I'm feeling a little all over the place today. Happy and anxious. Subdued. Relieved. Stagnant. So many different emotions in the slide show of my mind... it's almost impossible to keep up. I'm taking one thing at a time, but I can't help switching slides and changing moods. For the most part? I feel good. No- I feel great. I do. I'm hopeful... in spite of the fact I have a feeling a small heartache is near. I'm prepared, though, and focused on what really matters. Myself.
Behind Door #1- Shaneil took ahold of her career. I should've spoken up earlier. I know this. I feel bad for this. It is what it is, though- my favorite cop-out. If you didn't know already, I cancelled the big interview on Tuesday when I was already halfway there. Well, postponed it. It only sets me back a couple of months, and I really and truly needed to make that decision. It's all too fast, too soon for something I've barely been able to prepare for. On top of that, my personal life needs some mending time before piling on a whole crapload of work... so I made the call to the district manager, explained my position, and went home. An extremely tough phone call, though it went well. The point is, I feel an enourmous amount of relief and am pleased with my choice.
Behind Door #2- Shaneil released some nagging feelings. Some things have been bothering me to the point where nothing else mattered. Enough was enough. So after making peace with a few things, I finally voiced some concerns to someone and feel extremely relieved. I do not necessarily expect a response... but just saying it "out loud" made me feel better.
Behind Door #3- Shaneil's seeing her effing family!!! Many of you probably do not know much about my relationship with my family. It is so complicated and varied that I tend to keep my family life personal and private. That isn't to say I won't answer questions about them, I just don't offer up the information very often. Well, after over 2 years of not seeing my Mom and Grammy, they're coming into town tomorrow for 3 days!! I am SO thrilled to see them, and two of my little sisters. Some much needed love and attention is just what the doctor ordered for this achin' heart...
With my priorities straightened out a bit, I'm feeling better and better each day. I'm looking towards the future with a smile and high hopes. I'm in control and no one else. Not anymore. This is my world, and I'm the only one living in it... so take your shoes off at the door.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Slow Your Roll!
It has been a rough couple of days, but I made a big decision that I feel is best right now. Halfway to my big interview yesterday, I called and cancelled. That's the short story version. The decision was made after a morning of disaster after disaster trying to get out to Burbank. I suddenly realized, I'm not ready for this. Everything happened so quickly that I barely had a chance to let it soak in... and with everything else going on in my life, I needed to step back and recognize what's good for me right now, and what isn't.
My body has desperately been trying to tell me to slow down... and I finally paid attention to the call. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained... and before it gets too out of hand, I need to relax and let everything fall back into its rightful place. I'm feeling better and better each day, and this decision took a huge weight off of my shoulders, figuratively and literally! I was lugging a good 50 lbs of supplies around yesterday for that interview, and I am FEELING it! I need a massage...
Sometimes, life moves a little too quickly to keep up and still maintain sanity. So I'm throwing on the e-brake and letting my mind, body and soul catch up. I'm slowly but surely turning into the woman I have always wanted to be, but in order to do that, I have to make good decisions for myself. The temporary postponement of my promotion is one of them. How can I possibly move into a position I am in no way prepared or developed for? This is only a 1-2 month delay, but just what I need to come into my own as a developing assistant manager. I'm excited for the next few months to finally accomplish the goals I have for my store and my career.
On top of the added stress of this promotion, I actually pushed back music to do this... shame on me! I should NEVER turn my back on the one thing that never lets me down and is always there to renew my self-being. I was reminded of my love and passion for music when my roomie showed me a new style of strumming she discovered she could do... I remember those days- being so excited to share something I learned on guitar. I miss that! She inspired me to get back to my poor, unused and untouched guitar. Now to buy new strings, since my dog so kindly decided to jump on my guitar and break my E string... great, more money to spend that I don't have!
Life is throwing a lot at me, but I'm taking it one step at a time. I've been up. I've been down. I feel I'm somewhere in the middle, but on the higher end and continually moving up. It's all about taking care of the one person who will always be there for me... me. I'm feeling really good about the decisions I'm making and the changes I'm instilling in myself. It's all a learning process, and I've got my thinking cap on! It's tough being the teacher and the student- where's my overtime pay??
My body has desperately been trying to tell me to slow down... and I finally paid attention to the call. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained... and before it gets too out of hand, I need to relax and let everything fall back into its rightful place. I'm feeling better and better each day, and this decision took a huge weight off of my shoulders, figuratively and literally! I was lugging a good 50 lbs of supplies around yesterday for that interview, and I am FEELING it! I need a massage...
Sometimes, life moves a little too quickly to keep up and still maintain sanity. So I'm throwing on the e-brake and letting my mind, body and soul catch up. I'm slowly but surely turning into the woman I have always wanted to be, but in order to do that, I have to make good decisions for myself. The temporary postponement of my promotion is one of them. How can I possibly move into a position I am in no way prepared or developed for? This is only a 1-2 month delay, but just what I need to come into my own as a developing assistant manager. I'm excited for the next few months to finally accomplish the goals I have for my store and my career.
On top of the added stress of this promotion, I actually pushed back music to do this... shame on me! I should NEVER turn my back on the one thing that never lets me down and is always there to renew my self-being. I was reminded of my love and passion for music when my roomie showed me a new style of strumming she discovered she could do... I remember those days- being so excited to share something I learned on guitar. I miss that! She inspired me to get back to my poor, unused and untouched guitar. Now to buy new strings, since my dog so kindly decided to jump on my guitar and break my E string... great, more money to spend that I don't have!
Life is throwing a lot at me, but I'm taking it one step at a time. I've been up. I've been down. I feel I'm somewhere in the middle, but on the higher end and continually moving up. It's all about taking care of the one person who will always be there for me... me. I'm feeling really good about the decisions I'm making and the changes I'm instilling in myself. It's all a learning process, and I've got my thinking cap on! It's tough being the teacher and the student- where's my overtime pay??
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Holy Moly Guacamole!
Well, well, well. What a crazy effin' day! So much to talk about, yet I have to be up in 6 hours. Crahhhp.
Let's just get this out of the way. It's Father's Day. Whoopity-doo. I got to hear about everyone's dads today and how much they love them and blah blah blah. You know, it didn't really bother me that much, to be honest. Not in the sense that I miss my father. I just felt left out of the celebration. So instead, I decided to think about the fathers that I have had in my life.
I'm blessed for my grandfather, who raised me until I was 16. A Texan soul to the core, and a great person. He couldn't care less about technology, loves to laugh, and would be the first one to answer my door with a shotgun, should a boy appear. He instilled a lot of strength and wisdom in me... and taught me to play blackjack. :)
Chris's dad, Marcus. Such an amazing person. A witty sense of humor, hell- sense of being, and intelligence that would blow your mind. He loves math and music as much as I do, so that in itself won me over! I'll never forget when I first met him... I made a crack about the 49ers, and he said, "You know, we own a lot of land out here and no one would miss you." HA! That evil grin was enough for me. Let's just say I cheered the 49ers on when I was there...
Then there's Monte. My dear, sweet Uncle Monte. Oh, how I miss you... let's save that for another blog. Just know I think about you every day, and pray to God you are proud of me.
Okay, with all of that nonsense out of the way... I was reminded today that my true friends and loved ones will always stick up for me. After a crazy loon in my store caused a scene, my good friend and co-worker, Dan, backed me up with some really kind words. He was also there for me last week when I had a slight breakdown at work... Okay. I cried my eyes out. In his arms. What a truly dear friend of mine. Love you Dan!
Then, a very sweet older lady, Laura, came in for her daily frappucino (which basically consists of 4 espresso shots, a tiny splash of nonfat milk, and ice. Yuck). She was already in tears the minute she walked in the door. She has a really hard time dealing with the loss of her parents, poor thing. I'm not sure how long ago she lost them, but I understand feeling that loss as if it happened yesterday. It's been over 5 years since Monte passed, and I swear I think I see him sometimes, and I lose it. So here comes dear Laura, and as she's talking to me, she suddenly says "Give me your dad's cell number! I'm going to call him and tell him what an amazing daughter he's missing out on. Seriously!" I won't even say everything she said, because I find it awkward haha... but she said some seriously amazing things about me. Have I been saying seriously too much? Seriously. Seriously?
Anyways, good things, good day. And now? I. Am. Stressed. With the lack of an expected vehicle and my undying need to procrastinate, I am in quite the pickle! And I really don't like pickles. Seriously. ;) After riding the bus to kinko's- yes, I said KINKO'S! Screw FedEx!- I got on the computer to find out hotmail was not working and everything I had sent to myself to print was inaccessible. Awesome. Now my material for the huge interview that I have Tuesday and was going to meet with my store manager about tomorrow is locked up. Great. Fabulous. Fan-fuckin-tastic. Will Shaneil pull this one off? I have, after all, hit a bump in the road before every meeting I've ever had with this job. And still pulled through. It'll be fine. Right? Right.
Busy, busy day. A lot going through my head, so less wit and more ramble in this entry. I'm all apologies. Wait, no I'm not. Why am I apologizing? Sorry. Shit! Good night.
Let's just get this out of the way. It's Father's Day. Whoopity-doo. I got to hear about everyone's dads today and how much they love them and blah blah blah. You know, it didn't really bother me that much, to be honest. Not in the sense that I miss my father. I just felt left out of the celebration. So instead, I decided to think about the fathers that I have had in my life.
I'm blessed for my grandfather, who raised me until I was 16. A Texan soul to the core, and a great person. He couldn't care less about technology, loves to laugh, and would be the first one to answer my door with a shotgun, should a boy appear. He instilled a lot of strength and wisdom in me... and taught me to play blackjack. :)
Chris's dad, Marcus. Such an amazing person. A witty sense of humor, hell- sense of being, and intelligence that would blow your mind. He loves math and music as much as I do, so that in itself won me over! I'll never forget when I first met him... I made a crack about the 49ers, and he said, "You know, we own a lot of land out here and no one would miss you." HA! That evil grin was enough for me. Let's just say I cheered the 49ers on when I was there...
Then there's Monte. My dear, sweet Uncle Monte. Oh, how I miss you... let's save that for another blog. Just know I think about you every day, and pray to God you are proud of me.
Okay, with all of that nonsense out of the way... I was reminded today that my true friends and loved ones will always stick up for me. After a crazy loon in my store caused a scene, my good friend and co-worker, Dan, backed me up with some really kind words. He was also there for me last week when I had a slight breakdown at work... Okay. I cried my eyes out. In his arms. What a truly dear friend of mine. Love you Dan!
Then, a very sweet older lady, Laura, came in for her daily frappucino (which basically consists of 4 espresso shots, a tiny splash of nonfat milk, and ice. Yuck). She was already in tears the minute she walked in the door. She has a really hard time dealing with the loss of her parents, poor thing. I'm not sure how long ago she lost them, but I understand feeling that loss as if it happened yesterday. It's been over 5 years since Monte passed, and I swear I think I see him sometimes, and I lose it. So here comes dear Laura, and as she's talking to me, she suddenly says "Give me your dad's cell number! I'm going to call him and tell him what an amazing daughter he's missing out on. Seriously!" I won't even say everything she said, because I find it awkward haha... but she said some seriously amazing things about me. Have I been saying seriously too much? Seriously. Seriously?
Anyways, good things, good day. And now? I. Am. Stressed. With the lack of an expected vehicle and my undying need to procrastinate, I am in quite the pickle! And I really don't like pickles. Seriously. ;) After riding the bus to kinko's- yes, I said KINKO'S! Screw FedEx!- I got on the computer to find out hotmail was not working and everything I had sent to myself to print was inaccessible. Awesome. Now my material for the huge interview that I have Tuesday and was going to meet with my store manager about tomorrow is locked up. Great. Fabulous. Fan-fuckin-tastic. Will Shaneil pull this one off? I have, after all, hit a bump in the road before every meeting I've ever had with this job. And still pulled through. It'll be fine. Right? Right.
Busy, busy day. A lot going through my head, so less wit and more ramble in this entry. I'm all apologies. Wait, no I'm not. Why am I apologizing? Sorry. Shit! Good night.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
How Deep Is Your Love?
There comes a time in one's life where you sit back and re-evaluate everything. I think it's called "growing up". Anyways. I took a biiiig step back recently and realized I love everything and everyone around me deeply... except myself. That shit is WHACK! I should be the first person I love, before anyone else. Besides, how can you possibly love someone else if you don't find love for yourself? Maybe this has been my problem all along...
Something I will forever be thankful for is how Chris made me feel about myself. No, no- I'm not dwelling on the guy. Believe me, the decision I made for us was right and I'm happy I did it. I still miss him, though- he is, after all, one of my best friends. But when we were together, he loved me and made me feel like no one else ever has. He truly knew how to make me feel beautiful. We used to have this thing; if you said something bad about yourself, you were ordered to "take it back" or you would be "bopped" on the nose. Seriously. Haha! Ahhh the times I smacked his nose... hey, I got it, too! And it works. If you forget all the crap life throws at you to bring you down, you start to remember that you're good enough for this world. Your head can toy with you... I tend to get lost inside my head sometimes, and overanalyze so much that I start to believe the lies I tell myself. I constantly think I'm not good enough to do the things I love... but I'm finally starting to remember that I am good enough. That I'm worth much more than what I give myself credit for... I feel like I'm reciting this new song I'm writing, seeing as how that's pretty much how it goes. Haha! Man, I feel good tonight. Let's move on.
So, all full of lovin'-me-more-than-ever, I accomplished a few things today. I had work from 8am to 4pm, and work early tomorrow, so I had a small window to get some ish done. It isn't much, but I worked on my interview paperwork, made a list with my own notes on 17 apartments (including phone numbers so I can call Monday!), figured out how I'm going to transfer my cable, and worked on some bills. Nothing to completely cross off of my list yet, but a handful of goals worked on in one way or another. I'm feeling good today. Not great. Not bad. Content. At peace. Tranquil. It's a nice feeling; haven't felt it in a while. Life is life. Love is love. I am me, and that's not changing. It's nice to reconnect with someone I'm spending the rest of my life with! Makes it less awkward.
Something I will forever be thankful for is how Chris made me feel about myself. No, no- I'm not dwelling on the guy. Believe me, the decision I made for us was right and I'm happy I did it. I still miss him, though- he is, after all, one of my best friends. But when we were together, he loved me and made me feel like no one else ever has. He truly knew how to make me feel beautiful. We used to have this thing; if you said something bad about yourself, you were ordered to "take it back" or you would be "bopped" on the nose. Seriously. Haha! Ahhh the times I smacked his nose... hey, I got it, too! And it works. If you forget all the crap life throws at you to bring you down, you start to remember that you're good enough for this world. Your head can toy with you... I tend to get lost inside my head sometimes, and overanalyze so much that I start to believe the lies I tell myself. I constantly think I'm not good enough to do the things I love... but I'm finally starting to remember that I am good enough. That I'm worth much more than what I give myself credit for... I feel like I'm reciting this new song I'm writing, seeing as how that's pretty much how it goes. Haha! Man, I feel good tonight. Let's move on.
So, all full of lovin'-me-more-than-ever, I accomplished a few things today. I had work from 8am to 4pm, and work early tomorrow, so I had a small window to get some ish done. It isn't much, but I worked on my interview paperwork, made a list with my own notes on 17 apartments (including phone numbers so I can call Monday!), figured out how I'm going to transfer my cable, and worked on some bills. Nothing to completely cross off of my list yet, but a handful of goals worked on in one way or another. I'm feeling good today. Not great. Not bad. Content. At peace. Tranquil. It's a nice feeling; haven't felt it in a while. Life is life. Love is love. I am me, and that's not changing. It's nice to reconnect with someone I'm spending the rest of my life with! Makes it less awkward.
Friday, June 17, 2011
New Dawn, New Day, New Life... Part 2
Alllllrighty then- let's try this again, shall we?
Hello, my name is Shaneil, and it has been 12 days since my last post. (Hi, Shaneil). Why, hello. Miss me? Well I missed you! I haven't written anything recently because the things I'm going through right now are a little too daunting to publish on a public forum. But hey, when did that ever stop me before?
Well kids, I've really done it this time! Allowing myself to get too attached to someone, I've been having trouble focusing on anything else. Yup, it's true. I've semi-fallen for someone new, and it's a one-way street to heartache. How could I help but fall for someone who meets almost every quality I've ever looked for in a man? Minus the emotionally unavailable part... minor detail right?? I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to handle. Spending a lot of time with myself lately, I've had PLENTY of time to dwell and overanalyze and pick apart everything about everything. Ah, the joys of being a woman. Men, you're either really skilled at not caring or really good at hiding it. But hey, I'm no idiot. I know where I stand, and although it hurts, I'm working on moving on. Want some more honesty? Feels like I'm getting over two people now... geez louise.
Time just keeps on passing by as I sit and dwell and stew and linger and... wait a minute. Why am I so concerned about other people who aren't even a big part of my life? Isn't this blog all about a new me? Not other people? Not anyone else? Yes, dammit! This is about me. All about me. Me, me, me. I'm more important than anyone else in my life, and I need to start acting like it. So do not fret, my pets. Shaneil is learning more and more each day, and though perspective can be a scary thing, mine is finally coming into focus.
I want to start writing about random topics and stop littering your precious minds with my complaints and woe-is-me's. I want to have news and updates about my life with the hope to bring a smile or a proud grin to your beautiful faces. Yes, I'm sucking up. Don't leave me! I swear I'll emotionally calm down someday! Okay, I don't swear. I unswear. De-leee-ete. But I will get it together here sometime soon... promise.
First step? I have to do something I don't want to do, but need to do. I have a list of these "don't want to, but need to" items. I need to push back some things I've been trying to accomplish for a while now, including music. I have so much to focus on right now, be it my job/promotion or moving in August, and if I don't stay focused on these tasks, I will be in BIG trouble! So, responsibility- you win today. But my dreams are nipping at your time-consuming heels!
Health, apartment, promotion. My trinity of focus right now. Nothing more, nothing less. As soon as these things are in order, I can get back to being the dreamy, emotional, head-in-the-clouds girl that I am. I'm distancing myself from the thorns on the rosebush, taking a big whiff of that sweet nectar, and keeping an eye out for bees. Sometimes you need to mentally slap yourself in the face to wake your ass up to the reality that you're living. My reality is that I have a never-ending list of priorities that have fallen second place to my emotional distress. Healing takes time, and I've been rushing myself. My heart is definitely hurting, but I see the road ahead, aching for the sound of approaching footsteps. Mine. The steps I need to take aren't those I want, but they lead to the ultimate goal in life: happiness. I have to build myself back up to feel on top again. So, from now on, I will post every day with at least one thing I accomplished on my long list of need-to-do's. I have included as much of this list as possible below, in order to have a "check-list" to refer to.
In positive news, I am absolutely THRILLED to be getting my own place soon! This was my original plan when I first moved out of the apartment with Chris and Jono. Then my beautiful best friend came along, in need of living on her own for the first time EVER, and I jumped at the opportunity. It's been an amazing year with an amazing lady, and I love her very much! Nothing but good times with this girl, even with sharing a bedroom. She's like a sister to me, and I will miss her every day. But the thought of having my own space, my very own apartment all to myself and my boys, is something I never thought I would or could accomplish. It's within my grasp and I can hardly wait to taste the freedom and independence of living on my own!
I haven't been very smart with my feelings and emotions, but I'm changing all of that starting today. Okay, maybe tomorrow. After indulging in some innocent venting, it's time to buck up, shut up, and put up. I'm too old to be acting like this. I'm staying true to myself, and only putting effort into those or that which appreciates and/or benefits me. My wit, positivity and overall joie de vivre have faded. Makes me sad. For myself, and hell, for you! Bet you miss actually being entertained by my posts? No worries, my friends- Shaneil's coming back! It's taken a little time, but with every day comes new hope and new perspective. I love you all, but most of all, I love me. I deserve love, so it's about time I showered myself with the love I deserve. Love for the beauty that is me. My accomplishment for today? A renewed faith in the potential within myself. It's about. fuckin'. time.
Goals:
- Save up as much money as possible at all times for apartment!
- Schedule doctor and dentist appointments
- Take pups to the vet
- Finish my promotion binder for upcoming interviews
- Pack up the apartment, be prepared for moving! It's coming up quick! :)
- Throw away any and all junk in this damn place
- Give landlord notice of us moving out
- Buy new work/interview clothes
- Sell Marty :(
- Exchange personal belongings with the ex... ugh.
- Recruit a moving team!
- Pay off some bills
- Have a plan for "moving" internet and cancelling bills I no longer need
That's good for now... wish me luck!
Hello, my name is Shaneil, and it has been 12 days since my last post. (Hi, Shaneil). Why, hello. Miss me? Well I missed you! I haven't written anything recently because the things I'm going through right now are a little too daunting to publish on a public forum. But hey, when did that ever stop me before?
Well kids, I've really done it this time! Allowing myself to get too attached to someone, I've been having trouble focusing on anything else. Yup, it's true. I've semi-fallen for someone new, and it's a one-way street to heartache. How could I help but fall for someone who meets almost every quality I've ever looked for in a man? Minus the emotionally unavailable part... minor detail right?? I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to handle. Spending a lot of time with myself lately, I've had PLENTY of time to dwell and overanalyze and pick apart everything about everything. Ah, the joys of being a woman. Men, you're either really skilled at not caring or really good at hiding it. But hey, I'm no idiot. I know where I stand, and although it hurts, I'm working on moving on. Want some more honesty? Feels like I'm getting over two people now... geez louise.
Time just keeps on passing by as I sit and dwell and stew and linger and... wait a minute. Why am I so concerned about other people who aren't even a big part of my life? Isn't this blog all about a new me? Not other people? Not anyone else? Yes, dammit! This is about me. All about me. Me, me, me. I'm more important than anyone else in my life, and I need to start acting like it. So do not fret, my pets. Shaneil is learning more and more each day, and though perspective can be a scary thing, mine is finally coming into focus.
I want to start writing about random topics and stop littering your precious minds with my complaints and woe-is-me's. I want to have news and updates about my life with the hope to bring a smile or a proud grin to your beautiful faces. Yes, I'm sucking up. Don't leave me! I swear I'll emotionally calm down someday! Okay, I don't swear. I unswear. De-leee-ete. But I will get it together here sometime soon... promise.
First step? I have to do something I don't want to do, but need to do. I have a list of these "don't want to, but need to" items. I need to push back some things I've been trying to accomplish for a while now, including music. I have so much to focus on right now, be it my job/promotion or moving in August, and if I don't stay focused on these tasks, I will be in BIG trouble! So, responsibility- you win today. But my dreams are nipping at your time-consuming heels!
Health, apartment, promotion. My trinity of focus right now. Nothing more, nothing less. As soon as these things are in order, I can get back to being the dreamy, emotional, head-in-the-clouds girl that I am. I'm distancing myself from the thorns on the rosebush, taking a big whiff of that sweet nectar, and keeping an eye out for bees. Sometimes you need to mentally slap yourself in the face to wake your ass up to the reality that you're living. My reality is that I have a never-ending list of priorities that have fallen second place to my emotional distress. Healing takes time, and I've been rushing myself. My heart is definitely hurting, but I see the road ahead, aching for the sound of approaching footsteps. Mine. The steps I need to take aren't those I want, but they lead to the ultimate goal in life: happiness. I have to build myself back up to feel on top again. So, from now on, I will post every day with at least one thing I accomplished on my long list of need-to-do's. I have included as much of this list as possible below, in order to have a "check-list" to refer to.
In positive news, I am absolutely THRILLED to be getting my own place soon! This was my original plan when I first moved out of the apartment with Chris and Jono. Then my beautiful best friend came along, in need of living on her own for the first time EVER, and I jumped at the opportunity. It's been an amazing year with an amazing lady, and I love her very much! Nothing but good times with this girl, even with sharing a bedroom. She's like a sister to me, and I will miss her every day. But the thought of having my own space, my very own apartment all to myself and my boys, is something I never thought I would or could accomplish. It's within my grasp and I can hardly wait to taste the freedom and independence of living on my own!
I haven't been very smart with my feelings and emotions, but I'm changing all of that starting today. Okay, maybe tomorrow. After indulging in some innocent venting, it's time to buck up, shut up, and put up. I'm too old to be acting like this. I'm staying true to myself, and only putting effort into those or that which appreciates and/or benefits me. My wit, positivity and overall joie de vivre have faded. Makes me sad. For myself, and hell, for you! Bet you miss actually being entertained by my posts? No worries, my friends- Shaneil's coming back! It's taken a little time, but with every day comes new hope and new perspective. I love you all, but most of all, I love me. I deserve love, so it's about time I showered myself with the love I deserve. Love for the beauty that is me. My accomplishment for today? A renewed faith in the potential within myself. It's about. fuckin'. time.
Goals:
- Save up as much money as possible at all times for apartment!
- Schedule doctor and dentist appointments
- Take pups to the vet
- Finish my promotion binder for upcoming interviews
- Pack up the apartment, be prepared for moving! It's coming up quick! :)
- Throw away any and all junk in this damn place
- Give landlord notice of us moving out
- Buy new work/interview clothes
- Sell Marty :(
- Exchange personal belongings with the ex... ugh.
- Recruit a moving team!
- Pay off some bills
- Have a plan for "moving" internet and cancelling bills I no longer need
That's good for now... wish me luck!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
A Good Cry & A Heavy Sigh
Siiiiiiiiigh. Yes, I cried myself to sleep last night. No, I'm not ashamed. Yes, it felt fuckin' great.
It's a new day for me! I'm still a little shaken by recent events, but I awoke with a new sense of being. I wanted this. I asked for this. This is what I chose. I have plans and goals to accomplish, and it's about time I got to it! I've noticed I've been ending a lot of sentences with prepositions. It bothers me. Oh well.
I feel inspired to write, but I'm also not aching to... The online world and this blog have been a crutch for me lately. I want to keep writing, though, because it releases a lot for me and it's good practice and motivation for writing my music. And I love writing. But I want to be proud and excited to write, not moaning and groaning about my problems. I want to have news and updates and new theories and go back to the way I felt when I first started this blog. But hey, what's one more post with feelings in it...hmm?
I will always write about my true feelings, what I'm really thinking. It's tough to say out loud, but writing is an outlet for my inner truths. I'm no liar by any means, but I struggle saying how I truly feel sometimes. For instance, why can't the one person I'm interested in be interested back? How's that for honesty? Would make my life much easier. Ha! I need to start going out, meeting people, hell- even dating. Dwelling on the things I can't control isn't getting me anywhere, and I'm getting nowhere fast. It's time to create the life I left Chris for. In no way do I mean that harshly... we had a good life. But it wasn't what I wanted. I'm 5 months in, and crying myself to sleep because he found someone and, though not moved on, is dating and attempting to create something different, even something better for himself. So what the hell am I doing? Trying to be friends with my ex? Dwelling on the very first person who comes along? Sitting on the internet for hours? Too lazy to go anywhere because I ride the ever-so-lovely bus? Well, gee- how pathetic am I? Let's move on.
I'm not at 100%, but the temperature's rising! I'm facing emotional obstacles that I knew I would eventually face. It's a whole new ballgame now, but I was aware of circumstances that would, as they do, eventually rise up and slap me in the face. Doesn't make them easy, but I was prepared. This last one hit me much harder than I expected, but it also opened my eyes to where I really stand emotionally. I need a life. Reiterated so nicely by a friend of mine, the last thought on my mind right before I fell asleep was: "Shit. He's right." When I awoke, I was somber, but not sad. I was silent, but not shut off. I was just there. I took a look around, and gave a big sigh. Siiiiiigh.
There is so much more for me out there than this empty room and dismal life. You know when someone tells you to just "get over it"? Done. I'm moving forward with my life, and this time, it's for real. No more faking my way through what I call my "life". This is not to say that I don't feel I've accomplished anything. OH no! I'm proud to be where I am with my "day job". I've worked hard, made friends, and moved up quickly. I'm proud of this blog. Even one person commenting or reading it would have made me feel proud. To have a handful of followers (including people who aren't actually "following" per the "followers" list), a family member I haven't spoken to in years repost it, encouraging others to read; and encouragement through comments here and there from dear friends, I'd say I have something to be proud of here. I'm proud of my music. Yes, my ridiculous fear and anxiety have ruined my first attempt at a practice, but I know what I need to accomplish it and I'm just going to have to fight for it. But I've been writing. Not only writing, but writing songs I'm proud of. I feel my writing has improved, though of course, I would like it to improve MUCH more. I'm on a streak, and it feels good. NOW. To go out to open mics and actually perform it! Hmm... other people go to these open mics, correct? People I could befriend? Well, golly gee willakers, Shaneil! See what could potentially happen when you stop being such a pansy?
Life isn't always easy. We all know this. I've faced some tough, tough situations for such the emotional gal I am, but I'm pushing through and making the best of it all. There's a world of potential inside of this emotional basket-case, and it's dying to express itself. The only thing holding me back... is me. Well, back off...um. Me! Myself! And I... don't even GET me started.
It's a new day for me! I'm still a little shaken by recent events, but I awoke with a new sense of being. I wanted this. I asked for this. This is what I chose. I have plans and goals to accomplish, and it's about time I got to it! I've noticed I've been ending a lot of sentences with prepositions. It bothers me. Oh well.
I feel inspired to write, but I'm also not aching to... The online world and this blog have been a crutch for me lately. I want to keep writing, though, because it releases a lot for me and it's good practice and motivation for writing my music. And I love writing. But I want to be proud and excited to write, not moaning and groaning about my problems. I want to have news and updates and new theories and go back to the way I felt when I first started this blog. But hey, what's one more post with feelings in it...hmm?
I will always write about my true feelings, what I'm really thinking. It's tough to say out loud, but writing is an outlet for my inner truths. I'm no liar by any means, but I struggle saying how I truly feel sometimes. For instance, why can't the one person I'm interested in be interested back? How's that for honesty? Would make my life much easier. Ha! I need to start going out, meeting people, hell- even dating. Dwelling on the things I can't control isn't getting me anywhere, and I'm getting nowhere fast. It's time to create the life I left Chris for. In no way do I mean that harshly... we had a good life. But it wasn't what I wanted. I'm 5 months in, and crying myself to sleep because he found someone and, though not moved on, is dating and attempting to create something different, even something better for himself. So what the hell am I doing? Trying to be friends with my ex? Dwelling on the very first person who comes along? Sitting on the internet for hours? Too lazy to go anywhere because I ride the ever-so-lovely bus? Well, gee- how pathetic am I? Let's move on.
I'm not at 100%, but the temperature's rising! I'm facing emotional obstacles that I knew I would eventually face. It's a whole new ballgame now, but I was aware of circumstances that would, as they do, eventually rise up and slap me in the face. Doesn't make them easy, but I was prepared. This last one hit me much harder than I expected, but it also opened my eyes to where I really stand emotionally. I need a life. Reiterated so nicely by a friend of mine, the last thought on my mind right before I fell asleep was: "Shit. He's right." When I awoke, I was somber, but not sad. I was silent, but not shut off. I was just there. I took a look around, and gave a big sigh. Siiiiiigh.
There is so much more for me out there than this empty room and dismal life. You know when someone tells you to just "get over it"? Done. I'm moving forward with my life, and this time, it's for real. No more faking my way through what I call my "life". This is not to say that I don't feel I've accomplished anything. OH no! I'm proud to be where I am with my "day job". I've worked hard, made friends, and moved up quickly. I'm proud of this blog. Even one person commenting or reading it would have made me feel proud. To have a handful of followers (including people who aren't actually "following" per the "followers" list), a family member I haven't spoken to in years repost it, encouraging others to read; and encouragement through comments here and there from dear friends, I'd say I have something to be proud of here. I'm proud of my music. Yes, my ridiculous fear and anxiety have ruined my first attempt at a practice, but I know what I need to accomplish it and I'm just going to have to fight for it. But I've been writing. Not only writing, but writing songs I'm proud of. I feel my writing has improved, though of course, I would like it to improve MUCH more. I'm on a streak, and it feels good. NOW. To go out to open mics and actually perform it! Hmm... other people go to these open mics, correct? People I could befriend? Well, golly gee willakers, Shaneil! See what could potentially happen when you stop being such a pansy?
Life isn't always easy. We all know this. I've faced some tough, tough situations for such the emotional gal I am, but I'm pushing through and making the best of it all. There's a world of potential inside of this emotional basket-case, and it's dying to express itself. The only thing holding me back... is me. Well, back off...um. Me! Myself! And I... don't even GET me started.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
I'm Already Torn...
I never thought it would hurt this much. I never knew how alone and sad I am. From left field, here comes the truth, smacking me straight in the face.
It's interesting how on point my instincts can be... walking up the stairs to my apartment after a good night at work, I felt a strange "pit-in-my-stomach" feeling... like something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, seeing as how I've been feeling really good the last week or so. Then I got the email. The email saying my ex has met someone he really likes. The email saying he has been seeing her for a couple of weeks. The email that sends me straight into tears. But why? No, I don't want to get back together. No, I'm not jealous. Okay, a little jealous. I just miss the guy so damn much, and now someone else gets his time... his affection... and what do I have? An empty apartment and a non-existant love-life. Jesus, could I feel more sorry for myself?
I've been in "long-term" relationships before, but never for 5 years. Never with someone I lived with. Never with someone who loved me so much. He always said I would find someone first... yet here I am, alone and depressed, while he goes on dates with some girl he met just after we broke up. Don't I have a right to feel this way? Do I need to justify the pain? Am I not entitled to be upset? I don't know, but I feel the way I feel. And I don't like it... Not. One. Bit.
I preach and preach and advise and advise, yet when life throws a curveball at me, I go against everything I teach. I know I should be happy for him... and I am. A little. I guess I'm just more sad for me than anything. I know, I know- "Grow up. Deal with it. You wanted this, remember?" Yeah, well, I did. I do. I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's no fun. It's lonely. Go figure.
This is definitely a pathetic post. My sincerest apologies. I'm in a bad place right now... I can't seem to focus on what matters. Instead, I dwell and dwell and feel nothing but the loneliness of it all... it doesn't help that my roommate is never home and the only friendships I maintain are those I have at work... and they stay at work. I rarely go out, thanks to my schedule and lack of a vehicle. I haven't met anyone (who is also interested in me, I should state), and up until this point, was slightly reluctant to due to my concern for my ex's feelings. Well, so much for that! ...I should shut up. This is silly.
I know things will get better. I know I will eventually meet someone who makes me feel alive again. I know I need to just buck up and let it all go. I know, I know, I know. I can't control my feelings, though- and tonight, they feel low. VERY low. C'est la fuckin' vie, n'est-ce pas? I need a drink. And a date. Any takers?
It's interesting how on point my instincts can be... walking up the stairs to my apartment after a good night at work, I felt a strange "pit-in-my-stomach" feeling... like something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, seeing as how I've been feeling really good the last week or so. Then I got the email. The email saying my ex has met someone he really likes. The email saying he has been seeing her for a couple of weeks. The email that sends me straight into tears. But why? No, I don't want to get back together. No, I'm not jealous. Okay, a little jealous. I just miss the guy so damn much, and now someone else gets his time... his affection... and what do I have? An empty apartment and a non-existant love-life. Jesus, could I feel more sorry for myself?
I've been in "long-term" relationships before, but never for 5 years. Never with someone I lived with. Never with someone who loved me so much. He always said I would find someone first... yet here I am, alone and depressed, while he goes on dates with some girl he met just after we broke up. Don't I have a right to feel this way? Do I need to justify the pain? Am I not entitled to be upset? I don't know, but I feel the way I feel. And I don't like it... Not. One. Bit.
I preach and preach and advise and advise, yet when life throws a curveball at me, I go against everything I teach. I know I should be happy for him... and I am. A little. I guess I'm just more sad for me than anything. I know, I know- "Grow up. Deal with it. You wanted this, remember?" Yeah, well, I did. I do. I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's no fun. It's lonely. Go figure.
This is definitely a pathetic post. My sincerest apologies. I'm in a bad place right now... I can't seem to focus on what matters. Instead, I dwell and dwell and feel nothing but the loneliness of it all... it doesn't help that my roommate is never home and the only friendships I maintain are those I have at work... and they stay at work. I rarely go out, thanks to my schedule and lack of a vehicle. I haven't met anyone (who is also interested in me, I should state), and up until this point, was slightly reluctant to due to my concern for my ex's feelings. Well, so much for that! ...I should shut up. This is silly.
I know things will get better. I know I will eventually meet someone who makes me feel alive again. I know I need to just buck up and let it all go. I know, I know, I know. I can't control my feelings, though- and tonight, they feel low. VERY low. C'est la fuckin' vie, n'est-ce pas? I need a drink. And a date. Any takers?
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