Ohhh, what a silly little woman I am! Looking back on everything, I keep seeing the "signs". I feel like one of the characters from "He's Just Not That Into You". I had outside perspectives, similar situations, and the undying hope of something happening- all clouding my mind. Blinded by like...
Sometimes, we want something so bad, we ignore the signs. When you're grasping onto any kind of hope, you tend to only see and hear what you want. All directions pointed to "never gonna happen", but I would take the smallest inkling of possibility and run with it... never looking back at the mess I left behind. Kind of makes me want to kick myself in the ass... but again, it's just another lesson learned. No need to berate myself for following my heart, just need to remember to keep my head on straight in the process.
I keep flashing back to random memories, and end up laughing to myself about the evidence I refused to see... so much makes sense now. So. Much. It actually feels good to look back and recognize what I couldn't back then... I feel like I'm reliving the entire course of events, with a brand new perspective. Boy, was I way off track! Such is this crazy life we're living...
It's been such a rollercoaster ride of a year, up and down and side to side and... ugh, it's making me sick. Haven't I already said I don't like rollercoasters??? Sheesh! I'm planting my feet back on the ground and staying there, damn it! So much and yet so little has happened... but it's all pushing me in the direction that I need to be headed. I'm learning lessons and picking up new tricks along the way. My perspective is completely revamped and I'm reentering my world with hope, courage, love and self-worth. Most importantly, I'm no longer ignoring the signs. The universe has my back if I choose to listen, so I'm all ears. Literally. I had surgery to replace my limbs with extra ears- you can never be too prepared! Or... prepEARed...? Okay, that was a stretch. This is why I write at night.
Showing posts with label perspective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label perspective. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
New Dawn, New Day, New Life... Part 2
Alllllrighty then- let's try this again, shall we?
Hello, my name is Shaneil, and it has been 12 days since my last post. (Hi, Shaneil). Why, hello. Miss me? Well I missed you! I haven't written anything recently because the things I'm going through right now are a little too daunting to publish on a public forum. But hey, when did that ever stop me before?
Well kids, I've really done it this time! Allowing myself to get too attached to someone, I've been having trouble focusing on anything else. Yup, it's true. I've semi-fallen for someone new, and it's a one-way street to heartache. How could I help but fall for someone who meets almost every quality I've ever looked for in a man? Minus the emotionally unavailable part... minor detail right?? I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to handle. Spending a lot of time with myself lately, I've had PLENTY of time to dwell and overanalyze and pick apart everything about everything. Ah, the joys of being a woman. Men, you're either really skilled at not caring or really good at hiding it. But hey, I'm no idiot. I know where I stand, and although it hurts, I'm working on moving on. Want some more honesty? Feels like I'm getting over two people now... geez louise.
Time just keeps on passing by as I sit and dwell and stew and linger and... wait a minute. Why am I so concerned about other people who aren't even a big part of my life? Isn't this blog all about a new me? Not other people? Not anyone else? Yes, dammit! This is about me. All about me. Me, me, me. I'm more important than anyone else in my life, and I need to start acting like it. So do not fret, my pets. Shaneil is learning more and more each day, and though perspective can be a scary thing, mine is finally coming into focus.
I want to start writing about random topics and stop littering your precious minds with my complaints and woe-is-me's. I want to have news and updates about my life with the hope to bring a smile or a proud grin to your beautiful faces. Yes, I'm sucking up. Don't leave me! I swear I'll emotionally calm down someday! Okay, I don't swear. I unswear. De-leee-ete. But I will get it together here sometime soon... promise.
First step? I have to do something I don't want to do, but need to do. I have a list of these "don't want to, but need to" items. I need to push back some things I've been trying to accomplish for a while now, including music. I have so much to focus on right now, be it my job/promotion or moving in August, and if I don't stay focused on these tasks, I will be in BIG trouble! So, responsibility- you win today. But my dreams are nipping at your time-consuming heels!
Health, apartment, promotion. My trinity of focus right now. Nothing more, nothing less. As soon as these things are in order, I can get back to being the dreamy, emotional, head-in-the-clouds girl that I am. I'm distancing myself from the thorns on the rosebush, taking a big whiff of that sweet nectar, and keeping an eye out for bees. Sometimes you need to mentally slap yourself in the face to wake your ass up to the reality that you're living. My reality is that I have a never-ending list of priorities that have fallen second place to my emotional distress. Healing takes time, and I've been rushing myself. My heart is definitely hurting, but I see the road ahead, aching for the sound of approaching footsteps. Mine. The steps I need to take aren't those I want, but they lead to the ultimate goal in life: happiness. I have to build myself back up to feel on top again. So, from now on, I will post every day with at least one thing I accomplished on my long list of need-to-do's. I have included as much of this list as possible below, in order to have a "check-list" to refer to.
In positive news, I am absolutely THRILLED to be getting my own place soon! This was my original plan when I first moved out of the apartment with Chris and Jono. Then my beautiful best friend came along, in need of living on her own for the first time EVER, and I jumped at the opportunity. It's been an amazing year with an amazing lady, and I love her very much! Nothing but good times with this girl, even with sharing a bedroom. She's like a sister to me, and I will miss her every day. But the thought of having my own space, my very own apartment all to myself and my boys, is something I never thought I would or could accomplish. It's within my grasp and I can hardly wait to taste the freedom and independence of living on my own!
I haven't been very smart with my feelings and emotions, but I'm changing all of that starting today. Okay, maybe tomorrow. After indulging in some innocent venting, it's time to buck up, shut up, and put up. I'm too old to be acting like this. I'm staying true to myself, and only putting effort into those or that which appreciates and/or benefits me. My wit, positivity and overall joie de vivre have faded. Makes me sad. For myself, and hell, for you! Bet you miss actually being entertained by my posts? No worries, my friends- Shaneil's coming back! It's taken a little time, but with every day comes new hope and new perspective. I love you all, but most of all, I love me. I deserve love, so it's about time I showered myself with the love I deserve. Love for the beauty that is me. My accomplishment for today? A renewed faith in the potential within myself. It's about. fuckin'. time.
Goals:
- Save up as much money as possible at all times for apartment!
- Schedule doctor and dentist appointments
- Take pups to the vet
- Finish my promotion binder for upcoming interviews
- Pack up the apartment, be prepared for moving! It's coming up quick! :)
- Throw away any and all junk in this damn place
- Give landlord notice of us moving out
- Buy new work/interview clothes
- Sell Marty :(
- Exchange personal belongings with the ex... ugh.
- Recruit a moving team!
- Pay off some bills
- Have a plan for "moving" internet and cancelling bills I no longer need
That's good for now... wish me luck!
Hello, my name is Shaneil, and it has been 12 days since my last post. (Hi, Shaneil). Why, hello. Miss me? Well I missed you! I haven't written anything recently because the things I'm going through right now are a little too daunting to publish on a public forum. But hey, when did that ever stop me before?
Well kids, I've really done it this time! Allowing myself to get too attached to someone, I've been having trouble focusing on anything else. Yup, it's true. I've semi-fallen for someone new, and it's a one-way street to heartache. How could I help but fall for someone who meets almost every quality I've ever looked for in a man? Minus the emotionally unavailable part... minor detail right?? I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to handle. Spending a lot of time with myself lately, I've had PLENTY of time to dwell and overanalyze and pick apart everything about everything. Ah, the joys of being a woman. Men, you're either really skilled at not caring or really good at hiding it. But hey, I'm no idiot. I know where I stand, and although it hurts, I'm working on moving on. Want some more honesty? Feels like I'm getting over two people now... geez louise.
Time just keeps on passing by as I sit and dwell and stew and linger and... wait a minute. Why am I so concerned about other people who aren't even a big part of my life? Isn't this blog all about a new me? Not other people? Not anyone else? Yes, dammit! This is about me. All about me. Me, me, me. I'm more important than anyone else in my life, and I need to start acting like it. So do not fret, my pets. Shaneil is learning more and more each day, and though perspective can be a scary thing, mine is finally coming into focus.
I want to start writing about random topics and stop littering your precious minds with my complaints and woe-is-me's. I want to have news and updates about my life with the hope to bring a smile or a proud grin to your beautiful faces. Yes, I'm sucking up. Don't leave me! I swear I'll emotionally calm down someday! Okay, I don't swear. I unswear. De-leee-ete. But I will get it together here sometime soon... promise.
First step? I have to do something I don't want to do, but need to do. I have a list of these "don't want to, but need to" items. I need to push back some things I've been trying to accomplish for a while now, including music. I have so much to focus on right now, be it my job/promotion or moving in August, and if I don't stay focused on these tasks, I will be in BIG trouble! So, responsibility- you win today. But my dreams are nipping at your time-consuming heels!
Health, apartment, promotion. My trinity of focus right now. Nothing more, nothing less. As soon as these things are in order, I can get back to being the dreamy, emotional, head-in-the-clouds girl that I am. I'm distancing myself from the thorns on the rosebush, taking a big whiff of that sweet nectar, and keeping an eye out for bees. Sometimes you need to mentally slap yourself in the face to wake your ass up to the reality that you're living. My reality is that I have a never-ending list of priorities that have fallen second place to my emotional distress. Healing takes time, and I've been rushing myself. My heart is definitely hurting, but I see the road ahead, aching for the sound of approaching footsteps. Mine. The steps I need to take aren't those I want, but they lead to the ultimate goal in life: happiness. I have to build myself back up to feel on top again. So, from now on, I will post every day with at least one thing I accomplished on my long list of need-to-do's. I have included as much of this list as possible below, in order to have a "check-list" to refer to.
In positive news, I am absolutely THRILLED to be getting my own place soon! This was my original plan when I first moved out of the apartment with Chris and Jono. Then my beautiful best friend came along, in need of living on her own for the first time EVER, and I jumped at the opportunity. It's been an amazing year with an amazing lady, and I love her very much! Nothing but good times with this girl, even with sharing a bedroom. She's like a sister to me, and I will miss her every day. But the thought of having my own space, my very own apartment all to myself and my boys, is something I never thought I would or could accomplish. It's within my grasp and I can hardly wait to taste the freedom and independence of living on my own!
I haven't been very smart with my feelings and emotions, but I'm changing all of that starting today. Okay, maybe tomorrow. After indulging in some innocent venting, it's time to buck up, shut up, and put up. I'm too old to be acting like this. I'm staying true to myself, and only putting effort into those or that which appreciates and/or benefits me. My wit, positivity and overall joie de vivre have faded. Makes me sad. For myself, and hell, for you! Bet you miss actually being entertained by my posts? No worries, my friends- Shaneil's coming back! It's taken a little time, but with every day comes new hope and new perspective. I love you all, but most of all, I love me. I deserve love, so it's about time I showered myself with the love I deserve. Love for the beauty that is me. My accomplishment for today? A renewed faith in the potential within myself. It's about. fuckin'. time.
Goals:
- Save up as much money as possible at all times for apartment!
- Schedule doctor and dentist appointments
- Take pups to the vet
- Finish my promotion binder for upcoming interviews
- Pack up the apartment, be prepared for moving! It's coming up quick! :)
- Throw away any and all junk in this damn place
- Give landlord notice of us moving out
- Buy new work/interview clothes
- Sell Marty :(
- Exchange personal belongings with the ex... ugh.
- Recruit a moving team!
- Pay off some bills
- Have a plan for "moving" internet and cancelling bills I no longer need
That's good for now... wish me luck!
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