I touched on fear in Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles, but it was referenced more towards fearing people we don't understand. Today kids, let's talk about fear in general.
As I've said before, I worry too much. It's true. I have had to train myself to relax and let life happen. This is not easy for me, but I have made some incredible steps and now live a much more care-free lifestyle. I love my life where it's at right now. There's no pressure, just taking each day at a time and trying to live my life the best I can while treating everyone else how I want to be treated. Feels like I've heard that last part before...hmmm.
Fear is the only thing holding me back from getting exactly what I want out of life. I want to be a musician. I don't want fame...don't care for fortune....but if I could have a small group of fans who appreciate what I write about, come see me play and maybe buy some tunes, then I'd be a happy gal! Kinda' hard to do that if I never go out and perform...sooo...I'm trying to motivate myself to do just that. I have been working on some new material that I'm damn proud of, and even got offered a gig for next week (on top of an already existing 1st gig on June 4th!!! Want to come see me? I would!) I went to a couple of shows Sunday and Monday featuring my extremely talented friend, Nick Reiter (If you haven't seen this guy- you're missing out my friend!), and it always gets me thinking about performing. I miss it. It's so ridiculously hard for me to get up on a stage, but once I do, you have to drag my ass off! Not that you should. I'm kind of a big deal.
I know. I talk about music a lot. I'm kind of in love with it. A lot. Music has saved me from many crappy experiences throughout my life, and continues to do so. It loves you back unconditionally. It tears you down and builds you back up. It's the wind beneath my clipped wings. Now to find that bastard with the scissors!
Moving right along...I see fear hold people back from so much in life. Dreams. Goals. Change. Love. Ahhhh love. Another passion of mine. Why are so many people afraid of it? Because so many people suck at it. There's your flippin' nutshell! Yes, I am one of those "I'm not looking for anything right now" people, as stated before. Man, I'm unoriginal. BUT. If something amazing came along, would I turn it down? Hell-to-the-no. Life's too short for wastin' your love! (I totally just quoted my own song...don't judge me.) I love my life where it's at right now, wouldn't change...much, but love is so rare and so hard to find in its purest form. If that came knockin' at my door right now, I'd be a fool to turn it down. I do, however, understand the apprehensions people face when confronted by love. I feel them, too. I have been hurt in ways no person should endure, but it only strengthened my heart and taught me lessons in love that make me a better lover...and a better judge of character. It saddens me that this fear caused my last relationship to slowly fade. Love was never our problem. Embracing it was. I learned so much from our time together, and will forever be thankful that I learned it with my best friend. Let's just say, the next guy will have to be pretty amazing to win this heart over!
Another friend of mine, another Nick (I love me some Nicks!), posted on facebook today: "It's always saddening to see an amazingly talented person held back from true success by nothing more than their own fear of failure", to which a friend of his said, "How about a fear of success?" Wow. Nail. On. The. Head. I'm not tooting my own horn or anything, but a part of me is afraid to pursue music because of this exact statement. I would love love LOVE to be able to make money off of my music and maybe even just my music, but I do NOT want fame. No, thank you. I want to be able to walk down the street without 3 bodyguards judging everything and everyone around me. I don't think I could handle the pressure that comes with that kind of success. And I especially don't want to fall into the dark and dreary depths of the music business. I happen to like this pretty little head on my shoulders, and don't need it tampered with. And so, another reason I only play for my dogs...and a select few friends.
I could touch on a plethera of fears, but it's late and I have to be up in 5 hours. Don't think I don't see you falling asleep as I ramble on either! People say the best way to conquer your fears is to face your fears. So, fear- *ahem*- bring it on. It's time we settled our differences and moved on. I don't like you, you don't like me. Personally, I think you're an idiot, and word on the street is you think I'm a wuss. Well guess what??? I am. Get over yourself. I hear your biggest fear is you- so who's got the issues now? Ass.
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