But Even You Cannot Avoid.....PRESSURE!

Billy Joel reference there. Anybody get it? ...I miss Chris.

Well, golly gee willakers! Look at all this stuff I get to do! On the 'bright side of things', I have my first interview (known in Starbucks land as "interview prep"), on May 7th...yup! A week from Sunday! Oh, and my very first gig...this. THURSDAY. Holy moly! I have to have my 5 songs (luckily, picked out finally!) ready and comfortable in two days... on top of preparing the enormous amount of work it takes for these interviews! This is all excellent news, of course, but the fact of the matter is I'm a little stressed...and excited. Of course.

Cue pressure, enter stage left. This little bugger has crept up in my bliggity blog once again! Ya bastard. I'm extremely excited about this gig, and think that, in some way, the pressure is what's going to get me through this one. This a hump for me. Ohhhh boy, is it a hump! More like a fricken' mountain. I have never performed onstage with an instrument, FIRST off. Secondly, I have never performed my original material on stage. So, count 'em, TWO of my biggest fears and procrastinations of life...which makes it so bittersweet. I'm scared as hell, but I'm ready. Ready to at least put something out there, if not for the slim pickin's of the early crowd, for myself. Five songs that mean the world to me, even if not yet perfect in my mind. This is me, put out on a platter. A somewhat rusty, slightly dented platter- but out there. Holy crap. I'm scared.

With work, I'm really struggling with some, and really kicking ASS with the rest. I must say. I know I can handle this store, it's just taking some adjustments. I'm really tired lately, yet not sleeping well. I am happy to have been cutting back a little on smoking, because when I don't smoke cigarettes, I feel so much more energetic! I feel great! I admit it. It's just so difficult to get past the cravings...the anxiety. I'm tryin' folks, I really am. So it's up and down with that one the last couple of weeks. A lot of stress at work coupled with some stress in my relationships = smoking. Now, with this interview around the corner, the pressure's on! I have a decent stack of paperwork to work on, a resume/cover letter to polish, a coffee tasting with three different coffees that blows them away and relates to me as a leader, etc etc et cehskgh...yeah. All while working my butt off every day and taking my one day off this week to cram for a gig and then go perform. Yikes.

A lot to handle, but a lot of AMAZING. These are all things I need to accomplish, and have strived to accomplish for some time now. Especially the music side of it. I mean, I've only been writing songs for... SEVENTEEN YEARS... yeah. One year short of an adult life of procrastination. Kind of a big deal. I smell mahogany. Rich mahogany.

Under Pressure, Pushing Down on Me

This week started off so well, it's shocking to me that it could turn so ugly. I had two amazing days of hanging out with some great guy friends of mine, turned into an absolutely horrid night last night and fearful morning today. If the crappy gets any worse, I may lose it this week.

I feel pressure every day to keep myself responsible and sane. There's a lot going on in this brain of mine, and it's distracting when it comes to my responsibilities. I think I need to start meditating...or yoga. Or something. Music definitely keeps me sane. As stated before, I write about things I can't say out loud...or shouldn't. This relieves a lot of pressure and anxiety. Anxiety is a big problem of mine. I have also spoken about this before, but it really hit home last night. Through a series of unfortunate events, I had a major panic attack last night. I called two of my best friends, Jamie Goss and Daniel Erde, and they both called back immediately with loving words and open arms/ears. What a lucky girl I am to have such amazing friends! The night got worse before it got better, but I got home, put on some tunes, and sat back to let the beauty of music heal my damaged heart and soul. Have I mentioned I'm in love with music?

Pressure is a dangerous thing...it pushes down on your whole body and makes you feel this big. I usually work very well under pressure, but the last couple of days have taken a toll on me. Today is a day for music and love. CAGED system, new songs, my boys, and my bestie/roommate (when she gets home from work). Who needs more than that? I embrace these things when life gets in the way of my happiness. I know I deserve more than what I get, so I go out and get it. I dive into my loves and passions of life and let them take me away to a land of relaxation, acceptance and renewal. Pressure won't get to me, because I refuse to allow it to...get to me. (Aren't you not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition? Did that sentence count since I used the word? I'm confused...) Life is TOO effing short to let these things affect my positive outlook and general happiness in life. I love life. Life loves me. So let's do this!

So. Pressure. Anxiety. Unfortunate events. Negative energy. You can all go to hell...you go to hell and you DIE! That is all.