with practice and practice aaaaand... more practice first, but it's coming... oh, yes! It's coming...
I've met some boys and had some fun, I've snuggled my pup when the day is done. I've hung some clothes and dressed some walls, I've reminisced through unpacking it all. This life is mine and only for me, and it's finally what I want it to be... look out world, Shaneil's in the driver's seat, and her high beams are blinding any obstacle in her way! It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me... and damn it, I'm feelin' gooooooood.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Addiction- The Cure
I have an extremely addictive personality. I get easily hooked on the most random things, including things I should not do. I'm a known cigarette smoker, I am a very habitual person, including some slight OCD issues... haha. As some of you know. Buuuut... in the right circumstance, this is a good thing for me. I have the ability to create good habits and never lose them. My problem is creating the good habit in the first place. Well, although with a little help (a little LOT of help) from my Grammy, I am hours away from receiving the keys to my very first apartment, all by my lonesome. Obtained on my own. And I couldn't. be. any. friggin'. HAPPIER.
This whole "achieving-things-on-my-own" bit is kinda' nice! What a rewarding feeling... sure, I've been on my own for 8 years now, but I've always had someone there as support- be it a roommate, boyfriend, or staying with family. This is the first time I've ever been completely on my own, and it feels AH-mazing! Now, I did receive some financial "aid" if you will, but it's only because my crappity crap credit score is low, requiring a double-deposit on this "dream apartment" of mine. Had I NOT had such bad credit, I could've easily paid the deposit on my own. Good enough for me!
This feeling of joy... of accomplishment... of pure and undeniable hope and excitement for the future is truly... addicting. Please, sir- I want some more! Yes, please. I have a long list of things I've been wanting to accomplish, and the fire is lit, yet again! Except this time, my head is at last clear of all nonsense. "Lay to rest the wastes of time..." My mind is mine once again, and it's time to get down to fuckin' business. Darn it!
A whole new chapter, fo' shizzle. Nizzle. This is my time to shine... and I don't mean some freak in a poorly-acted movie. Sorry Twizzle. I feel great and I just can't hide my smile these days! It really is a new beginning for me... at last.
This whole "achieving-things-on-my-own" bit is kinda' nice! What a rewarding feeling... sure, I've been on my own for 8 years now, but I've always had someone there as support- be it a roommate, boyfriend, or staying with family. This is the first time I've ever been completely on my own, and it feels AH-mazing! Now, I did receive some financial "aid" if you will, but it's only because my crappity crap credit score is low, requiring a double-deposit on this "dream apartment" of mine. Had I NOT had such bad credit, I could've easily paid the deposit on my own. Good enough for me!
This feeling of joy... of accomplishment... of pure and undeniable hope and excitement for the future is truly... addicting. Please, sir- I want some more! Yes, please. I have a long list of things I've been wanting to accomplish, and the fire is lit, yet again! Except this time, my head is at last clear of all nonsense. "Lay to rest the wastes of time..." My mind is mine once again, and it's time to get down to fuckin' business. Darn it!
A whole new chapter, fo' shizzle. Nizzle. This is my time to shine... and I don't mean some freak in a poorly-acted movie. Sorry Twizzle. I feel great and I just can't hide my smile these days! It really is a new beginning for me... at last.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
A New Beginning - At Last
Wow. You know you really care about someone when you're happy to see them so happy. I had a couple of people tell me this new thing said person has won't last... but even if it doesn't, he just looks so damn happy, I'm almost at peace with it. At the same time, it makes this whole thing a little bit sadder for me.
It's strange how attached you can allow yourself to become to someone in such a short time. (Wow. "Editor's note": That sentence bugs the crap out of me, but I don't know how else to word it. Ha!) I'm sad, but again, relieved. It's all kind of a blur, so I'm left with thoughts of the future. Which I'm really excited about! I'm sooo close to moving into this dream apartment of mine... I'm working out a few kinks, but everything's in my hands. Now, if I could just get some damn movers! ANYONE! Seriously. Please? :D
I have a lot I want to accomplish. One such thing is getting back into music. I miss it more than ever, and I'm aching to feel that guitar in my hand again with newfound perspective and creative juices raring to go... I feel very good things in the future of Shaneil's "music career", in the sense that I'm anxious to actually do something. My little "gig" seems ages ago... another loss in the mess I made. But I'm ready to find it again, and ecstatic to do so!
Things are going to be okay. I truly believe that. It doesn't mean I won't hurt. It doesn't mean I won't ache. It certainly doesn't mean I won't cry. But it does mean that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and my track is finally on course again. Come here, life! Gimme a hug!
It's strange how attached you can allow yourself to become to someone in such a short time. (Wow. "Editor's note": That sentence bugs the crap out of me, but I don't know how else to word it. Ha!) I'm sad, but again, relieved. It's all kind of a blur, so I'm left with thoughts of the future. Which I'm really excited about! I'm sooo close to moving into this dream apartment of mine... I'm working out a few kinks, but everything's in my hands. Now, if I could just get some damn movers! ANYONE! Seriously. Please? :D
I have a lot I want to accomplish. One such thing is getting back into music. I miss it more than ever, and I'm aching to feel that guitar in my hand again with newfound perspective and creative juices raring to go... I feel very good things in the future of Shaneil's "music career", in the sense that I'm anxious to actually do something. My little "gig" seems ages ago... another loss in the mess I made. But I'm ready to find it again, and ecstatic to do so!
Things are going to be okay. I truly believe that. It doesn't mean I won't hurt. It doesn't mean I won't ache. It certainly doesn't mean I won't cry. But it does mean that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and my track is finally on course again. Come here, life! Gimme a hug!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I Saw The Sign...s
Ohhh, what a silly little woman I am! Looking back on everything, I keep seeing the "signs". I feel like one of the characters from "He's Just Not That Into You". I had outside perspectives, similar situations, and the undying hope of something happening- all clouding my mind. Blinded by like...
Sometimes, we want something so bad, we ignore the signs. When you're grasping onto any kind of hope, you tend to only see and hear what you want. All directions pointed to "never gonna happen", but I would take the smallest inkling of possibility and run with it... never looking back at the mess I left behind. Kind of makes me want to kick myself in the ass... but again, it's just another lesson learned. No need to berate myself for following my heart, just need to remember to keep my head on straight in the process.
I keep flashing back to random memories, and end up laughing to myself about the evidence I refused to see... so much makes sense now. So. Much. It actually feels good to look back and recognize what I couldn't back then... I feel like I'm reliving the entire course of events, with a brand new perspective. Boy, was I way off track! Such is this crazy life we're living...
It's been such a rollercoaster ride of a year, up and down and side to side and... ugh, it's making me sick. Haven't I already said I don't like rollercoasters??? Sheesh! I'm planting my feet back on the ground and staying there, damn it! So much and yet so little has happened... but it's all pushing me in the direction that I need to be headed. I'm learning lessons and picking up new tricks along the way. My perspective is completely revamped and I'm reentering my world with hope, courage, love and self-worth. Most importantly, I'm no longer ignoring the signs. The universe has my back if I choose to listen, so I'm all ears. Literally. I had surgery to replace my limbs with extra ears- you can never be too prepared! Or... prepEARed...? Okay, that was a stretch. This is why I write at night.
Sometimes, we want something so bad, we ignore the signs. When you're grasping onto any kind of hope, you tend to only see and hear what you want. All directions pointed to "never gonna happen", but I would take the smallest inkling of possibility and run with it... never looking back at the mess I left behind. Kind of makes me want to kick myself in the ass... but again, it's just another lesson learned. No need to berate myself for following my heart, just need to remember to keep my head on straight in the process.
I keep flashing back to random memories, and end up laughing to myself about the evidence I refused to see... so much makes sense now. So. Much. It actually feels good to look back and recognize what I couldn't back then... I feel like I'm reliving the entire course of events, with a brand new perspective. Boy, was I way off track! Such is this crazy life we're living...
It's been such a rollercoaster ride of a year, up and down and side to side and... ugh, it's making me sick. Haven't I already said I don't like rollercoasters??? Sheesh! I'm planting my feet back on the ground and staying there, damn it! So much and yet so little has happened... but it's all pushing me in the direction that I need to be headed. I'm learning lessons and picking up new tricks along the way. My perspective is completely revamped and I'm reentering my world with hope, courage, love and self-worth. Most importantly, I'm no longer ignoring the signs. The universe has my back if I choose to listen, so I'm all ears. Literally. I had surgery to replace my limbs with extra ears- you can never be too prepared! Or... prepEARed...? Okay, that was a stretch. This is why I write at night.
Me, Myself and I
It's been a long 24 hours... yet, suddenly it's over, and I'm thinking- "What the hell just happened?" I feel different... but I feel relieved more than anything. I feel like I should be sad, but I can't seem to put my head down. Gah... I just thought thoughts that I cannot write down. Focus, Shaneil!
I think sometimes it takes a little heartbreak to reveal those who truly care. They remind you that you are truly blessed and refocus your attention to what's important. I have felt pretty darn good all day, minus the intermittent conversation with said person. It got better... but it's definitely going to be a "friendship-in-progress". I need time to be alone. What better timing than a week before I move out on my own, by myself? Hmm... touche, life.
This is certainly a new chapter for me. I have let things slide by and time slip away on the hope of something I knew would never happen. Ha, it's been a long time since I've been in the, um... "field", is it? I got carried away in the thought of something I thought would be good for me... I don't regret it, because I wrote some pretty kick-ass songs through it all. Songs you should all be hearing soon. That's right, people. As soon as I get into this new apartment... and get paid again haha... I'm restringing my poor, lonesome guitar and revisiting an old love. It's been too long... I'll never be unfaithful again.
Times, they are a-changin'... that's for damn sure! The shock I didn't expect numbed the initial pain of it all... I'm sure a good cry is in order, but for now I'm holding my head high and moving forward. I feel confident in the fact that one day, I will meet someone who recognizes what I stand for, appreciates the joy I find in life, and cherishes the love I share... Just little ol' me. In the meantime? I'm my own fuckin' best friend, and it's about time I acted like it.
I think sometimes it takes a little heartbreak to reveal those who truly care. They remind you that you are truly blessed and refocus your attention to what's important. I have felt pretty darn good all day, minus the intermittent conversation with said person. It got better... but it's definitely going to be a "friendship-in-progress". I need time to be alone. What better timing than a week before I move out on my own, by myself? Hmm... touche, life.
This is certainly a new chapter for me. I have let things slide by and time slip away on the hope of something I knew would never happen. Ha, it's been a long time since I've been in the, um... "field", is it? I got carried away in the thought of something I thought would be good for me... I don't regret it, because I wrote some pretty kick-ass songs through it all. Songs you should all be hearing soon. That's right, people. As soon as I get into this new apartment... and get paid again haha... I'm restringing my poor, lonesome guitar and revisiting an old love. It's been too long... I'll never be unfaithful again.
Times, they are a-changin'... that's for damn sure! The shock I didn't expect numbed the initial pain of it all... I'm sure a good cry is in order, but for now I'm holding my head high and moving forward. I feel confident in the fact that one day, I will meet someone who recognizes what I stand for, appreciates the joy I find in life, and cherishes the love I share... Just little ol' me. In the meantime? I'm my own fuckin' best friend, and it's about time I acted like it.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
A Lesson Learned
I feel like such an idiot tonight. Why I ever let anything get built up in my head... my fucking imagination is a double-edge sword. It can inspire and create beautiful songs, poetry and whatnot... but when it comes to something I really want that will probably never happen or is too good to be true... welllll then it tends to get out of hand and I'm left with the shattered pieces of my heart in the end. Welcome to my world.
I've talked about how "not looking for anything" is a crock of shit. Well, it's true. You're not looking for anything until you find something worth looking for... I recently found something worth looking for. Unfortunately, this person did not feel the same. Unbeknownst to me, though, I held on and hoped for the best. Now I'm sitting here, ashamed and disappointed in myself for ever thinking otherwise. What a cruel world life can be... especially when emotions are involved. I let this person have a part of me that is held onto only for those deserving... I can only hope he feels guilty for the pain he's caused. He knew how I felt, or at least, knew I was interested...
I said to my friend tonight, "Even though it's not, do you ever feel like you're having the worst night of your life?" Well, I'm starting to think it was the best. The best thing that could've happened to me was the slap in the face I received tonight to show me I need to move on... it's funny; I've heard, from a couple of people (indirectly), that this person is incredibly selfish... the universe has been telling me to move on to something different, but the fact that this person happens to hit every quality I look for held me back from seeing the truth. Now, I can only look forward and truly believe in the fact that being alone is exactly what I need right now. The best part? HE is missing out... not me.
I take pride in the fact that I am an excellent lover and supporter... if you are the one and only in my life, nothing else matters. I dedicate myself to someone, while still keeping the necessary space. It wasn't always this way, but I've grown into a woman someone should be proud to call their own. I am intelligent, creative, caring, beautiful and confident in myself. So, you know what? I'm happy. Secretly, I've been hoping something would go wrong. Sounds strange, but I have felt recently that this is neither healthy, nor necessary in my life at the moment. I'm embarking on a lot of new adventures, and I need to think about myself and ONLY myself. So, thank you, unnamed asshole. Yes, you can be a good friend, but when it came to my heart, you destroyed an instinct I thought rang true. Another lesson learned, another page turned. This is another chapter, another story... another memory that will resonate in a beautiful new song. You already inspired so many... why not ice the cake?
I've talked about how "not looking for anything" is a crock of shit. Well, it's true. You're not looking for anything until you find something worth looking for... I recently found something worth looking for. Unfortunately, this person did not feel the same. Unbeknownst to me, though, I held on and hoped for the best. Now I'm sitting here, ashamed and disappointed in myself for ever thinking otherwise. What a cruel world life can be... especially when emotions are involved. I let this person have a part of me that is held onto only for those deserving... I can only hope he feels guilty for the pain he's caused. He knew how I felt, or at least, knew I was interested...
I said to my friend tonight, "Even though it's not, do you ever feel like you're having the worst night of your life?" Well, I'm starting to think it was the best. The best thing that could've happened to me was the slap in the face I received tonight to show me I need to move on... it's funny; I've heard, from a couple of people (indirectly), that this person is incredibly selfish... the universe has been telling me to move on to something different, but the fact that this person happens to hit every quality I look for held me back from seeing the truth. Now, I can only look forward and truly believe in the fact that being alone is exactly what I need right now. The best part? HE is missing out... not me.
I take pride in the fact that I am an excellent lover and supporter... if you are the one and only in my life, nothing else matters. I dedicate myself to someone, while still keeping the necessary space. It wasn't always this way, but I've grown into a woman someone should be proud to call their own. I am intelligent, creative, caring, beautiful and confident in myself. So, you know what? I'm happy. Secretly, I've been hoping something would go wrong. Sounds strange, but I have felt recently that this is neither healthy, nor necessary in my life at the moment. I'm embarking on a lot of new adventures, and I need to think about myself and ONLY myself. So, thank you, unnamed asshole. Yes, you can be a good friend, but when it came to my heart, you destroyed an instinct I thought rang true. Another lesson learned, another page turned. This is another chapter, another story... another memory that will resonate in a beautiful new song. You already inspired so many... why not ice the cake?
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Home Alone
It's starting to really hit me, the adventure I'm about to embark on. I've never lived completely alone, and I'm beginning to run down the list of fears I hide from the rest of ya'll... you know, to avoid embarrassment? Yes, I had to dictionary.com that little sucker. And yes, I was right! Ha!
Being around people keeps me sane. I don't like to be alone; we've covered this. Well, I admitted this. Anyways. Being alone gives way to many opportunities for my imagination to run wild and stir up my anxiety. The funny thing is, as afraid as I thought I would be, I'm feeling pretty confident about the move. I feel safe knowing I have a little protecter in my pup, Buster. (I'll miss the crap out of Bernie, but he'll be in excellent hands with my soon-to-be ex-roomie.) The natural ability to pick up the sound of a flippin' fly landing on the wall, Buster being with me already alleviates a good deal of the ridiculous situations I picture myself getting into. So, that's covered.
I think this time alone, in a new setting, under my terms is going to be quite good for me. I've already made some mental promises to myself as far as things I would like to change, keep, and improve upon in life. I feel good about the move, though it will be lonely. Luckily, mine and the roommate's opposite, busy schedules has allowed for some practice "alone-time". I've gotten used to the silence, and am able to find the beauty in it. To just exist. To just be. And to fill it with the sounds of things I love- music, my little guy running around, the strum of my guitar, the sound of the pages turning in a good book, the pots and pans against the stove... I'm SO excited! This is definitely a good thing. Nay, a fabulous one!
It's a new chapter in my life, and I'm looking forward to the text. I have the potential to achieve the things I truly want, and there's no flippin' time like the present! Keep my head on straight, held high, and clear of the grime my imagination leaves behind. That sort of rhymed. And another time! ..... Should I keep on tryin'? ... Okay, I'm really done- or am I...in? Crap.
Being around people keeps me sane. I don't like to be alone; we've covered this. Well, I admitted this. Anyways. Being alone gives way to many opportunities for my imagination to run wild and stir up my anxiety. The funny thing is, as afraid as I thought I would be, I'm feeling pretty confident about the move. I feel safe knowing I have a little protecter in my pup, Buster. (I'll miss the crap out of Bernie, but he'll be in excellent hands with my soon-to-be ex-roomie.) The natural ability to pick up the sound of a flippin' fly landing on the wall, Buster being with me already alleviates a good deal of the ridiculous situations I picture myself getting into. So, that's covered.
I think this time alone, in a new setting, under my terms is going to be quite good for me. I've already made some mental promises to myself as far as things I would like to change, keep, and improve upon in life. I feel good about the move, though it will be lonely. Luckily, mine and the roommate's opposite, busy schedules has allowed for some practice "alone-time". I've gotten used to the silence, and am able to find the beauty in it. To just exist. To just be. And to fill it with the sounds of things I love- music, my little guy running around, the strum of my guitar, the sound of the pages turning in a good book, the pots and pans against the stove... I'm SO excited! This is definitely a good thing. Nay, a fabulous one!
It's a new chapter in my life, and I'm looking forward to the text. I have the potential to achieve the things I truly want, and there's no flippin' time like the present! Keep my head on straight, held high, and clear of the grime my imagination leaves behind. That sort of rhymed. And another time! ..... Should I keep on tryin'? ... Okay, I'm really done- or am I...in? Crap.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Speak the Unspoken
I know I ramble on and moan and groan on this blog... but I don't do this for other people. I do this for myself. Anyone even remotely interested in what I have to say is flattering to me, but I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything. I just need this. If I don't get some of the thoughts in my head out, I may explode one day. I'm thankful for my always-movin' mind because it makes me somewhat intelligent, thoughtful and creative... I just wish it would slow down every once in a while... take a break. Sometimes, I feel like one of those fools with a stick protruding from my head, dangling some secret desire of mine that my mind is racing to find. We all know how that story ends...
Today... is a sad day. My family is about to lose a member; and for one person in particular, they are experiencing some very mixed emotions. Emotions I can certainly relate to... you see, my great-grandfather (my Grammy's father) is on life-support and about to pass on... their relationship is a complicated one, but I'm not here to air someone else's laundry...
I'm here because the whole ordeal has thrown me into thoughts of my family. I've had a good life, but it was littered with drama, pain, hidden feelings, regret, loneliness... of course, everyone has their own story; their own pain and experiences. Mine is just another example. The biggest issue for me has always been my father. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about that... but I will say that I understand the feelings my grandmother is feeling right now, as she says goodbye to someone so important, who was never around. I do, however, need to talk about something... so I will finally talk about... Monte.
To understand Monte, you have to understand that side of the family first. My grandparents were strict, but kind and loving. You were well taken care of, but taught the value of every penny counting. I know this, because my dad left me in their care until I was 16. Which, at this point, I'm thankful for. They brought me up well, and I'm grateful for everything they've ever done for me. Monte stayed with us for most of my childhood, and when he eventually moved out, he bought the house next door. Needless to say, he was a big part of my life. Monte was more outgoing, outspoken and honest than the rest of the family. I loved him for it... I always had a lot of respect for the person he was. I lost touch with him once living on my own, as I had fallen into a lifestyle of partying and "finding myself". It took a lot of great talks with my Papa and prayer to not fall into a pit of regret for those lost years... but Monte loved me through it all. Unbeknownst to me for most of those years, he kept a room ready for me in his house, just in case I ever needed it. My well-being was always in the back of his mind, no matter what. He was more than an uncle to me, he was the big brother I never had, and the father figure I craved all my life.
When Monte passed, it was so sudden and unexpected. I received the call at work from my step-aunt to come home... and I knew immediately that someone had died. I don't know how I knew, but you just do. The whole way there, I thought it was my father... I cannot even begin to describe the emotions running through me that entire car ride. It was absolutely horrible. I don't have it in me to describe what happened when I arrived, but when I found out who it was... have you ever had every inch of breath leave your body and all of your limbs go numb? All at once? I will never forget that moment. I can barely remember the next two weeks. I do not handle loss well. Less than a month later, one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly.
Mike Gerking was easily loved. He had a mischievous face and could make you laugh your ass off. He was a dear friend of mine, even my prom date one year, and a hell of a musician. Losing someone is tough; losing two of the most important people from my life was tragic. Mike had a lot of health problems he was working through, and eventually passed in his sleep. Monte... Monte left on top of his game. He had just finished a flag-football tournament in Vegas, but missed his flight. He grabbed a rental, drove in the direction of his car, and went off the road into the canal about 20 miles from his destination. He left behind no wife, no kids... but he owned his own home. He was starting a very well-paying job that week. He had many amazing friends (that I met at his funeral... such wonderful people I never knew existed). And he had my heart. No matter what happened in my life, I knew he had my back. There are days I think I see him, and my heart stops. It's been 5 1/2 years, but to this day, it feels like yesterday.
It feels good to talk about him... I've never put in writing what I went through. Though I didn't share all of the details, it feels good to put something down. I've learned that people live on through you... through your memories of them; stories, experiences... talking about them keeps them alive in your heart. I'm thinking of my Grammy tonight, as she embarks on a journey of pain, loss and acceptance. I pray she finds peace in her heart for the life they shared, and the life they didn't. I feel blessed that I helped her through a bit of it today over a nice phone conversation... losing someone is never easy. Everyone has a special place in our hearts that no one else can fill. So do your heart a favor, and let those people know where they stand. You just never know what tomorrow brings, or doesn't...
Today... is a sad day. My family is about to lose a member; and for one person in particular, they are experiencing some very mixed emotions. Emotions I can certainly relate to... you see, my great-grandfather (my Grammy's father) is on life-support and about to pass on... their relationship is a complicated one, but I'm not here to air someone else's laundry...
I'm here because the whole ordeal has thrown me into thoughts of my family. I've had a good life, but it was littered with drama, pain, hidden feelings, regret, loneliness... of course, everyone has their own story; their own pain and experiences. Mine is just another example. The biggest issue for me has always been my father. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about that... but I will say that I understand the feelings my grandmother is feeling right now, as she says goodbye to someone so important, who was never around. I do, however, need to talk about something... so I will finally talk about... Monte.
To understand Monte, you have to understand that side of the family first. My grandparents were strict, but kind and loving. You were well taken care of, but taught the value of every penny counting. I know this, because my dad left me in their care until I was 16. Which, at this point, I'm thankful for. They brought me up well, and I'm grateful for everything they've ever done for me. Monte stayed with us for most of my childhood, and when he eventually moved out, he bought the house next door. Needless to say, he was a big part of my life. Monte was more outgoing, outspoken and honest than the rest of the family. I loved him for it... I always had a lot of respect for the person he was. I lost touch with him once living on my own, as I had fallen into a lifestyle of partying and "finding myself". It took a lot of great talks with my Papa and prayer to not fall into a pit of regret for those lost years... but Monte loved me through it all. Unbeknownst to me for most of those years, he kept a room ready for me in his house, just in case I ever needed it. My well-being was always in the back of his mind, no matter what. He was more than an uncle to me, he was the big brother I never had, and the father figure I craved all my life.
When Monte passed, it was so sudden and unexpected. I received the call at work from my step-aunt to come home... and I knew immediately that someone had died. I don't know how I knew, but you just do. The whole way there, I thought it was my father... I cannot even begin to describe the emotions running through me that entire car ride. It was absolutely horrible. I don't have it in me to describe what happened when I arrived, but when I found out who it was... have you ever had every inch of breath leave your body and all of your limbs go numb? All at once? I will never forget that moment. I can barely remember the next two weeks. I do not handle loss well. Less than a month later, one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly.
Mike Gerking was easily loved. He had a mischievous face and could make you laugh your ass off. He was a dear friend of mine, even my prom date one year, and a hell of a musician. Losing someone is tough; losing two of the most important people from my life was tragic. Mike had a lot of health problems he was working through, and eventually passed in his sleep. Monte... Monte left on top of his game. He had just finished a flag-football tournament in Vegas, but missed his flight. He grabbed a rental, drove in the direction of his car, and went off the road into the canal about 20 miles from his destination. He left behind no wife, no kids... but he owned his own home. He was starting a very well-paying job that week. He had many amazing friends (that I met at his funeral... such wonderful people I never knew existed). And he had my heart. No matter what happened in my life, I knew he had my back. There are days I think I see him, and my heart stops. It's been 5 1/2 years, but to this day, it feels like yesterday.
It feels good to talk about him... I've never put in writing what I went through. Though I didn't share all of the details, it feels good to put something down. I've learned that people live on through you... through your memories of them; stories, experiences... talking about them keeps them alive in your heart. I'm thinking of my Grammy tonight, as she embarks on a journey of pain, loss and acceptance. I pray she finds peace in her heart for the life they shared, and the life they didn't. I feel blessed that I helped her through a bit of it today over a nice phone conversation... losing someone is never easy. Everyone has a special place in our hearts that no one else can fill. So do your heart a favor, and let those people know where they stand. You just never know what tomorrow brings, or doesn't...
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Waiting... Is The Hardest Part
There are a million things I want to write about... and it's the best feeling I've had in a long time. I've been wading through life recently with hope leading the way. Hope for this, hope for that... the point is, I've been keeping my head high and praying for the best. I have faith in the potential for good things to happen to me if I allow them. My problem? It's hard for me to allow them... every time things start going good, I find myself sitting back waiting for the bad to break the spell of happiness washing over me. Old habits die hard; this is what I'm used to in life. Not being dramatic, just being realistic. Well, I'm growing up fast and I'm tired of waiting around.
Too often we sit around waiting for good things to come to us. Well, that's not really how life works. If you really want something, go get it. Short, but sweet. Last year, I really took hold of this perspective. Everything I set out to accomplish that year, I accomplished. It was an amazing feeling... that I miss. I do feel like I have accomplished some this year, but my focus and attention have been in dire need of redirection. You want to know what's really been on my mind? How can I put this...
I'm reaching my limit's end waiting for something that is probably never going to happen. The only thing holding me back from knowing the full truth is my fear of the answer. So- I either make my peace with the situation as it is and move on... or I face my fear. For today, I'm making my peace with the situation. It's not that bad of one, though my dreams taunt me with my utmost desires. Bastards. I have already calmed some anxiety on the subject through some slips of honesty and appreciation of what I have. I can be a very patient person, so I'm enjoying the ride down a path of least-resistance. Simple as that.
Life is what you make of it, right? So I'm making it a more peaceful, enjoyable one. I've been waiting around for something to just- happen... something to jolt me out of my funk. Not just with the aforementioned situation, but with life in general. But it's not just going to come rolling up to my door on a silver platter. I have to fight for it... earn it... in the end, it's always worth so much more when achieved that way.
In addition to a mess of wants, I have been waiting... and waiting... and WAITING for this writer's block to dissipate. Today, I broke through. Halle-fricken'-lujah! Taking some lyrics I wrote a few months ago, I grabbed my roomie's guitar and wrote the melody. Just the feel of the guitar in my hands was enough to get me going... it has been WAY too long. If you're not a musician, it's tough to understand the relationship you have with your instrument; be it a tangible one or a vocal one. Everyone has a passion, though- something that truly makes them happy in life. Something they would do for free if they could... and do. It's exactly like having an actual human relationship... you fight; you make-up; you have incredible moments; you have frustrating moments. It's a rollercoaster ride that I will never turn down. Passion makes life worth living. Those moments that take your breath away... it's the same with people. When you truly love someone, they provide the happiest and saddest moments of your life. They can make you feel like the only person in a crowded room, yet know just the right buttons to push to send you into a blind fury. What they do with the information at hand is what really proves the love... but anyways. I love my tangents!
It's going to take a little more momentum to bring back my wit, creating a more pleasurable read. So... bear with me? Please? In the meantime, I'm inching towards getting Shaneil a real, live life. No more waiting around. Embrace my passion for life and let my smile do the rest! 'Cause when you're smiling, I hear the whole world smiles with you. :D
Too often we sit around waiting for good things to come to us. Well, that's not really how life works. If you really want something, go get it. Short, but sweet. Last year, I really took hold of this perspective. Everything I set out to accomplish that year, I accomplished. It was an amazing feeling... that I miss. I do feel like I have accomplished some this year, but my focus and attention have been in dire need of redirection. You want to know what's really been on my mind? How can I put this...
I'm reaching my limit's end waiting for something that is probably never going to happen. The only thing holding me back from knowing the full truth is my fear of the answer. So- I either make my peace with the situation as it is and move on... or I face my fear. For today, I'm making my peace with the situation. It's not that bad of one, though my dreams taunt me with my utmost desires. Bastards. I have already calmed some anxiety on the subject through some slips of honesty and appreciation of what I have. I can be a very patient person, so I'm enjoying the ride down a path of least-resistance. Simple as that.
Life is what you make of it, right? So I'm making it a more peaceful, enjoyable one. I've been waiting around for something to just- happen... something to jolt me out of my funk. Not just with the aforementioned situation, but with life in general. But it's not just going to come rolling up to my door on a silver platter. I have to fight for it... earn it... in the end, it's always worth so much more when achieved that way.
In addition to a mess of wants, I have been waiting... and waiting... and WAITING for this writer's block to dissipate. Today, I broke through. Halle-fricken'-lujah! Taking some lyrics I wrote a few months ago, I grabbed my roomie's guitar and wrote the melody. Just the feel of the guitar in my hands was enough to get me going... it has been WAY too long. If you're not a musician, it's tough to understand the relationship you have with your instrument; be it a tangible one or a vocal one. Everyone has a passion, though- something that truly makes them happy in life. Something they would do for free if they could... and do. It's exactly like having an actual human relationship... you fight; you make-up; you have incredible moments; you have frustrating moments. It's a rollercoaster ride that I will never turn down. Passion makes life worth living. Those moments that take your breath away... it's the same with people. When you truly love someone, they provide the happiest and saddest moments of your life. They can make you feel like the only person in a crowded room, yet know just the right buttons to push to send you into a blind fury. What they do with the information at hand is what really proves the love... but anyways. I love my tangents!
It's going to take a little more momentum to bring back my wit, creating a more pleasurable read. So... bear with me? Please? In the meantime, I'm inching towards getting Shaneil a real, live life. No more waiting around. Embrace my passion for life and let my smile do the rest! 'Cause when you're smiling, I hear the whole world smiles with you. :D
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Nobody Knows It But Me
It has been quite some time since I've posted... not sure why. I guess I needed some time to keep my thoughts to myself. I've been slowly but surely settling in to this new life of mine... and I'm happy to say that everything's pretty darn good right now! Work has slowed a bit, in the sense that the relieved pressure from pushing my promotion back has proved successful. I am finally feeling more comfortable and able to put into motion the plans I have for that store... and yes, I'm excited! I love work. I take pride in it, no matter the job. And heck, I love this job!
Staying away from this blog has almost made me forget how to blog... Ha! Me? Unable to ramble on about something? Unlikely. I guess the subject matter currently crowding a good portion of this girl's mind is just too personal... it's complicated. A great escape from the truth...
It's interesting to me how everyone keeps certain things inside... hidden from the rest of the population. Even being an extremely honest person, there are certain things I share with certain people; certain things I keep to myself; certain things no one will ever know... most likely. And we all have these things inside of us that we hold in and bury deep and wish away and blah blah blah... but how much can you really hold in? What's the limit to the capacity of crap floating around your head, heart and soul? How long do you hold on to this information before it finally explodes out of you? Or is it necessary to keep to yourself? How do you judge which is which? It's flippin' exHAUSTing! Too much thinking... can destroy you. Sometimes, you need to get the negative out and the positive finds its way inside. This is not to say the information shared is negative, just that the collection of such is dangerous... the mildew and mold of buried feelings has the potential to stink up a lot of your life. And I don't like to stink.
I've been sticking to my gut, and following my heart. I'm making decisions in my life that are improving the quality of it and refreshing my positive outlook. I'm finding the voice I thought I had lost... I hit a bump in the road, and for a while, felt stuck upon it like a frog on a lily pad... with a broken leg. Which makes it hard to hop. Or swim. In case you didn't get the comparison... I'm not very clever these days! But- I'm happy. I'm taking each day as a new opportunity to live it how I see fit. Things are slowly falling into place... one step at a time. Though I cannot disclose what is mainly on my mind, I hope to fall back into writing this blog again. I miss it. It's a great way to practice my knack for writing and my need for release. Now, if people would stop drinking so many damn skinny, 1 equal, no foam, half-caf lattes- maybe I wouldn't be so exhausted when I get home every night! Or maybe I just need one... or two.
Staying away from this blog has almost made me forget how to blog... Ha! Me? Unable to ramble on about something? Unlikely. I guess the subject matter currently crowding a good portion of this girl's mind is just too personal... it's complicated. A great escape from the truth...
It's interesting to me how everyone keeps certain things inside... hidden from the rest of the population. Even being an extremely honest person, there are certain things I share with certain people; certain things I keep to myself; certain things no one will ever know... most likely. And we all have these things inside of us that we hold in and bury deep and wish away and blah blah blah... but how much can you really hold in? What's the limit to the capacity of crap floating around your head, heart and soul? How long do you hold on to this information before it finally explodes out of you? Or is it necessary to keep to yourself? How do you judge which is which? It's flippin' exHAUSTing! Too much thinking... can destroy you. Sometimes, you need to get the negative out and the positive finds its way inside. This is not to say the information shared is negative, just that the collection of such is dangerous... the mildew and mold of buried feelings has the potential to stink up a lot of your life. And I don't like to stink.
I've been sticking to my gut, and following my heart. I'm making decisions in my life that are improving the quality of it and refreshing my positive outlook. I'm finding the voice I thought I had lost... I hit a bump in the road, and for a while, felt stuck upon it like a frog on a lily pad... with a broken leg. Which makes it hard to hop. Or swim. In case you didn't get the comparison... I'm not very clever these days! But- I'm happy. I'm taking each day as a new opportunity to live it how I see fit. Things are slowly falling into place... one step at a time. Though I cannot disclose what is mainly on my mind, I hope to fall back into writing this blog again. I miss it. It's a great way to practice my knack for writing and my need for release. Now, if people would stop drinking so many damn skinny, 1 equal, no foam, half-caf lattes- maybe I wouldn't be so exhausted when I get home every night! Or maybe I just need one... or two.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
With Each Door Closed, Another Opens
I'm feeling a little all over the place today. Happy and anxious. Subdued. Relieved. Stagnant. So many different emotions in the slide show of my mind... it's almost impossible to keep up. I'm taking one thing at a time, but I can't help switching slides and changing moods. For the most part? I feel good. No- I feel great. I do. I'm hopeful... in spite of the fact I have a feeling a small heartache is near. I'm prepared, though, and focused on what really matters. Myself.
Behind Door #1- Shaneil took ahold of her career. I should've spoken up earlier. I know this. I feel bad for this. It is what it is, though- my favorite cop-out. If you didn't know already, I cancelled the big interview on Tuesday when I was already halfway there. Well, postponed it. It only sets me back a couple of months, and I really and truly needed to make that decision. It's all too fast, too soon for something I've barely been able to prepare for. On top of that, my personal life needs some mending time before piling on a whole crapload of work... so I made the call to the district manager, explained my position, and went home. An extremely tough phone call, though it went well. The point is, I feel an enourmous amount of relief and am pleased with my choice.
Behind Door #2- Shaneil released some nagging feelings. Some things have been bothering me to the point where nothing else mattered. Enough was enough. So after making peace with a few things, I finally voiced some concerns to someone and feel extremely relieved. I do not necessarily expect a response... but just saying it "out loud" made me feel better.
Behind Door #3- Shaneil's seeing her effing family!!! Many of you probably do not know much about my relationship with my family. It is so complicated and varied that I tend to keep my family life personal and private. That isn't to say I won't answer questions about them, I just don't offer up the information very often. Well, after over 2 years of not seeing my Mom and Grammy, they're coming into town tomorrow for 3 days!! I am SO thrilled to see them, and two of my little sisters. Some much needed love and attention is just what the doctor ordered for this achin' heart...
With my priorities straightened out a bit, I'm feeling better and better each day. I'm looking towards the future with a smile and high hopes. I'm in control and no one else. Not anymore. This is my world, and I'm the only one living in it... so take your shoes off at the door.
Behind Door #1- Shaneil took ahold of her career. I should've spoken up earlier. I know this. I feel bad for this. It is what it is, though- my favorite cop-out. If you didn't know already, I cancelled the big interview on Tuesday when I was already halfway there. Well, postponed it. It only sets me back a couple of months, and I really and truly needed to make that decision. It's all too fast, too soon for something I've barely been able to prepare for. On top of that, my personal life needs some mending time before piling on a whole crapload of work... so I made the call to the district manager, explained my position, and went home. An extremely tough phone call, though it went well. The point is, I feel an enourmous amount of relief and am pleased with my choice.
Behind Door #2- Shaneil released some nagging feelings. Some things have been bothering me to the point where nothing else mattered. Enough was enough. So after making peace with a few things, I finally voiced some concerns to someone and feel extremely relieved. I do not necessarily expect a response... but just saying it "out loud" made me feel better.
Behind Door #3- Shaneil's seeing her effing family!!! Many of you probably do not know much about my relationship with my family. It is so complicated and varied that I tend to keep my family life personal and private. That isn't to say I won't answer questions about them, I just don't offer up the information very often. Well, after over 2 years of not seeing my Mom and Grammy, they're coming into town tomorrow for 3 days!! I am SO thrilled to see them, and two of my little sisters. Some much needed love and attention is just what the doctor ordered for this achin' heart...
With my priorities straightened out a bit, I'm feeling better and better each day. I'm looking towards the future with a smile and high hopes. I'm in control and no one else. Not anymore. This is my world, and I'm the only one living in it... so take your shoes off at the door.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Slow Your Roll!
It has been a rough couple of days, but I made a big decision that I feel is best right now. Halfway to my big interview yesterday, I called and cancelled. That's the short story version. The decision was made after a morning of disaster after disaster trying to get out to Burbank. I suddenly realized, I'm not ready for this. Everything happened so quickly that I barely had a chance to let it soak in... and with everything else going on in my life, I needed to step back and recognize what's good for me right now, and what isn't.
My body has desperately been trying to tell me to slow down... and I finally paid attention to the call. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained... and before it gets too out of hand, I need to relax and let everything fall back into its rightful place. I'm feeling better and better each day, and this decision took a huge weight off of my shoulders, figuratively and literally! I was lugging a good 50 lbs of supplies around yesterday for that interview, and I am FEELING it! I need a massage...
Sometimes, life moves a little too quickly to keep up and still maintain sanity. So I'm throwing on the e-brake and letting my mind, body and soul catch up. I'm slowly but surely turning into the woman I have always wanted to be, but in order to do that, I have to make good decisions for myself. The temporary postponement of my promotion is one of them. How can I possibly move into a position I am in no way prepared or developed for? This is only a 1-2 month delay, but just what I need to come into my own as a developing assistant manager. I'm excited for the next few months to finally accomplish the goals I have for my store and my career.
On top of the added stress of this promotion, I actually pushed back music to do this... shame on me! I should NEVER turn my back on the one thing that never lets me down and is always there to renew my self-being. I was reminded of my love and passion for music when my roomie showed me a new style of strumming she discovered she could do... I remember those days- being so excited to share something I learned on guitar. I miss that! She inspired me to get back to my poor, unused and untouched guitar. Now to buy new strings, since my dog so kindly decided to jump on my guitar and break my E string... great, more money to spend that I don't have!
Life is throwing a lot at me, but I'm taking it one step at a time. I've been up. I've been down. I feel I'm somewhere in the middle, but on the higher end and continually moving up. It's all about taking care of the one person who will always be there for me... me. I'm feeling really good about the decisions I'm making and the changes I'm instilling in myself. It's all a learning process, and I've got my thinking cap on! It's tough being the teacher and the student- where's my overtime pay??
My body has desperately been trying to tell me to slow down... and I finally paid attention to the call. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained... and before it gets too out of hand, I need to relax and let everything fall back into its rightful place. I'm feeling better and better each day, and this decision took a huge weight off of my shoulders, figuratively and literally! I was lugging a good 50 lbs of supplies around yesterday for that interview, and I am FEELING it! I need a massage...
Sometimes, life moves a little too quickly to keep up and still maintain sanity. So I'm throwing on the e-brake and letting my mind, body and soul catch up. I'm slowly but surely turning into the woman I have always wanted to be, but in order to do that, I have to make good decisions for myself. The temporary postponement of my promotion is one of them. How can I possibly move into a position I am in no way prepared or developed for? This is only a 1-2 month delay, but just what I need to come into my own as a developing assistant manager. I'm excited for the next few months to finally accomplish the goals I have for my store and my career.
On top of the added stress of this promotion, I actually pushed back music to do this... shame on me! I should NEVER turn my back on the one thing that never lets me down and is always there to renew my self-being. I was reminded of my love and passion for music when my roomie showed me a new style of strumming she discovered she could do... I remember those days- being so excited to share something I learned on guitar. I miss that! She inspired me to get back to my poor, unused and untouched guitar. Now to buy new strings, since my dog so kindly decided to jump on my guitar and break my E string... great, more money to spend that I don't have!
Life is throwing a lot at me, but I'm taking it one step at a time. I've been up. I've been down. I feel I'm somewhere in the middle, but on the higher end and continually moving up. It's all about taking care of the one person who will always be there for me... me. I'm feeling really good about the decisions I'm making and the changes I'm instilling in myself. It's all a learning process, and I've got my thinking cap on! It's tough being the teacher and the student- where's my overtime pay??
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Holy Moly Guacamole!
Well, well, well. What a crazy effin' day! So much to talk about, yet I have to be up in 6 hours. Crahhhp.
Let's just get this out of the way. It's Father's Day. Whoopity-doo. I got to hear about everyone's dads today and how much they love them and blah blah blah. You know, it didn't really bother me that much, to be honest. Not in the sense that I miss my father. I just felt left out of the celebration. So instead, I decided to think about the fathers that I have had in my life.
I'm blessed for my grandfather, who raised me until I was 16. A Texan soul to the core, and a great person. He couldn't care less about technology, loves to laugh, and would be the first one to answer my door with a shotgun, should a boy appear. He instilled a lot of strength and wisdom in me... and taught me to play blackjack. :)
Chris's dad, Marcus. Such an amazing person. A witty sense of humor, hell- sense of being, and intelligence that would blow your mind. He loves math and music as much as I do, so that in itself won me over! I'll never forget when I first met him... I made a crack about the 49ers, and he said, "You know, we own a lot of land out here and no one would miss you." HA! That evil grin was enough for me. Let's just say I cheered the 49ers on when I was there...
Then there's Monte. My dear, sweet Uncle Monte. Oh, how I miss you... let's save that for another blog. Just know I think about you every day, and pray to God you are proud of me.
Okay, with all of that nonsense out of the way... I was reminded today that my true friends and loved ones will always stick up for me. After a crazy loon in my store caused a scene, my good friend and co-worker, Dan, backed me up with some really kind words. He was also there for me last week when I had a slight breakdown at work... Okay. I cried my eyes out. In his arms. What a truly dear friend of mine. Love you Dan!
Then, a very sweet older lady, Laura, came in for her daily frappucino (which basically consists of 4 espresso shots, a tiny splash of nonfat milk, and ice. Yuck). She was already in tears the minute she walked in the door. She has a really hard time dealing with the loss of her parents, poor thing. I'm not sure how long ago she lost them, but I understand feeling that loss as if it happened yesterday. It's been over 5 years since Monte passed, and I swear I think I see him sometimes, and I lose it. So here comes dear Laura, and as she's talking to me, she suddenly says "Give me your dad's cell number! I'm going to call him and tell him what an amazing daughter he's missing out on. Seriously!" I won't even say everything she said, because I find it awkward haha... but she said some seriously amazing things about me. Have I been saying seriously too much? Seriously. Seriously?
Anyways, good things, good day. And now? I. Am. Stressed. With the lack of an expected vehicle and my undying need to procrastinate, I am in quite the pickle! And I really don't like pickles. Seriously. ;) After riding the bus to kinko's- yes, I said KINKO'S! Screw FedEx!- I got on the computer to find out hotmail was not working and everything I had sent to myself to print was inaccessible. Awesome. Now my material for the huge interview that I have Tuesday and was going to meet with my store manager about tomorrow is locked up. Great. Fabulous. Fan-fuckin-tastic. Will Shaneil pull this one off? I have, after all, hit a bump in the road before every meeting I've ever had with this job. And still pulled through. It'll be fine. Right? Right.
Busy, busy day. A lot going through my head, so less wit and more ramble in this entry. I'm all apologies. Wait, no I'm not. Why am I apologizing? Sorry. Shit! Good night.
Let's just get this out of the way. It's Father's Day. Whoopity-doo. I got to hear about everyone's dads today and how much they love them and blah blah blah. You know, it didn't really bother me that much, to be honest. Not in the sense that I miss my father. I just felt left out of the celebration. So instead, I decided to think about the fathers that I have had in my life.
I'm blessed for my grandfather, who raised me until I was 16. A Texan soul to the core, and a great person. He couldn't care less about technology, loves to laugh, and would be the first one to answer my door with a shotgun, should a boy appear. He instilled a lot of strength and wisdom in me... and taught me to play blackjack. :)
Chris's dad, Marcus. Such an amazing person. A witty sense of humor, hell- sense of being, and intelligence that would blow your mind. He loves math and music as much as I do, so that in itself won me over! I'll never forget when I first met him... I made a crack about the 49ers, and he said, "You know, we own a lot of land out here and no one would miss you." HA! That evil grin was enough for me. Let's just say I cheered the 49ers on when I was there...
Then there's Monte. My dear, sweet Uncle Monte. Oh, how I miss you... let's save that for another blog. Just know I think about you every day, and pray to God you are proud of me.
Okay, with all of that nonsense out of the way... I was reminded today that my true friends and loved ones will always stick up for me. After a crazy loon in my store caused a scene, my good friend and co-worker, Dan, backed me up with some really kind words. He was also there for me last week when I had a slight breakdown at work... Okay. I cried my eyes out. In his arms. What a truly dear friend of mine. Love you Dan!
Then, a very sweet older lady, Laura, came in for her daily frappucino (which basically consists of 4 espresso shots, a tiny splash of nonfat milk, and ice. Yuck). She was already in tears the minute she walked in the door. She has a really hard time dealing with the loss of her parents, poor thing. I'm not sure how long ago she lost them, but I understand feeling that loss as if it happened yesterday. It's been over 5 years since Monte passed, and I swear I think I see him sometimes, and I lose it. So here comes dear Laura, and as she's talking to me, she suddenly says "Give me your dad's cell number! I'm going to call him and tell him what an amazing daughter he's missing out on. Seriously!" I won't even say everything she said, because I find it awkward haha... but she said some seriously amazing things about me. Have I been saying seriously too much? Seriously. Seriously?
Anyways, good things, good day. And now? I. Am. Stressed. With the lack of an expected vehicle and my undying need to procrastinate, I am in quite the pickle! And I really don't like pickles. Seriously. ;) After riding the bus to kinko's- yes, I said KINKO'S! Screw FedEx!- I got on the computer to find out hotmail was not working and everything I had sent to myself to print was inaccessible. Awesome. Now my material for the huge interview that I have Tuesday and was going to meet with my store manager about tomorrow is locked up. Great. Fabulous. Fan-fuckin-tastic. Will Shaneil pull this one off? I have, after all, hit a bump in the road before every meeting I've ever had with this job. And still pulled through. It'll be fine. Right? Right.
Busy, busy day. A lot going through my head, so less wit and more ramble in this entry. I'm all apologies. Wait, no I'm not. Why am I apologizing? Sorry. Shit! Good night.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
How Deep Is Your Love?
There comes a time in one's life where you sit back and re-evaluate everything. I think it's called "growing up". Anyways. I took a biiiig step back recently and realized I love everything and everyone around me deeply... except myself. That shit is WHACK! I should be the first person I love, before anyone else. Besides, how can you possibly love someone else if you don't find love for yourself? Maybe this has been my problem all along...
Something I will forever be thankful for is how Chris made me feel about myself. No, no- I'm not dwelling on the guy. Believe me, the decision I made for us was right and I'm happy I did it. I still miss him, though- he is, after all, one of my best friends. But when we were together, he loved me and made me feel like no one else ever has. He truly knew how to make me feel beautiful. We used to have this thing; if you said something bad about yourself, you were ordered to "take it back" or you would be "bopped" on the nose. Seriously. Haha! Ahhh the times I smacked his nose... hey, I got it, too! And it works. If you forget all the crap life throws at you to bring you down, you start to remember that you're good enough for this world. Your head can toy with you... I tend to get lost inside my head sometimes, and overanalyze so much that I start to believe the lies I tell myself. I constantly think I'm not good enough to do the things I love... but I'm finally starting to remember that I am good enough. That I'm worth much more than what I give myself credit for... I feel like I'm reciting this new song I'm writing, seeing as how that's pretty much how it goes. Haha! Man, I feel good tonight. Let's move on.
So, all full of lovin'-me-more-than-ever, I accomplished a few things today. I had work from 8am to 4pm, and work early tomorrow, so I had a small window to get some ish done. It isn't much, but I worked on my interview paperwork, made a list with my own notes on 17 apartments (including phone numbers so I can call Monday!), figured out how I'm going to transfer my cable, and worked on some bills. Nothing to completely cross off of my list yet, but a handful of goals worked on in one way or another. I'm feeling good today. Not great. Not bad. Content. At peace. Tranquil. It's a nice feeling; haven't felt it in a while. Life is life. Love is love. I am me, and that's not changing. It's nice to reconnect with someone I'm spending the rest of my life with! Makes it less awkward.
Something I will forever be thankful for is how Chris made me feel about myself. No, no- I'm not dwelling on the guy. Believe me, the decision I made for us was right and I'm happy I did it. I still miss him, though- he is, after all, one of my best friends. But when we were together, he loved me and made me feel like no one else ever has. He truly knew how to make me feel beautiful. We used to have this thing; if you said something bad about yourself, you were ordered to "take it back" or you would be "bopped" on the nose. Seriously. Haha! Ahhh the times I smacked his nose... hey, I got it, too! And it works. If you forget all the crap life throws at you to bring you down, you start to remember that you're good enough for this world. Your head can toy with you... I tend to get lost inside my head sometimes, and overanalyze so much that I start to believe the lies I tell myself. I constantly think I'm not good enough to do the things I love... but I'm finally starting to remember that I am good enough. That I'm worth much more than what I give myself credit for... I feel like I'm reciting this new song I'm writing, seeing as how that's pretty much how it goes. Haha! Man, I feel good tonight. Let's move on.
So, all full of lovin'-me-more-than-ever, I accomplished a few things today. I had work from 8am to 4pm, and work early tomorrow, so I had a small window to get some ish done. It isn't much, but I worked on my interview paperwork, made a list with my own notes on 17 apartments (including phone numbers so I can call Monday!), figured out how I'm going to transfer my cable, and worked on some bills. Nothing to completely cross off of my list yet, but a handful of goals worked on in one way or another. I'm feeling good today. Not great. Not bad. Content. At peace. Tranquil. It's a nice feeling; haven't felt it in a while. Life is life. Love is love. I am me, and that's not changing. It's nice to reconnect with someone I'm spending the rest of my life with! Makes it less awkward.
Friday, June 17, 2011
New Dawn, New Day, New Life... Part 2
Alllllrighty then- let's try this again, shall we?
Hello, my name is Shaneil, and it has been 12 days since my last post. (Hi, Shaneil). Why, hello. Miss me? Well I missed you! I haven't written anything recently because the things I'm going through right now are a little too daunting to publish on a public forum. But hey, when did that ever stop me before?
Well kids, I've really done it this time! Allowing myself to get too attached to someone, I've been having trouble focusing on anything else. Yup, it's true. I've semi-fallen for someone new, and it's a one-way street to heartache. How could I help but fall for someone who meets almost every quality I've ever looked for in a man? Minus the emotionally unavailable part... minor detail right?? I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to handle. Spending a lot of time with myself lately, I've had PLENTY of time to dwell and overanalyze and pick apart everything about everything. Ah, the joys of being a woman. Men, you're either really skilled at not caring or really good at hiding it. But hey, I'm no idiot. I know where I stand, and although it hurts, I'm working on moving on. Want some more honesty? Feels like I'm getting over two people now... geez louise.
Time just keeps on passing by as I sit and dwell and stew and linger and... wait a minute. Why am I so concerned about other people who aren't even a big part of my life? Isn't this blog all about a new me? Not other people? Not anyone else? Yes, dammit! This is about me. All about me. Me, me, me. I'm more important than anyone else in my life, and I need to start acting like it. So do not fret, my pets. Shaneil is learning more and more each day, and though perspective can be a scary thing, mine is finally coming into focus.
I want to start writing about random topics and stop littering your precious minds with my complaints and woe-is-me's. I want to have news and updates about my life with the hope to bring a smile or a proud grin to your beautiful faces. Yes, I'm sucking up. Don't leave me! I swear I'll emotionally calm down someday! Okay, I don't swear. I unswear. De-leee-ete. But I will get it together here sometime soon... promise.
First step? I have to do something I don't want to do, but need to do. I have a list of these "don't want to, but need to" items. I need to push back some things I've been trying to accomplish for a while now, including music. I have so much to focus on right now, be it my job/promotion or moving in August, and if I don't stay focused on these tasks, I will be in BIG trouble! So, responsibility- you win today. But my dreams are nipping at your time-consuming heels!
Health, apartment, promotion. My trinity of focus right now. Nothing more, nothing less. As soon as these things are in order, I can get back to being the dreamy, emotional, head-in-the-clouds girl that I am. I'm distancing myself from the thorns on the rosebush, taking a big whiff of that sweet nectar, and keeping an eye out for bees. Sometimes you need to mentally slap yourself in the face to wake your ass up to the reality that you're living. My reality is that I have a never-ending list of priorities that have fallen second place to my emotional distress. Healing takes time, and I've been rushing myself. My heart is definitely hurting, but I see the road ahead, aching for the sound of approaching footsteps. Mine. The steps I need to take aren't those I want, but they lead to the ultimate goal in life: happiness. I have to build myself back up to feel on top again. So, from now on, I will post every day with at least one thing I accomplished on my long list of need-to-do's. I have included as much of this list as possible below, in order to have a "check-list" to refer to.
In positive news, I am absolutely THRILLED to be getting my own place soon! This was my original plan when I first moved out of the apartment with Chris and Jono. Then my beautiful best friend came along, in need of living on her own for the first time EVER, and I jumped at the opportunity. It's been an amazing year with an amazing lady, and I love her very much! Nothing but good times with this girl, even with sharing a bedroom. She's like a sister to me, and I will miss her every day. But the thought of having my own space, my very own apartment all to myself and my boys, is something I never thought I would or could accomplish. It's within my grasp and I can hardly wait to taste the freedom and independence of living on my own!
I haven't been very smart with my feelings and emotions, but I'm changing all of that starting today. Okay, maybe tomorrow. After indulging in some innocent venting, it's time to buck up, shut up, and put up. I'm too old to be acting like this. I'm staying true to myself, and only putting effort into those or that which appreciates and/or benefits me. My wit, positivity and overall joie de vivre have faded. Makes me sad. For myself, and hell, for you! Bet you miss actually being entertained by my posts? No worries, my friends- Shaneil's coming back! It's taken a little time, but with every day comes new hope and new perspective. I love you all, but most of all, I love me. I deserve love, so it's about time I showered myself with the love I deserve. Love for the beauty that is me. My accomplishment for today? A renewed faith in the potential within myself. It's about. fuckin'. time.
Goals:
- Save up as much money as possible at all times for apartment!
- Schedule doctor and dentist appointments
- Take pups to the vet
- Finish my promotion binder for upcoming interviews
- Pack up the apartment, be prepared for moving! It's coming up quick! :)
- Throw away any and all junk in this damn place
- Give landlord notice of us moving out
- Buy new work/interview clothes
- Sell Marty :(
- Exchange personal belongings with the ex... ugh.
- Recruit a moving team!
- Pay off some bills
- Have a plan for "moving" internet and cancelling bills I no longer need
That's good for now... wish me luck!
Hello, my name is Shaneil, and it has been 12 days since my last post. (Hi, Shaneil). Why, hello. Miss me? Well I missed you! I haven't written anything recently because the things I'm going through right now are a little too daunting to publish on a public forum. But hey, when did that ever stop me before?
Well kids, I've really done it this time! Allowing myself to get too attached to someone, I've been having trouble focusing on anything else. Yup, it's true. I've semi-fallen for someone new, and it's a one-way street to heartache. How could I help but fall for someone who meets almost every quality I've ever looked for in a man? Minus the emotionally unavailable part... minor detail right?? I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to handle. Spending a lot of time with myself lately, I've had PLENTY of time to dwell and overanalyze and pick apart everything about everything. Ah, the joys of being a woman. Men, you're either really skilled at not caring or really good at hiding it. But hey, I'm no idiot. I know where I stand, and although it hurts, I'm working on moving on. Want some more honesty? Feels like I'm getting over two people now... geez louise.
Time just keeps on passing by as I sit and dwell and stew and linger and... wait a minute. Why am I so concerned about other people who aren't even a big part of my life? Isn't this blog all about a new me? Not other people? Not anyone else? Yes, dammit! This is about me. All about me. Me, me, me. I'm more important than anyone else in my life, and I need to start acting like it. So do not fret, my pets. Shaneil is learning more and more each day, and though perspective can be a scary thing, mine is finally coming into focus.
I want to start writing about random topics and stop littering your precious minds with my complaints and woe-is-me's. I want to have news and updates about my life with the hope to bring a smile or a proud grin to your beautiful faces. Yes, I'm sucking up. Don't leave me! I swear I'll emotionally calm down someday! Okay, I don't swear. I unswear. De-leee-ete. But I will get it together here sometime soon... promise.
First step? I have to do something I don't want to do, but need to do. I have a list of these "don't want to, but need to" items. I need to push back some things I've been trying to accomplish for a while now, including music. I have so much to focus on right now, be it my job/promotion or moving in August, and if I don't stay focused on these tasks, I will be in BIG trouble! So, responsibility- you win today. But my dreams are nipping at your time-consuming heels!
Health, apartment, promotion. My trinity of focus right now. Nothing more, nothing less. As soon as these things are in order, I can get back to being the dreamy, emotional, head-in-the-clouds girl that I am. I'm distancing myself from the thorns on the rosebush, taking a big whiff of that sweet nectar, and keeping an eye out for bees. Sometimes you need to mentally slap yourself in the face to wake your ass up to the reality that you're living. My reality is that I have a never-ending list of priorities that have fallen second place to my emotional distress. Healing takes time, and I've been rushing myself. My heart is definitely hurting, but I see the road ahead, aching for the sound of approaching footsteps. Mine. The steps I need to take aren't those I want, but they lead to the ultimate goal in life: happiness. I have to build myself back up to feel on top again. So, from now on, I will post every day with at least one thing I accomplished on my long list of need-to-do's. I have included as much of this list as possible below, in order to have a "check-list" to refer to.
In positive news, I am absolutely THRILLED to be getting my own place soon! This was my original plan when I first moved out of the apartment with Chris and Jono. Then my beautiful best friend came along, in need of living on her own for the first time EVER, and I jumped at the opportunity. It's been an amazing year with an amazing lady, and I love her very much! Nothing but good times with this girl, even with sharing a bedroom. She's like a sister to me, and I will miss her every day. But the thought of having my own space, my very own apartment all to myself and my boys, is something I never thought I would or could accomplish. It's within my grasp and I can hardly wait to taste the freedom and independence of living on my own!
I haven't been very smart with my feelings and emotions, but I'm changing all of that starting today. Okay, maybe tomorrow. After indulging in some innocent venting, it's time to buck up, shut up, and put up. I'm too old to be acting like this. I'm staying true to myself, and only putting effort into those or that which appreciates and/or benefits me. My wit, positivity and overall joie de vivre have faded. Makes me sad. For myself, and hell, for you! Bet you miss actually being entertained by my posts? No worries, my friends- Shaneil's coming back! It's taken a little time, but with every day comes new hope and new perspective. I love you all, but most of all, I love me. I deserve love, so it's about time I showered myself with the love I deserve. Love for the beauty that is me. My accomplishment for today? A renewed faith in the potential within myself. It's about. fuckin'. time.
Goals:
- Save up as much money as possible at all times for apartment!
- Schedule doctor and dentist appointments
- Take pups to the vet
- Finish my promotion binder for upcoming interviews
- Pack up the apartment, be prepared for moving! It's coming up quick! :)
- Throw away any and all junk in this damn place
- Give landlord notice of us moving out
- Buy new work/interview clothes
- Sell Marty :(
- Exchange personal belongings with the ex... ugh.
- Recruit a moving team!
- Pay off some bills
- Have a plan for "moving" internet and cancelling bills I no longer need
That's good for now... wish me luck!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
A Good Cry & A Heavy Sigh
Siiiiiiiiigh. Yes, I cried myself to sleep last night. No, I'm not ashamed. Yes, it felt fuckin' great.
It's a new day for me! I'm still a little shaken by recent events, but I awoke with a new sense of being. I wanted this. I asked for this. This is what I chose. I have plans and goals to accomplish, and it's about time I got to it! I've noticed I've been ending a lot of sentences with prepositions. It bothers me. Oh well.
I feel inspired to write, but I'm also not aching to... The online world and this blog have been a crutch for me lately. I want to keep writing, though, because it releases a lot for me and it's good practice and motivation for writing my music. And I love writing. But I want to be proud and excited to write, not moaning and groaning about my problems. I want to have news and updates and new theories and go back to the way I felt when I first started this blog. But hey, what's one more post with feelings in it...hmm?
I will always write about my true feelings, what I'm really thinking. It's tough to say out loud, but writing is an outlet for my inner truths. I'm no liar by any means, but I struggle saying how I truly feel sometimes. For instance, why can't the one person I'm interested in be interested back? How's that for honesty? Would make my life much easier. Ha! I need to start going out, meeting people, hell- even dating. Dwelling on the things I can't control isn't getting me anywhere, and I'm getting nowhere fast. It's time to create the life I left Chris for. In no way do I mean that harshly... we had a good life. But it wasn't what I wanted. I'm 5 months in, and crying myself to sleep because he found someone and, though not moved on, is dating and attempting to create something different, even something better for himself. So what the hell am I doing? Trying to be friends with my ex? Dwelling on the very first person who comes along? Sitting on the internet for hours? Too lazy to go anywhere because I ride the ever-so-lovely bus? Well, gee- how pathetic am I? Let's move on.
I'm not at 100%, but the temperature's rising! I'm facing emotional obstacles that I knew I would eventually face. It's a whole new ballgame now, but I was aware of circumstances that would, as they do, eventually rise up and slap me in the face. Doesn't make them easy, but I was prepared. This last one hit me much harder than I expected, but it also opened my eyes to where I really stand emotionally. I need a life. Reiterated so nicely by a friend of mine, the last thought on my mind right before I fell asleep was: "Shit. He's right." When I awoke, I was somber, but not sad. I was silent, but not shut off. I was just there. I took a look around, and gave a big sigh. Siiiiiigh.
There is so much more for me out there than this empty room and dismal life. You know when someone tells you to just "get over it"? Done. I'm moving forward with my life, and this time, it's for real. No more faking my way through what I call my "life". This is not to say that I don't feel I've accomplished anything. OH no! I'm proud to be where I am with my "day job". I've worked hard, made friends, and moved up quickly. I'm proud of this blog. Even one person commenting or reading it would have made me feel proud. To have a handful of followers (including people who aren't actually "following" per the "followers" list), a family member I haven't spoken to in years repost it, encouraging others to read; and encouragement through comments here and there from dear friends, I'd say I have something to be proud of here. I'm proud of my music. Yes, my ridiculous fear and anxiety have ruined my first attempt at a practice, but I know what I need to accomplish it and I'm just going to have to fight for it. But I've been writing. Not only writing, but writing songs I'm proud of. I feel my writing has improved, though of course, I would like it to improve MUCH more. I'm on a streak, and it feels good. NOW. To go out to open mics and actually perform it! Hmm... other people go to these open mics, correct? People I could befriend? Well, golly gee willakers, Shaneil! See what could potentially happen when you stop being such a pansy?
Life isn't always easy. We all know this. I've faced some tough, tough situations for such the emotional gal I am, but I'm pushing through and making the best of it all. There's a world of potential inside of this emotional basket-case, and it's dying to express itself. The only thing holding me back... is me. Well, back off...um. Me! Myself! And I... don't even GET me started.
It's a new day for me! I'm still a little shaken by recent events, but I awoke with a new sense of being. I wanted this. I asked for this. This is what I chose. I have plans and goals to accomplish, and it's about time I got to it! I've noticed I've been ending a lot of sentences with prepositions. It bothers me. Oh well.
I feel inspired to write, but I'm also not aching to... The online world and this blog have been a crutch for me lately. I want to keep writing, though, because it releases a lot for me and it's good practice and motivation for writing my music. And I love writing. But I want to be proud and excited to write, not moaning and groaning about my problems. I want to have news and updates and new theories and go back to the way I felt when I first started this blog. But hey, what's one more post with feelings in it...hmm?
I will always write about my true feelings, what I'm really thinking. It's tough to say out loud, but writing is an outlet for my inner truths. I'm no liar by any means, but I struggle saying how I truly feel sometimes. For instance, why can't the one person I'm interested in be interested back? How's that for honesty? Would make my life much easier. Ha! I need to start going out, meeting people, hell- even dating. Dwelling on the things I can't control isn't getting me anywhere, and I'm getting nowhere fast. It's time to create the life I left Chris for. In no way do I mean that harshly... we had a good life. But it wasn't what I wanted. I'm 5 months in, and crying myself to sleep because he found someone and, though not moved on, is dating and attempting to create something different, even something better for himself. So what the hell am I doing? Trying to be friends with my ex? Dwelling on the very first person who comes along? Sitting on the internet for hours? Too lazy to go anywhere because I ride the ever-so-lovely bus? Well, gee- how pathetic am I? Let's move on.
I'm not at 100%, but the temperature's rising! I'm facing emotional obstacles that I knew I would eventually face. It's a whole new ballgame now, but I was aware of circumstances that would, as they do, eventually rise up and slap me in the face. Doesn't make them easy, but I was prepared. This last one hit me much harder than I expected, but it also opened my eyes to where I really stand emotionally. I need a life. Reiterated so nicely by a friend of mine, the last thought on my mind right before I fell asleep was: "Shit. He's right." When I awoke, I was somber, but not sad. I was silent, but not shut off. I was just there. I took a look around, and gave a big sigh. Siiiiiigh.
There is so much more for me out there than this empty room and dismal life. You know when someone tells you to just "get over it"? Done. I'm moving forward with my life, and this time, it's for real. No more faking my way through what I call my "life". This is not to say that I don't feel I've accomplished anything. OH no! I'm proud to be where I am with my "day job". I've worked hard, made friends, and moved up quickly. I'm proud of this blog. Even one person commenting or reading it would have made me feel proud. To have a handful of followers (including people who aren't actually "following" per the "followers" list), a family member I haven't spoken to in years repost it, encouraging others to read; and encouragement through comments here and there from dear friends, I'd say I have something to be proud of here. I'm proud of my music. Yes, my ridiculous fear and anxiety have ruined my first attempt at a practice, but I know what I need to accomplish it and I'm just going to have to fight for it. But I've been writing. Not only writing, but writing songs I'm proud of. I feel my writing has improved, though of course, I would like it to improve MUCH more. I'm on a streak, and it feels good. NOW. To go out to open mics and actually perform it! Hmm... other people go to these open mics, correct? People I could befriend? Well, golly gee willakers, Shaneil! See what could potentially happen when you stop being such a pansy?
Life isn't always easy. We all know this. I've faced some tough, tough situations for such the emotional gal I am, but I'm pushing through and making the best of it all. There's a world of potential inside of this emotional basket-case, and it's dying to express itself. The only thing holding me back... is me. Well, back off...um. Me! Myself! And I... don't even GET me started.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
I'm Already Torn...
I never thought it would hurt this much. I never knew how alone and sad I am. From left field, here comes the truth, smacking me straight in the face.
It's interesting how on point my instincts can be... walking up the stairs to my apartment after a good night at work, I felt a strange "pit-in-my-stomach" feeling... like something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, seeing as how I've been feeling really good the last week or so. Then I got the email. The email saying my ex has met someone he really likes. The email saying he has been seeing her for a couple of weeks. The email that sends me straight into tears. But why? No, I don't want to get back together. No, I'm not jealous. Okay, a little jealous. I just miss the guy so damn much, and now someone else gets his time... his affection... and what do I have? An empty apartment and a non-existant love-life. Jesus, could I feel more sorry for myself?
I've been in "long-term" relationships before, but never for 5 years. Never with someone I lived with. Never with someone who loved me so much. He always said I would find someone first... yet here I am, alone and depressed, while he goes on dates with some girl he met just after we broke up. Don't I have a right to feel this way? Do I need to justify the pain? Am I not entitled to be upset? I don't know, but I feel the way I feel. And I don't like it... Not. One. Bit.
I preach and preach and advise and advise, yet when life throws a curveball at me, I go against everything I teach. I know I should be happy for him... and I am. A little. I guess I'm just more sad for me than anything. I know, I know- "Grow up. Deal with it. You wanted this, remember?" Yeah, well, I did. I do. I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's no fun. It's lonely. Go figure.
This is definitely a pathetic post. My sincerest apologies. I'm in a bad place right now... I can't seem to focus on what matters. Instead, I dwell and dwell and feel nothing but the loneliness of it all... it doesn't help that my roommate is never home and the only friendships I maintain are those I have at work... and they stay at work. I rarely go out, thanks to my schedule and lack of a vehicle. I haven't met anyone (who is also interested in me, I should state), and up until this point, was slightly reluctant to due to my concern for my ex's feelings. Well, so much for that! ...I should shut up. This is silly.
I know things will get better. I know I will eventually meet someone who makes me feel alive again. I know I need to just buck up and let it all go. I know, I know, I know. I can't control my feelings, though- and tonight, they feel low. VERY low. C'est la fuckin' vie, n'est-ce pas? I need a drink. And a date. Any takers?
It's interesting how on point my instincts can be... walking up the stairs to my apartment after a good night at work, I felt a strange "pit-in-my-stomach" feeling... like something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, seeing as how I've been feeling really good the last week or so. Then I got the email. The email saying my ex has met someone he really likes. The email saying he has been seeing her for a couple of weeks. The email that sends me straight into tears. But why? No, I don't want to get back together. No, I'm not jealous. Okay, a little jealous. I just miss the guy so damn much, and now someone else gets his time... his affection... and what do I have? An empty apartment and a non-existant love-life. Jesus, could I feel more sorry for myself?
I've been in "long-term" relationships before, but never for 5 years. Never with someone I lived with. Never with someone who loved me so much. He always said I would find someone first... yet here I am, alone and depressed, while he goes on dates with some girl he met just after we broke up. Don't I have a right to feel this way? Do I need to justify the pain? Am I not entitled to be upset? I don't know, but I feel the way I feel. And I don't like it... Not. One. Bit.
I preach and preach and advise and advise, yet when life throws a curveball at me, I go against everything I teach. I know I should be happy for him... and I am. A little. I guess I'm just more sad for me than anything. I know, I know- "Grow up. Deal with it. You wanted this, remember?" Yeah, well, I did. I do. I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's no fun. It's lonely. Go figure.
This is definitely a pathetic post. My sincerest apologies. I'm in a bad place right now... I can't seem to focus on what matters. Instead, I dwell and dwell and feel nothing but the loneliness of it all... it doesn't help that my roommate is never home and the only friendships I maintain are those I have at work... and they stay at work. I rarely go out, thanks to my schedule and lack of a vehicle. I haven't met anyone (who is also interested in me, I should state), and up until this point, was slightly reluctant to due to my concern for my ex's feelings. Well, so much for that! ...I should shut up. This is silly.
I know things will get better. I know I will eventually meet someone who makes me feel alive again. I know I need to just buck up and let it all go. I know, I know, I know. I can't control my feelings, though- and tonight, they feel low. VERY low. C'est la fuckin' vie, n'est-ce pas? I need a drink. And a date. Any takers?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Walk Hard
It's been a while, so this might be a long one. Get comfortable!
Man, am I slacking! One week with no posts, and I even received a complaint about it... :) ... I think I like that. Ha!
It's been a tough week for me... a LOT happened and I've been struggling with it. I never realized how scary it is for me to be alone. In doing so, I've been learning a lot about myself... and I'm not exactly pleased with all of my findings. But part of what keeps me level-headed is taking my flaws, accepting them, then embracing whatever good I find in them. The rest? Well. Deal with it. I can't change it overnight, but I'm workin' on it. Promise.
I was living for my relationship, and now I'm living for me. Just little ol' me. A bit overwhelming, seeing as how I want a lot for myself, but tend to lack the motivation or drive to get it. Without someone there to push me all of the time, I find difficulty getting off my ass and doing something. I must say, though, that I have been discovering drive I never knew existed within me... but without someone there as a constant support system, I haven't handled the obstacles I've faced so far with the best care. Care for me. Hmm. Why can't I just be happy alone? Confident alone? I am happiest when I'm with someone. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I face in life, it's that reassurance that someone is still there waiting for you at the end of the day. It's been really tough to let that go. I'm fully aware that this is good for me, though. When I'm committed to someone, I am there 100%, and sometimes I forget about the other important things in my life; like me. So me needs to get over me and start paying attention to me. Seriously.
My biggest-absolutely-seriously-annoying-thorn-in-my-side fear and passion is music. Music and I have a love-hate relationship. A very dramatic love-hate relationship. When it's love, it's diving into writing a song that brings me to tears; discovering a pattern that opens up a whole new chapter with my guitar; learning a song I never dreamed I could ever play. And when it's hate, it's clamming up in front of people; getting frustrated with guitar and setting it down for FAR too long; not having the confidence to pursue opportunities that have knocked and knocked and knocked... and knocked. But there I am- sitting in the corner of the room plugging my ears! Why? WHY??! Because I suck at life. I'm a wuss. I don't believe in myself like other people do... though I know I should. Do you have a solution? Because I sure don't... YET.
I've been perusing other people's blogs, some friends and some strangers; and it seems like everyone is trying to figure out what the heck they're doing and where they're going in life. Does it ever end? Or are we always searching for something else? Something more? Something better? Or something different? Are we ever just content with our lives? Or should I say, content with being content with our lives? So much complaining... to the point where people become bitter and forget what's important. I try not to let the things I don't have outweigh the things I do have... because I have a lot. I'm aware of this. I'm thankful for this. But as any normal human being would, I've had some bad moments along with the good. This last week was one big, bad moment. For the most part. There was some good in there, but so much happened that I thought I was losing myself for a second... I felt like my life was slowly slipping out of my control- and we know I like control! So I took the last two days for their full advantage and made some rearrangements in my tangible life- and emotional life.
Along with cleaning my entire apartment (including pups!), I took the time to really mull over some...feelings...I've been having and make peace with them. Without going into too much detail, I was in a weird place with someone. Still sort of am, but these kinds of situations take a little time to balance out. A few or more days ago, I took some time to myself (as in, not on the internet- shocking, I know!) and put myself on the outside, looking in. And I realized- girls, or at least girls who have been treated as I have, are so used to being treated a certain way- that when someone comes along and actually shows them some respect, they automatically assume this person is interested in them. So these nice, decent, human boys are adored from afar because they treated some girl how she deserves to be treated... and we pounce on that! It's nearly impossible to find people like that anymore. I guess I'm just more aware than ever how little I've ever been treated how I feel I should be. That was worded very oddly...did it make sense? The point is, the friendship is what's really special to me. I consider myself extremely blessed to have met this person for many reasons. You can't win 'em all, but I got one hell of a consolation prize!
I can honestly say that I'm truly happy right now. I don't have everything I want, but I'm making baby steps towards a better me every day. Through a series of emotional events, and I'm sure more to come, I'm learning how to be happy alone and embrace myself for what I'm worth and what I'm capable of. I'm learning how to push myself and find inspiration to achieve more in my life. It's a tough journey, but I'm facing new challenges and gaining new strength. It's harsh on my feet walking this road... but I'm walking. Hard. Down life's... rocky road.......? Have I taken it too far? Or does anyone else want to watch Walk Hard and eat ice cream right now?
Man, am I slacking! One week with no posts, and I even received a complaint about it... :) ... I think I like that. Ha!
It's been a tough week for me... a LOT happened and I've been struggling with it. I never realized how scary it is for me to be alone. In doing so, I've been learning a lot about myself... and I'm not exactly pleased with all of my findings. But part of what keeps me level-headed is taking my flaws, accepting them, then embracing whatever good I find in them. The rest? Well. Deal with it. I can't change it overnight, but I'm workin' on it. Promise.
I was living for my relationship, and now I'm living for me. Just little ol' me. A bit overwhelming, seeing as how I want a lot for myself, but tend to lack the motivation or drive to get it. Without someone there to push me all of the time, I find difficulty getting off my ass and doing something. I must say, though, that I have been discovering drive I never knew existed within me... but without someone there as a constant support system, I haven't handled the obstacles I've faced so far with the best care. Care for me. Hmm. Why can't I just be happy alone? Confident alone? I am happiest when I'm with someone. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I face in life, it's that reassurance that someone is still there waiting for you at the end of the day. It's been really tough to let that go. I'm fully aware that this is good for me, though. When I'm committed to someone, I am there 100%, and sometimes I forget about the other important things in my life; like me. So me needs to get over me and start paying attention to me. Seriously.
My biggest-absolutely-seriously-annoying-thorn-in-my-side fear and passion is music. Music and I have a love-hate relationship. A very dramatic love-hate relationship. When it's love, it's diving into writing a song that brings me to tears; discovering a pattern that opens up a whole new chapter with my guitar; learning a song I never dreamed I could ever play. And when it's hate, it's clamming up in front of people; getting frustrated with guitar and setting it down for FAR too long; not having the confidence to pursue opportunities that have knocked and knocked and knocked... and knocked. But there I am- sitting in the corner of the room plugging my ears! Why? WHY??! Because I suck at life. I'm a wuss. I don't believe in myself like other people do... though I know I should. Do you have a solution? Because I sure don't... YET.
I've been perusing other people's blogs, some friends and some strangers; and it seems like everyone is trying to figure out what the heck they're doing and where they're going in life. Does it ever end? Or are we always searching for something else? Something more? Something better? Or something different? Are we ever just content with our lives? Or should I say, content with being content with our lives? So much complaining... to the point where people become bitter and forget what's important. I try not to let the things I don't have outweigh the things I do have... because I have a lot. I'm aware of this. I'm thankful for this. But as any normal human being would, I've had some bad moments along with the good. This last week was one big, bad moment. For the most part. There was some good in there, but so much happened that I thought I was losing myself for a second... I felt like my life was slowly slipping out of my control- and we know I like control! So I took the last two days for their full advantage and made some rearrangements in my tangible life- and emotional life.
Along with cleaning my entire apartment (including pups!), I took the time to really mull over some...feelings...I've been having and make peace with them. Without going into too much detail, I was in a weird place with someone. Still sort of am, but these kinds of situations take a little time to balance out. A few or more days ago, I took some time to myself (as in, not on the internet- shocking, I know!) and put myself on the outside, looking in. And I realized- girls, or at least girls who have been treated as I have, are so used to being treated a certain way- that when someone comes along and actually shows them some respect, they automatically assume this person is interested in them. So these nice, decent, human boys are adored from afar because they treated some girl how she deserves to be treated... and we pounce on that! It's nearly impossible to find people like that anymore. I guess I'm just more aware than ever how little I've ever been treated how I feel I should be. That was worded very oddly...did it make sense? The point is, the friendship is what's really special to me. I consider myself extremely blessed to have met this person for many reasons. You can't win 'em all, but I got one hell of a consolation prize!
I can honestly say that I'm truly happy right now. I don't have everything I want, but I'm making baby steps towards a better me every day. Through a series of emotional events, and I'm sure more to come, I'm learning how to be happy alone and embrace myself for what I'm worth and what I'm capable of. I'm learning how to push myself and find inspiration to achieve more in my life. It's a tough journey, but I'm facing new challenges and gaining new strength. It's harsh on my feet walking this road... but I'm walking. Hard. Down life's... rocky road.......? Have I taken it too far? Or does anyone else want to watch Walk Hard and eat ice cream right now?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Ahhh... Life Strikes Again
Man, oh man. What a weekend... I am definitely feeling a lot right now. A lot of crap. A lot of okay. Some good. Just everything. Feeling everything. A bit overwhelming, but I think everything's going to be fine. Sometimes you just hit those big bumps in the road, so you throw it into 4-wheel drive and push through. That's what I'm going to do. That's what I need to do.
I've made some choices lately that I don't regret, but everything has its cause and effect. Some good, some bad. One in particular had a bit more bad to it, but I can only look forward. I've been struggling to straighten this noggin' on a little tighter, and things are finally coming into focus. I'm in the process of making peace with a few things, and it's definitely a battle. All I can do is keep my head high and heart strong and move on. It's strange, I never thought it would make a difference, but I've never been a single adult. I really grew up in my relationship with Chris. We both did. But I've never experienced single life as an adult... there are different daily life situations that you experience, and I'm new to it all. It's good for me to face them, though- it's all a part of growing up, experiencing, and learning. It's tough, though. Especially when you're on one end of a "situation" while simultaneously on the other end of another "situation". That's gonna be a toughie! I need a vacation. No- distractions.
I'm a feeler. I feel so much, for so much. I guess that's called emotional. Explains my music/writing. I'm not afraid to let down my walls and let people in. Well, most people. Some people make me ridiculously shy. Not sure why, but it's annoying. I just wanna be me! But we all know Shaneil has anxiety. Moving forward...
I have a lot to focus on right now, but I'm starting to question what's really important to me in life. I only have one, and I don't want to waste it feeling like I'm settling. But settling for what? What am I striving for? I'm slowly figuring it out... but emotions are screwing me up. They tend to override rational mind. But I follow my heart. I can't help it. It's who I am. So I'm working towards that steady balance and readjusting my state of mind. It's time to look at things as how they are. Reality. Bites.
Well, I'm chewing into something myself. It's a big shiny apple called "opportunity". Opportunity to salvage and maintain some long-lasting friendships. Opportunity to make some decent money and get my finances in order (plus pay for some things I so desperately need!). Opportunity to do something with my music. Opportunity is bangin' like a lunatic on my damn door, and it's time I answered. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...just keep swimming. Swim, swim, SWIM! And swim. And swim. And fuck my arms are tired. Maybe I should start working out, too? Sheesh.
I've made some choices lately that I don't regret, but everything has its cause and effect. Some good, some bad. One in particular had a bit more bad to it, but I can only look forward. I've been struggling to straighten this noggin' on a little tighter, and things are finally coming into focus. I'm in the process of making peace with a few things, and it's definitely a battle. All I can do is keep my head high and heart strong and move on. It's strange, I never thought it would make a difference, but I've never been a single adult. I really grew up in my relationship with Chris. We both did. But I've never experienced single life as an adult... there are different daily life situations that you experience, and I'm new to it all. It's good for me to face them, though- it's all a part of growing up, experiencing, and learning. It's tough, though. Especially when you're on one end of a "situation" while simultaneously on the other end of another "situation". That's gonna be a toughie! I need a vacation. No- distractions.
I'm a feeler. I feel so much, for so much. I guess that's called emotional. Explains my music/writing. I'm not afraid to let down my walls and let people in. Well, most people. Some people make me ridiculously shy. Not sure why, but it's annoying. I just wanna be me! But we all know Shaneil has anxiety. Moving forward...
I have a lot to focus on right now, but I'm starting to question what's really important to me in life. I only have one, and I don't want to waste it feeling like I'm settling. But settling for what? What am I striving for? I'm slowly figuring it out... but emotions are screwing me up. They tend to override rational mind. But I follow my heart. I can't help it. It's who I am. So I'm working towards that steady balance and readjusting my state of mind. It's time to look at things as how they are. Reality. Bites.
Well, I'm chewing into something myself. It's a big shiny apple called "opportunity". Opportunity to salvage and maintain some long-lasting friendships. Opportunity to make some decent money and get my finances in order (plus pay for some things I so desperately need!). Opportunity to do something with my music. Opportunity is bangin' like a lunatic on my damn door, and it's time I answered. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...just keep swimming. Swim, swim, SWIM! And swim. And swim. And fuck my arms are tired. Maybe I should start working out, too? Sheesh.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Ready... Aim... ACTION!
Ahh... a little more pressure to brighten up my day! How delightful. Actually, it is quite delightful. I've heard some good news on my upcoming promotion, and already received a little "boost" to my pay... and I have my first "rehearsal/writing/practice" session thing on Friday with my pal, Nick Reiter. Mentioned before, this guy is quite the talented guitarist, and has so graciously agreed to play on my demo. So- myself, my acoustic guitar rhythms, and Nick's amazing leads will be what you hear. I'm really excited to get something recorded, and this is the first practice, so I'm anxious and nerrrrrrrrrrvous. Of course. Why wouldn't I be? For one, I'm always nervous performing, especially in front of one person. And especially in front of someone so passionate and knowledgeable on the subject. Yup. Steamroller of pressure. But I'm diving in head-first, reminding myself that if I push through, I'll eventually relax, get comfortable, and just do my thing. Hopefully. Shit.
I'm trying to get my priorities straight. Trying to focus (discussed). Under pressure (discussed). Cleaning house (discussed). Siiiigh. It's hard to think of new topics when everything surrounding me is the same shit. I need a change of pace. This demo is certainly one; something I've been talking about for 8 or 9 months, and fiiinally I'm doing it. Well, preparing to, which is the first step in the right direction. I'm working hard at my job, and moving along quickly. The house is in good order, a routine is set (for the most part- I do work in customer service with different hours all the time). My life is coming into focus. I've messed with that damn lens for a long time! But I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm racing towards it with all of my might. Well, most of it- I still have distractions and apprehensions and blah blah blah... but I'm making moves in the direction of good for my life, and that feels good. My heart... is healing. It takes time, but it's staying positive and hopeful for the future.
The clouds have gathered, the rain has poured. I've built myself an umbrella of hope, love and perseverance, and I'm walking through life day by day, step by step. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I greatly dislike repeating in my writing. But I do it. A lot. And then complain about it....... so I was saying?
It's interesting- I have these weird... "things" I do... to remind myself of how good I have it and keep my perspective straight. For instance, if you are a fellow Hulu subscriber, you are familiar with the option to say 'yes' or 'no' to ads you prefer and do not. I usually watch a good portion of the ad, and then decide whether I would want to watch it again or not. (Now, I started off just saying 'no' to everything in the hopes the ads would disappear. As luck would naturally have it, they do not disappear. Ever. So I'm rollin' with the punches...) Whenever an ad comes on regarding charity work or organizations to help the needy, I say 'yes'. They get to me. They make me feel. They make me ache. They remind me of how people really have it. I'm inspired to be better, I'm inspired to help, and I'm inspired to continue on with a positive outlook on life. And so I persist...
So what the hell is my point? When focused on what really matters, your eyes direct the movie you script yourself, and your happy ending comes to you. Life's not always perfect, but the ride- the journey- the adventure of life is the happy ending. Always striving towards what makes you truly happy. What makes your life better. What makes you a better person. Follow your heart, stay level-headed and true to yourself, and love. Love, love, love. And damn it, learn an instrument!
I'm trying to get my priorities straight. Trying to focus (discussed). Under pressure (discussed). Cleaning house (discussed). Siiiigh. It's hard to think of new topics when everything surrounding me is the same shit. I need a change of pace. This demo is certainly one; something I've been talking about for 8 or 9 months, and fiiinally I'm doing it. Well, preparing to, which is the first step in the right direction. I'm working hard at my job, and moving along quickly. The house is in good order, a routine is set (for the most part- I do work in customer service with different hours all the time). My life is coming into focus. I've messed with that damn lens for a long time! But I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm racing towards it with all of my might. Well, most of it- I still have distractions and apprehensions and blah blah blah... but I'm making moves in the direction of good for my life, and that feels good. My heart... is healing. It takes time, but it's staying positive and hopeful for the future.
The clouds have gathered, the rain has poured. I've built myself an umbrella of hope, love and perseverance, and I'm walking through life day by day, step by step. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I greatly dislike repeating in my writing. But I do it. A lot. And then complain about it....... so I was saying?
It's interesting- I have these weird... "things" I do... to remind myself of how good I have it and keep my perspective straight. For instance, if you are a fellow Hulu subscriber, you are familiar with the option to say 'yes' or 'no' to ads you prefer and do not. I usually watch a good portion of the ad, and then decide whether I would want to watch it again or not. (Now, I started off just saying 'no' to everything in the hopes the ads would disappear. As luck would naturally have it, they do not disappear. Ever. So I'm rollin' with the punches...) Whenever an ad comes on regarding charity work or organizations to help the needy, I say 'yes'. They get to me. They make me feel. They make me ache. They remind me of how people really have it. I'm inspired to be better, I'm inspired to help, and I'm inspired to continue on with a positive outlook on life. And so I persist...
So what the hell is my point? When focused on what really matters, your eyes direct the movie you script yourself, and your happy ending comes to you. Life's not always perfect, but the ride- the journey- the adventure of life is the happy ending. Always striving towards what makes you truly happy. What makes your life better. What makes you a better person. Follow your heart, stay level-headed and true to yourself, and love. Love, love, love. And damn it, learn an instrument!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Ramble On!
Okay. I know. I've been having a lot of these "not sure what the hell I'm talking about yet" posts lately, buuuut. Yeah. There again. Need to write, but what about?? I don't even know what color to pick yet! Okay, umm.....there. Yes, I looked back at my blog to make sure I haven't used this color too recently. Yes, I'm a little weird. Are you really just finding this out?
Anywho, life is good. Life is great. Blah, blah, blah. Hip-hip hooray. Whatever. I had a great day today, but something's still missing. Well, my roommate, for one! Where is she? But something not tangible is missing...something I can't see or touch. Something I need to feel. What the hell is it? Would probably help me title this puppy!
Sometimes you sit back and look at the world and allow a little bit too much bad into your head. I think I've done this today. Took much darkness was cast over my big, beautiful, blue sky. The world is a scary place, yes. It also holds a world of possibilities. I try not to get too involved with politics and whatnot. Some say it's wrong. Some don't blame me. In any case, I just can't handle too much bad. (It's all bullshit to me. Pardonez my French. But it is. I just can't confine myself to one side of things. I always have to look at both sides and try to see every angle. It's probably why it's so easy for me to talk to and meet people. When I go out, I'm social butterfly! Fluttering my yappy self all over the place! Then I learn to refrain, and listen. Promise. Just let me say this one mor-)
In my second to last post, I ended with a line about learning what to embrace, accept and filter. I embrace love. I embrace music... kindness... humor, etc. I accept my flaws and those in others. I filter the bullshit of life. Politics, stereotypes, hate, etc. There are so many different things thrown at us on a day-to-day basis, so I just organize them into little groups. What really matters? What's worth my time? What will never change? What do I have the power to control? I keep an organized mind. I have to! There's wayyyy too much goin' on up there! I'm trying to stay focused on the beauty of life and the richness I have savored through positive thinking and holding on to love and music. They are my driving forces through life. But sometimes, a conversation or a news story or a daily occurrence triggers my mental path for the day towards negative emotions. I had a fabulous time with a dear friend tonight, but part of our conversation was based around the bullshit of life, be it cover-ups, the government, today's music- whatever. Yes, I have my own opinions on these matters, but I rarely discuss them or bring them up because some people either can't handle those kinds of conversations, or know WAY more than I do and I end up sitting there saying..."Yeah. I see what you mean. Sure, yeah." No, I don't know a lot about politics. Sorry. No, I've never voted. Sue me. I know I should care more, but I don't.
The point is, my friend and I were discussing matters that lie deeper than that. And the thing is, a lot of what she said made sense. A lot of it I already knew. Some of it was too ridiculous to fathom. But, I am, have and always will be a firm believer in the possibility of anything. There is so much out there we don't understand- how could we possibly know for sure anything? So you usually hear me say, "Hey, it could happen" with a shrug. But tonight, it struck a chord within me. A really ugly chord. It got my mind racing and my imagination diving into places I don't want it to be. So even though I need to be up quite early tomorrow morning, I decided to sit here for an hour and write. So my sincerest apologies to anyone reading. This may not be what you expected. A little less witty, a little more loopy. A little all over the place. Like I said, my mind is racing. Racing towards the finish line. The final thought. The sigh of relief. The epiphany. A-ha! The feeling I'm missing... Comfort. I don't feel comfortable in this world tonight. It's just one of those nights. Those nights when you feel a little more alone. A little more helpless. A little more afraid. But I know I'm doing my part to try and make it better. It may not be much to most, but to those I touch, it is. The warmth I feel from people is no accident. I'm happy when everyone else is, remember? So I push forward to a new day. I remember my values and worth. I embrace the love of others. I embrace life. The bullshit of the world and the life we live is merely an anthill compared to the mountain of potential we hold within us. United we stand, divided we fall. So- bullshit! Take your best shot! People- get your noseplugs! The shit's about to hit the fan...
Anywho, life is good. Life is great. Blah, blah, blah. Hip-hip hooray. Whatever. I had a great day today, but something's still missing. Well, my roommate, for one! Where is she? But something not tangible is missing...something I can't see or touch. Something I need to feel. What the hell is it? Would probably help me title this puppy!
Sometimes you sit back and look at the world and allow a little bit too much bad into your head. I think I've done this today. Took much darkness was cast over my big, beautiful, blue sky. The world is a scary place, yes. It also holds a world of possibilities. I try not to get too involved with politics and whatnot. Some say it's wrong. Some don't blame me. In any case, I just can't handle too much bad. (It's all bullshit to me. Pardonez my French. But it is. I just can't confine myself to one side of things. I always have to look at both sides and try to see every angle. It's probably why it's so easy for me to talk to and meet people. When I go out, I'm social butterfly! Fluttering my yappy self all over the place! Then I learn to refrain, and listen. Promise. Just let me say this one mor-)
In my second to last post, I ended with a line about learning what to embrace, accept and filter. I embrace love. I embrace music... kindness... humor, etc. I accept my flaws and those in others. I filter the bullshit of life. Politics, stereotypes, hate, etc. There are so many different things thrown at us on a day-to-day basis, so I just organize them into little groups. What really matters? What's worth my time? What will never change? What do I have the power to control? I keep an organized mind. I have to! There's wayyyy too much goin' on up there! I'm trying to stay focused on the beauty of life and the richness I have savored through positive thinking and holding on to love and music. They are my driving forces through life. But sometimes, a conversation or a news story or a daily occurrence triggers my mental path for the day towards negative emotions. I had a fabulous time with a dear friend tonight, but part of our conversation was based around the bullshit of life, be it cover-ups, the government, today's music- whatever. Yes, I have my own opinions on these matters, but I rarely discuss them or bring them up because some people either can't handle those kinds of conversations, or know WAY more than I do and I end up sitting there saying..."Yeah. I see what you mean. Sure, yeah." No, I don't know a lot about politics. Sorry. No, I've never voted. Sue me. I know I should care more, but I don't.
The point is, my friend and I were discussing matters that lie deeper than that. And the thing is, a lot of what she said made sense. A lot of it I already knew. Some of it was too ridiculous to fathom. But, I am, have and always will be a firm believer in the possibility of anything. There is so much out there we don't understand- how could we possibly know for sure anything? So you usually hear me say, "Hey, it could happen" with a shrug. But tonight, it struck a chord within me. A really ugly chord. It got my mind racing and my imagination diving into places I don't want it to be. So even though I need to be up quite early tomorrow morning, I decided to sit here for an hour and write. So my sincerest apologies to anyone reading. This may not be what you expected. A little less witty, a little more loopy. A little all over the place. Like I said, my mind is racing. Racing towards the finish line. The final thought. The sigh of relief. The epiphany. A-ha! The feeling I'm missing... Comfort. I don't feel comfortable in this world tonight. It's just one of those nights. Those nights when you feel a little more alone. A little more helpless. A little more afraid. But I know I'm doing my part to try and make it better. It may not be much to most, but to those I touch, it is. The warmth I feel from people is no accident. I'm happy when everyone else is, remember? So I push forward to a new day. I remember my values and worth. I embrace the love of others. I embrace life. The bullshit of the world and the life we live is merely an anthill compared to the mountain of potential we hold within us. United we stand, divided we fall. So- bullshit! Take your best shot! People- get your noseplugs! The shit's about to hit the fan...
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