Siiiiiiiiigh. Yes, I cried myself to sleep last night. No, I'm not ashamed. Yes, it felt fuckin' great.
It's a new day for me! I'm still a little shaken by recent events, but I awoke with a new sense of being. I wanted this. I asked for this. This is what I chose. I have plans and goals to accomplish, and it's about time I got to it! I've noticed I've been ending a lot of sentences with prepositions. It bothers me. Oh well.
I feel inspired to write, but I'm also not aching to... The online world and this blog have been a crutch for me lately. I want to keep writing, though, because it releases a lot for me and it's good practice and motivation for writing my music. And I love writing. But I want to be proud and excited to write, not moaning and groaning about my problems. I want to have news and updates and new theories and go back to the way I felt when I first started this blog. But hey, what's one more post with feelings in it...hmm?
I will always write about my true feelings, what I'm really thinking. It's tough to say out loud, but writing is an outlet for my inner truths. I'm no liar by any means, but I struggle saying how I truly feel sometimes. For instance, why can't the one person I'm interested in be interested back? How's that for honesty? Would make my life much easier. Ha! I need to start going out, meeting people, hell- even dating. Dwelling on the things I can't control isn't getting me anywhere, and I'm getting nowhere fast. It's time to create the life I left Chris for. In no way do I mean that harshly... we had a good life. But it wasn't what I wanted. I'm 5 months in, and crying myself to sleep because he found someone and, though not moved on, is dating and attempting to create something different, even something better for himself. So what the hell am I doing? Trying to be friends with my ex? Dwelling on the very first person who comes along? Sitting on the internet for hours? Too lazy to go anywhere because I ride the ever-so-lovely bus? Well, gee- how pathetic am I? Let's move on.
I'm not at 100%, but the temperature's rising! I'm facing emotional obstacles that I knew I would eventually face. It's a whole new ballgame now, but I was aware of circumstances that would, as they do, eventually rise up and slap me in the face. Doesn't make them easy, but I was prepared. This last one hit me much harder than I expected, but it also opened my eyes to where I really stand emotionally. I need a life. Reiterated so nicely by a friend of mine, the last thought on my mind right before I fell asleep was: "Shit. He's right." When I awoke, I was somber, but not sad. I was silent, but not shut off. I was just there. I took a look around, and gave a big sigh. Siiiiiigh.
There is so much more for me out there than this empty room and dismal life. You know when someone tells you to just "get over it"? Done. I'm moving forward with my life, and this time, it's for real. No more faking my way through what I call my "life". This is not to say that I don't feel I've accomplished anything. OH no! I'm proud to be where I am with my "day job". I've worked hard, made friends, and moved up quickly. I'm proud of this blog. Even one person commenting or reading it would have made me feel proud. To have a handful of followers (including people who aren't actually "following" per the "followers" list), a family member I haven't spoken to in years repost it, encouraging others to read; and encouragement through comments here and there from dear friends, I'd say I have something to be proud of here. I'm proud of my music. Yes, my ridiculous fear and anxiety have ruined my first attempt at a practice, but I know what I need to accomplish it and I'm just going to have to fight for it. But I've been writing. Not only writing, but writing songs I'm proud of. I feel my writing has improved, though of course, I would like it to improve MUCH more. I'm on a streak, and it feels good. NOW. To go out to open mics and actually perform it! Hmm... other people go to these open mics, correct? People I could befriend? Well, golly gee willakers, Shaneil! See what could potentially happen when you stop being such a pansy?
Life isn't always easy. We all know this. I've faced some tough, tough situations for such the emotional gal I am, but I'm pushing through and making the best of it all. There's a world of potential inside of this emotional basket-case, and it's dying to express itself. The only thing holding me back... is me. Well, back off...um. Me! Myself! And I... don't even GET me started.
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