A Lesson Learned

I feel like such an idiot tonight. Why I ever let anything get built up in my head... my fucking imagination is a double-edge sword. It can inspire and create beautiful songs, poetry and whatnot... but when it comes to something I really want that will probably never happen or is too good to be true... welllll then it tends to get out of hand and I'm left with the shattered pieces of my heart in the end. Welcome to my world.

I've talked about how "not looking for anything" is a crock of shit. Well, it's true. You're not looking for anything until you find something worth looking for... I recently found something worth looking for. Unfortunately, this person did not feel the same. Unbeknownst to me, though, I held on and hoped for the best. Now I'm sitting here, ashamed and disappointed in myself for ever thinking otherwise. What a cruel world life can be... especially when emotions are involved. I let this person have a part of me that is held onto only for those deserving... I can only hope he feels guilty for the pain he's caused. He knew how I felt, or at least, knew I was interested...

I said to my friend tonight, "Even though it's not, do you ever feel like you're having the worst night of your life?" Well, I'm starting to think it was the best. The best thing that could've happened to me was the slap in the face I received tonight to show me I need to move on... it's funny; I've heard, from a couple of people (indirectly), that this person is incredibly selfish... the universe has been telling me to move on to something different, but the fact that this person happens to hit every quality I look for held me back from seeing the truth. Now, I can only look forward and truly believe in the fact that being alone is exactly what I need right now. The best part? HE is missing out... not me.

I take pride in the fact that I am an excellent lover and supporter... if you are the one and only in my life, nothing else matters. I dedicate myself to someone, while still keeping the necessary space. It wasn't always this way, but I've grown into a woman someone should be proud to call their own. I am intelligent, creative, caring, beautiful and confident in myself. So, you know what? I'm happy. Secretly, I've been hoping something would go wrong. Sounds strange, but I have felt recently that this is neither healthy, nor necessary in my life at the moment. I'm embarking on a lot of new adventures, and I need to think about myself and ONLY myself. So, thank you, unnamed asshole. Yes, you can be a good friend, but when it came to my heart, you destroyed an instinct I thought rang true. Another lesson learned, another page turned. This is another chapter, another story... another memory that will resonate in a beautiful new song. You already inspired so many... why not ice the cake?