Alllllrighty then- let's try this again, shall we?
Hello, my name is Shaneil, and it has been 12 days since my last post. (Hi, Shaneil). Why, hello. Miss me? Well I missed you! I haven't written anything recently because the things I'm going through right now are a little too daunting to publish on a public forum. But hey, when did that ever stop me before?
Well kids, I've really done it this time! Allowing myself to get too attached to someone, I've been having trouble focusing on anything else. Yup, it's true. I've semi-fallen for someone new, and it's a one-way street to heartache. How could I help but fall for someone who meets almost every quality I've ever looked for in a man? Minus the emotionally unavailable part... minor detail right?? I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to handle. Spending a lot of time with myself lately, I've had PLENTY of time to dwell and overanalyze and pick apart everything about everything. Ah, the joys of being a woman. Men, you're either really skilled at not caring or really good at hiding it. But hey, I'm no idiot. I know where I stand, and although it hurts, I'm working on moving on. Want some more honesty? Feels like I'm getting over two people now... geez louise.
Time just keeps on passing by as I sit and dwell and stew and linger and... wait a minute. Why am I so concerned about other people who aren't even a big part of my life? Isn't this blog all about a new me? Not other people? Not anyone else? Yes, dammit! This is about me. All about me. Me, me, me. I'm more important than anyone else in my life, and I need to start acting like it. So do not fret, my pets. Shaneil is learning more and more each day, and though perspective can be a scary thing, mine is finally coming into focus.
I want to start writing about random topics and stop littering your precious minds with my complaints and woe-is-me's. I want to have news and updates about my life with the hope to bring a smile or a proud grin to your beautiful faces. Yes, I'm sucking up. Don't leave me! I swear I'll emotionally calm down someday! Okay, I don't swear. I unswear. De-leee-ete. But I will get it together here sometime soon... promise.
First step? I have to do something I don't want to do, but need to do. I have a list of these "don't want to, but need to" items. I need to push back some things I've been trying to accomplish for a while now, including music. I have so much to focus on right now, be it my job/promotion or moving in August, and if I don't stay focused on these tasks, I will be in BIG trouble! So, responsibility- you win today. But my dreams are nipping at your time-consuming heels!
Health, apartment, promotion. My trinity of focus right now. Nothing more, nothing less. As soon as these things are in order, I can get back to being the dreamy, emotional, head-in-the-clouds girl that I am. I'm distancing myself from the thorns on the rosebush, taking a big whiff of that sweet nectar, and keeping an eye out for bees. Sometimes you need to mentally slap yourself in the face to wake your ass up to the reality that you're living. My reality is that I have a never-ending list of priorities that have fallen second place to my emotional distress. Healing takes time, and I've been rushing myself. My heart is definitely hurting, but I see the road ahead, aching for the sound of approaching footsteps. Mine. The steps I need to take aren't those I want, but they lead to the ultimate goal in life: happiness. I have to build myself back up to feel on top again. So, from now on, I will post every day with at least one thing I accomplished on my long list of need-to-do's. I have included as much of this list as possible below, in order to have a "check-list" to refer to.
In positive news, I am absolutely THRILLED to be getting my own place soon! This was my original plan when I first moved out of the apartment with Chris and Jono. Then my beautiful best friend came along, in need of living on her own for the first time EVER, and I jumped at the opportunity. It's been an amazing year with an amazing lady, and I love her very much! Nothing but good times with this girl, even with sharing a bedroom. She's like a sister to me, and I will miss her every day. But the thought of having my own space, my very own apartment all to myself and my boys, is something I never thought I would or could accomplish. It's within my grasp and I can hardly wait to taste the freedom and independence of living on my own!
I haven't been very smart with my feelings and emotions, but I'm changing all of that starting today. Okay, maybe tomorrow. After indulging in some innocent venting, it's time to buck up, shut up, and put up. I'm too old to be acting like this. I'm staying true to myself, and only putting effort into those or that which appreciates and/or benefits me. My wit, positivity and overall joie de vivre have faded. Makes me sad. For myself, and hell, for you! Bet you miss actually being entertained by my posts? No worries, my friends- Shaneil's coming back! It's taken a little time, but with every day comes new hope and new perspective. I love you all, but most of all, I love me. I deserve love, so it's about time I showered myself with the love I deserve. Love for the beauty that is me. My accomplishment for today? A renewed faith in the potential within myself. It's about. fuckin'. time.
Goals:
- Save up as much money as possible at all times for apartment!
- Schedule doctor and dentist appointments
- Take pups to the vet
- Finish my promotion binder for upcoming interviews
- Pack up the apartment, be prepared for moving! It's coming up quick! :)
- Throw away any and all junk in this damn place
- Give landlord notice of us moving out
- Buy new work/interview clothes
- Sell Marty :(
- Exchange personal belongings with the ex... ugh.
- Recruit a moving team!
- Pay off some bills
- Have a plan for "moving" internet and cancelling bills I no longer need
That's good for now... wish me luck!
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Friday, June 17, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Clean House = Clean Mind
There's some old adage about a clean home equalling a clean mind...well, today I'm putting that to the test! My amazing roommate and I cleaned and disinfected the entire apartment all day. Man, what a feeling!!! An unclogged shower? Clear and clean counters in the kitchen? Clothes hung up with care? Check!
On top of that, my beloved taxes cleared sometime last night...thank you for something, government! Even though you just gave me some of my hard-earned money back...but whatever. I digress. The point is, I FINALLY got to buy things I've been needing in the back of my mind for so long! New work clothes, underwear (since my puppy loves to chew them to smitherines...), a new mouse/mousepad, food/water bowls and toys for my boys, groceries, etc. Oh, happy day!
It's time to get going on all of those goals I set recently. First up? Although not mentioned on the list of goals, I have been drinking far more than I'd like lately. So that's out. For the most part, anyways. Also, I have GOT to cut back on my smoking! I did really well for a couple of days...a couple of days...like two. So it's time to hit that hard and cut-it-out! (Lame Full House reference...don't judge me.) I also need to get going with my music, going out to open mics and whatnot. I already agreed to a show next week, just haven't heard back from the friend putting it together. If all goes well, my very first show will be THURSDAY!!! Details to follow, of course.
Having the place clean and organized, I already feel better! Life is slowly putting itself in order for me, and I appreciate that life! I feel some good things just around the riverbend...and I'm with paddle in hand and ready to fight the waves along the way! This week started off amazing...then quickly turned horrid. BUT, with my heart in my hand, I pushed through and am ending on a strong note! I feel really good today, and look forward to what lays ahead. No more messing around. No more just writing it. I have the tools in hand, and it's time to start hammering! Building the shelter I wish to live in. Myself. Only I control it, no one else. Life.....is officially my bitch.
On top of that, my beloved taxes cleared sometime last night...thank you for something, government! Even though you just gave me some of my hard-earned money back...but whatever. I digress. The point is, I FINALLY got to buy things I've been needing in the back of my mind for so long! New work clothes, underwear (since my puppy loves to chew them to smitherines...), a new mouse/mousepad, food/water bowls and toys for my boys, groceries, etc. Oh, happy day!
It's time to get going on all of those goals I set recently. First up? Although not mentioned on the list of goals, I have been drinking far more than I'd like lately. So that's out. For the most part, anyways. Also, I have GOT to cut back on my smoking! I did really well for a couple of days...a couple of days...like two. So it's time to hit that hard and cut-it-out! (Lame Full House reference...don't judge me.) I also need to get going with my music, going out to open mics and whatnot. I already agreed to a show next week, just haven't heard back from the friend putting it together. If all goes well, my very first show will be THURSDAY!!! Details to follow, of course.
Having the place clean and organized, I already feel better! Life is slowly putting itself in order for me, and I appreciate that life! I feel some good things just around the riverbend...and I'm with paddle in hand and ready to fight the waves along the way! This week started off amazing...then quickly turned horrid. BUT, with my heart in my hand, I pushed through and am ending on a strong note! I feel really good today, and look forward to what lays ahead. No more messing around. No more just writing it. I have the tools in hand, and it's time to start hammering! Building the shelter I wish to live in. Myself. Only I control it, no one else. Life.....is officially my bitch.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
GOALS! ...Yeah, All I Really Want is GOALS!
Okay, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself- it's time to move on and move forward and move up and... just move. My ass. NOW.
I have already broached the subject of smoking...which, ugghhhh, here's the update since yesterday: I bought another pack. Fuckin' sue me. I smoked almost half of it last night, too! What of it? I'm weak...I was trying to get it out of my system so I could wake up this morning and gag at the thought of a cigarette. Well, it worked! I didn't take the pack with me, and didn't smoke ALL DAY at work! And now......I've smoked two since I got home. I'm sorry! I'm not ready to quit cold turkey- BUT- I am cutting down big time. I'm no longer taking cigarettes to work, and I'm gonna try to only have 1-2 a day, at most. So that's something. I'll include an update on this one at the bottom of every post. That way, I have motivation to not smoke and have everyone (or the two of you) be proud of me :)
Next on the list... HEALTH. I need to get myself in shape and healthy. I have already taken steps towards this, which I am extremely proud of! I can't believe I'm about to admit this...buuuut my heaviest was 180...okay 185. Now, I'm around 125- yesss!!! That took eating smaller portions and walking as much as possible. Now, I'm working on eating healthier. I've been eating a banana or oatmeal at work, along with orange juice. So yay for vitamins! But with my recent break-up and loneliness and mild depression, I haven't been eating much lately...so I need to get myself on a steady schedule of at least three meals a day, somewhat healthy meals. And I want to join a gym, just need a gym buddy! Gyms make me nervous; don't know why, but need someone there with me so I can relax and exercise my hot body into an even hotter one!
Vehicle: With my roomie gone this week, I have had her car at my disposal and have been LOVING it! I want a car again...nothing fancy, just a point A to point B kind of car. Something to get me out of this effing apartment and out into the world as often as possible. I hate...greatly dislike...being cooped up in my apartment. I need air. I need to see other buildings. It doesn't mean I don't love you, apartment. Time apart is healthy. Promise.
Rolling with that goal...FINANCES...dun Dun DUN!!! Ohhh boy, this is a big one! I have so many things I need to take care of financially, and I really want to start working on paying it all off and possibly creating a decent credit score. I have many debts, and many things in queue that require a somewhat large chunk of change. I need to get my teeth fixed, my dogs to the vet, a car (see previous goal), among other things I can't think of right now...so it's time to start a budget! Budget, pay bills on time, sign up for payment plans with bill collectors, start taking care of my teeth a little at a time, etc...can't wait for that promotion!
Alrighty, here's the biggie! Muuuuusic... I have GOT to get over this insane fear I have of pursuing my music...it goes wayyyy deeper than you could imagine. I can barely play for my damn friends! People who have heard me a hundred times, I still get ridiculously nervous and start diminishing whatever I'm about to play/sing. It's not an attractive quality. It's plain annoying. And the weirdest part? I really love my songs! I'm proud of them, and think I have something here...but shit, what if no one agrees? What if I look stupid? What if people say, "what was she thinking??" ????......WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE?! Right?!
SO, I have analyzed and picked apart this fear of mine...and I know a couple of things I need to do. I need lessons. I need a vocal coach, and I need private guitar lessons. It seems like the only way I can stay focused and learn consistently. The nice thing is, I'm a quick learner. So the lessons will be even more beneficial for me than the average Joe...sephine? Either way, I need to get down to business! It's business time!!! (Name THAT reference!!) The vocal coach can wait until I'm a little more financially stable...I have ways of working on that on my own. But I definitely want a guitar teacher...and if someone would take me, I've already found my teacher! Too bad he won't read this. I'll have to stalk him later. Sorry, stake him. Okay, inside joke. Sorry.
I also need to start going to open mics. One step towards this goal: I have scoured the internet for any and all open mics that appeal to me, and have their locations and schedules saved. So, one step towards this goal? CHECK! Now to show up...who's with me???
I think that's a good starting point. I have a list of very important priorities here, and the best part?? They all link up towards my ultimate goal: A better me. I need to be happy with me, just me. I need to stop thinking about love, and when I'll find it again. I'm a good person, I have great qualities, and I love unconditionally. Love should be lining up at my doorstep! But it's not...and I have to relax and accept that...and then love will find me. And we'll live happily ever after...and our love children will frolic in the gardens of the happiness we've built on our candy-coated mountain of puppy dog tails and rain-fuckin-bows... Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth,too.
I have already broached the subject of smoking...which, ugghhhh, here's the update since yesterday: I bought another pack. Fuckin' sue me. I smoked almost half of it last night, too! What of it? I'm weak...I was trying to get it out of my system so I could wake up this morning and gag at the thought of a cigarette. Well, it worked! I didn't take the pack with me, and didn't smoke ALL DAY at work! And now......I've smoked two since I got home. I'm sorry! I'm not ready to quit cold turkey- BUT- I am cutting down big time. I'm no longer taking cigarettes to work, and I'm gonna try to only have 1-2 a day, at most. So that's something. I'll include an update on this one at the bottom of every post. That way, I have motivation to not smoke and have everyone (or the two of you) be proud of me :)
Next on the list... HEALTH. I need to get myself in shape and healthy. I have already taken steps towards this, which I am extremely proud of! I can't believe I'm about to admit this...buuuut my heaviest was 180...okay 185. Now, I'm around 125- yesss!!! That took eating smaller portions and walking as much as possible. Now, I'm working on eating healthier. I've been eating a banana or oatmeal at work, along with orange juice. So yay for vitamins! But with my recent break-up and loneliness and mild depression, I haven't been eating much lately...so I need to get myself on a steady schedule of at least three meals a day, somewhat healthy meals. And I want to join a gym, just need a gym buddy! Gyms make me nervous; don't know why, but need someone there with me so I can relax and exercise my hot body into an even hotter one!
Vehicle: With my roomie gone this week, I have had her car at my disposal and have been LOVING it! I want a car again...nothing fancy, just a point A to point B kind of car. Something to get me out of this effing apartment and out into the world as often as possible. I hate...greatly dislike...being cooped up in my apartment. I need air. I need to see other buildings. It doesn't mean I don't love you, apartment. Time apart is healthy. Promise.
Rolling with that goal...FINANCES...dun Dun DUN!!! Ohhh boy, this is a big one! I have so many things I need to take care of financially, and I really want to start working on paying it all off and possibly creating a decent credit score. I have many debts, and many things in queue that require a somewhat large chunk of change. I need to get my teeth fixed, my dogs to the vet, a car (see previous goal), among other things I can't think of right now...so it's time to start a budget! Budget, pay bills on time, sign up for payment plans with bill collectors, start taking care of my teeth a little at a time, etc...can't wait for that promotion!
Alrighty, here's the biggie! Muuuuusic... I have GOT to get over this insane fear I have of pursuing my music...it goes wayyyy deeper than you could imagine. I can barely play for my damn friends! People who have heard me a hundred times, I still get ridiculously nervous and start diminishing whatever I'm about to play/sing. It's not an attractive quality. It's plain annoying. And the weirdest part? I really love my songs! I'm proud of them, and think I have something here...but shit, what if no one agrees? What if I look stupid? What if people say, "what was she thinking??" ????......WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE?! Right?!
SO, I have analyzed and picked apart this fear of mine...and I know a couple of things I need to do. I need lessons. I need a vocal coach, and I need private guitar lessons. It seems like the only way I can stay focused and learn consistently. The nice thing is, I'm a quick learner. So the lessons will be even more beneficial for me than the average Joe...sephine? Either way, I need to get down to business! It's business time!!! (Name THAT reference!!) The vocal coach can wait until I'm a little more financially stable...I have ways of working on that on my own. But I definitely want a guitar teacher...and if someone would take me, I've already found my teacher! Too bad he won't read this. I'll have to stalk him later. Sorry, stake him. Okay, inside joke. Sorry.
I also need to start going to open mics. One step towards this goal: I have scoured the internet for any and all open mics that appeal to me, and have their locations and schedules saved. So, one step towards this goal? CHECK! Now to show up...who's with me???
I think that's a good starting point. I have a list of very important priorities here, and the best part?? They all link up towards my ultimate goal: A better me. I need to be happy with me, just me. I need to stop thinking about love, and when I'll find it again. I'm a good person, I have great qualities, and I love unconditionally. Love should be lining up at my doorstep! But it's not...and I have to relax and accept that...and then love will find me. And we'll live happily ever after...and our love children will frolic in the gardens of the happiness we've built on our candy-coated mountain of puppy dog tails and rain-fuckin-bows... Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth,too.
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