Follow Your Heart

My heart hurts today...it does. I'm not exactly sure why. But it aches. For what? Not sure yet...

I noticed that I've been talking about my heart a lot...be it through words of my family, or thoughts of shopping with great friends; my heart goes into everything I do, so it's brought up quite a bit. So what a place to write about it. Welcome to my heart.

My heart is a peculiar thing...as I'm sure everyone's is. Unfortunately for me, I tend to lead with it. This is not always good, for my heart yearns for what my mind can't have. You need a balance between the two to sustain a happy life...well, heart- calm down. Things will get better soon. I feel it.

My heart is a delicate flower, petals barely hanging on, scent stronger than ever, yearning for the sun to resurrect it's shine. It keeps me going, but drags me down. It lifts me up, yet knocks me off my feet. Heart, you are certainly a roller-coaster, and we all know how I feel about those.

My heart is probably my best quality. I'm far from perfect, yet happy with who I am. Thank you heart, for giving me the kindness and compassion to show mankind that I am not hard, but soft and gentle. I weep at things I probably "shouldn't". I ache for people you avoid. I want the best for everyone.

But heart, sometimes you really get me angry...sometimes, I have certain priorities and ambitions in mind, and you stray from the path. Get back over here!!! Yes, I'm emotional. Yes, I'm sensitive. Yes, I like me the way I am.

My heart guides me down the road to a new tomorrow. It provides comfort from the bad in life. It shelters me from the cold. It also reaches out when it should stay in...but we're working on that. I would rather my heart lead the way, paving a road full of caring and love, then a road full of worry or doubt. My heart is a trouble-maker, but with the right intentions. Every day, I work on my heart. It grows stronger with each connection, each random act of kindness, each hand held out to lift up the weak...it keeps me strong. I love you, heart- for everything you are. And everything I am. I owe...to you.



Not sure where this post was going, but here's a song I wrote called "Heart":

My heart hurts today,
so afraid of everything I'm feeling- inside
of me, can't find my brain.
My heart is taking over everything.
Oh, feelings please just go away.
I can't bear to feel this pain...
but oh, if I try and turn away,
I replace this pain with another...

My heart hurts tonight.
Searching dark to finally see the light-
in this hole, I've built for me to lay.
Circumstance is standing in my way.
But oh, if I try to erase it-
I can face it, someday-
but still, I turn and run away-
from this pain, in my heart.
From the way, that it's scarred me.

My heart might die.
Too many reason why-
to explain to a crowd, or to even say out loud.
It just might...tonight...
tonight might be the night...

Bad for the Wallet, Good for the Heart

I. Went. Shopping today. Now, I am not much of a girly-girl, for one- but I was reminded today why I don't shop so much. I like it. A lot. But I end up buying a bunch of crap I don't really get any use out of. You see, since I don't really care for money, I tend to just throw it away. Usually on other people, but when having a great time with an amazing friend, it's easy to watch those receipts pile up. Today, that sort of happened. But it was for me. And it felt goooood.

I've been working really hard at my new store, on top of writing this blog as much as possible while playing and writing songs. With my current health problems (well, mainly my teeth), I have been feeling pre-t-ty mis-er-a-ble, while masking it with a smile and a laugh. It sucks. And I know what you're already thinking...the money I spent today should've been put towards my teeth. You think I don't know that?? Hence, the statement about why I do not shop! BUT! I did buy things I've been needing. So stuff it.

This is very bad for my wallet, yes. I spent a decent amount of money, though again, on things I need. So this is somewhat good. For my heart? I had an amazing day with an amazing friend of mine, Veronica. This girl is a HOOT and a sweetheart to boot. My mentor and friend, she truly made my day today. We spent 4 1/2 HOURS at the mall...it's been a while for me...I was weak! And she is NOT a good influence!! Nope, nope, nope. But we had some great talks, and some incredible laughs! And though I was aching from a severe lack of sleep last night and the remains of my energy thanks to Monster, the time flew as the good times were had! This is why I love shopping. It was so nice to go out and be a girl! I rarely do this, and it feels even that much more fun when I do. I'm a chill-with-the-guys-drink-some-beers-and-belch kinda gal...but having my "girl days" is a refreshing reminder of the woman that I am. It boosts my confidence. Reminds me to be silly and giggle. Reminds me to be vunerable. Reminds me to be gentle. In spite of the pain I feel, my head is high and I feel alive! So, no- I don't regret spending the money. How could I regret the laughs and talks shared with a person I admire more than most?

My wallet is slimmer (and newer...), but my heart is full. Today was a good day. I'm exhausted from the work day, and probably still smell like coffee. And pretty much every product in Bath & Body Works... (they were having a sale...SALE.) But I'm happy. And every moment counts. So I'm counting my blessings, one moment at a time. Today, I have an overflowing heart full of these such moments. And NOTHING gets better than that!





PS... While shopping, I didn't smoke for six hours...thought I forgot about that, didn't ya??? This is a good thing, by the way...I don't exactly make it that long normally...baby steps, people! One moment at a time...I'm not perfect! And you stress me out!