I Just Can't Hide It...

WOW! Has it really been a month?? It doesn't feel like it... yet it feels like forever. It's partially thanks to my incompetent computer... donations for a new one can be sent here:
...you can't see it, but that's my hand.

I'm sure many of you have realized by now that I have a problem... for when do I truly need written word as therapy than when I have a problem? Such is life... yadda yadda yadda. I'm realizing more and more about myself as I travel down the lonely path of singledom... which I'm sure I've mentioned before. I do not forsee much wit in this post, so bear with me...

Every time any glimmer of hope for love comes into my path, I get so damn excited that I push it away. It's a horrible curse that I cannot seem to break. Someone HELP ME! Seriously. Slap me. Or something. Something to wake. my. ass. UP! Nobody likes an overbearing, overattentive loon such as myself... but when I view someone as simply a friend, and treat said person as such, they seem to fall so easily. So what's the deal? I either treat someone as a friend and receive the awkwardness of them pursuing more... orrr I finally feel something and get so flippin' excited that they run for the hills. This is a problem. A problem that lies solely in my hands; my life; my actions. How irritating! Why can't I just relax and let life happen? Well... this is why, folks.

When something good happens to me, I immediately prepare for the worst. Because of this, I decide to hold on as tightly as possible until ultimately, said "good thing" disappears... running in the other direction to avoid their impending doom... my love. 'Cause who the hell wants that??! *Siiigh*

I think that guys and gals are so interesting... guys don't want you to chase. They want to chase. I realize this. I'm aware of this. Yet, when a good guy presents himself, I tend to overbear and overpush and overdo ev.er.y.thing. Annoying, I know. I just can't help it! Then, he becomes just not that into me. And so the vicious circle continues...

I've been (well, previously been) preaching about how you have to focus on yourself... but, myself needs love. She needs attention. She thrives off having someone there to focus on and be attentive with... I can only give myself so much love. I can only be there for myself so much. I can only sit around and talk to myself so much... yes, I do that. Are you really surprised? Get outta' here... seriously. Go.

One day... someday... I will find that one; that one that gets me... that understands me... that appreciates me. My impatience is truly a curse... BUT. When I do find that someone, everything will come into place and feel right... or maybe even wrong. In any case, I will find it. When? Shit... you tell me.

Hey There, Lonely Girl

Per one of my previous posts, Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles, I talked about not hating anything...and I don't. BUT. If I had to choose the thing I greatly dislike the most, it would be loneliness. What a terrible, terrible feeling. When faced with loneliness, I get a knot in the pit of my stomach...this awful, anxious feeling that never goes away. It's like loneliness walked up to me and punched me in the stomach. Ass. Doesn't he have anything better to do???

I usually write once a day, but this is bothering me so much, I can't help but write about it. No, bitch about it. I'm pissed off. I hate feeling this way. I'm perfectly capable of happiness, but I just greatly dislike being alone. I admit it. It sucks. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. Did I say...? Oh, you know.

I'm really not looking for anything serious, but man I miss being held. What a nice feeling to have a warm body next to you and just feel safe. What a woman thing to say. Sheesh! But it is nice. That's all I want. And I don't mean my two smelly little boys (whom I love love love)...but maybe one big smelly one? Haha! Seriously. Taking applications. Like right now.

I know being alone is a good thing for me, and I plan to take full advantage of it. But I need a spooning booty call. Okay, that's silly. A regular booty call? I don't know. I've been down that road before. It takes a special guy. *Sigh* Lonely, lonely, lonely. Stupid emotion. Tricks are for kids.

This is a weird entry for me- a lot rattling around this here noggin'. I just love having that connection with someone who allows me to make out with them after a long night of drinking- is that so much to ask? Haha...wait, is that a boyfriend? Okay, no- a friend with benefits? Have I become this person? I haven't been this person since I was 20! Oh boy, Shaneil's single in her 20's...look out world!

Okay Mr. world, I'm going to bed. Another day awaits me, and I plan to attack it full force. Screw you loneliness, there's only room enough for one of us, and your fly is down! HA! Gotcha.