I'm All Shook Up

So many interesting things happening in my life right now... some good, sooome... not so good. "Well, what on earth do you mean, Shaneil?" Oh! Listen up!

I guess I shouldn't get you too excited... some 'happenings' in my life are better left unsaid at the moment... I am definitely feeling a twist of emotions, as I bounce between hope for the future, and angst for what may occur. I have accomplished so much recently, and am extremely proud of it... but. I am about to learn a tough lesson in sticking to my gut and following my moral instincts. It has shaken me awake to the fact that it could all disappear in an instant. No matter the outcome, I only have myself to blame, and that is not a fun feeling. Taking full responsibility for actions that damage your life is a difficult, but necessary, choice. As I've said before, you choose the outcome of your life. You can't control what's given to you, but you can and should control how you handle it. Having taken a situation and chosen the wrong path, I am dealing with the consequences, whatever they may be, and continuing down this path called life the best way I know how... true to myself; true to my heart.

My career is either going to take a very sharp turn, or continue on with a slap on the hand... in any case, my perspective is completely revamped and my guard up more than ever. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I chose to do something wrong and am feeling the pain as I await the results... In my life, I've always believed in good karma. Call it what you want, but every time I chose to be honest and true when I could've attempted the alternative, something good came back around and proved my choice valid. Now, I sit and stew as I find out what the bad can be... another lesson learned; another growth opportunity. I guess we'll just see...

On the other side of the rusty penny, I'm embracing love from all directions. I have a large number of people in my life who care about me, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. You know who you are, and I appreciate you. No matter what happens in life, having a strong support system can get you through the toughest of times. While my journey continues to move up and down, I can always count on the fact that I have a number of shoulders to cry on, lean on, or rest on with a smile on my face. Most importantly, I have myself to count on... and Buster. :) If I get down on myself, he reminds me that at least one being has unconditional love for me... even if I make a mistake. He's my little guy, and my big rock. I just love the heck out of him!

When life throws the ball in your face, go for three more and take the base! Or walk to the mound and punch life in the mouth. Either way, the earth may move below your feet, shaking your world and knocking things down a bit... but if you keep your balance, head on straight, and eyes looking forward- everything falls into place exactly as it should be. So yes, I'm a bit anxious to see what the next couple of weeks hold, but I know that everything happening to me is leading me in the direction it's supposed to... my future. No one else's future, just mine. What I do with it is in my hands, and I prefer the driver's seat over the passenger's. I like to hold the remote. And I wanna push the button!! Okay, I love you, buh bye!

I Just Can't Hide It...

WOW! Has it really been a month?? It doesn't feel like it... yet it feels like forever. It's partially thanks to my incompetent computer... donations for a new one can be sent here:
...you can't see it, but that's my hand.

I'm sure many of you have realized by now that I have a problem... for when do I truly need written word as therapy than when I have a problem? Such is life... yadda yadda yadda. I'm realizing more and more about myself as I travel down the lonely path of singledom... which I'm sure I've mentioned before. I do not forsee much wit in this post, so bear with me...

Every time any glimmer of hope for love comes into my path, I get so damn excited that I push it away. It's a horrible curse that I cannot seem to break. Someone HELP ME! Seriously. Slap me. Or something. Something to wake. my. ass. UP! Nobody likes an overbearing, overattentive loon such as myself... but when I view someone as simply a friend, and treat said person as such, they seem to fall so easily. So what's the deal? I either treat someone as a friend and receive the awkwardness of them pursuing more... orrr I finally feel something and get so flippin' excited that they run for the hills. This is a problem. A problem that lies solely in my hands; my life; my actions. How irritating! Why can't I just relax and let life happen? Well... this is why, folks.

When something good happens to me, I immediately prepare for the worst. Because of this, I decide to hold on as tightly as possible until ultimately, said "good thing" disappears... running in the other direction to avoid their impending doom... my love. 'Cause who the hell wants that??! *Siiigh*

I think that guys and gals are so interesting... guys don't want you to chase. They want to chase. I realize this. I'm aware of this. Yet, when a good guy presents himself, I tend to overbear and overpush and overdo ev.er.y.thing. Annoying, I know. I just can't help it! Then, he becomes just not that into me. And so the vicious circle continues...

I've been (well, previously been) preaching about how you have to focus on yourself... but, myself needs love. She needs attention. She thrives off having someone there to focus on and be attentive with... I can only give myself so much love. I can only be there for myself so much. I can only sit around and talk to myself so much... yes, I do that. Are you really surprised? Get outta' here... seriously. Go.

One day... someday... I will find that one; that one that gets me... that understands me... that appreciates me. My impatience is truly a curse... BUT. When I do find that someone, everything will come into place and feel right... or maybe even wrong. In any case, I will find it. When? Shit... you tell me.