With Each Door Closed, Another Opens

I'm feeling a little all over the place today. Happy and anxious. Subdued. Relieved. Stagnant. So many different emotions in the slide show of my mind... it's almost impossible to keep up. I'm taking one thing at a time, but I can't help switching slides and changing moods. For the most part? I feel good. No- I feel great. I do. I'm hopeful... in spite of the fact I have a feeling a small heartache is near. I'm prepared, though, and focused on what really matters. Myself.

Behind Door #1- Shaneil took ahold of her career. I should've spoken up earlier. I know this. I feel bad for this. It is what it is, though- my favorite cop-out. If you didn't know already, I cancelled the big interview on Tuesday when I was already halfway there. Well, postponed it. It only sets me back a couple of months, and I really and truly needed to make that decision. It's all too fast, too soon for something I've barely been able to prepare for. On top of that, my personal life needs some mending time before piling on a whole crapload of work... so I made the call to the district manager, explained my position, and went home. An extremely tough phone call, though it went well. The point is, I feel an enourmous amount of relief and am pleased with my choice.

Behind Door #2- Shaneil released some nagging feelings. Some things have been bothering me to the point where nothing else mattered. Enough was enough. So after making peace with a few things, I finally voiced some concerns to someone and feel extremely relieved. I do not necessarily expect a response... but just saying it "out loud" made me feel better.

Behind Door #3- Shaneil's seeing her effing family!!! Many of you probably do not know much about my relationship with my family. It is so complicated and varied that I tend to keep my family life personal and private. That isn't to say I won't answer questions about them, I just don't offer up the information very often. Well, after over 2 years of not seeing my Mom and Grammy, they're coming into town tomorrow for 3 days!! I am SO thrilled to see them, and two of my little sisters. Some much needed love and attention is just what the doctor ordered for this achin' heart...

With my priorities straightened out a bit, I'm feeling better and better each day. I'm looking towards the future with a smile and high hopes. I'm in control and no one else. Not anymore. This is my world, and I'm the only one living in it... so take your shoes off at the door.

A Change (A Change!) Would Do You Good

So, I was looking over my blog, and firstly- I am a blabbermouth! Holy crap! Thanks to everyone who follows and the kind words you have said about my writing. It really means a lot. Anyone even glancing at this ridiculous ramble is a compliment to me- I started writing this just for me. So I'm touched when anyone comments, relates, or just drops a line to say they enjoy reading. Thank you :) Secondly, my little headline or... tagline? What is that thing called below the name of the blog? I'm so not hip. Anyways, it ends with "I'm makin' changes and I like it!". So I started thinking, have I made changes? Where am I at in life now? Where am I going? And most importantly, where do I want to go? What do I want?

I know I'm on a new journey in life, a new chapter. And it's in my hands to make the most of it. Only I control my life- no one else. This has gotten me to the point I'm at now. I had to start living for me and not so much for other people. Find out what I'm like, and stop adapting to my surroundings. Over the last couple of years, it was a struggle. I had to filter through some I thought were friends, some I need at a distance, and meanwhile the really special ones twinkled like stars in the night sky. It got easier for me to find out who actually appreciated who I really am. I'm blessed to have so many good friends, and many still forming. The compassion I feel from everyone around me is overwhelming at times. But it makes the nights at home alone a LOT easier. I need to get my mind in order, for my heart is full and pumping along strong. I feel the love, I'm just distracted. With... stuff. Well, stuff, enough is enough. Let's get moving!

A line in an absolutely beautiful song I haven't been able to get out of my head since I heard it is... "You're hurting from love, yet you're learning from love"- (Connie Lim- "Now". Look. Her. Up!) This pretty much captures what I'm going through right now. I'm hurting from the loneliness of, once again, being alone. I've been feeling sorry for myself, but pushing myself through it with my head held high. I'm doing well. I am. It's up and down, good and bad. It's why I started this blog. My very first post is my revelation of the things I'm learning from love. I've come to realize what I need from someone else to make my life better. To enrich it. To thrive in it. It's a beautiful thing when you finally realize what really makes you happy. But it makes you picky. I'm humbled by anyone who thinks I'm better than good, but I'm aware of what kind of person can put up with me, so I lean towards that. Ha! But it's really that connection I'm looking for. "Your soul's recognition of its counterpart in another"- a pretty damn good line from Wedding Crashers! Love it.

I've talked about how I'm not looking for anything, but wouldn't turn it down either. This is true, BUT- it would have to be something that betters my life and with someone who could push me and drive me to follow my heart and dreams. Right now, that's what I'm focusing on. It's why I do like being alone right now. Sure, there are things I miss (as in "Hey There, Lonely Girl"...haha), but I'm finally focusing on myself and my life and what I want it to be. I know I want to pursue music, really give it a go. It's scary, yes. Slowly but surely, I am making small steps towards it. The fire's growing, though, and I'm starting to dive a little deeper. I feel like I'm ready to push a little harder and roll with the punches. Time is only slipping away, so no time to waste!

My day job is my comfort zone. I do love my job, and feel lucky to have my main source of income be something I actually enjoy. I'm so excited to be in the middle of interviews for assistant manager. I know I can do this and I'm looking forward to, obviously, the money- but the challenge. I love working. I always have, thank goodness. I don't always like going to work, but I take pride in it. No matter the job. I've pushed myself like never before in this district, and have gained a lot of respect and a lot of amazing people I call friends. I'm continuing this journey with Starbucks, but I am focusing on music. It's what I truly love, more than anything. I have so many apprehensions and insecurities with my music that it would blow your mind. It's ridiculous. But after my first show, I felt something I haven't felt in a long time. The passion flowed through every vein and I felt the wind pick me up and carry me to cloud 9. It was such an amazing feeling, and all I wanted to do was sing again. I miss it. And to do it with my own music?? Such an honor. Now I just have to get better at guitar. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, prac-SERIOUSLY... so much practice.

I feel like I AM making changes. Things are going very well for me, I'm just getting my mind in line with my heart, and vice versa. They seem to keep crossing each other, but never long enough to co-exist on the same wavelength. But I'm writing. I'm feeling. I'm expressing. I'm singing. I'm playing. I'm loving. I'm living. Life is a tricky thing, but you learn what to embrace and what to accept and what to filter. Like life's coffepot.

Lame ending? I thought so, too. Rewrite it for me. Seriously.