I'm feeling the heat. It's swarming over me, taking over me! I'm engulfed in the beauty that is... drive.
I take pride in my good qualities. Drive has never been one of them. With my music, at least. I have sat on songs and melodies and ideas for SEVENTEEN YEARS. Not to mention all of the ideas with my newly incorporated talent, guitar, for about 2-3 years. Well, ladies and gentlemen- aaaaat laaaast! My looove has come along! I have found that passion and drive I have so desperately needed for so long! And all from one little gig... one little blip on the music spectrum... something so insignificant to most, but the world to me... my very first show last night. What an honor and blessing this show was! Brought upon me at the very last minute, it will impact the rest of my life. Isn't life grand like that? It's the little moments that make big memories.
With the enormous and positive response from so many people in my life, I have never felt so driven before. I was offered a lot of future opportunities for performances and gigs last night, and I was stoked to take each and every one of them! I can't even imagine turning down an opportunity to perform now... what. a. feeling. Someone criiiiied. Cried. Emotionally connected with my music and lyrics and cried. Amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing. She even asked my buddy to introduce herself to me! She was my first fan! Ahhh!!!
I feel like I should be thanking people for getting me here. But this is just the beginning. The fire is lit and my ass is burnin'! I already have a show June 4th (mark those calendars!), an open mic on Monday that I am NOT missing, a new potential venue for future projects, a friend who is going to get me a gig at a place I've seen friends perform previously... plus new friends, new fans, new musicians, and a new outlook. Siiiiiiiiigh. Life is good.
So. No more rubbing sticks together. The fire is ablaze. The mood is right. The time is now. I've waited my entire life to find the drive to pursue my biggest passion and love in life. Music. I don't even care about the money...I just want to perform. Money would be nice, but that can come later. For now, it's about strengthening my guitar skills, writing every day, and vocal resuscitation. I'm diving in that deep end we've spoken of... my feet are off the board, and I'm mid-air. I feel the wind blowing through my hair as I spread my arms... Look out, LA! Shaneil's got a little wind beneath these broken wings! And with these broken wings, I will still sing.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
It's Alllll In The Hips...
Tomorrow is a BIG day for me! As you probably know, I am performing for the first time not only with an instrument, but my own original material! And I am freeeeeaking out. Just a bit. Okay, a LOT.
I am thrilled that it's happening, though. It's about damn time! After all of the lectures I've received from friends, the encouragement, the pushing, the annoyance in their voices as they tell me for the millionth time... I am FINALLY doing it. This is good for me. I know this. You know this. Buuuuut...I'm still scared, of course.
A friend of mine told me recently that even though he's performed about a thousand times on stage, he still gets nervous every time. Somewhat encouraging, somewhat not. It's comforting to know that someone like him understands, yet I'd like to know it gets easier. Well, I know it gets easier...but it'll never be easy. At least for me. My songs are so personal to me, they're like my children. Each one is carefully thought through and deeply emotional for me. It's why I write. Music is my outlet for all of the crap running through my head on a daily basis. So to share it with the world is a big jump for me. This is it. I'm doing it. No turning back. Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide!
I am incredibly honored to have been asked to do this show, so I want to give it my all. Guess that means I should go to sleep, right? My very good friend, Robert, is coming over in the morning so we can both practice our butts off and give our best tomorrow night. I can't believe it's finally happening...in less than 24 hours. Sounds like the start of a b-e-a-U-tiful friendship! Music, thank you. You have done more for me than anything else in the world. Tomorrow night, it's just me and you. No one else. This is what we've been waiting for. Let's show 'em what we've got... ain't no thang but a guitar strang! .....Yes, I just said that.
I am thrilled that it's happening, though. It's about damn time! After all of the lectures I've received from friends, the encouragement, the pushing, the annoyance in their voices as they tell me for the millionth time... I am FINALLY doing it. This is good for me. I know this. You know this. Buuuuut...I'm still scared, of course.
A friend of mine told me recently that even though he's performed about a thousand times on stage, he still gets nervous every time. Somewhat encouraging, somewhat not. It's comforting to know that someone like him understands, yet I'd like to know it gets easier. Well, I know it gets easier...but it'll never be easy. At least for me. My songs are so personal to me, they're like my children. Each one is carefully thought through and deeply emotional for me. It's why I write. Music is my outlet for all of the crap running through my head on a daily basis. So to share it with the world is a big jump for me. This is it. I'm doing it. No turning back. Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide!
I am incredibly honored to have been asked to do this show, so I want to give it my all. Guess that means I should go to sleep, right? My very good friend, Robert, is coming over in the morning so we can both practice our butts off and give our best tomorrow night. I can't believe it's finally happening...in less than 24 hours. Sounds like the start of a b-e-a-U-tiful friendship! Music, thank you. You have done more for me than anything else in the world. Tomorrow night, it's just me and you. No one else. This is what we've been waiting for. Let's show 'em what we've got... ain't no thang but a guitar strang! .....Yes, I just said that.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Back, Back, Back It Up
Say what you mean, mean what you say. Actions speak louder than words, so act out!
So, that friend of mine got a small talking-to via a text message sent yesterday... no response. BUT. This person did find a small backwoods path to finally reach out in some way...hope they didn't pull a muscle. Clarification: I'm grateful for the effort, but we'll see how long this lasts. I still feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I can't help but feel the distance still staring me in the face. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I put too much in. Either way, that pit-in-my-stomach feeling remains. I guess we'll just see...ee-yeah-ee-yeah. (Another quote from one of my songs...yes, I love my songs).
People hide, people push, people distance themselves, walls, walls, walls. Break down those walls! Trust someone! Give in! It's scary, but sometimes, sometimes, the person is worth it. I think I am. But people tend to ruin good people. Be it a bad relationship, a shaky friendship, or some other situation, it seems that the ones who show up with the right frame of mind are always a day late and a dollar short. Well, my days are numbered and my pockets are running thin. As is my patience.
Frustration, irritation, segregation. Story of my life. Find someone good for me, and they'll run away. Well, I guess that means they're not good for me, right? Or do I just need to let life happen and be happy with the results? Hmm...
There are a lot of good things happening for me right now, so I'm trying to stay focused and happy and content. I have no reason to complain, though I still do. Life is throwing a lot at me, and though my mitt is a bit worn thin, I'm ready and willing to catch whatever life throws my way. It's catch and release. Accept the things I cannot change, rid myself of the things I don't need, move on, dream on, live on. I know I'm a good person and deserve good things. So I'm embracing the good in my life and distancing myself from that which is not. Here I come life, get ready for the aftershock! No funny ending here, just waiting for the quake...
So, that friend of mine got a small talking-to via a text message sent yesterday... no response. BUT. This person did find a small backwoods path to finally reach out in some way...hope they didn't pull a muscle. Clarification: I'm grateful for the effort, but we'll see how long this lasts. I still feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I can't help but feel the distance still staring me in the face. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I put too much in. Either way, that pit-in-my-stomach feeling remains. I guess we'll just see...ee-yeah-ee-yeah. (Another quote from one of my songs...yes, I love my songs).
People hide, people push, people distance themselves, walls, walls, walls. Break down those walls! Trust someone! Give in! It's scary, but sometimes, sometimes, the person is worth it. I think I am. But people tend to ruin good people. Be it a bad relationship, a shaky friendship, or some other situation, it seems that the ones who show up with the right frame of mind are always a day late and a dollar short. Well, my days are numbered and my pockets are running thin. As is my patience.
Frustration, irritation, segregation. Story of my life. Find someone good for me, and they'll run away. Well, I guess that means they're not good for me, right? Or do I just need to let life happen and be happy with the results? Hmm...
There are a lot of good things happening for me right now, so I'm trying to stay focused and happy and content. I have no reason to complain, though I still do. Life is throwing a lot at me, and though my mitt is a bit worn thin, I'm ready and willing to catch whatever life throws my way. It's catch and release. Accept the things I cannot change, rid myself of the things I don't need, move on, dream on, live on. I know I'm a good person and deserve good things. So I'm embracing the good in my life and distancing myself from that which is not. Here I come life, get ready for the aftershock! No funny ending here, just waiting for the quake...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
But Even You Cannot Avoid.....PRESSURE!
Billy Joel reference there. Anybody get it? ...I miss Chris.
Well, golly gee willakers! Look at all this stuff I get to do! On the 'bright side of things', I have my first interview (known in Starbucks land as "interview prep"), on May 7th...yup! A week from Sunday! Oh, and my very first gig...this. THURSDAY. Holy moly! I have to have my 5 songs (luckily, picked out finally!) ready and comfortable in two days... on top of preparing the enormous amount of work it takes for these interviews! This is all excellent news, of course, but the fact of the matter is I'm a little stressed...and excited. Of course.
Cue pressure, enter stage left. This little bugger has crept up in my bliggity blog once again! Ya bastard. I'm extremely excited about this gig, and think that, in some way, the pressure is what's going to get me through this one. This a hump for me. Ohhhh boy, is it a hump! More like a fricken' mountain. I have never performed onstage with an instrument, FIRST off. Secondly, I have never performed my original material on stage. So, count 'em, TWO of my biggest fears and procrastinations of life...which makes it so bittersweet. I'm scared as hell, but I'm ready. Ready to at least put something out there, if not for the slim pickin's of the early crowd, for myself. Five songs that mean the world to me, even if not yet perfect in my mind. This is me, put out on a platter. A somewhat rusty, slightly dented platter- but out there. Holy crap. I'm scared.
With work, I'm really struggling with some, and really kicking ASS with the rest. I must say. I know I can handle this store, it's just taking some adjustments. I'm really tired lately, yet not sleeping well. I am happy to have been cutting back a little on smoking, because when I don't smoke cigarettes, I feel so much more energetic! I feel great! I admit it. It's just so difficult to get past the cravings...the anxiety. I'm tryin' folks, I really am. So it's up and down with that one the last couple of weeks. A lot of stress at work coupled with some stress in my relationships = smoking. Now, with this interview around the corner, the pressure's on! I have a decent stack of paperwork to work on, a resume/cover letter to polish, a coffee tasting with three different coffees that blows them away and relates to me as a leader, etc etc et cehskgh...yeah. All while working my butt off every day and taking my one day off this week to cram for a gig and then go perform. Yikes.
A lot to handle, but a lot of AMAZING. These are all things I need to accomplish, and have strived to accomplish for some time now. Especially the music side of it. I mean, I've only been writing songs for... SEVENTEEN YEARS... yeah. One year short of an adult life of procrastination. Kind of a big deal. I smell mahogany. Rich mahogany.
Well, golly gee willakers! Look at all this stuff I get to do! On the 'bright side of things', I have my first interview (known in Starbucks land as "interview prep"), on May 7th...yup! A week from Sunday! Oh, and my very first gig...this. THURSDAY. Holy moly! I have to have my 5 songs (luckily, picked out finally!) ready and comfortable in two days... on top of preparing the enormous amount of work it takes for these interviews! This is all excellent news, of course, but the fact of the matter is I'm a little stressed...and excited. Of course.
Cue pressure, enter stage left. This little bugger has crept up in my bliggity blog once again! Ya bastard. I'm extremely excited about this gig, and think that, in some way, the pressure is what's going to get me through this one. This a hump for me. Ohhhh boy, is it a hump! More like a fricken' mountain. I have never performed onstage with an instrument, FIRST off. Secondly, I have never performed my original material on stage. So, count 'em, TWO of my biggest fears and procrastinations of life...which makes it so bittersweet. I'm scared as hell, but I'm ready. Ready to at least put something out there, if not for the slim pickin's of the early crowd, for myself. Five songs that mean the world to me, even if not yet perfect in my mind. This is me, put out on a platter. A somewhat rusty, slightly dented platter- but out there. Holy crap. I'm scared.
With work, I'm really struggling with some, and really kicking ASS with the rest. I must say. I know I can handle this store, it's just taking some adjustments. I'm really tired lately, yet not sleeping well. I am happy to have been cutting back a little on smoking, because when I don't smoke cigarettes, I feel so much more energetic! I feel great! I admit it. It's just so difficult to get past the cravings...the anxiety. I'm tryin' folks, I really am. So it's up and down with that one the last couple of weeks. A lot of stress at work coupled with some stress in my relationships = smoking. Now, with this interview around the corner, the pressure's on! I have a decent stack of paperwork to work on, a resume/cover letter to polish, a coffee tasting with three different coffees that blows them away and relates to me as a leader, etc etc et cehskgh...yeah. All while working my butt off every day and taking my one day off this week to cram for a gig and then go perform. Yikes.
A lot to handle, but a lot of AMAZING. These are all things I need to accomplish, and have strived to accomplish for some time now. Especially the music side of it. I mean, I've only been writing songs for... SEVENTEEN YEARS... yeah. One year short of an adult life of procrastination. Kind of a big deal. I smell mahogany. Rich mahogany.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Patience is a PAIN
In my very first post, I graced you with my joke about not being a doctor or having patients (patience)...I know, I know. Genius. But I really don't...in some aspects. I can be very patient in certain circumstances, but in others.....nooot so much.
A great man once said, "The waiting is the hardest part." Ain't that the truth! With a combination of my anxiety and lack of patience, I sometimes get very frustrated with a situation (as seen in my last post). This can eat away at me and derail my focus from what's important. Then I have a cigarette, forgetting my promise to myself to stop. Then I have a drink, to alleviate the pain of the knot in my stomach, and once again, forgo a goal. Gah! Enough!
I'm saying this right here and right now. I'm done with all of it. Well, the "stuff" I need to be done with. Tag 'Em and Bag 'Em!, as I've said before. But I mean it this time. My patience has run out, the tap is dry. So, I'm moving forward with a clearer view of the road ahead. Littered with shiny objects and temptations to turn, I'm keeping my head high and pushing through. Nothing is worth my time and efforts and impatience and frustrations when the road is a one-way street. I deserve more than that. I know this. The people who appreciate me know this. So it's time to hold true to that. From here on out, Shaneil is grabbing life by the balls with the grip of determination! Don't worry... I'll be gentle.
A great man once said, "The waiting is the hardest part." Ain't that the truth! With a combination of my anxiety and lack of patience, I sometimes get very frustrated with a situation (as seen in my last post). This can eat away at me and derail my focus from what's important. Then I have a cigarette, forgetting my promise to myself to stop. Then I have a drink, to alleviate the pain of the knot in my stomach, and once again, forgo a goal. Gah! Enough!
I'm saying this right here and right now. I'm done with all of it. Well, the "stuff" I need to be done with. Tag 'Em and Bag 'Em!, as I've said before. But I mean it this time. My patience has run out, the tap is dry. So, I'm moving forward with a clearer view of the road ahead. Littered with shiny objects and temptations to turn, I'm keeping my head high and pushing through. Nothing is worth my time and efforts and impatience and frustrations when the road is a one-way street. I deserve more than that. I know this. The people who appreciate me know this. So it's time to hold true to that. From here on out, Shaneil is grabbing life by the balls with the grip of determination! Don't worry... I'll be gentle.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
P-Push It Real Good
I'm frustrated. I admit it. I had an up and down week, and although it ended on a good note, I'm still frustrated. "With what, Shaneil?" Well.....people.
How long do you put yourself out there for someone before you give up? How long do you try to be supportive and a good friend with no reciprocation? What's the limit? Seriously? I need to know...because I'm tired of being ignored. Tired of being pushed away. Tired of feeling like I don't exist. It's not fair. "Well, life's no-" SHUT IT!
So I have this friend. Someone I consider a good friend. And this friend likes to ignore and push me away at certain points. And I take it. And take it. Aaaaand...well. You know. What's so wrong with someone trying to be there for you? Why put up these walls? Where does this fear come from? And how long do I sit back and let it happen? Why do I even care anymore? Questions left unanswered...that I can't even ask. Because? I'll be ignored. Big surprise.
Don't get me wrong...I know your answer. "Let it go! Don't talk to them! They just don't appreciate you..." Well, this friend of mine is also going through a lot of crappity crap crap. So, I try to be understanding and let life happen around our "friendship". But...I can't help feeling left in the dust...when I deserve more. And I hang on because I care...too much. As usual. This is quite annoying. I'm over it. DONE.
You see...once you get into my heart, you're pretty much stuck there. *insert evil laugh here* I know this person is a good person, but they obviously don't realize how they make me feel. How the silence kills me. And without going into too much detail (as with anything a little too personal for the world wide web), I'm afraid to broach the subject for fear of these words: "drama", "overthinking", "overanalytical", "silly", cop-out, cop-out, COP-OUT. Why is it so hard to talk about these kinds of things? Especially with the opposite sex? Just SAY IT! FUCK! Sorry...getting a little out of control here. *deep breath* Okay. Moving on.
A myriad of rhetorical questions, I know. I'm a smart girl. I know most of these answers. But it's complicated...and if I didn't write about it, it was going to eat away at me that much more. I don't know. I'm...actually at a loss for words. Now there's a first.
How long do you put yourself out there for someone before you give up? How long do you try to be supportive and a good friend with no reciprocation? What's the limit? Seriously? I need to know...because I'm tired of being ignored. Tired of being pushed away. Tired of feeling like I don't exist. It's not fair. "Well, life's no-" SHUT IT!
So I have this friend. Someone I consider a good friend. And this friend likes to ignore and push me away at certain points. And I take it. And take it. Aaaaand...well. You know. What's so wrong with someone trying to be there for you? Why put up these walls? Where does this fear come from? And how long do I sit back and let it happen? Why do I even care anymore? Questions left unanswered...that I can't even ask. Because? I'll be ignored. Big surprise.
Don't get me wrong...I know your answer. "Let it go! Don't talk to them! They just don't appreciate you..." Well, this friend of mine is also going through a lot of crappity crap crap. So, I try to be understanding and let life happen around our "friendship". But...I can't help feeling left in the dust...when I deserve more. And I hang on because I care...too much. As usual. This is quite annoying. I'm over it. DONE.
You see...once you get into my heart, you're pretty much stuck there. *insert evil laugh here* I know this person is a good person, but they obviously don't realize how they make me feel. How the silence kills me. And without going into too much detail (as with anything a little too personal for the world wide web), I'm afraid to broach the subject for fear of these words: "drama", "overthinking", "overanalytical", "silly", cop-out, cop-out, COP-OUT. Why is it so hard to talk about these kinds of things? Especially with the opposite sex? Just SAY IT! FUCK! Sorry...getting a little out of control here. *deep breath* Okay. Moving on.
A myriad of rhetorical questions, I know. I'm a smart girl. I know most of these answers. But it's complicated...and if I didn't write about it, it was going to eat away at me that much more. I don't know. I'm...actually at a loss for words. Now there's a first.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Clean House = Clean Mind
There's some old adage about a clean home equalling a clean mind...well, today I'm putting that to the test! My amazing roommate and I cleaned and disinfected the entire apartment all day. Man, what a feeling!!! An unclogged shower? Clear and clean counters in the kitchen? Clothes hung up with care? Check!
On top of that, my beloved taxes cleared sometime last night...thank you for something, government! Even though you just gave me some of my hard-earned money back...but whatever. I digress. The point is, I FINALLY got to buy things I've been needing in the back of my mind for so long! New work clothes, underwear (since my puppy loves to chew them to smitherines...), a new mouse/mousepad, food/water bowls and toys for my boys, groceries, etc. Oh, happy day!
It's time to get going on all of those goals I set recently. First up? Although not mentioned on the list of goals, I have been drinking far more than I'd like lately. So that's out. For the most part, anyways. Also, I have GOT to cut back on my smoking! I did really well for a couple of days...a couple of days...like two. So it's time to hit that hard and cut-it-out! (Lame Full House reference...don't judge me.) I also need to get going with my music, going out to open mics and whatnot. I already agreed to a show next week, just haven't heard back from the friend putting it together. If all goes well, my very first show will be THURSDAY!!! Details to follow, of course.
Having the place clean and organized, I already feel better! Life is slowly putting itself in order for me, and I appreciate that life! I feel some good things just around the riverbend...and I'm with paddle in hand and ready to fight the waves along the way! This week started off amazing...then quickly turned horrid. BUT, with my heart in my hand, I pushed through and am ending on a strong note! I feel really good today, and look forward to what lays ahead. No more messing around. No more just writing it. I have the tools in hand, and it's time to start hammering! Building the shelter I wish to live in. Myself. Only I control it, no one else. Life.....is officially my bitch.
On top of that, my beloved taxes cleared sometime last night...thank you for something, government! Even though you just gave me some of my hard-earned money back...but whatever. I digress. The point is, I FINALLY got to buy things I've been needing in the back of my mind for so long! New work clothes, underwear (since my puppy loves to chew them to smitherines...), a new mouse/mousepad, food/water bowls and toys for my boys, groceries, etc. Oh, happy day!
It's time to get going on all of those goals I set recently. First up? Although not mentioned on the list of goals, I have been drinking far more than I'd like lately. So that's out. For the most part, anyways. Also, I have GOT to cut back on my smoking! I did really well for a couple of days...a couple of days...like two. So it's time to hit that hard and cut-it-out! (Lame Full House reference...don't judge me.) I also need to get going with my music, going out to open mics and whatnot. I already agreed to a show next week, just haven't heard back from the friend putting it together. If all goes well, my very first show will be THURSDAY!!! Details to follow, of course.
Having the place clean and organized, I already feel better! Life is slowly putting itself in order for me, and I appreciate that life! I feel some good things just around the riverbend...and I'm with paddle in hand and ready to fight the waves along the way! This week started off amazing...then quickly turned horrid. BUT, with my heart in my hand, I pushed through and am ending on a strong note! I feel really good today, and look forward to what lays ahead. No more messing around. No more just writing it. I have the tools in hand, and it's time to start hammering! Building the shelter I wish to live in. Myself. Only I control it, no one else. Life.....is officially my bitch.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
...With a Little Help From My Friends
Alright life, you've thrown some curveballs at me the last 24 hours, and I respect that. But enough is enough.
If you recall, I mentioned in Frankie Say RELAX that I have about 25 bad days a year. Well, lucky me! I just had one...although, not in the sense that it was all in one day, but in one 24-hour period. And boy, was. it. bad. Without divulging too much, I had an upsetting visit with a close friend, became somewhat "ill" for a day, found out my dogs ate chocolate, and had a miserably lonely, sick day off. Well, shit on a brick. Don't know what that means, but it feels right.
These days are draining for me. With so much good in my life, it's hard to handle the really, really bad. It's true, I don't have much, but I really appreciate what I do have. My grandparents certainly raised me well! They at least instilled that quality in me, I'm proud to say. So when something goes terribly wrong, it tends to go super fuckin' terribly wrong. This was my last 24 hours. Awful, awful, emotionally draining 24 hours. Thankfully, the good in my life always prevails!
With my roommate home and my two little boys in good health, all is well in the world again. I am truly thankful for the friends I have made down here, and Jamie Elizabeth Goss is no flippin' exception! My roommate, literally (as in, we share a room!), and best friend, a person I can count on for anything. She's family. There's a large portion of my heart with a No Vacancy sign lit up permanently for her.
Although she is obviously a huge part of my life, I have made many, many other amazing friends here in LA. Daniel, Teri, Nick R., Nick A., Nick M. (I said I love me some Nicks!), Veronica, Lino, Vada, Mario...the list goes on and on. If you've read my "about me" on Facebook, you know I have a constant need for interaction. So every single person who I interact with, no matter how little or how much, is a part of who I am. They make me whole, in one way or another. During this 24-hour period, one of them hurt me very badly. That's a very hard thing to handle, so I'm here to say "thank you." Thank you to the ones who truly care and know how to handle me. The ones who get me. The ones who never let me down. You know who you are, and you know that you're loved...just want you to know it's more than you probably expected.
After an exhausting day of grief, I'm thankful to be going to work tomorrow. I have settled in quite nicely at my new store, and am of course, extremely grateful for it. It's nice to get back to the daily grind when the world gets in the way of my happy little life. I love my life. I love my friends. World, you can try and try, but somehow, someway, I will always come out on top. Because damn it, that's where the good lovin' is!
If you recall, I mentioned in Frankie Say RELAX that I have about 25 bad days a year. Well, lucky me! I just had one...although, not in the sense that it was all in one day, but in one 24-hour period. And boy, was. it. bad. Without divulging too much, I had an upsetting visit with a close friend, became somewhat "ill" for a day, found out my dogs ate chocolate, and had a miserably lonely, sick day off. Well, shit on a brick. Don't know what that means, but it feels right.
These days are draining for me. With so much good in my life, it's hard to handle the really, really bad. It's true, I don't have much, but I really appreciate what I do have. My grandparents certainly raised me well! They at least instilled that quality in me, I'm proud to say. So when something goes terribly wrong, it tends to go super fuckin' terribly wrong. This was my last 24 hours. Awful, awful, emotionally draining 24 hours. Thankfully, the good in my life always prevails!
With my roommate home and my two little boys in good health, all is well in the world again. I am truly thankful for the friends I have made down here, and Jamie Elizabeth Goss is no flippin' exception! My roommate, literally (as in, we share a room!), and best friend, a person I can count on for anything. She's family. There's a large portion of my heart with a No Vacancy sign lit up permanently for her.
Although she is obviously a huge part of my life, I have made many, many other amazing friends here in LA. Daniel, Teri, Nick R., Nick A., Nick M. (I said I love me some Nicks!), Veronica, Lino, Vada, Mario...the list goes on and on. If you've read my "about me" on Facebook, you know I have a constant need for interaction. So every single person who I interact with, no matter how little or how much, is a part of who I am. They make me whole, in one way or another. During this 24-hour period, one of them hurt me very badly. That's a very hard thing to handle, so I'm here to say "thank you." Thank you to the ones who truly care and know how to handle me. The ones who get me. The ones who never let me down. You know who you are, and you know that you're loved...just want you to know it's more than you probably expected.
After an exhausting day of grief, I'm thankful to be going to work tomorrow. I have settled in quite nicely at my new store, and am of course, extremely grateful for it. It's nice to get back to the daily grind when the world gets in the way of my happy little life. I love my life. I love my friends. World, you can try and try, but somehow, someway, I will always come out on top. Because damn it, that's where the good lovin' is!
Under Pressure, Pushing Down on Me
This week started off so well, it's shocking to me that it could turn so ugly. I had two amazing days of hanging out with some great guy friends of mine, turned into an absolutely horrid night last night and fearful morning today. If the crappy gets any worse, I may lose it this week.
I feel pressure every day to keep myself responsible and sane. There's a lot going on in this brain of mine, and it's distracting when it comes to my responsibilities. I think I need to start meditating...or yoga. Or something. Music definitely keeps me sane. As stated before, I write about things I can't say out loud...or shouldn't. This relieves a lot of pressure and anxiety. Anxiety is a big problem of mine. I have also spoken about this before, but it really hit home last night. Through a series of unfortunate events, I had a major panic attack last night. I called two of my best friends, Jamie Goss and Daniel Erde, and they both called back immediately with loving words and open arms/ears. What a lucky girl I am to have such amazing friends! The night got worse before it got better, but I got home, put on some tunes, and sat back to let the beauty of music heal my damaged heart and soul. Have I mentioned I'm in love with music?
Pressure is a dangerous thing...it pushes down on your whole body and makes you feel this big. I usually work very well under pressure, but the last couple of days have taken a toll on me. Today is a day for music and love. CAGED system, new songs, my boys, and my bestie/roommate (when she gets home from work). Who needs more than that? I embrace these things when life gets in the way of my happiness. I know I deserve more than what I get, so I go out and get it. I dive into my loves and passions of life and let them take me away to a land of relaxation, acceptance and renewal. Pressure won't get to me, because I refuse to allow it to...get to me. (Aren't you not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition? Did that sentence count since I used the word? I'm confused...) Life is TOO effing short to let these things affect my positive outlook and general happiness in life. I love life. Life loves me. So let's do this!
So. Pressure. Anxiety. Unfortunate events. Negative energy. You can all go to hell...you go to hell and you DIE! That is all.
I feel pressure every day to keep myself responsible and sane. There's a lot going on in this brain of mine, and it's distracting when it comes to my responsibilities. I think I need to start meditating...or yoga. Or something. Music definitely keeps me sane. As stated before, I write about things I can't say out loud...or shouldn't. This relieves a lot of pressure and anxiety. Anxiety is a big problem of mine. I have also spoken about this before, but it really hit home last night. Through a series of unfortunate events, I had a major panic attack last night. I called two of my best friends, Jamie Goss and Daniel Erde, and they both called back immediately with loving words and open arms/ears. What a lucky girl I am to have such amazing friends! The night got worse before it got better, but I got home, put on some tunes, and sat back to let the beauty of music heal my damaged heart and soul. Have I mentioned I'm in love with music?
Pressure is a dangerous thing...it pushes down on your whole body and makes you feel this big. I usually work very well under pressure, but the last couple of days have taken a toll on me. Today is a day for music and love. CAGED system, new songs, my boys, and my bestie/roommate (when she gets home from work). Who needs more than that? I embrace these things when life gets in the way of my happiness. I know I deserve more than what I get, so I go out and get it. I dive into my loves and passions of life and let them take me away to a land of relaxation, acceptance and renewal. Pressure won't get to me, because I refuse to allow it to...get to me. (Aren't you not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition? Did that sentence count since I used the word? I'm confused...) Life is TOO effing short to let these things affect my positive outlook and general happiness in life. I love life. Life loves me. So let's do this!
So. Pressure. Anxiety. Unfortunate events. Negative energy. You can all go to hell...you go to hell and you DIE! That is all.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I Ain't Scared of No Ghost!
I touched on fear in Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles, but it was referenced more towards fearing people we don't understand. Today kids, let's talk about fear in general.
As I've said before, I worry too much. It's true. I have had to train myself to relax and let life happen. This is not easy for me, but I have made some incredible steps and now live a much more care-free lifestyle. I love my life where it's at right now. There's no pressure, just taking each day at a time and trying to live my life the best I can while treating everyone else how I want to be treated. Feels like I've heard that last part before...hmmm.
Fear is the only thing holding me back from getting exactly what I want out of life. I want to be a musician. I don't want fame...don't care for fortune....but if I could have a small group of fans who appreciate what I write about, come see me play and maybe buy some tunes, then I'd be a happy gal! Kinda' hard to do that if I never go out and perform...sooo...I'm trying to motivate myself to do just that. I have been working on some new material that I'm damn proud of, and even got offered a gig for next week (on top of an already existing 1st gig on June 4th!!! Want to come see me? I would!) I went to a couple of shows Sunday and Monday featuring my extremely talented friend, Nick Reiter (If you haven't seen this guy- you're missing out my friend!), and it always gets me thinking about performing. I miss it. It's so ridiculously hard for me to get up on a stage, but once I do, you have to drag my ass off! Not that you should. I'm kind of a big deal.
I know. I talk about music a lot. I'm kind of in love with it. A lot. Music has saved me from many crappy experiences throughout my life, and continues to do so. It loves you back unconditionally. It tears you down and builds you back up. It's the wind beneath my clipped wings. Now to find that bastard with the scissors!
Moving right along...I see fear hold people back from so much in life. Dreams. Goals. Change. Love. Ahhhh love. Another passion of mine. Why are so many people afraid of it? Because so many people suck at it. There's your flippin' nutshell! Yes, I am one of those "I'm not looking for anything right now" people, as stated before. Man, I'm unoriginal. BUT. If something amazing came along, would I turn it down? Hell-to-the-no. Life's too short for wastin' your love! (I totally just quoted my own song...don't judge me.) I love my life where it's at right now, wouldn't change...much, but love is so rare and so hard to find in its purest form. If that came knockin' at my door right now, I'd be a fool to turn it down. I do, however, understand the apprehensions people face when confronted by love. I feel them, too. I have been hurt in ways no person should endure, but it only strengthened my heart and taught me lessons in love that make me a better lover...and a better judge of character. It saddens me that this fear caused my last relationship to slowly fade. Love was never our problem. Embracing it was. I learned so much from our time together, and will forever be thankful that I learned it with my best friend. Let's just say, the next guy will have to be pretty amazing to win this heart over!
Another friend of mine, another Nick (I love me some Nicks!), posted on facebook today: "It's always saddening to see an amazingly talented person held back from true success by nothing more than their own fear of failure", to which a friend of his said, "How about a fear of success?" Wow. Nail. On. The. Head. I'm not tooting my own horn or anything, but a part of me is afraid to pursue music because of this exact statement. I would love love LOVE to be able to make money off of my music and maybe even just my music, but I do NOT want fame. No, thank you. I want to be able to walk down the street without 3 bodyguards judging everything and everyone around me. I don't think I could handle the pressure that comes with that kind of success. And I especially don't want to fall into the dark and dreary depths of the music business. I happen to like this pretty little head on my shoulders, and don't need it tampered with. And so, another reason I only play for my dogs...and a select few friends.
I could touch on a plethera of fears, but it's late and I have to be up in 5 hours. Don't think I don't see you falling asleep as I ramble on either! People say the best way to conquer your fears is to face your fears. So, fear- *ahem*- bring it on. It's time we settled our differences and moved on. I don't like you, you don't like me. Personally, I think you're an idiot, and word on the street is you think I'm a wuss. Well guess what??? I am. Get over yourself. I hear your biggest fear is you- so who's got the issues now? Ass.
As I've said before, I worry too much. It's true. I have had to train myself to relax and let life happen. This is not easy for me, but I have made some incredible steps and now live a much more care-free lifestyle. I love my life where it's at right now. There's no pressure, just taking each day at a time and trying to live my life the best I can while treating everyone else how I want to be treated. Feels like I've heard that last part before...hmmm.
Fear is the only thing holding me back from getting exactly what I want out of life. I want to be a musician. I don't want fame...don't care for fortune....but if I could have a small group of fans who appreciate what I write about, come see me play and maybe buy some tunes, then I'd be a happy gal! Kinda' hard to do that if I never go out and perform...sooo...I'm trying to motivate myself to do just that. I have been working on some new material that I'm damn proud of, and even got offered a gig for next week (on top of an already existing 1st gig on June 4th!!! Want to come see me? I would!) I went to a couple of shows Sunday and Monday featuring my extremely talented friend, Nick Reiter (If you haven't seen this guy- you're missing out my friend!), and it always gets me thinking about performing. I miss it. It's so ridiculously hard for me to get up on a stage, but once I do, you have to drag my ass off! Not that you should. I'm kind of a big deal.
I know. I talk about music a lot. I'm kind of in love with it. A lot. Music has saved me from many crappy experiences throughout my life, and continues to do so. It loves you back unconditionally. It tears you down and builds you back up. It's the wind beneath my clipped wings. Now to find that bastard with the scissors!
Moving right along...I see fear hold people back from so much in life. Dreams. Goals. Change. Love. Ahhhh love. Another passion of mine. Why are so many people afraid of it? Because so many people suck at it. There's your flippin' nutshell! Yes, I am one of those "I'm not looking for anything right now" people, as stated before. Man, I'm unoriginal. BUT. If something amazing came along, would I turn it down? Hell-to-the-no. Life's too short for wastin' your love! (I totally just quoted my own song...don't judge me.) I love my life where it's at right now, wouldn't change...much, but love is so rare and so hard to find in its purest form. If that came knockin' at my door right now, I'd be a fool to turn it down. I do, however, understand the apprehensions people face when confronted by love. I feel them, too. I have been hurt in ways no person should endure, but it only strengthened my heart and taught me lessons in love that make me a better lover...and a better judge of character. It saddens me that this fear caused my last relationship to slowly fade. Love was never our problem. Embracing it was. I learned so much from our time together, and will forever be thankful that I learned it with my best friend. Let's just say, the next guy will have to be pretty amazing to win this heart over!
Another friend of mine, another Nick (I love me some Nicks!), posted on facebook today: "It's always saddening to see an amazingly talented person held back from true success by nothing more than their own fear of failure", to which a friend of his said, "How about a fear of success?" Wow. Nail. On. The. Head. I'm not tooting my own horn or anything, but a part of me is afraid to pursue music because of this exact statement. I would love love LOVE to be able to make money off of my music and maybe even just my music, but I do NOT want fame. No, thank you. I want to be able to walk down the street without 3 bodyguards judging everything and everyone around me. I don't think I could handle the pressure that comes with that kind of success. And I especially don't want to fall into the dark and dreary depths of the music business. I happen to like this pretty little head on my shoulders, and don't need it tampered with. And so, another reason I only play for my dogs...and a select few friends.
I could touch on a plethera of fears, but it's late and I have to be up in 5 hours. Don't think I don't see you falling asleep as I ramble on either! People say the best way to conquer your fears is to face your fears. So, fear- *ahem*- bring it on. It's time we settled our differences and moved on. I don't like you, you don't like me. Personally, I think you're an idiot, and word on the street is you think I'm a wuss. Well guess what??? I am. Get over yourself. I hear your biggest fear is you- so who's got the issues now? Ass.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Geeky Chic
I'm a dork. A nerd. Kinda lame. And I like it!
I think being a dork is the new "cool". Or maybe that's just what happens when you leave the bullshit of high school? Not sure yet. In any case, I like being a dork. I like being able to say something ridiculous and get away with it, because well..."she's just a dork." (PS...does anyone remember what 'dork' meant? I'm not saying it because, well- it's just stupid.) My point is, I think everyone should embrace their "dorkness". Why do we care so much what people think??? Say something silly! Laugh out loud! Snort! Dance in public! Enjoy yourself!
I like to think of my life as a musical, and everyone should join in! I tend to break into song...about ev-er-y-thing! I can pretty much take anything you say and find a song that matches it. It's fun for me. It's annoying for you. Get over it. I'm a dork, remember?
SO. I'm curious, what's the dorkiest thing you've ever done? It'll be our little secret. And the rest of the world wide web.
I think being a dork is the new "cool". Or maybe that's just what happens when you leave the bullshit of high school? Not sure yet. In any case, I like being a dork. I like being able to say something ridiculous and get away with it, because well..."she's just a dork." (PS...does anyone remember what 'dork' meant? I'm not saying it because, well- it's just stupid.) My point is, I think everyone should embrace their "dorkness". Why do we care so much what people think??? Say something silly! Laugh out loud! Snort! Dance in public! Enjoy yourself!
I like to think of my life as a musical, and everyone should join in! I tend to break into song...about ev-er-y-thing! I can pretty much take anything you say and find a song that matches it. It's fun for me. It's annoying for you. Get over it. I'm a dork, remember?
SO. I'm curious, what's the dorkiest thing you've ever done? It'll be our little secret. And the rest of the world wide web.
You Can't Always Get What You Want...
...but you can try sometimes....to get what you neeeeeeeeed! If you have me on Facebook, you've probably seen me quote this before. Now, I'm not a huge Rolling Stones fan...I can probably name about 8 songs I really like by them. BUT. Never a truer statement has been spoken than this one. You can't always get what you want. But you should try sometimes to get what you need. Because damn it- you deserve it!
I just had a really great night with one of my best friends, Jono. Surprisingly enough, he is the brother of my now ex-boyfriend, Chris. Jono (known by most as Jon) and I did not get along right off the bat. The funny thing? We had so much in common, it drove us both insane. We eventually learned to embrace it, and now are closer than I am with most of my family. He is my brother. And I love him dearly.
So. We went out tonight, after spending the afternoon in my apartment. We had a GREAT time! I miss spending time with people that mean that much to me. Stupid life- get out of the way! Since it had been a while for us, we talked about "how things are going" for us. We discussed a lot of issues we are going through at the same time...craving love, wanting to put our all into our common passion, and reconnecting with friends. And I thought of this lyric. (Remember...the title of this post?) There are a few select things that I want right now....thaaaaaat....I can't have. And that pisses me off. But it's life. C'est la vie, as they say! (By the way...who are 'they'???)
However, there are many things that I need right now, and I just need to embrace that. I need to focus on my job. I need to focus on music. I need to be happy alone, and take it all in for what it's worth. So, I'm striving for these things. I've posted a lot recently about following goals and focusing on what's important. It's easy to write these things, but to do them?? Another story. I feel like writing this blog is a way of preparing myself mentally and emotionally to pursue these things that I need. For example, whenever I feel down about love and so on, I reread "Tag 'Em & Bag 'Em!". It reminds me that I need to focus on myself and my goals, rather than dwell on what "could" or "could've been".
It's hard to motivate yourself. Usually, I need people pushing me to do this. Luckily, I have a few people in my life right now that do push me in certain directions I've struggled pushing myself towards...ie. my buddy, Nick, has been pushing my ass to get better at guitar and doesn't exactly go easy on me. This is what I need, people! He knows me well enough to see that if you don't push me, I will sit around and twiddle my freakin' thumbs. Well, these thumbs are tired and the rest of my body is aching for more. I'm currently writing a song about this. I include, for you, a sneak preview of what's to come of this song below. You're welcome. I'm anticipating your fan mail.
I used to say, that nothing could take my soul.
Used to say, that I would always be in control.
How naive a thing, knowing full well my heart
controls my being, leaving no part of me
guarded from love's cruel touch.
And I used to dream, in colors bright as the sky.
Get lost in my being, and ride on that wave for a while.
Now, the future's so close and the past is so far from me.
As I sing this, I sing this in agony.
I can't take it, I'm running away. Running away...
'Cause there's gotta be something better than this.
Feel like I know the way, but I always resist.
Why do I hold on to the pain? It's like slitting my wrists.
How can someone be so selflessly malicious?
And lovingly vicious....
I just had a really great night with one of my best friends, Jono. Surprisingly enough, he is the brother of my now ex-boyfriend, Chris. Jono (known by most as Jon) and I did not get along right off the bat. The funny thing? We had so much in common, it drove us both insane. We eventually learned to embrace it, and now are closer than I am with most of my family. He is my brother. And I love him dearly.
So. We went out tonight, after spending the afternoon in my apartment. We had a GREAT time! I miss spending time with people that mean that much to me. Stupid life- get out of the way! Since it had been a while for us, we talked about "how things are going" for us. We discussed a lot of issues we are going through at the same time...craving love, wanting to put our all into our common passion, and reconnecting with friends. And I thought of this lyric. (Remember...the title of this post?) There are a few select things that I want right now....thaaaaaat....I can't have. And that pisses me off. But it's life. C'est la vie, as they say! (By the way...who are 'they'???)
However, there are many things that I need right now, and I just need to embrace that. I need to focus on my job. I need to focus on music. I need to be happy alone, and take it all in for what it's worth. So, I'm striving for these things. I've posted a lot recently about following goals and focusing on what's important. It's easy to write these things, but to do them?? Another story. I feel like writing this blog is a way of preparing myself mentally and emotionally to pursue these things that I need. For example, whenever I feel down about love and so on, I reread "Tag 'Em & Bag 'Em!". It reminds me that I need to focus on myself and my goals, rather than dwell on what "could" or "could've been".
It's hard to motivate yourself. Usually, I need people pushing me to do this. Luckily, I have a few people in my life right now that do push me in certain directions I've struggled pushing myself towards...ie. my buddy, Nick, has been pushing my ass to get better at guitar and doesn't exactly go easy on me. This is what I need, people! He knows me well enough to see that if you don't push me, I will sit around and twiddle my freakin' thumbs. Well, these thumbs are tired and the rest of my body is aching for more. I'm currently writing a song about this. I include, for you, a sneak preview of what's to come of this song below. You're welcome. I'm anticipating your fan mail.
I used to say, that nothing could take my soul.
Used to say, that I would always be in control.
How naive a thing, knowing full well my heart
controls my being, leaving no part of me
guarded from love's cruel touch.
And I used to dream, in colors bright as the sky.
Get lost in my being, and ride on that wave for a while.
Now, the future's so close and the past is so far from me.
As I sing this, I sing this in agony.
I can't take it, I'm running away. Running away...
'Cause there's gotta be something better than this.
Feel like I know the way, but I always resist.
Why do I hold on to the pain? It's like slitting my wrists.
How can someone be so selflessly malicious?
And lovingly vicious....
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Lyrically Dangerous
Oh goodness...I greatly dislike my neighbors. Let. Me. Tell. You. Sometimes, it is so hard to be lyrical and creative over the sounds of barking dogs, screaming parents, crying children...and if I hear someone's car horn playing "La Cucaracha" one more time...I'm sorry. But it's annoying. Not to mention the little girl downstairs, who yells out the window up the extremely narrow corridor we're boxed into, talking to other people such as her mother, "You know what my favorite instrument is, Mommy? The flute. I hate guitar. I HATE guitar! Uggghhh hello!" Little girl...I have no words for you. But I will throw a rock at your head.
When I do actually get to sit down and write, it is a very up and down process. Sometimes I can write a song, top to bottom, in a matter of maybe 5-10 minutes. This is always VERY exciting and usually my best material. Those "in the moment" moments make for pure, honest material while I'm still feeling whatever emotion took me there. On a very cool note, I once watched (well, a few times watched) a four-hour special on Tom Petty called Runnin' Down a Dream. What an amazing, amazing man. Well, he started talking about how he writes a song...and he says sometimes the songs just come to him, as if he didn't write it, but was the vessel for it. I turned to Chris with a smile on my face, because this is how I feel, but thought I was crazy! Sometimes I finish a song in one sitting, no stopping, constant writing...and at the end, I'm like "Where did that come from?" I feel like I blacked out. Nothing weird, calm down. It's just an amazing feeling when you feel like music is your tool, but you are its, also. I'm pretty sure I broke some kind of grammatical rule there. Hmm.
Sometimes, I sit and stew on something for a while. (Oh my gosh, I just heard La Cucaracha again! Ahhhh!!!) ..... Anyways. I'm okay. SO. Sometimes, I have to dwell on something a little more, usually because I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. My songs are pretty honest. In fact, my lyrics are made of the stuff I don't tell ya. Sometimes, if you know me well enough, you can pick things up and know what I'm talking about. BUT. A-ha! I mix it up a bit, add in feelings on other subjects, and what have you. I don't want to be too specific and not have anyone relate, but I can't help but write what I feel. Otherwise, it means nothing to me. So sometimes, my songs take a while. I once took a verse and chorus from seven years ago, and finished it. That song made grown men cry. Asshole, grown men. Thank you.
I am a little nervous with my songs. It's a big part of my whole "fear of music" bullshit. They are very personal to me, so I guess I feel like if someone doesn't like it, they don't like me. Silly, I know. Then, I worry that someone will be too intuitive and figure me out. This is no good! In the wrong hands... well, there's a reason they would be wrong. See, I'm an emotional gal, but I deal with it through music. It soothes and calms me. Heals me. *Pause for smile* BUT. This means the lyrics you hear are my silliest and deepest feelings that I wrote in a song in order to not torment other people with them. So you see my point.
And then, sometimes... I take inspiration from an outside perspective, and write about how I would feel in their position. This is very fun for me, because it's like acting through my music. And I am NO actress. Although I played a concubine in The King and I. Don't hate. For example, I have a song called Dare You To Love Me. I watched a movie called "Imagine Me & You" and fell. in. love. I recommend it to any girl! Guys, it's a romantic comedy. Hit or miss with you fellas. But it inspired me to write that song. For one thing, they say "dare you to love me" in the damn movie! But also, I was able to put my own feelings into it, and write what I consider a pretty good song. If I ever get my show together, you should come hear it!
Writing is therapeutic for me. It's why I do this blog. It's why I write songs. Sometimes, I just can't say what I really feel because it's too scary for me. So I write it. As I've said before, I'm a wuss. Don't make me repeat myself again.
When I do actually get to sit down and write, it is a very up and down process. Sometimes I can write a song, top to bottom, in a matter of maybe 5-10 minutes. This is always VERY exciting and usually my best material. Those "in the moment" moments make for pure, honest material while I'm still feeling whatever emotion took me there. On a very cool note, I once watched (well, a few times watched) a four-hour special on Tom Petty called Runnin' Down a Dream. What an amazing, amazing man. Well, he started talking about how he writes a song...and he says sometimes the songs just come to him, as if he didn't write it, but was the vessel for it. I turned to Chris with a smile on my face, because this is how I feel, but thought I was crazy! Sometimes I finish a song in one sitting, no stopping, constant writing...and at the end, I'm like "Where did that come from?" I feel like I blacked out. Nothing weird, calm down. It's just an amazing feeling when you feel like music is your tool, but you are its, also. I'm pretty sure I broke some kind of grammatical rule there. Hmm.
Sometimes, I sit and stew on something for a while. (Oh my gosh, I just heard La Cucaracha again! Ahhhh!!!) ..... Anyways. I'm okay. SO. Sometimes, I have to dwell on something a little more, usually because I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. My songs are pretty honest. In fact, my lyrics are made of the stuff I don't tell ya. Sometimes, if you know me well enough, you can pick things up and know what I'm talking about. BUT. A-ha! I mix it up a bit, add in feelings on other subjects, and what have you. I don't want to be too specific and not have anyone relate, but I can't help but write what I feel. Otherwise, it means nothing to me. So sometimes, my songs take a while. I once took a verse and chorus from seven years ago, and finished it. That song made grown men cry. Asshole, grown men. Thank you.
I am a little nervous with my songs. It's a big part of my whole "fear of music" bullshit. They are very personal to me, so I guess I feel like if someone doesn't like it, they don't like me. Silly, I know. Then, I worry that someone will be too intuitive and figure me out. This is no good! In the wrong hands... well, there's a reason they would be wrong. See, I'm an emotional gal, but I deal with it through music. It soothes and calms me. Heals me. *Pause for smile* BUT. This means the lyrics you hear are my silliest and deepest feelings that I wrote in a song in order to not torment other people with them. So you see my point.
And then, sometimes... I take inspiration from an outside perspective, and write about how I would feel in their position. This is very fun for me, because it's like acting through my music. And I am NO actress. Although I played a concubine in The King and I. Don't hate. For example, I have a song called Dare You To Love Me. I watched a movie called "Imagine Me & You" and fell. in. love. I recommend it to any girl! Guys, it's a romantic comedy. Hit or miss with you fellas. But it inspired me to write that song. For one thing, they say "dare you to love me" in the damn movie! But also, I was able to put my own feelings into it, and write what I consider a pretty good song. If I ever get my show together, you should come hear it!
Writing is therapeutic for me. It's why I do this blog. It's why I write songs. Sometimes, I just can't say what I really feel because it's too scary for me. So I write it. As I've said before, I'm a wuss. Don't make me repeat myself again.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Mathletes 3.14159
Sooo....I love math. Seriously. Like a lot. About as much as I love music. In fact, I once tried to put pi to music...I printed the first 10,000 digits (a little ambitious, I realize) and assigned a note on my piano to each digit...needless to say...so I won't. I also once stole a math book from my teacher in elementary school. I took it for the summer, did all of the problems in it, then came back the following year in tears for having done such a thing! That wasn't the first time a teacher laughed at me.
I not only LOVE math, but I'm pretty damn good at it! I took algebra by 7th grade, and calculus by 12th...which is where it finally got hard. Where did all the damn numbers go??? HA! Oh snap...when I was in Advanced Math Analysis, this popular guy came into the class who was "soooo hott" and blah blah blah. Well, that idiot took one look at the board (covered in problems regarding finding 'x') and said, "I thought this was math class. Where are the numbers?" Laughter erupted, showing you what being popular in high school does for you. Loser.
My point? Well, today my step-mom called me asking for help regarding my 11 year-old sister's math homework. After attempts to explain it over the phone, I ended up writing out a fully detailed description of what she needed to do to explain it to Izzy (my sis) step by step, reasons why, and even references to websites explaining specific formulas and whatnot. I was so proud of the email, I reread it multiple times! Then I realized..."holy canoli, I have this skill that most people don't have, are in desperate need of, and will pay for"....ummm lightbulb! So, I now start my tutoring career. I used to tutor in high school (a requirement of calculus class) and LOVED every minute of it! So, I posted my ad on craigslist, and am currently accepting new students at $25/hour (negotiable, but I know I deserve at least that for now- I'm good at what I do). I am so excited to start making money, meeting new people, and helping them with something I thoroughly enjoy! Know an idiot? Send 'em my way! They'll be doing your taxes in no time!
Link to my craigslist ad: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/lss/2319657824.html
I not only LOVE math, but I'm pretty damn good at it! I took algebra by 7th grade, and calculus by 12th...which is where it finally got hard. Where did all the damn numbers go??? HA! Oh snap...when I was in Advanced Math Analysis, this popular guy came into the class who was "soooo hott" and blah blah blah. Well, that idiot took one look at the board (covered in problems regarding finding 'x') and said, "I thought this was math class. Where are the numbers?" Laughter erupted, showing you what being popular in high school does for you. Loser.
My point? Well, today my step-mom called me asking for help regarding my 11 year-old sister's math homework. After attempts to explain it over the phone, I ended up writing out a fully detailed description of what she needed to do to explain it to Izzy (my sis) step by step, reasons why, and even references to websites explaining specific formulas and whatnot. I was so proud of the email, I reread it multiple times! Then I realized..."holy canoli, I have this skill that most people don't have, are in desperate need of, and will pay for"....ummm lightbulb! So, I now start my tutoring career. I used to tutor in high school (a requirement of calculus class) and LOVED every minute of it! So, I posted my ad on craigslist, and am currently accepting new students at $25/hour (negotiable, but I know I deserve at least that for now- I'm good at what I do). I am so excited to start making money, meeting new people, and helping them with something I thoroughly enjoy! Know an idiot? Send 'em my way! They'll be doing your taxes in no time!
Link to my craigslist ad: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/lss/2319657824.html
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Tag 'Em and Bag 'Em!
Dear big ol' heart of mine, I think it's time you took a vacation. You want things you can't have/don't need right now, and it's really starting to piss me of-f-fah!
The heart wants what the heart wants...but what happens when it wants something you can't have? What if you meet the man of your dreams, but you're not the girl of his? Or vice versa? An aching heart is a heavy burden I do NOT enjoy bearing. It's pure insanity to me that so many people can think you're amazing and love you to death, but one person can ruin your entire perspective just by turning you down... The problem is, it's usually the one person you want. Lame.
I always feel bad about turning someone down, because I know how it feels on the other end. It's good for me, though- because it reminds me that that (<---how do you avoid that?) does not mean the person hates you, or anything ridiculously dramatic that my female mind tries to tell me, but that...he's just not that into you. I have felt this stab of defeat before, and it sucks, but it heals. I just hate seeing my friends go through it. Why do we let people make us feel this way? Why do we allow them to have this pull on our hearts? It's a waste of time, and for me, especially right now. It's ME time.
Living with Daniel L. was the smartest thing I ever did down here. Not having a relationship with my father, he became my LA father. A figure of authority and friendship that I cherish to this day. While staying there, I spent many a day and night on that rooftop...observing Mid-Wilshire in LA, seeing the H and O of the Hollywood sign and reminding myself why I'm here, playing guitar and writing, writing, writing. And thinking. A. LOT. I really "found myself" up there, as cliche as that is to say. But I did. Whenever I go visit him, I go up to that rooftop, light up a cigarette, and refresh my sense of being. It's soothing to my soul. It strengthens my sensitive, emotional misgivings... I will always think of that place every day of my life.
I bring that up because I think it's time for a visit to the ol' construction site. Due to recent events in my life, a few pieces of me are in need of repair, and I'm slowly mending the pieces back into their rightful positions. My focus is shifted, and I need to get back on track. Focus on the goals I set out in a previous post, cherish the amazing friends I've made over the last year, and live my life. Be me. Flourish. So I'm taking out the trash. Any and all bullshit that has no place on my mind- gone. Lay to rest the wastes of time, we're loading up the hearse and picking out our best in black. The show must go on, and these tickets were expensive!
The heart wants what the heart wants...but what happens when it wants something you can't have? What if you meet the man of your dreams, but you're not the girl of his? Or vice versa? An aching heart is a heavy burden I do NOT enjoy bearing. It's pure insanity to me that so many people can think you're amazing and love you to death, but one person can ruin your entire perspective just by turning you down... The problem is, it's usually the one person you want. Lame.
I always feel bad about turning someone down, because I know how it feels on the other end. It's good for me, though- because it reminds me that that (<---how do you avoid that?) does not mean the person hates you, or anything ridiculously dramatic that my female mind tries to tell me, but that...he's just not that into you. I have felt this stab of defeat before, and it sucks, but it heals. I just hate seeing my friends go through it. Why do we let people make us feel this way? Why do we allow them to have this pull on our hearts? It's a waste of time, and for me, especially right now. It's ME time.
Living with Daniel L. was the smartest thing I ever did down here. Not having a relationship with my father, he became my LA father. A figure of authority and friendship that I cherish to this day. While staying there, I spent many a day and night on that rooftop...observing Mid-Wilshire in LA, seeing the H and O of the Hollywood sign and reminding myself why I'm here, playing guitar and writing, writing, writing. And thinking. A. LOT. I really "found myself" up there, as cliche as that is to say. But I did. Whenever I go visit him, I go up to that rooftop, light up a cigarette, and refresh my sense of being. It's soothing to my soul. It strengthens my sensitive, emotional misgivings... I will always think of that place every day of my life.
I bring that up because I think it's time for a visit to the ol' construction site. Due to recent events in my life, a few pieces of me are in need of repair, and I'm slowly mending the pieces back into their rightful positions. My focus is shifted, and I need to get back on track. Focus on the goals I set out in a previous post, cherish the amazing friends I've made over the last year, and live my life. Be me. Flourish. So I'm taking out the trash. Any and all bullshit that has no place on my mind- gone. Lay to rest the wastes of time, we're loading up the hearse and picking out our best in black. The show must go on, and these tickets were expensive!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Just An Update...
So, I apparently need to go to bed because I thought I worked at 2pm tomorrow, but work at 4...AM...instead...Ay yi yi...
So just a quick update...I told you I came home and smoked 2 cigarettes the other night...wellllll that turned into SEVEN! The next day, I didn't take my cigarettes to work with me but smoked the rest of that pack (plus 2 from my ying, Lino, at work) totalling 6....whoops, was I supposed to be quitting???
So, not off to the best start, but definitely an improvement...I recently have been smoking about a pack a day (reality check...that's TWENTY cigarettes a day)...so I am at least cutting down, as I said I would. Today, I smoked 2 at work, then bought a pack (oh hush!) and smoked 6 out of there...totalling 8 today. I'm trying, folks. Give me a break.
So, I've gotta go to bed now, but I promise to cut back more tomorrow...although, I am working at that new store, Triangle, for the first time...sooooo I'm taking the pack with me. Shut up. I do what I want.
So just a quick update...I told you I came home and smoked 2 cigarettes the other night...wellllll that turned into SEVEN! The next day, I didn't take my cigarettes to work with me but smoked the rest of that pack (plus 2 from my ying, Lino, at work) totalling 6....whoops, was I supposed to be quitting???
So, not off to the best start, but definitely an improvement...I recently have been smoking about a pack a day (reality check...that's TWENTY cigarettes a day)...so I am at least cutting down, as I said I would. Today, I smoked 2 at work, then bought a pack (oh hush!) and smoked 6 out of there...totalling 8 today. I'm trying, folks. Give me a break.
So, I've gotta go to bed now, but I promise to cut back more tomorrow...although, I am working at that new store, Triangle, for the first time...sooooo I'm taking the pack with me. Shut up. I do what I want.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Frankie Say RELAX
You're laying on the beach, the rays of the sun warming the cold bitterness of life. A cool breeze caresses your face, while your hair dances melodically to the rhythm of the wind. You open your eyes...the view of the endless sea calms you. Are you relaxed? I sure am.
Among a plethera of problems, I have high anxiety. It causes me to miss out on what some call "fun" activities, such as rollercoasters and bungee jumping. If you follow my blog, you know my feelings on these... adventures. My adventures involve staying on the ground level. It's probably why I have such a vivid imagination...I have to pretend I'm risking my life without actually doing it. And I'm totally okay with that.
Anxiety. Bleck. No fun. I have only ever had one anxiety attack, and it was n-o fun. One of the things I took from my relationship with Chris was learning how to relax. I'm very thankful to him for this. I still worry too much, but imagine how I used to be! Yikes.
Life sucks. Everyone knows it, but everyone continues to dwell on it. Myself included. I'm not perfect by any means. But I feel like I've acquired a better grip on letting things go when I really just need to...let things go. I can't do it with everything (oh-ho yes, we will get into that in a bit), but I try. Bad things happen to me all the time, but they happen to everyone else, too. And it seems like the better of a person you are, the shorter the end of the stick becomes. I see this happening to a couple of my friends right now, so I try to help where I can. Believe me, I know the feeling. And it sucks when you receive some sort of retaliation because you're too involved. You can only push people so far before they push back. And that's fine. I can take it. Just be there when I do it.
So how do I deal with the bullshit of another day? I write. I have so many songs that...ha!...man, if I could tell you what they're actually about. Very, very, VERY few of you know...okay, probably just Jamie. Anyways, everything I feel inside about what's actually bothering me goes into a song. Have you noticed I have a lot of *love songs? Well, that's probably not a shock to you, given you've read my previous posts. I love love! All you need is love! Bum buh-dadada! Boy, I love to get off topic! Anyways, I used to have a serious problem with depression. It was many years ago, and thankfully the magic of music and the beauty of written word saved my life. Seriously. Writing music, listening to music, experiencing music...it's all very special to me. It's probably also part of why I have a hard time sharing it with other people. It's too personal. But it's how I deal...how I, how does Frankie say, relaaax? (Oh my gosh, she said the title!)
Letting life get to you is a very dangerous thing. A very intelligent man once told another intelligent man who used to drive me crazy telling me that life is all about choices. You can wake up and choose to be happy, or you can choose to be miserable. Well that curly-haired craphead was right. I woke up one morning and decided I was going to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, smile, and start my day right. I sometimes pep-talked myself...another seriously. It seems silly, but it worked. Soon I woke up already smiling. Now, I face about 300 great days a year, 40 okay days a year, and 25 bad ones. Not too bad if you ask me. Especially since I'm not rollin' in dough, rollin' in a relationship, or rollin' in a record deal. In fact, quite the opposite. But that's okay. Sometimes I just have to sit back, put things in perspective, and relax. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Accept what I cannot change. Let it be. And sometimes, that just doesn't fucking happen...
Sometimes, Shaneil obsesses. I've also mentioned this before. Sort of. Sometimes, things get to me in a way that slowly spreads throughout my body and leaves me feeling like poop. Big, stinky, poop. Then the anxiety hits. Then I have one of those 25 bad days. The worst part of those days? It usually affects the ones you care about the most. Or the ones who care about you the most. I always try to apologize to these people. It sucks when life gets in the way of love. Someone always gets hurt. So, when someone does it to me, I try to not take it personally- another way of relaxing. I try to not take it personally...tryyyyyyy...for those of you who know better! Shhh!!!
I guess my point is, find your outlet. It won't always work- some things are just meant to fuck up your day. And for those days, I'm here for ya man! Or wo-man! Or hu-man! Whatever you are...what the who are you?
*PS- My lyrics are posted in 'my notes' on facebook.
Among a plethera of problems, I have high anxiety. It causes me to miss out on what some call "fun" activities, such as rollercoasters and bungee jumping. If you follow my blog, you know my feelings on these... adventures. My adventures involve staying on the ground level. It's probably why I have such a vivid imagination...I have to pretend I'm risking my life without actually doing it. And I'm totally okay with that.
Anxiety. Bleck. No fun. I have only ever had one anxiety attack, and it was n-o fun. One of the things I took from my relationship with Chris was learning how to relax. I'm very thankful to him for this. I still worry too much, but imagine how I used to be! Yikes.
Life sucks. Everyone knows it, but everyone continues to dwell on it. Myself included. I'm not perfect by any means. But I feel like I've acquired a better grip on letting things go when I really just need to...let things go. I can't do it with everything (oh-ho yes, we will get into that in a bit), but I try. Bad things happen to me all the time, but they happen to everyone else, too. And it seems like the better of a person you are, the shorter the end of the stick becomes. I see this happening to a couple of my friends right now, so I try to help where I can. Believe me, I know the feeling. And it sucks when you receive some sort of retaliation because you're too involved. You can only push people so far before they push back. And that's fine. I can take it. Just be there when I do it.
So how do I deal with the bullshit of another day? I write. I have so many songs that...ha!...man, if I could tell you what they're actually about. Very, very, VERY few of you know...okay, probably just Jamie. Anyways, everything I feel inside about what's actually bothering me goes into a song. Have you noticed I have a lot of *love songs? Well, that's probably not a shock to you, given you've read my previous posts. I love love! All you need is love! Bum buh-dadada! Boy, I love to get off topic! Anyways, I used to have a serious problem with depression. It was many years ago, and thankfully the magic of music and the beauty of written word saved my life. Seriously. Writing music, listening to music, experiencing music...it's all very special to me. It's probably also part of why I have a hard time sharing it with other people. It's too personal. But it's how I deal...how I, how does Frankie say, relaaax? (Oh my gosh, she said the title!)
Letting life get to you is a very dangerous thing. A very intelligent man once told another intelligent man who used to drive me crazy telling me that life is all about choices. You can wake up and choose to be happy, or you can choose to be miserable. Well that curly-haired craphead was right. I woke up one morning and decided I was going to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, smile, and start my day right. I sometimes pep-talked myself...another seriously. It seems silly, but it worked. Soon I woke up already smiling. Now, I face about 300 great days a year, 40 okay days a year, and 25 bad ones. Not too bad if you ask me. Especially since I'm not rollin' in dough, rollin' in a relationship, or rollin' in a record deal. In fact, quite the opposite. But that's okay. Sometimes I just have to sit back, put things in perspective, and relax. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Accept what I cannot change. Let it be. And sometimes, that just doesn't fucking happen...
Sometimes, Shaneil obsesses. I've also mentioned this before. Sort of. Sometimes, things get to me in a way that slowly spreads throughout my body and leaves me feeling like poop. Big, stinky, poop. Then the anxiety hits. Then I have one of those 25 bad days. The worst part of those days? It usually affects the ones you care about the most. Or the ones who care about you the most. I always try to apologize to these people. It sucks when life gets in the way of love. Someone always gets hurt. So, when someone does it to me, I try to not take it personally- another way of relaxing. I try to not take it personally...tryyyyyyy...for those of you who know better! Shhh!!!
I guess my point is, find your outlet. It won't always work- some things are just meant to fuck up your day. And for those days, I'm here for ya man! Or wo-man! Or hu-man! Whatever you are...what the who are you?
*PS- My lyrics are posted in 'my notes' on facebook.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
GOALS! ...Yeah, All I Really Want is GOALS!
Okay, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself- it's time to move on and move forward and move up and... just move. My ass. NOW.
I have already broached the subject of smoking...which, ugghhhh, here's the update since yesterday: I bought another pack. Fuckin' sue me. I smoked almost half of it last night, too! What of it? I'm weak...I was trying to get it out of my system so I could wake up this morning and gag at the thought of a cigarette. Well, it worked! I didn't take the pack with me, and didn't smoke ALL DAY at work! And now......I've smoked two since I got home. I'm sorry! I'm not ready to quit cold turkey- BUT- I am cutting down big time. I'm no longer taking cigarettes to work, and I'm gonna try to only have 1-2 a day, at most. So that's something. I'll include an update on this one at the bottom of every post. That way, I have motivation to not smoke and have everyone (or the two of you) be proud of me :)
Next on the list... HEALTH. I need to get myself in shape and healthy. I have already taken steps towards this, which I am extremely proud of! I can't believe I'm about to admit this...buuuut my heaviest was 180...okay 185. Now, I'm around 125- yesss!!! That took eating smaller portions and walking as much as possible. Now, I'm working on eating healthier. I've been eating a banana or oatmeal at work, along with orange juice. So yay for vitamins! But with my recent break-up and loneliness and mild depression, I haven't been eating much lately...so I need to get myself on a steady schedule of at least three meals a day, somewhat healthy meals. And I want to join a gym, just need a gym buddy! Gyms make me nervous; don't know why, but need someone there with me so I can relax and exercise my hot body into an even hotter one!
Vehicle: With my roomie gone this week, I have had her car at my disposal and have been LOVING it! I want a car again...nothing fancy, just a point A to point B kind of car. Something to get me out of this effing apartment and out into the world as often as possible. I hate...greatly dislike...being cooped up in my apartment. I need air. I need to see other buildings. It doesn't mean I don't love you, apartment. Time apart is healthy. Promise.
Rolling with that goal...FINANCES...dun Dun DUN!!! Ohhh boy, this is a big one! I have so many things I need to take care of financially, and I really want to start working on paying it all off and possibly creating a decent credit score. I have many debts, and many things in queue that require a somewhat large chunk of change. I need to get my teeth fixed, my dogs to the vet, a car (see previous goal), among other things I can't think of right now...so it's time to start a budget! Budget, pay bills on time, sign up for payment plans with bill collectors, start taking care of my teeth a little at a time, etc...can't wait for that promotion!
Alrighty, here's the biggie! Muuuuusic... I have GOT to get over this insane fear I have of pursuing my music...it goes wayyyy deeper than you could imagine. I can barely play for my damn friends! People who have heard me a hundred times, I still get ridiculously nervous and start diminishing whatever I'm about to play/sing. It's not an attractive quality. It's plain annoying. And the weirdest part? I really love my songs! I'm proud of them, and think I have something here...but shit, what if no one agrees? What if I look stupid? What if people say, "what was she thinking??" ????......WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE?! Right?!
SO, I have analyzed and picked apart this fear of mine...and I know a couple of things I need to do. I need lessons. I need a vocal coach, and I need private guitar lessons. It seems like the only way I can stay focused and learn consistently. The nice thing is, I'm a quick learner. So the lessons will be even more beneficial for me than the average Joe...sephine? Either way, I need to get down to business! It's business time!!! (Name THAT reference!!) The vocal coach can wait until I'm a little more financially stable...I have ways of working on that on my own. But I definitely want a guitar teacher...and if someone would take me, I've already found my teacher! Too bad he won't read this. I'll have to stalk him later. Sorry, stake him. Okay, inside joke. Sorry.
I also need to start going to open mics. One step towards this goal: I have scoured the internet for any and all open mics that appeal to me, and have their locations and schedules saved. So, one step towards this goal? CHECK! Now to show up...who's with me???
I think that's a good starting point. I have a list of very important priorities here, and the best part?? They all link up towards my ultimate goal: A better me. I need to be happy with me, just me. I need to stop thinking about love, and when I'll find it again. I'm a good person, I have great qualities, and I love unconditionally. Love should be lining up at my doorstep! But it's not...and I have to relax and accept that...and then love will find me. And we'll live happily ever after...and our love children will frolic in the gardens of the happiness we've built on our candy-coated mountain of puppy dog tails and rain-fuckin-bows... Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth,too.
I have already broached the subject of smoking...which, ugghhhh, here's the update since yesterday: I bought another pack. Fuckin' sue me. I smoked almost half of it last night, too! What of it? I'm weak...I was trying to get it out of my system so I could wake up this morning and gag at the thought of a cigarette. Well, it worked! I didn't take the pack with me, and didn't smoke ALL DAY at work! And now......I've smoked two since I got home. I'm sorry! I'm not ready to quit cold turkey- BUT- I am cutting down big time. I'm no longer taking cigarettes to work, and I'm gonna try to only have 1-2 a day, at most. So that's something. I'll include an update on this one at the bottom of every post. That way, I have motivation to not smoke and have everyone (or the two of you) be proud of me :)
Next on the list... HEALTH. I need to get myself in shape and healthy. I have already taken steps towards this, which I am extremely proud of! I can't believe I'm about to admit this...buuuut my heaviest was 180...okay 185. Now, I'm around 125- yesss!!! That took eating smaller portions and walking as much as possible. Now, I'm working on eating healthier. I've been eating a banana or oatmeal at work, along with orange juice. So yay for vitamins! But with my recent break-up and loneliness and mild depression, I haven't been eating much lately...so I need to get myself on a steady schedule of at least three meals a day, somewhat healthy meals. And I want to join a gym, just need a gym buddy! Gyms make me nervous; don't know why, but need someone there with me so I can relax and exercise my hot body into an even hotter one!
Vehicle: With my roomie gone this week, I have had her car at my disposal and have been LOVING it! I want a car again...nothing fancy, just a point A to point B kind of car. Something to get me out of this effing apartment and out into the world as often as possible. I hate...greatly dislike...being cooped up in my apartment. I need air. I need to see other buildings. It doesn't mean I don't love you, apartment. Time apart is healthy. Promise.
Rolling with that goal...FINANCES...dun Dun DUN!!! Ohhh boy, this is a big one! I have so many things I need to take care of financially, and I really want to start working on paying it all off and possibly creating a decent credit score. I have many debts, and many things in queue that require a somewhat large chunk of change. I need to get my teeth fixed, my dogs to the vet, a car (see previous goal), among other things I can't think of right now...so it's time to start a budget! Budget, pay bills on time, sign up for payment plans with bill collectors, start taking care of my teeth a little at a time, etc...can't wait for that promotion!
Alrighty, here's the biggie! Muuuuusic... I have GOT to get over this insane fear I have of pursuing my music...it goes wayyyy deeper than you could imagine. I can barely play for my damn friends! People who have heard me a hundred times, I still get ridiculously nervous and start diminishing whatever I'm about to play/sing. It's not an attractive quality. It's plain annoying. And the weirdest part? I really love my songs! I'm proud of them, and think I have something here...but shit, what if no one agrees? What if I look stupid? What if people say, "what was she thinking??" ????......WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE?! Right?!
SO, I have analyzed and picked apart this fear of mine...and I know a couple of things I need to do. I need lessons. I need a vocal coach, and I need private guitar lessons. It seems like the only way I can stay focused and learn consistently. The nice thing is, I'm a quick learner. So the lessons will be even more beneficial for me than the average Joe...sephine? Either way, I need to get down to business! It's business time!!! (Name THAT reference!!) The vocal coach can wait until I'm a little more financially stable...I have ways of working on that on my own. But I definitely want a guitar teacher...and if someone would take me, I've already found my teacher! Too bad he won't read this. I'll have to stalk him later. Sorry, stake him. Okay, inside joke. Sorry.
I also need to start going to open mics. One step towards this goal: I have scoured the internet for any and all open mics that appeal to me, and have their locations and schedules saved. So, one step towards this goal? CHECK! Now to show up...who's with me???
I think that's a good starting point. I have a list of very important priorities here, and the best part?? They all link up towards my ultimate goal: A better me. I need to be happy with me, just me. I need to stop thinking about love, and when I'll find it again. I'm a good person, I have great qualities, and I love unconditionally. Love should be lining up at my doorstep! But it's not...and I have to relax and accept that...and then love will find me. And we'll live happily ever after...and our love children will frolic in the gardens of the happiness we've built on our candy-coated mountain of puppy dog tails and rain-fuckin-bows... Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth,too.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Hey There, Lonely Girl
Per one of my previous posts, Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles, I talked about not hating anything...and I don't. BUT. If I had to choose the thing I greatly dislike the most, it would be loneliness. What a terrible, terrible feeling. When faced with loneliness, I get a knot in the pit of my stomach...this awful, anxious feeling that never goes away. It's like loneliness walked up to me and punched me in the stomach. Ass. Doesn't he have anything better to do???
I usually write once a day, but this is bothering me so much, I can't help but write about it. No, bitch about it. I'm pissed off. I hate feeling this way. I'm perfectly capable of happiness, but I just greatly dislike being alone. I admit it. It sucks. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. Did I say...? Oh, you know.
I'm really not looking for anything serious, but man I miss being held. What a nice feeling to have a warm body next to you and just feel safe. What a woman thing to say. Sheesh! But it is nice. That's all I want. And I don't mean my two smelly little boys (whom I love love love)...but maybe one big smelly one? Haha! Seriously. Taking applications. Like right now.
I know being alone is a good thing for me, and I plan to take full advantage of it. But I need a spooning booty call. Okay, that's silly. A regular booty call? I don't know. I've been down that road before. It takes a special guy. *Sigh* Lonely, lonely, lonely. Stupid emotion. Tricks are for kids.
This is a weird entry for me- a lot rattling around this here noggin'. I just love having that connection with someone who allows me to make out with them after a long night of drinking- is that so much to ask? Haha...wait, is that a boyfriend? Okay, no- a friend with benefits? Have I become this person? I haven't been this person since I was 20! Oh boy, Shaneil's single in her 20's...look out world!
Okay Mr. world, I'm going to bed. Another day awaits me, and I plan to attack it full force. Screw you loneliness, there's only room enough for one of us, and your fly is down! HA! Gotcha.
I usually write once a day, but this is bothering me so much, I can't help but write about it. No, bitch about it. I'm pissed off. I hate feeling this way. I'm perfectly capable of happiness, but I just greatly dislike being alone. I admit it. It sucks. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. Did I say...? Oh, you know.
I'm really not looking for anything serious, but man I miss being held. What a nice feeling to have a warm body next to you and just feel safe. What a woman thing to say. Sheesh! But it is nice. That's all I want. And I don't mean my two smelly little boys (whom I love love love)...but maybe one big smelly one? Haha! Seriously. Taking applications. Like right now.
I know being alone is a good thing for me, and I plan to take full advantage of it. But I need a spooning booty call. Okay, that's silly. A regular booty call? I don't know. I've been down that road before. It takes a special guy. *Sigh* Lonely, lonely, lonely. Stupid emotion. Tricks are for kids.
This is a weird entry for me- a lot rattling around this here noggin'. I just love having that connection with someone who allows me to make out with them after a long night of drinking- is that so much to ask? Haha...wait, is that a boyfriend? Okay, no- a friend with benefits? Have I become this person? I haven't been this person since I was 20! Oh boy, Shaneil's single in her 20's...look out world!
Okay Mr. world, I'm going to bed. Another day awaits me, and I plan to attack it full force. Screw you loneliness, there's only room enough for one of us, and your fly is down! HA! Gotcha.
Smoke Stacks
Oh me...me, me, me.
Me and my addictive personality...
So, I just got home from hangin' with the boys, and my buddy Nick informs us it's been a week since his last cigarette! High-fives ensued, the night went on, and I probably smoked 10 cigarettes. Ay yi yi...
Hello, my name is Shaneil, and I am an addict. Among other things, smoking cigarettes is my addiction. I have been smoking since I was almost 18, sooo...holy moly almost EIGHT years. This is NO GOOD! That's a long time, AND I'm getting old! Uggghhhh...
How It Started: So my old friend, Nikki, and I were hanging outside of our work (Taco Bell) per our usual routine of preparing for a night out. She is a smoker, yet I had never been. For whatever reason, I asked her for one so I could "try it". Famous last words, my friends! She started teasing me because I wasn't inhaling properly...or at all. Well, I finished that bad boy and while she continued talking to a friend of ours, I proceeded to steal THREE more cigarettes from her and "practice", hidden behind her car. I never turn down a challenge! And I've never stopped smoking.
I want to quit, no I need to quit...I don't particularly want to. I know that seems weird, but I like smoking. It comes with the territory. But as a singer...that alone should be my motivation to quit! Yet I enjoy it...and until I don't enjoy it anymore, I struggle with quitting. I feel like I'm getting close, though. I have been smoking much more lately, due to loneliness and boredom, so I'm trying to fill my plate with activities and such to take up my free time. I'm in major preparation for my promotion, so that helps. And I try to go out with friends whenever possible, catch a show or just go for a drive (although I always enjoy smoking in the car...shit!). I'm also trying to throw myself back into music. I have recently made a lot of musician friends, and hanging with them always motivates me to come home and practice, practice, practice! (That's why I blow you up, Nick! :D) They are all so talented and dedicated, and I try to ride that wave all the way home and apply it to my own practice time.
I'm starting to feel the physical repercussions of it, also. I don't enjoy running out of breath every time I climb the stairs to my apartment while talking at the same time. I can't even multitask anymore??? What kind of shit is that? I get weird pains in my chest all the time, and I wake up with sore throats. And I wonder why my voice isn't what it used to be. Siiiiiiiigh.
I'm not really keen on spending $60 for a pack of nicorette gum, but I think I'm going to try regular gum and find other ways to keep my mouth busy (oh hush perverts!). I know a big part of it is the simple act of smoking, keeping my hands and mouth busy (geez, no way to make this not sound dirty). So as I stare down at my current pack of smokes, with only 2 left...I wonder, should I start now? I am broke after all, so maybe just...not buy a new pack? This is scary...but I think I can do it. I know I can. Just don't want to. Fuck. I'm going in, cover me!
Me and my addictive personality...
So, I just got home from hangin' with the boys, and my buddy Nick informs us it's been a week since his last cigarette! High-fives ensued, the night went on, and I probably smoked 10 cigarettes. Ay yi yi...
Hello, my name is Shaneil, and I am an addict. Among other things, smoking cigarettes is my addiction. I have been smoking since I was almost 18, sooo...holy moly almost EIGHT years. This is NO GOOD! That's a long time, AND I'm getting old! Uggghhhh...
How It Started: So my old friend, Nikki, and I were hanging outside of our work (Taco Bell) per our usual routine of preparing for a night out. She is a smoker, yet I had never been. For whatever reason, I asked her for one so I could "try it". Famous last words, my friends! She started teasing me because I wasn't inhaling properly...or at all. Well, I finished that bad boy and while she continued talking to a friend of ours, I proceeded to steal THREE more cigarettes from her and "practice", hidden behind her car. I never turn down a challenge! And I've never stopped smoking.
I want to quit, no I need to quit...I don't particularly want to. I know that seems weird, but I like smoking. It comes with the territory. But as a singer...that alone should be my motivation to quit! Yet I enjoy it...and until I don't enjoy it anymore, I struggle with quitting. I feel like I'm getting close, though. I have been smoking much more lately, due to loneliness and boredom, so I'm trying to fill my plate with activities and such to take up my free time. I'm in major preparation for my promotion, so that helps. And I try to go out with friends whenever possible, catch a show or just go for a drive (although I always enjoy smoking in the car...shit!). I'm also trying to throw myself back into music. I have recently made a lot of musician friends, and hanging with them always motivates me to come home and practice, practice, practice! (That's why I blow you up, Nick! :D) They are all so talented and dedicated, and I try to ride that wave all the way home and apply it to my own practice time.
I'm starting to feel the physical repercussions of it, also. I don't enjoy running out of breath every time I climb the stairs to my apartment while talking at the same time. I can't even multitask anymore??? What kind of shit is that? I get weird pains in my chest all the time, and I wake up with sore throats. And I wonder why my voice isn't what it used to be. Siiiiiiiigh.
I'm not really keen on spending $60 for a pack of nicorette gum, but I think I'm going to try regular gum and find other ways to keep my mouth busy (oh hush perverts!). I know a big part of it is the simple act of smoking, keeping my hands and mouth busy (geez, no way to make this not sound dirty). So as I stare down at my current pack of smokes, with only 2 left...I wonder, should I start now? I am broke after all, so maybe just...not buy a new pack? This is scary...but I think I can do it. I know I can. Just don't want to. Fuck. I'm going in, cover me!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Starbucks...My Second Home
Keeping this one short, you can thank me later!
For those of you who don't know, I have been working for Starbucks since January of 2010 (and also 7 months a couple of years back...but that's another story). I currently work at Pico and Robertson, just outside of Beverly Hills, but in the Beverly Hills district none the less. I...LOVE this store- the customers, the store, the manager and alllll of my delightful coworkers. They are literally a second family to me, and I feel more at home there than my own home sometimes. I found out today that I am leaving the store in two weeks (April 18th) to begin a new adventure at Santa Monica and Wilshire, the dreaded "Triangle". Labeled the toughest store in the district, it is home to many rushes, many celebrities, and many visits from our beloved CEO, Howard Schultz. I am transferring there to get what is called "second-store experience" on my journey to assistant manager and eventually, store manager.
"Why do I care?" you ask? No ranting or raving on this post, just wanted to have in writing how much I will miss this place, and love my peeps. This is for my Starbuckians, or as Chris used to call it, those who are "Starbuckanese".
So, to Vada, Celia, Lino, Mario, Tim, Stephanie, Vanessa, Dan, Dani, Keyjuana, Lindsey, our newbie Francis (who I already love) and of COURSE, Veronica...you guys mean more to me than I could ever explain. You are my family, and I love all of you and appreciate all the love, respect and support you have shown me during my time there. You will never be forgotten. Know that you guys have been a part of my life during a lot of personal struggles, be it with music, my relationship, financial drama or me just finding...me. I am excited to start this new journey, but saddened to be leaving such a wonderful, wonderful place with amazing people and connections.
To my customers...Ira, Phoenix, Bill, Brian and Charles (my trouble-makers! And can't forget Hank!), Walt, D, Dave, Rachel, Steph, Lee, Michael, Johnathon, Alan, Barbara, Walter, Wolfe, Isaac (ohhhh how I miss you), Lauren, Melissa, Jordan (and Scrappy :D), Cesar, Avi, Laura, etc etc...I could literally go on and on...Some of you I see in passing. Some of you I smile just because you came in today. Some of you have become connections for my music. And some of you have become close, personal friends. I could never have better customers, no- a better family, a home away from home. I will miss you all and be in to visit- cuz I know when you show up!!! Your love and support and constant compliments and mentoring have shaped me into a strong barista, leader and person. So thank you!!!
I am looking towards the future with high hopes. This is very bittersweet for me, but I know I will succeed and do well at Triangle. I can't wait to show everyone what I've got and continue to move forward with the company. Unless of course, I get a record deal. We all know it's Starbucks or music for me! Sooo...no hard feelings Howard ;)
For those of you who don't know, I have been working for Starbucks since January of 2010 (and also 7 months a couple of years back...but that's another story). I currently work at Pico and Robertson, just outside of Beverly Hills, but in the Beverly Hills district none the less. I...LOVE this store- the customers, the store, the manager and alllll of my delightful coworkers. They are literally a second family to me, and I feel more at home there than my own home sometimes. I found out today that I am leaving the store in two weeks (April 18th) to begin a new adventure at Santa Monica and Wilshire, the dreaded "Triangle". Labeled the toughest store in the district, it is home to many rushes, many celebrities, and many visits from our beloved CEO, Howard Schultz. I am transferring there to get what is called "second-store experience" on my journey to assistant manager and eventually, store manager.
"Why do I care?" you ask? No ranting or raving on this post, just wanted to have in writing how much I will miss this place, and love my peeps. This is for my Starbuckians, or as Chris used to call it, those who are "Starbuckanese".
So, to Vada, Celia, Lino, Mario, Tim, Stephanie, Vanessa, Dan, Dani, Keyjuana, Lindsey, our newbie Francis (who I already love) and of COURSE, Veronica...you guys mean more to me than I could ever explain. You are my family, and I love all of you and appreciate all the love, respect and support you have shown me during my time there. You will never be forgotten. Know that you guys have been a part of my life during a lot of personal struggles, be it with music, my relationship, financial drama or me just finding...me. I am excited to start this new journey, but saddened to be leaving such a wonderful, wonderful place with amazing people and connections.
To my customers...Ira, Phoenix, Bill, Brian and Charles (my trouble-makers! And can't forget Hank!), Walt, D, Dave, Rachel, Steph, Lee, Michael, Johnathon, Alan, Barbara, Walter, Wolfe, Isaac (ohhhh how I miss you), Lauren, Melissa, Jordan (and Scrappy :D), Cesar, Avi, Laura, etc etc...I could literally go on and on...Some of you I see in passing. Some of you I smile just because you came in today. Some of you have become connections for my music. And some of you have become close, personal friends. I could never have better customers, no- a better family, a home away from home. I will miss you all and be in to visit- cuz I know when you show up!!! Your love and support and constant compliments and mentoring have shaped me into a strong barista, leader and person. So thank you!!!
I am looking towards the future with high hopes. This is very bittersweet for me, but I know I will succeed and do well at Triangle. I can't wait to show everyone what I've got and continue to move forward with the company. Unless of course, I get a record deal. We all know it's Starbucks or music for me! Sooo...no hard feelings Howard ;)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles
Since I am such a yapper, I've decided to make each post have a "theme" if you will...today's theme, class, is fear and loathing...in Los Angeles...obviously.
Fear is a big issue of mine. I have many fears, including but not limited to: most heights, small spaces (claustrophobia), falling, natural disasters, anything that can fly and sting me, pursuing my music career and never finding true love- love I feel I deserve. All of these things affect my daily life. I don't do rollercoasters (sorry!), I will NEVER skydive, bungee jump or any of those idiotic things...I will never move somewhere known for having tornados or hurricanes (no thanks!), I freak out if a bee comes within 10 feet of me, I constantly downplay my musical talent and ability, and I act slightly insane when the chance at finding someone I feel is perfect for me shows his face...
So why do I fear these things? Why do we fear anything? Well, the first few are obvious...ie. I don't wanna DIE any time soon! But okay...my music. I love music sooo much. I breath music, I hear music everywhere, I see it everywhere, I find it in the most mundane things (I work at Starbucks and sing EVERYTHING...people's change, their drinks, what I'm prepping for the day...) but I can't seem to drop my balls and go for it! I can talk about it until I'm blue in the face, but invite me to an open mic or ask me to play and my eyes fall, my chest tightens and I deflect, deflect, deflect. It's sooo frustrating! Mainly for everyone else...I know it's annoying, but what the hell do you want from me? I'm AFRAID! I'm severely afraid to fail, to make a fool of myself, to never make anything at all with my music...it's like my child, and I'm the overbearing, overprotective mother that won't let it go out into the sunlight and play. I also don't think I'm good enough even though every time I play for people, they love it! People have been BLOWN AWAY...BLOWN AWAY!!! I once played for my friend, Steph, and the first thing out of her mouth was "I canNOT believe that just happened in my apartment!" So what the hell Shaneil??? What the hell FEAR? Why you gotta be all up in my business??? But I digress...
The whole reason I bring up fear and loathing today is my view on what I see every day...I live in Los Angeles, I live in a not-so-nice-kinda-really-crappy neighborhood, and I ride the bus. I see working mothers, homeless beggars, illegal immigrants, crabby elders, preppy teenagers, wanna-be gang-bangers, transvestite prostitutes and so on and so forth every day. And I wonder about every single one of these people. If you read my last post, you know I love to people-watch and imagine their life stories. Take today- I was on the good ol' 207, riding up Western towards my apartment. We came to a stop to pick up the next bunch, and I saw a homeless man sitting on the bench. As I sat waiting for the bus to continue its route, I took notice of him talking to himself. He was VERY into this conversation, and I began wondering what he was saying...then I began to take all of him in. He is pretty tall from what I can tell, older (probably 40's) with long, dirty, dark and gray hair, long fingers with big wide fingernails, a long face with big blue eyes, and a wardrobe that I can only imagine reeks of dirt and piss. It took everything in me not to jump off that bus and give him a hug! For as people are pushing past him to board the metro, all I can think of is that this man used to be a boy, and that boy used to be a child, and that child used to be a baby, and somewhere, somehow a mother cared for that child...so what happened? How did he end up here? Why isn't anyone helping him? I know that if I ever hit hard times, there are a very large number of people who would NEVER let me end up where he is...so where are his people? What caused them to disappear from his life? Where are they now? Someone fucking HELP him! But what do I do? I sit on the bus as it pulls away, feeling helpless...and fearful. Why do we fear what we don't understand? How can we judge someone because they fell on hard times and couldn't get back up? Because they showed weakness? He should be judging you as you walk by and plug your nose...but no, he goes on with his life, alone, probably crazy or on drugs, to eventually die alone...and who remembers him? No one. But me. Imagine if no one was ever afraid to approach him, to help him, before, now or later...imagine the possibilities of a life he could have...but never will. It tears at my heart...
Loathing is a very strong word, like hate. Yuck. To properly delve into this word, I looked it up on one of my favorite websites, dictionary.com (ohhhh yeah, I am such a nerd, THANK you). It's defined as strong dislike or disgust; intense aversion. For me, this all goes along with my theme of fear. How can you actually hate something, besides hate itself? Isn't hate the root of all evil? Or is that money? Eh, either way...hate is a product of fear, in my opinion.
I don't think I can actually say I 'hate' anything, although I do harbor some strong dislike for certain things...ignorance, stereotyping, arrogance, money, the government, most organized religion, Bono (don't ask)... but I don't think I have the capacity to actually hate or loathe anything. It kiiind of goes against everything I believe in! (All I need is love, remember?) Everywhere I go, though- I witness hate and loathing...people as a whole looooathe things they don't understand. Coasting along my theme of homeless, there's your example. I work at Sta...a coffee shop..... ;) .....and every day I'm faced with the corporate-forced task of kicking people out of my store. This usually kills me inside. Don't get me wrong, if you come in and solicit or harass other people, you're asking for it. But sometimes, someone comes in with the couple of dollars they earned that day and wants to buy a coffee...or an orange juice...or a snack...and I'm supposed to say no???? Here's where I get heated about this: FIRST of all, they are not buying beer, or cigarettes, or drugs, or whatever else to hopefully ease the pain that night....they are buying food and beverages to sustain some kind of living, however you call that living. They come in, politely ask for their purchase, and leave. There used to be a gentleman who came in every day, Walter...
I love love LOVE Walter. He is the sweetest little thing (I say little, but he's probably in his 50's) and has never caused me a problem in the store. Yes, he has a dirty appearance; yes, he sometimes has a slight odor coming from him...but he also has schizophrenia (which I've been informed is managed better with the help of caffeine), *was* working for the man who runs the home he stays in, and always paid- never asked for samples or free food or money...there was one day that there were no seats available in our lobby (a common occurrence) when I noticed him sitting on the floor near one of the tables. I went to approach him, because I wanted to offer him a chair from the back. Before I could get a word out, he said "I'm sorry, do I need to leave? I understand if I shouldn't be here...did I bother someone? I'm so sorry..." I almost cried right there. I told him he was always welcome in that store and to never assume otherwise...and for the first time, I saw a smile on his face. Now I'm SORRY but screw you corporate America, that's being a patriot, that's helping your fellow man. All I did was allow him to stay in the building he PAID FOR A PURCHASE TO BE IN and he smiled, smiled, for the first time I had seen in months...I haven't seen him in about 3 months, because he was probably banned from our store. Assholes.
So what can we do? What can I do? These questions pose a problem for me. People constantly say they want to help, but never do. The thing is, there are numerous opportunities to help your fellow man every day, every time you walk out the door, in everything you do. You just have to look for the signs. Don't overwhelm yourself, take it one step at a time, one person at a time, one random act of kindness at a time...don't be afraid, don't judge, don't loathe, don't hate, just be, live...and let live. Some of the best moments of my life, that I'll always remember, took 2 minutes to occur and changed someone's day, possibly even life. That's the greatest feeling in the world to me, next to love...but, that is love...love for your fellow man, love for the same species you are- no matter their background, appearance, personality- none of it- they are flesh and blood like you, my friend. So start acting like it and HELP ME OUT! Haha ;)
Fear is a big issue of mine. I have many fears, including but not limited to: most heights, small spaces (claustrophobia), falling, natural disasters, anything that can fly and sting me, pursuing my music career and never finding true love- love I feel I deserve. All of these things affect my daily life. I don't do rollercoasters (sorry!), I will NEVER skydive, bungee jump or any of those idiotic things...I will never move somewhere known for having tornados or hurricanes (no thanks!), I freak out if a bee comes within 10 feet of me, I constantly downplay my musical talent and ability, and I act slightly insane when the chance at finding someone I feel is perfect for me shows his face...
So why do I fear these things? Why do we fear anything? Well, the first few are obvious...ie. I don't wanna DIE any time soon! But okay...my music. I love music sooo much. I breath music, I hear music everywhere, I see it everywhere, I find it in the most mundane things (I work at Starbucks and sing EVERYTHING...people's change, their drinks, what I'm prepping for the day...) but I can't seem to drop my balls and go for it! I can talk about it until I'm blue in the face, but invite me to an open mic or ask me to play and my eyes fall, my chest tightens and I deflect, deflect, deflect. It's sooo frustrating! Mainly for everyone else...I know it's annoying, but what the hell do you want from me? I'm AFRAID! I'm severely afraid to fail, to make a fool of myself, to never make anything at all with my music...it's like my child, and I'm the overbearing, overprotective mother that won't let it go out into the sunlight and play. I also don't think I'm good enough even though every time I play for people, they love it! People have been BLOWN AWAY...BLOWN AWAY!!! I once played for my friend, Steph, and the first thing out of her mouth was "I canNOT believe that just happened in my apartment!" So what the hell Shaneil??? What the hell FEAR? Why you gotta be all up in my business??? But I digress...
The whole reason I bring up fear and loathing today is my view on what I see every day...I live in Los Angeles, I live in a not-so-nice-kinda-really-crappy neighborhood, and I ride the bus. I see working mothers, homeless beggars, illegal immigrants, crabby elders, preppy teenagers, wanna-be gang-bangers, transvestite prostitutes and so on and so forth every day. And I wonder about every single one of these people. If you read my last post, you know I love to people-watch and imagine their life stories. Take today- I was on the good ol' 207, riding up Western towards my apartment. We came to a stop to pick up the next bunch, and I saw a homeless man sitting on the bench. As I sat waiting for the bus to continue its route, I took notice of him talking to himself. He was VERY into this conversation, and I began wondering what he was saying...then I began to take all of him in. He is pretty tall from what I can tell, older (probably 40's) with long, dirty, dark and gray hair, long fingers with big wide fingernails, a long face with big blue eyes, and a wardrobe that I can only imagine reeks of dirt and piss. It took everything in me not to jump off that bus and give him a hug! For as people are pushing past him to board the metro, all I can think of is that this man used to be a boy, and that boy used to be a child, and that child used to be a baby, and somewhere, somehow a mother cared for that child...so what happened? How did he end up here? Why isn't anyone helping him? I know that if I ever hit hard times, there are a very large number of people who would NEVER let me end up where he is...so where are his people? What caused them to disappear from his life? Where are they now? Someone fucking HELP him! But what do I do? I sit on the bus as it pulls away, feeling helpless...and fearful. Why do we fear what we don't understand? How can we judge someone because they fell on hard times and couldn't get back up? Because they showed weakness? He should be judging you as you walk by and plug your nose...but no, he goes on with his life, alone, probably crazy or on drugs, to eventually die alone...and who remembers him? No one. But me. Imagine if no one was ever afraid to approach him, to help him, before, now or later...imagine the possibilities of a life he could have...but never will. It tears at my heart...
Loathing is a very strong word, like hate. Yuck. To properly delve into this word, I looked it up on one of my favorite websites, dictionary.com (ohhhh yeah, I am such a nerd, THANK you). It's defined as strong dislike or disgust; intense aversion. For me, this all goes along with my theme of fear. How can you actually hate something, besides hate itself? Isn't hate the root of all evil? Or is that money? Eh, either way...hate is a product of fear, in my opinion.
I don't think I can actually say I 'hate' anything, although I do harbor some strong dislike for certain things...ignorance, stereotyping, arrogance, money, the government, most organized religion, Bono (don't ask)... but I don't think I have the capacity to actually hate or loathe anything. It kiiind of goes against everything I believe in! (All I need is love, remember?) Everywhere I go, though- I witness hate and loathing...people as a whole looooathe things they don't understand. Coasting along my theme of homeless, there's your example. I work at Sta...a coffee shop..... ;) .....and every day I'm faced with the corporate-forced task of kicking people out of my store. This usually kills me inside. Don't get me wrong, if you come in and solicit or harass other people, you're asking for it. But sometimes, someone comes in with the couple of dollars they earned that day and wants to buy a coffee...or an orange juice...or a snack...and I'm supposed to say no???? Here's where I get heated about this: FIRST of all, they are not buying beer, or cigarettes, or drugs, or whatever else to hopefully ease the pain that night....they are buying food and beverages to sustain some kind of living, however you call that living. They come in, politely ask for their purchase, and leave. There used to be a gentleman who came in every day, Walter...
I love love LOVE Walter. He is the sweetest little thing (I say little, but he's probably in his 50's) and has never caused me a problem in the store. Yes, he has a dirty appearance; yes, he sometimes has a slight odor coming from him...but he also has schizophrenia (which I've been informed is managed better with the help of caffeine), *was* working for the man who runs the home he stays in, and always paid- never asked for samples or free food or money...there was one day that there were no seats available in our lobby (a common occurrence) when I noticed him sitting on the floor near one of the tables. I went to approach him, because I wanted to offer him a chair from the back. Before I could get a word out, he said "I'm sorry, do I need to leave? I understand if I shouldn't be here...did I bother someone? I'm so sorry..." I almost cried right there. I told him he was always welcome in that store and to never assume otherwise...and for the first time, I saw a smile on his face. Now I'm SORRY but screw you corporate America, that's being a patriot, that's helping your fellow man. All I did was allow him to stay in the building he PAID FOR A PURCHASE TO BE IN and he smiled, smiled, for the first time I had seen in months...I haven't seen him in about 3 months, because he was probably banned from our store. Assholes.
So what can we do? What can I do? These questions pose a problem for me. People constantly say they want to help, but never do. The thing is, there are numerous opportunities to help your fellow man every day, every time you walk out the door, in everything you do. You just have to look for the signs. Don't overwhelm yourself, take it one step at a time, one person at a time, one random act of kindness at a time...don't be afraid, don't judge, don't loathe, don't hate, just be, live...and let live. Some of the best moments of my life, that I'll always remember, took 2 minutes to occur and changed someone's day, possibly even life. That's the greatest feeling in the world to me, next to love...but, that is love...love for your fellow man, love for the same species you are- no matter their background, appearance, personality- none of it- they are flesh and blood like you, my friend. So start acting like it and HELP ME OUT! Haha ;)
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A New Dawn, A New Day and A New Life...
So, I found my old blog (with a whopping 2 posts) from a couple of years ago thanks to a friend of mine starting one...and I realized, I really need to start writing again- as in, just writing. Not songs or poetry or whatnot...but just writing. There is so much going on inside of me right now and I need to release it or I'm going to explode, and this seems healthy enough- so here we go!
Disclaimer: I don't really care if anyone reads any of this. Honestly, it's more for me. But if you stumble across my ramblings and decide to comment, feel free. It's always nice to know someone understands or relates to the craziness ensuing within me.
To Catch You Up: I recently got out of a five-year relationship with my best friend. The hardest thing I ever did was leave him, and it immediately made me feel invincible...not anything against him, believe me, just that if I could do THAT, I could do, well- ANYthing! It made the whole transition a lot easier for me than I expected. I suddenly had a new outlook on life, like I was finally in control. I am already very honest, and soon became brave...r. ish. Okay, I'm still a big wuss, but some parts of my life began to just make sense. I started to realize what I really want from someone as a counterpart to my heart and soul. Now, this is very important to me, because I normally have no idea and do my best to find the right pieces to the puzzle of what makes me "me". Because of this, a lot of friendships have failed for me. (Side note, I now have the most amazing friends- finally). But for love...ah, love. I love love. Let me tell you something, if I could always be in love, I would. It is the greatest feeling in the world to have someone appreciate and not just like, but LOVE you for you...I would never turn it down. I'm "not looking for anything right now", which is translation for: "I'm not looking for anyone but exactly what I have in my mind right now, right now." I think we say this because we're afraid...of what differs from person to person. I'm afraid of rejection- every form, everything about it. It's why I don't push my music, it's why I get pushed over, it's why I struggle with love...BUT- suddenly, I knew what I wanted...so back to the point-
Uno) I now know what I want- nay, what I need from someone to love me. I need communication, open and honest communication. Why is this so hard? Because most people can't handle it...so those who wish they could DON'T because they're afraid of the other's reaction. Well, news flash- WE'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT. I hate games and bullshit, lay it down and lay it thick. It may hurt right then, but you'll be doing me a favor. See, I tend to let my imagination run away with me, so if you don't tell me how it is, I will imagine it how I want it. And then I get hurt anyways, even though you never "did anything". Welcome to the world of women.
Deux) I need someone who understands my love and passion for music...someone who can be nerdy and get excited about the little bendy thing in the song on the radio, someone who can appreciate shitty music because it contains the most beautiful lyrics we've heard all year, someone who can sit and play all day and never get bored with it. I'm no amazing musician or anything, but my love for it runs deeper than almost anything else in my life. If we don't have that connection, to hell with it!
C) I need someone who will push me to do all the things I want, need and am capable of doing...and understand that I'm going to push back. I can't help it. I'm so damn scared of rejection, I will procrastinate until the cows come home if it means I don't have to face it. But I want to....oh, how I want to face it so bad because I KNOW it'll be okay in the end, I do. I just need to be kicked off the diving board, into the deep end of that fear. Every time I do, I never look back- so at least there's something to look forward to on the other end :)
4) I need someone to be okay with how much "me" time I need. I may not always admit it, but I know I need it. For example, I go on "me dates". I find my favorite sushi restaurant, sit outside so I can smoke (I know, I know), order sake, beer and all my favorite raw fishies. Then I people watch- it always inspires me, never fails. Probably one of my favorite pastimes. I love observing people; how they interact, their body language, their clothes- all of it. I love to imagine up stories for them- like where they're going, where they're coming from, who they're thinking of, who they are...I can get stuck on the thought that there are so many different personality types and storylines all around me for hours...it fascinates me. It helps me write, which brings us back to music- and you know how I feel about that.
Second place for most important, I need someone to be silly with. I am a nerd, a big one...I'm not always funny, but usually think I am. And when I realize I just said something "not" funny, I think that's funny and laugh more...laughter is the best medicine, and I'm an addict to things that make me feel good. I love stupid comedy, dry comedy, dark comedy- comedy is what keeps me sane. Any form of it. You can't take life too seriously with me, but you still need to be serious when necessary. This was a problem in my last relationship- noooooo bueno. There's a common balance, so grab a stick and walk that line with me!
So, most importantly on this long ramble of things I need- (apologies to anyone actually reading this)- someone who can actually love me for...you guessed it- ME!! I have worked very hard, and still am, on recognizing and accepting my flaws. We all have them, we all deny them, but they make us who we are. Well, I like me. I really do. So to appreciate me all the more, I've been personally picking out my flaws, adjusting where I see fit, and accepting what will always be. I will always be stubborn. I will always be controlling and a perfectionist. I will always be just a tiny bit jealous. I will always be emotional. I will always care too much, and worry too much. I obsess. I cry. I'm a wuss. Blah blah blah...I accept these things because I can recognize when I do them, usually point it out before you do, and attempt to lessen the effects. But they're not going away, and you need to accept that. As with everything written prior, I will do the same for you. That's why I can accept my flaws, because I feel the good outweighs the bad- no, I know it does. I love and care for people more than I probably should. Or more than people say I should. I think love is the greatest gift, and not enough people get it, although everyone deserves it.
All you need is love...I guess that's the theme of this first post. Sorry it turned into a lot more than an introduction, per se...guess it just goes to show I have a lot to get off of my chest. Love is always on my mind, so my recent revelations just poured out of me. On a funny note, I didn't mention looks up there because they don't particularly matter to me...but I can't stand guys who are too into themselves or their looks. I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and she said: "You're so not picky, you are picky!" That's fine. Picky is what I deserve to be. Damn it. That's what everyone keeps telling me, and yet I'm alone. Well, it's only been 3 months, but I'm not a doctor and I don't have patience! ..........yes, I'm laughing out loud.
Disclaimer: I don't really care if anyone reads any of this. Honestly, it's more for me. But if you stumble across my ramblings and decide to comment, feel free. It's always nice to know someone understands or relates to the craziness ensuing within me.
To Catch You Up: I recently got out of a five-year relationship with my best friend. The hardest thing I ever did was leave him, and it immediately made me feel invincible...not anything against him, believe me, just that if I could do THAT, I could do, well- ANYthing! It made the whole transition a lot easier for me than I expected. I suddenly had a new outlook on life, like I was finally in control. I am already very honest, and soon became brave...r. ish. Okay, I'm still a big wuss, but some parts of my life began to just make sense. I started to realize what I really want from someone as a counterpart to my heart and soul. Now, this is very important to me, because I normally have no idea and do my best to find the right pieces to the puzzle of what makes me "me". Because of this, a lot of friendships have failed for me. (Side note, I now have the most amazing friends- finally). But for love...ah, love. I love love. Let me tell you something, if I could always be in love, I would. It is the greatest feeling in the world to have someone appreciate and not just like, but LOVE you for you...I would never turn it down. I'm "not looking for anything right now", which is translation for: "I'm not looking for anyone but exactly what I have in my mind right now, right now." I think we say this because we're afraid...of what differs from person to person. I'm afraid of rejection- every form, everything about it. It's why I don't push my music, it's why I get pushed over, it's why I struggle with love...BUT- suddenly, I knew what I wanted...so back to the point-
Uno) I now know what I want- nay, what I need from someone to love me. I need communication, open and honest communication. Why is this so hard? Because most people can't handle it...so those who wish they could DON'T because they're afraid of the other's reaction. Well, news flash- WE'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT. I hate games and bullshit, lay it down and lay it thick. It may hurt right then, but you'll be doing me a favor. See, I tend to let my imagination run away with me, so if you don't tell me how it is, I will imagine it how I want it. And then I get hurt anyways, even though you never "did anything". Welcome to the world of women.
Deux) I need someone who understands my love and passion for music...someone who can be nerdy and get excited about the little bendy thing in the song on the radio, someone who can appreciate shitty music because it contains the most beautiful lyrics we've heard all year, someone who can sit and play all day and never get bored with it. I'm no amazing musician or anything, but my love for it runs deeper than almost anything else in my life. If we don't have that connection, to hell with it!
C) I need someone who will push me to do all the things I want, need and am capable of doing...and understand that I'm going to push back. I can't help it. I'm so damn scared of rejection, I will procrastinate until the cows come home if it means I don't have to face it. But I want to....oh, how I want to face it so bad because I KNOW it'll be okay in the end, I do. I just need to be kicked off the diving board, into the deep end of that fear. Every time I do, I never look back- so at least there's something to look forward to on the other end :)
4) I need someone to be okay with how much "me" time I need. I may not always admit it, but I know I need it. For example, I go on "me dates". I find my favorite sushi restaurant, sit outside so I can smoke (I know, I know), order sake, beer and all my favorite raw fishies. Then I people watch- it always inspires me, never fails. Probably one of my favorite pastimes. I love observing people; how they interact, their body language, their clothes- all of it. I love to imagine up stories for them- like where they're going, where they're coming from, who they're thinking of, who they are...I can get stuck on the thought that there are so many different personality types and storylines all around me for hours...it fascinates me. It helps me write, which brings us back to music- and you know how I feel about that.
Second place for most important, I need someone to be silly with. I am a nerd, a big one...I'm not always funny, but usually think I am. And when I realize I just said something "not" funny, I think that's funny and laugh more...laughter is the best medicine, and I'm an addict to things that make me feel good. I love stupid comedy, dry comedy, dark comedy- comedy is what keeps me sane. Any form of it. You can't take life too seriously with me, but you still need to be serious when necessary. This was a problem in my last relationship- noooooo bueno. There's a common balance, so grab a stick and walk that line with me!
So, most importantly on this long ramble of things I need- (apologies to anyone actually reading this)- someone who can actually love me for...you guessed it- ME!! I have worked very hard, and still am, on recognizing and accepting my flaws. We all have them, we all deny them, but they make us who we are. Well, I like me. I really do. So to appreciate me all the more, I've been personally picking out my flaws, adjusting where I see fit, and accepting what will always be. I will always be stubborn. I will always be controlling and a perfectionist. I will always be just a tiny bit jealous. I will always be emotional. I will always care too much, and worry too much. I obsess. I cry. I'm a wuss. Blah blah blah...I accept these things because I can recognize when I do them, usually point it out before you do, and attempt to lessen the effects. But they're not going away, and you need to accept that. As with everything written prior, I will do the same for you. That's why I can accept my flaws, because I feel the good outweighs the bad- no, I know it does. I love and care for people more than I probably should. Or more than people say I should. I think love is the greatest gift, and not enough people get it, although everyone deserves it.
All you need is love...I guess that's the theme of this first post. Sorry it turned into a lot more than an introduction, per se...guess it just goes to show I have a lot to get off of my chest. Love is always on my mind, so my recent revelations just poured out of me. On a funny note, I didn't mention looks up there because they don't particularly matter to me...but I can't stand guys who are too into themselves or their looks. I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and she said: "You're so not picky, you are picky!" That's fine. Picky is what I deserve to be. Damn it. That's what everyone keeps telling me, and yet I'm alone. Well, it's only been 3 months, but I'm not a doctor and I don't have patience! ..........yes, I'm laughing out loud.
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