I never thought it would hurt this much. I never knew how alone and sad I am. From left field, here comes the truth, smacking me straight in the face.
It's interesting how on point my instincts can be... walking up the stairs to my apartment after a good night at work, I felt a strange "pit-in-my-stomach" feeling... like something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, seeing as how I've been feeling really good the last week or so. Then I got the email. The email saying my ex has met someone he really likes. The email saying he has been seeing her for a couple of weeks. The email that sends me straight into tears. But why? No, I don't want to get back together. No, I'm not jealous. Okay, a little jealous. I just miss the guy so damn much, and now someone else gets his time... his affection... and what do I have? An empty apartment and a non-existant love-life. Jesus, could I feel more sorry for myself?
I've been in "long-term" relationships before, but never for 5 years. Never with someone I lived with. Never with someone who loved me so much. He always said I would find someone first... yet here I am, alone and depressed, while he goes on dates with some girl he met just after we broke up. Don't I have a right to feel this way? Do I need to justify the pain? Am I not entitled to be upset? I don't know, but I feel the way I feel. And I don't like it... Not. One. Bit.
I preach and preach and advise and advise, yet when life throws a curveball at me, I go against everything I teach. I know I should be happy for him... and I am. A little. I guess I'm just more sad for me than anything. I know, I know- "Grow up. Deal with it. You wanted this, remember?" Yeah, well, I did. I do. I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's no fun. It's lonely. Go figure.
This is definitely a pathetic post. My sincerest apologies. I'm in a bad place right now... I can't seem to focus on what matters. Instead, I dwell and dwell and feel nothing but the loneliness of it all... it doesn't help that my roommate is never home and the only friendships I maintain are those I have at work... and they stay at work. I rarely go out, thanks to my schedule and lack of a vehicle. I haven't met anyone (who is also interested in me, I should state), and up until this point, was slightly reluctant to due to my concern for my ex's feelings. Well, so much for that! ...I should shut up. This is silly.
I know things will get better. I know I will eventually meet someone who makes me feel alive again. I know I need to just buck up and let it all go. I know, I know, I know. I can't control my feelings, though- and tonight, they feel low. VERY low. C'est la fuckin' vie, n'est-ce pas? I need a drink. And a date. Any takers?
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