Walk Hard

It's been a while, so this might be a long one. Get comfortable!



Man, am I slacking! One week with no posts, and I even received a complaint about it... :) ... I think I like that. Ha!

It's been a tough week for me... a LOT happened and I've been struggling with it. I never realized how scary it is for me to be alone. In doing so, I've been learning a lot about myself... and I'm not exactly pleased with all of my findings. But part of what keeps me level-headed is taking my flaws, accepting them, then embracing whatever good I find in them. The rest? Well. Deal with it. I can't change it overnight, but I'm workin' on it. Promise.

I was living for my relationship, and now I'm living for me. Just little ol' me. A bit overwhelming, seeing as how I want a lot for myself, but tend to lack the motivation or drive to get it. Without someone there to push me all of the time, I find difficulty getting off my ass and doing something. I must say, though, that I have been discovering drive I never knew existed within me... but without someone there as a constant support system, I haven't handled the obstacles I've faced so far with the best care. Care for me. Hmm. Why can't I just be happy alone? Confident alone? I am happiest when I'm with someone. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I face in life, it's that reassurance that someone is still there waiting for you at the end of the day. It's been really tough to let that go. I'm fully aware that this is good for me, though. When I'm committed to someone, I am there 100%, and sometimes I forget about the other important things in my life; like me. So me needs to get over me and start paying attention to me. Seriously.

My biggest-absolutely-seriously-annoying-thorn-in-my-side fear and passion is music. Music and I have a love-hate relationship. A very dramatic love-hate relationship. When it's love, it's diving into writing a song that brings me to tears; discovering a pattern that opens up a whole new chapter with my guitar; learning a song I never dreamed I could ever play. And when it's hate, it's clamming up in front of people; getting frustrated with guitar and setting it down for FAR too long; not having the confidence to pursue opportunities that have knocked and knocked and knocked... and knocked. But there I am- sitting in the corner of the room plugging my ears! Why? WHY??! Because I suck at life. I'm a wuss. I don't believe in myself like other people do... though I know I should. Do you have a solution? Because I sure don't... YET.

I've been perusing other people's blogs, some friends and some strangers; and it seems like everyone is trying to figure out what the heck they're doing and where they're going in life. Does it ever end? Or are we always searching for something else? Something more? Something better? Or something different? Are we ever just content with our lives? Or should I say, content with being content with our lives? So much complaining... to the point where people become bitter and forget what's important. I try not to let the things I don't have outweigh the things I do have... because I have a lot. I'm aware of this. I'm thankful for this. But as any normal human being would, I've had some bad moments along with the good. This last week was one big, bad moment. For the most part. There was some good in there, but so much happened that I thought I was losing myself for a second... I felt like my life was slowly slipping out of my control- and we know I like control! So I took the last two days for their full advantage and made some rearrangements in my tangible life- and emotional life.

Along with cleaning my entire apartment (including pups!), I took the time to really mull over some...feelings...I've been having and make peace with them. Without going into too much detail, I was in a weird place with someone. Still sort of am, but these kinds of situations take a little time to balance out. A few or more days ago, I took some time to myself (as in, not on the internet- shocking, I know!) and put myself on the outside, looking in. And I realized- girls, or at least girls who have been treated as I have, are so used to being treated a certain way- that when someone comes along and actually shows them some respect, they automatically assume this person is interested in them. So these nice, decent, human boys are adored from afar because they treated some girl how she deserves to be treated... and we pounce on that! It's nearly impossible to find people like that anymore. I guess I'm just more aware than ever how little I've ever been treated how I feel I should be. That was worded very oddly...did it make sense? The point is, the friendship is what's really special to me. I consider myself extremely blessed to have met this person for many reasons. You can't win 'em all, but I got one hell of a consolation prize!

I can honestly say that I'm truly happy right now. I don't have everything I want, but I'm making baby steps towards a better me every day. Through a series of emotional events, and I'm sure more to come, I'm learning how to be happy alone and embrace myself for what I'm worth and what I'm capable of. I'm learning how to push myself and find inspiration to achieve more in my life. It's a tough journey, but I'm facing new challenges and gaining new strength. It's harsh on my feet walking this road... but I'm walking. Hard. Down life's... rocky road.......? Have I taken it too far? Or does anyone else want to watch Walk Hard and eat ice cream right now?

Ahhh... Life Strikes Again

Man, oh man. What a weekend... I am definitely feeling a lot right now. A lot of crap. A lot of okay. Some good. Just everything. Feeling everything. A bit overwhelming, but I think everything's going to be fine. Sometimes you just hit those big bumps in the road, so you throw it into 4-wheel drive and push through. That's what I'm going to do. That's what I need to do.

I've made some choices lately that I don't regret, but everything has its cause and effect. Some good, some bad. One in particular had a bit more bad to it, but I can only look forward. I've been struggling to straighten this noggin' on a little tighter, and things are finally coming into focus. I'm in the process of making peace with a few things, and it's definitely a battle. All I can do is keep my head high and heart strong and move on. It's strange, I never thought it would make a difference, but I've never been a single adult. I really grew up in my relationship with Chris. We both did. But I've never experienced single life as an adult... there are different daily life situations that you experience, and I'm new to it all. It's good for me to face them, though- it's all a part of growing up, experiencing, and learning. It's tough, though. Especially when you're on one end of a "situation" while simultaneously on the other end of another "situation". That's gonna be a toughie! I need a vacation. No- distractions.

I'm a feeler. I feel so much, for so much. I guess that's called emotional. Explains my music/writing. I'm not afraid to let down my walls and let people in. Well, most people. Some people make me ridiculously shy. Not sure why, but it's annoying. I just wanna be me! But we all know Shaneil has anxiety. Moving forward...

I have a lot to focus on right now, but I'm starting to question what's really important to me in life. I only have one, and I don't want to waste it feeling like I'm settling. But settling for what? What am I striving for? I'm slowly figuring it out... but emotions are screwing me up. They tend to override rational mind. But I follow my heart. I can't help it. It's who I am. So I'm working towards that steady balance and readjusting my state of mind. It's time to look at things as how they are. Reality. Bites.

Well, I'm chewing into something myself. It's a big shiny apple called "opportunity". Opportunity to salvage and maintain some long-lasting friendships. Opportunity to make some decent money and get my finances in order (plus pay for some things I so desperately need!). Opportunity to do something with my music. Opportunity is bangin' like a lunatic on my damn door, and it's time I answered. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...just keep swimming. Swim, swim, SWIM! And swim. And swim. And fuck my arms are tired. Maybe I should start working out, too? Sheesh.

Ready... Aim... ACTION!

Ahh... a little more pressure to brighten up my day! How delightful. Actually, it is quite delightful. I've heard some good news on my upcoming promotion, and already received a little "boost" to my pay... and I have my first "rehearsal/writing/practice" session thing on Friday with my pal, Nick Reiter. Mentioned before, this guy is quite the talented guitarist, and has so graciously agreed to play on my demo. So- myself, my acoustic guitar rhythms, and Nick's amazing leads will be what you hear. I'm really excited to get something recorded, and this is the first practice, so I'm anxious and nerrrrrrrrrrvous. Of course. Why wouldn't I be? For one, I'm always nervous performing, especially in front of one person. And especially in front of someone so passionate and knowledgeable on the subject. Yup. Steamroller of pressure. But I'm diving in head-first, reminding myself that if I push through, I'll eventually relax, get comfortable, and just do my thing. Hopefully. Shit.

I'm trying to get my priorities straight. Trying to focus (discussed). Under pressure (discussed). Cleaning house (discussed). Siiiigh. It's hard to think of new topics when everything surrounding me is the same shit. I need a change of pace. This demo is certainly one; something I've been talking about for 8 or 9 months, and fiiinally I'm doing it. Well, preparing to, which is the first step in the right direction. I'm working hard at my job, and moving along quickly. The house is in good order, a routine is set (for the most part- I do work in customer service with different hours all the time). My life is coming into focus. I've messed with that damn lens for a long time! But I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm racing towards it with all of my might. Well, most of it- I still have distractions and apprehensions and blah blah blah... but I'm making moves in the direction of good for my life, and that feels good. My heart... is healing. It takes time, but it's staying positive and hopeful for the future.

The clouds have gathered, the rain has poured. I've built myself an umbrella of hope, love and perseverance, and I'm walking through life day by day, step by step. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I greatly dislike repeating in my writing. But I do it. A lot. And then complain about it....... so I was saying?

It's interesting- I have these weird... "things" I do... to remind myself of how good I have it and keep my perspective straight. For instance, if you are a fellow Hulu subscriber, you are familiar with the option to say 'yes' or 'no' to ads you prefer and do not. I usually watch a good portion of the ad, and then decide whether I would want to watch it again or not. (Now, I started off just saying 'no' to everything in the hopes the ads would disappear. As luck would naturally have it, they do not disappear. Ever. So I'm rollin' with the punches...) Whenever an ad comes on regarding charity work or organizations to help the needy, I say 'yes'. They get to me. They make me feel. They make me ache. They remind me of how people really have it. I'm inspired to be better, I'm inspired to help, and I'm inspired to continue on with a positive outlook on life. And so I persist...

So what the hell is my point? When focused on what really matters, your eyes direct the movie you script yourself, and your happy ending comes to you. Life's not always perfect, but the ride- the journey- the adventure of life is the happy ending. Always striving towards what makes you truly happy. What makes your life better. What makes you a better person. Follow your heart, stay level-headed and true to yourself, and love. Love, love, love. And damn it, learn an instrument!

Ramble On!

Okay. I know. I've been having a lot of these "not sure what the hell I'm talking about yet" posts lately, buuuut. Yeah. There again. Need to write, but what about?? I don't even know what color to pick yet! Okay, umm.....there. Yes, I looked back at my blog to make sure I haven't used this color too recently. Yes, I'm a little weird. Are you really just finding this out?

Anywho, life is good. Life is great. Blah, blah, blah. Hip-hip hooray. Whatever. I had a great day today, but something's still missing. Well, my roommate, for one! Where is she? But something not tangible is missing...something I can't see or touch. Something I need to feel. What the hell is it? Would probably help me title this puppy!

Sometimes you sit back and look at the world and allow a little bit too much bad into your head. I think I've done this today. Took much darkness was cast over my big, beautiful, blue sky. The world is a scary place, yes. It also holds a world of possibilities. I try not to get too involved with politics and whatnot. Some say it's wrong. Some don't blame me. In any case, I just can't handle too much bad. (It's all bullshit to me. Pardonez my French. But it is. I just can't confine myself to one side of things. I always have to look at both sides and try to see every angle. It's probably why it's so easy for me to talk to and meet people. When I go out, I'm social butterfly! Fluttering my yappy self all over the place! Then I learn to refrain, and listen. Promise. Just let me say this one mor-)

In my second to last post, I ended with a line about learning what to embrace, accept and filter. I embrace love. I embrace music... kindness... humor, etc. I accept my flaws and those in others. I filter the bullshit of life. Politics, stereotypes, hate, etc. There are so many different things thrown at us on a day-to-day basis, so I just organize them into little groups. What really matters? What's worth my time? What will never change? What do I have the power to control? I keep an organized mind. I have to! There's wayyyy too much goin' on up there! I'm trying to stay focused on the beauty of life and the richness I have savored through positive thinking and holding on to love and music. They are my driving forces through life. But sometimes, a conversation or a news story or a daily occurrence triggers my mental path for the day towards negative emotions. I had a fabulous time with a dear friend tonight, but part of our conversation was based around the bullshit of life, be it cover-ups, the government, today's music- whatever. Yes, I have my own opinions on these matters, but I rarely discuss them or bring them up because some people either can't handle those kinds of conversations, or know WAY more than I do and I end up sitting there saying..."Yeah. I see what you mean. Sure, yeah." No, I don't know a lot about politics. Sorry. No, I've never voted. Sue me. I know I should care more, but I don't.

The point is, my friend and I were discussing matters that lie deeper than that. And the thing is, a lot of what she said made sense. A lot of it I already knew. Some of it was too ridiculous to fathom. But, I am, have and always will be a firm believer in the possibility of anything. There is so much out there we don't understand- how could we possibly know for sure anything? So you usually hear me say, "Hey, it could happen" with a shrug. But tonight, it struck a chord within me. A really ugly chord. It got my mind racing and my imagination diving into places I don't want it to be. So even though I need to be up quite early tomorrow morning, I decided to sit here for an hour and write. So my sincerest apologies to anyone reading. This may not be what you expected. A little less witty, a little more loopy. A little all over the place. Like I said, my mind is racing. Racing towards the finish line. The final thought. The sigh of relief. The epiphany. A-ha! The feeling I'm missing... Comfort. I don't feel comfortable in this world tonight. It's just one of those nights. Those nights when you feel a little more alone. A little more helpless. A little more afraid. But I know I'm doing my part to try and make it better. It may not be much to most, but to those I touch, it is. The warmth I feel from people is no accident. I'm happy when everyone else is, remember? So I push forward to a new day. I remember my values and worth. I embrace the love of others. I embrace life. The bullshit of the world and the life we live is merely an anthill compared to the mountain of potential we hold within us. United we stand, divided we fall. So- bullshit! Take your best shot! People- get your noseplugs! The shit's about to hit the fan...

Eye on the Prize

It's funny- in order for me to stay focused, I have to distract myself. That is to say, I have to keep my mind busy to keep myself busy. If something's on my mind or something's bothering me, I will sit there and dwell on it and overanalyze and sink into the abyss of worrying about things I need not worry about. And so I write and sing and play and get it all out. Then what? Well, then ladies and gentlemen, Shaneil is productive!

It's hard to get me going, but once I start cleaning up, I can't stop. I love it. Just need to find a way to spread it out and clean as I go more. Which I have been. So the place actually looks pretty great, thanks to the efforts of myself and my amazing roomie! Getting things organized and clean really does disinfect the mind. I've been more focused on things that matter to me- music, work, friends and family. So today, in order to not completely waste another day off, I got all of my laundry done- all of it. And there was a lot. I had to use all four machines both times, and I cram. I know you're not supposed to, but I do. Get over it. I also cleaned up my room, which has been a bit of a wreck lately. I made sure I ate meals at appropriate "breakfast", "lunch" and "dinner" hours. And I played. And I played well. Really well. I was so damn proud of myself, I played the whole demo again. It sounded great! My guitar needs a little tightening here and there, but it will be like that for a while. Still learning that. But the vocals were of high value to me, and that makes me very happy. It got me pumped for recording this demo I have been talking about (well, not on here yet) for eight months. Maybe more. It reignited that fire I felt the night of my first gig. I'd call that pretty damn focused. All I want to do is record this thing. I'm so flippin' excited to have something on an actual recording! The video on facebook/youtube was thrilling for me! A tiny little home video. Melted my heart. Lit up my soul. Rejuvenated the love and passion I have for music. I have to hold on to that, because it so easily slips away with the distractions of life. So I'm staying motivated. I'm staying driven. I'm staying focused.

When put to good use, my crazy-always-thinking-never-stopping brain can actually focus on something and make big steps towards the ultimate goal. I just have to keep writing. Keep playing. Keep myself happy- love, learn, live. Keep my head high and remember that I am worth much more than I give myself credit for. Most of us are. We try to find validation in everything but ourselves. Well, myself has been pep-talkin' the HELL out of...well, myself, and reminding...again, myself, what I am worth and what I deserve. I deserve to at least try something with my music. I deserve to move up in my job. I deserve to have the friends I have around me. And I deserve someone one day who truly appreciates me for me. Everything about me. The bad with the good. The ugly with the sexy. The weaknesses with the strengths. Just good ol'...me.

So, yeah- I'm makin' changes and I like it! Just to further what I said in the previous post. I feel good. I feel focused. Yes, my heart and mind are still a little scatter-brained, but I'm healing and learning and continuing to love. I'm anxious to get this recording done, and see what I can do with it. I'm not expecting much, but I'm excited to finally make small steps towards something I've thought about my entire life. One day at a time. One step at a time. Slowly but surely, this lady's going for something more! A chance at true happiness. In all aspects of my life. Starting with music. Works every time.

A Change (A Change!) Would Do You Good

So, I was looking over my blog, and firstly- I am a blabbermouth! Holy crap! Thanks to everyone who follows and the kind words you have said about my writing. It really means a lot. Anyone even glancing at this ridiculous ramble is a compliment to me- I started writing this just for me. So I'm touched when anyone comments, relates, or just drops a line to say they enjoy reading. Thank you :) Secondly, my little headline or... tagline? What is that thing called below the name of the blog? I'm so not hip. Anyways, it ends with "I'm makin' changes and I like it!". So I started thinking, have I made changes? Where am I at in life now? Where am I going? And most importantly, where do I want to go? What do I want?

I know I'm on a new journey in life, a new chapter. And it's in my hands to make the most of it. Only I control my life- no one else. This has gotten me to the point I'm at now. I had to start living for me and not so much for other people. Find out what I'm like, and stop adapting to my surroundings. Over the last couple of years, it was a struggle. I had to filter through some I thought were friends, some I need at a distance, and meanwhile the really special ones twinkled like stars in the night sky. It got easier for me to find out who actually appreciated who I really am. I'm blessed to have so many good friends, and many still forming. The compassion I feel from everyone around me is overwhelming at times. But it makes the nights at home alone a LOT easier. I need to get my mind in order, for my heart is full and pumping along strong. I feel the love, I'm just distracted. With... stuff. Well, stuff, enough is enough. Let's get moving!

A line in an absolutely beautiful song I haven't been able to get out of my head since I heard it is... "You're hurting from love, yet you're learning from love"- (Connie Lim- "Now". Look. Her. Up!) This pretty much captures what I'm going through right now. I'm hurting from the loneliness of, once again, being alone. I've been feeling sorry for myself, but pushing myself through it with my head held high. I'm doing well. I am. It's up and down, good and bad. It's why I started this blog. My very first post is my revelation of the things I'm learning from love. I've come to realize what I need from someone else to make my life better. To enrich it. To thrive in it. It's a beautiful thing when you finally realize what really makes you happy. But it makes you picky. I'm humbled by anyone who thinks I'm better than good, but I'm aware of what kind of person can put up with me, so I lean towards that. Ha! But it's really that connection I'm looking for. "Your soul's recognition of its counterpart in another"- a pretty damn good line from Wedding Crashers! Love it.

I've talked about how I'm not looking for anything, but wouldn't turn it down either. This is true, BUT- it would have to be something that betters my life and with someone who could push me and drive me to follow my heart and dreams. Right now, that's what I'm focusing on. It's why I do like being alone right now. Sure, there are things I miss (as in "Hey There, Lonely Girl"...haha), but I'm finally focusing on myself and my life and what I want it to be. I know I want to pursue music, really give it a go. It's scary, yes. Slowly but surely, I am making small steps towards it. The fire's growing, though, and I'm starting to dive a little deeper. I feel like I'm ready to push a little harder and roll with the punches. Time is only slipping away, so no time to waste!

My day job is my comfort zone. I do love my job, and feel lucky to have my main source of income be something I actually enjoy. I'm so excited to be in the middle of interviews for assistant manager. I know I can do this and I'm looking forward to, obviously, the money- but the challenge. I love working. I always have, thank goodness. I don't always like going to work, but I take pride in it. No matter the job. I've pushed myself like never before in this district, and have gained a lot of respect and a lot of amazing people I call friends. I'm continuing this journey with Starbucks, but I am focusing on music. It's what I truly love, more than anything. I have so many apprehensions and insecurities with my music that it would blow your mind. It's ridiculous. But after my first show, I felt something I haven't felt in a long time. The passion flowed through every vein and I felt the wind pick me up and carry me to cloud 9. It was such an amazing feeling, and all I wanted to do was sing again. I miss it. And to do it with my own music?? Such an honor. Now I just have to get better at guitar. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, prac-SERIOUSLY... so much practice.

I feel like I AM making changes. Things are going very well for me, I'm just getting my mind in line with my heart, and vice versa. They seem to keep crossing each other, but never long enough to co-exist on the same wavelength. But I'm writing. I'm feeling. I'm expressing. I'm singing. I'm playing. I'm loving. I'm living. Life is a tricky thing, but you learn what to embrace and what to accept and what to filter. Like life's coffepot.

Lame ending? I thought so, too. Rewrite it for me. Seriously.

Somebody To Lean On

I'm happy when everybody else is happy. So when a good friend of mine is down, all I want to do is help. Hell, not even just "good" friends, anyone in general. I can't help it. I have that motherly-let-me-wipe-your-tears syndrome. I want to hold and console every aching heart and try to make it better. It's exhausting! But, gratifying. And that's all that matters.

Sometimes, people don't want help. I understand this all too well. Stubborn as I am, sometimes I want to figure it out myself and find my own peace with a situation. And sometimes, that's the way it should be. Some things are meant to be dealt with in private, with your own thoughts, your own responses. I have to talk myself through things, sometimes. Yes, I talk out loud. What have I told you about judging me??

I may not always know the details, or understand the pain, but I can be there with a clean shoulder and a comforting hand. And probably a lame joke. I can't help it. I gotta' try to get that smile on your face! I know that, when I'm down about something, even just a hello from an old friend can totally change my mood. People tend to refrain from reaching out because of fear. Fear of a negative reaction, no reaction, too much reaction- but I don't care. I will always put myself out there, because people need people. People need that comfort and support. It's how we thrive. We all need each other, so it's incredibly ridiculous to me how much we fight, bicker, hate and destroy each other. We should be looking to each other for a helping hand, without fear that there won't be one.

Take last night. I got off of work, and SURPRISE! It was raining! I happen to carry an umbrella in my work bag every day, so I was dry and cozy under my little umbrella at the bus stop. I look to my right, and this poor girl is standing in the rain, obviously unaware of the impending weather as I was, arms tight around herself and obvious impatience for the bus to show up. I made a joke about unfolding the big umbrella the parking guy uses, and discovered she doesn't really speak English. No problem! I walked over, handed her my umbrella, and threw my hood on. Hell, the girl was dressed to impress while I stood in my coffee-inspired ensemble- what did I need the damn umbrella for?? She was so sweet! "Thank you! Thank you!" was all she could utter in a language I could understand. She kept putting the umbrella over my head, too, so through much resistance and laughter, I finally stood there next to her in the rain, one under each half of the umbrella. Slightly awkward, yes- but we were both dry and happy. We went to get on the bus, and she insisted I go first. Though we never spoke, she made it a point to say goodbye and thank you again as she departed the bus. What a sweet girl! She totally made my night, and all I did was share a tiny portion of a crappy umbrella. These are those random acts of kindness I speak of. Pay it forward, as they say. It felt great!

I'm not trying to be all "Ooh I'm so awesome, I help people!" I just think if more people did little things like that, the world would be a better place. As cheesy as it is, Starbucks has a mission statement that says "One person, one cup, one neighborhood at a time." I like to think of this as my life's motto. Except, maybe more like "one person, one random act of kindness, one day at a time." Day by day. Person by person. I take it step by step. (No, I will not break into the theme from said show...but yes, I really want to). It doesn't take much to reach out and touch someone in need. So why waste all your time thinking about yourself?

We do, of course, need to think of ourselves, also. That's where my writing comes in, my two amazing boys whom I love dearly, the friends I surround myself with... you are all a part of what makes me "me" and contribute in your own little ways every day. And probably don't even realize it. I keep myself sane by keeping people I love around me. I reach out to everyone, and in turn they reach out to me. It's a two-way street. We're all on it, coasting along this thing called life. Now get off your damn cell phone before you run someone over!

Hugs For Free

I want things I can't have. I miss someone I can't tell. I have a roomie, but feel like I live alone. I'm happy, but down all the time. My life needs to make up it's MIND! Siiiiigh. Someone hold me. Or let me punch them. I feel like either way, I'd feel better. This is another one of those "not sure what to title or write about" yet posts. But again, you already know the title. Sooo.....if you could clue me in, that would be great. Yeaaah...

Things are going really great for me right now. In most aspects. We all have our thorns...but I feel a deep void I can't ignore and I haven't put my finger on it just yet. I feel like every time I write, be it this blog or a song, I get that much closer to figuring it out. So I guess time will tell. Hey, time! Speed it up buddy! Love, Shaneil.

Everyone has a void inside of them that, when filled, creates an overwhelming happiness and joy for life. And like one giant bakery, we all require different fillings and different flavors to make us feel complete. What is mine, you ask? Love. Love, love, love, love...craaaazy love. Well, not exactly. I'm not saying I need some man with roses and a promise of forever right now. Slow down, cowboy! I just need to be loved. Hell, we ALL need to be loved. But I think I need it on a deeper level. I've mentioned my constant need for interaction, but I miss having someone I'm close with. Someone I can talk to on a regular basis. A best friend. Don't get me wrong, Jamie is my best friend and I love her dearly. But I see her less now that we live together... not sure how that came about, but she has her own life to take care of. And very good reason for being off in her own world. Just so we're clear, this is NOTHING against her. (Love you Boo!)

Chris was my boyfriend and my best friend. I lost both of those in one day. I feel extremely lonely most of the time, and though I am blessed to have many dear friends in my life, most of them are only through a computer screen. Apparently I need to get out more. But this is difficult for me with no vehicle, a busy schedule, and a not-so full call log. And hey, I'm not bagging on anybody. Life gets in the way of fun, and you don't exactly see me making too many calls! But we're all busy. What the hell happened to the fun times? Oh yeah... we grew up. Booo.

I find solace in my music and writing. I tell music and tell through music what I don't tell anyone else. So really, music is my best friend. I'm okay with that, but music can't tangibly put its arms around me for a good ol' hug. Man, I love me some hugs. They heal the soul. Forget the punch in the face, I just need a hug.

Yup, I'm a hugger. On a lighter note, I have a friend who is not a hugger. By ANY means. So it's kind of fun to mess with her and hug her REAL good. Miss ya Jess! But I LOVE hugs. A good pair of comforting arms holding me tight to remind me I am loved. I hug everyone, but there are certain hugs you get that hold on for that extra second, and you feel your world at peace. I need one of those. Any takers?

Hugging is weird for some people, but next time you're around someone you really love, give 'em a real good hug. If not for you, for me. Because if it's me, I know I'd appreciate it, and you just never know who may be in need of one at that moment.

PS. Time, let's not fight. I respect you, just wish you'd get things moving along already. I love you, but I don't like you all the time. I'm sure it's mutual. Do you- do you want a hug?

Hooonesty- is Such a Lonely Word

Gotta' love Billy. He really hammers those nails on the head! I think honesty is so hard to find these days. You're either too afraid to use it, or use the alternative for evil. Life would be so much easier if everyone was honest. Well, not so much easier. But people wouldn't walk around like idiots for not knowing the truth anymore. I, for one, greatly dislike that feeling.

I try to be as honest as possible. Although, I also recognize when a situation calls for a lack of details. Let's be clear here, I'm not talking about lying. I'm talking about leaving out details that are not needed in specific conversations. You want total honesty? Read my songs. If you're not mentioned, you probably already know how I feel about you. Or at least, if I like you or not as a person. Although, I pretty much like everyone. Allllmost everyone. So I probably like you if I talk to you. Well, let's be honest, you know I like you if I'm usually nice to you, but give you a loooot of shit. It's what I do. And if it's more than that, or I'm angry with you, it's in a song. It's how I express the feelings I know I shouldn't be feeling. It's my therapy.

Seriously, though- I'm pretty much an open book. You can flip the pages without worrying about offending me or "crossing a line". I like to be open and honest, because- how the hell will you get to know me if I don't show you me? So I stick to the truth. I hear it's the best policy.

A lot of people struggle with opening up and trusting someone. Believe me, I am careful about who I share things with and who I don't. Hence, the lack of details. But sometimes, people hold back when they probably shouldn't. Open up, let someone in, take a risk! How will you know what could be if you never let it be? I try to follow my heart and my gut. They both usually have good instincts. My brain keeps me focused on who's important, and who can shove it. They're a great team!

I guess my point is, it's not always good to have your guard up. And it's certainly not okay to lie to get your way, or toy with someone's emotions. People tend to appreciate honesty, and with the right delivery, you can really set someone at ease. I like honesty. So tell me how you feel! I bet I can take it. And if I don't... you can tell me to shove it. And I will.

Follow Your Heart

My heart hurts today...it does. I'm not exactly sure why. But it aches. For what? Not sure yet...

I noticed that I've been talking about my heart a lot...be it through words of my family, or thoughts of shopping with great friends; my heart goes into everything I do, so it's brought up quite a bit. So what a place to write about it. Welcome to my heart.

My heart is a peculiar thing...as I'm sure everyone's is. Unfortunately for me, I tend to lead with it. This is not always good, for my heart yearns for what my mind can't have. You need a balance between the two to sustain a happy life...well, heart- calm down. Things will get better soon. I feel it.

My heart is a delicate flower, petals barely hanging on, scent stronger than ever, yearning for the sun to resurrect it's shine. It keeps me going, but drags me down. It lifts me up, yet knocks me off my feet. Heart, you are certainly a roller-coaster, and we all know how I feel about those.

My heart is probably my best quality. I'm far from perfect, yet happy with who I am. Thank you heart, for giving me the kindness and compassion to show mankind that I am not hard, but soft and gentle. I weep at things I probably "shouldn't". I ache for people you avoid. I want the best for everyone.

But heart, sometimes you really get me angry...sometimes, I have certain priorities and ambitions in mind, and you stray from the path. Get back over here!!! Yes, I'm emotional. Yes, I'm sensitive. Yes, I like me the way I am.

My heart guides me down the road to a new tomorrow. It provides comfort from the bad in life. It shelters me from the cold. It also reaches out when it should stay in...but we're working on that. I would rather my heart lead the way, paving a road full of caring and love, then a road full of worry or doubt. My heart is a trouble-maker, but with the right intentions. Every day, I work on my heart. It grows stronger with each connection, each random act of kindness, each hand held out to lift up the weak...it keeps me strong. I love you, heart- for everything you are. And everything I am. I owe...to you.



Not sure where this post was going, but here's a song I wrote called "Heart":

My heart hurts today,
so afraid of everything I'm feeling- inside
of me, can't find my brain.
My heart is taking over everything.
Oh, feelings please just go away.
I can't bear to feel this pain...
but oh, if I try and turn away,
I replace this pain with another...

My heart hurts tonight.
Searching dark to finally see the light-
in this hole, I've built for me to lay.
Circumstance is standing in my way.
But oh, if I try to erase it-
I can face it, someday-
but still, I turn and run away-
from this pain, in my heart.
From the way, that it's scarred me.

My heart might die.
Too many reason why-
to explain to a crowd, or to even say out loud.
It just might...tonight...
tonight might be the night...

Bad for the Wallet, Good for the Heart

I. Went. Shopping today. Now, I am not much of a girly-girl, for one- but I was reminded today why I don't shop so much. I like it. A lot. But I end up buying a bunch of crap I don't really get any use out of. You see, since I don't really care for money, I tend to just throw it away. Usually on other people, but when having a great time with an amazing friend, it's easy to watch those receipts pile up. Today, that sort of happened. But it was for me. And it felt goooood.

I've been working really hard at my new store, on top of writing this blog as much as possible while playing and writing songs. With my current health problems (well, mainly my teeth), I have been feeling pre-t-ty mis-er-a-ble, while masking it with a smile and a laugh. It sucks. And I know what you're already thinking...the money I spent today should've been put towards my teeth. You think I don't know that?? Hence, the statement about why I do not shop! BUT! I did buy things I've been needing. So stuff it.

This is very bad for my wallet, yes. I spent a decent amount of money, though again, on things I need. So this is somewhat good. For my heart? I had an amazing day with an amazing friend of mine, Veronica. This girl is a HOOT and a sweetheart to boot. My mentor and friend, she truly made my day today. We spent 4 1/2 HOURS at the mall...it's been a while for me...I was weak! And she is NOT a good influence!! Nope, nope, nope. But we had some great talks, and some incredible laughs! And though I was aching from a severe lack of sleep last night and the remains of my energy thanks to Monster, the time flew as the good times were had! This is why I love shopping. It was so nice to go out and be a girl! I rarely do this, and it feels even that much more fun when I do. I'm a chill-with-the-guys-drink-some-beers-and-belch kinda gal...but having my "girl days" is a refreshing reminder of the woman that I am. It boosts my confidence. Reminds me to be silly and giggle. Reminds me to be vunerable. Reminds me to be gentle. In spite of the pain I feel, my head is high and I feel alive! So, no- I don't regret spending the money. How could I regret the laughs and talks shared with a person I admire more than most?

My wallet is slimmer (and newer...), but my heart is full. Today was a good day. I'm exhausted from the work day, and probably still smell like coffee. And pretty much every product in Bath & Body Works... (they were having a sale...SALE.) But I'm happy. And every moment counts. So I'm counting my blessings, one moment at a time. Today, I have an overflowing heart full of these such moments. And NOTHING gets better than that!





PS... While shopping, I didn't smoke for six hours...thought I forgot about that, didn't ya??? This is a good thing, by the way...I don't exactly make it that long normally...baby steps, people! One moment at a time...I'm not perfect! And you stress me out!

Home Is Where Your Heart Is

It's been a long few days for me, both physically and emotionally. I haven't written because I've been writing songs, which is good. That tap, however, has run dry at the moment. So I'm back!

Tonight while closing, my coworker and I began talking about our fathers. Hers is currently in town with her for the week, and they have been fighting non-stop. It's funny that she should look to me for advice, as I have no relationship with mine. And it took years of trying, as she is now, for me to finally say 'enough is enough'. I am at peace with our lack of a relationship (for lack of a better set of words). I had to forgive myself to find it. But my life is just simply better how it is now. If I believed it could be different, believe me, I'd be trying just as I always had. But if you know me well enough, you probably agree with my decision.

On a somewhat lighter note, it got me thinking about family. I miss them. I have so many great people that I call my family, and as sad as it is, Facebook has started to bring us back together. I know I'm on facebook a lot, as you can see from my ridiculous amount of posts, but it has helped me reconnect with family that I barely talk to, and really should. So I get hooked. Hooked on the connections and conversations. Hooked on the reminder that I have people who love me dearly. Hooked on an effing social networking site because, damn it, I love people! What is this, an intervention?! Sheesh!

It's true, though. I do love people. And I've been trying to be extra-there for those I love. It's hard for me to get on the phone, yes- but sign on to facebook or read my blog and I'm there! Don't judge me. It's who I am. I write. I like to interact with a lot of different people. I feel like I'm defending myself. Why am I defending myself? It's late. I should go to sleep.

The point is, I got a little down tonight thinking about my father. It got me thinking about my uncle, who was like a father to me growing up (or a big brother, really), and passed. About my "LA Father", whom I fought with a couple of weeks ago and haven't spoken to since. Geez. No wonder I have trouble with men- I have "daddy-issues"?! Really?!! I'm that girl?? Yuck. I think I turned out pretty well in spite of that revolting revelation. I've done a lot of growing up, and part of that is learning to appreciate the things I should appreciate. Like family. So to any and all family who read this, just know that I love you all dearly. I don't always keep in touch like I should, but you're thought about and cared about. THAT- will NEVER change. And if you're ever in LA, this heart will always be here for you to call home.

Clarification: Appreciation

I haven't decided what to write about yet. And so, I begin this post untitled... although, by the time you read it, it will be titled...soooo. Whatever. I'm in a weird place today. Can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm just...here. I'm not sure how I feel today. It's not necessarily bad, but not terrific, either. Hmmm.

I took a break from this and wrote a new song, "Close Enough". I think I like it. I never know at first, I just get a good flow going and see what happens. No guitar to it yet, though, thanks to the after-10pm-no-noise-whatsoever-policy at my apartment complex. As I listen to my neighbors have a party. (I really wanted to say "As I listen through the cemetary trees" right there...)

Wow! I just got a really nice compliment from a pretty important person in my history. That certainly picked up my mood! It's funny how one second you can feel somewhat down, yet one little moment can pick it right up. This is why I appreciate life. Hmm...appreciation...

I try to appreciate life as much as I can. I'm not perfect. Nowhere near it. But I do try to take everything in with a positive attitude. This keeps me pretty level-headed, about most. I have my weaknesses, and they show all the time. I suck at hiding them! But even at my job, people view me as a positive person who tries to keep the mood up. Tries. I have bad days. Ohhh boy, do I! But hey, we all do, so I give back by being supportive on yours.

I was raised by my grandparents, and although our relationship is not what it used to be, I appreciate the morals they instilled in me. I feel very blessed to have been pulled from a fury of bad situations and pain, and plopped into a pretty damn good childhood. I was not spoiled, though I did have a lot. I was taught the value of a dollar, and of the little things in life. Things weren't always great, but I had it good and I appreciate everything they ever did for me. I miss them all the time. I'm overdue for a trip home. Stupid money.

Aaaanyways, without getting too serious, here...I'm happy. I'm content. I want more, but I'm in the process of going for it, and that's the first step. No matter what happens to me, I appreciate everything in my life. I think that's the key...it unlocks so many doors to happiness in life. Geez louise, I feel all grown up! I can still go to Toy'R'Us...right? Right?? Crap.