Movin' On Forward

It is quite late, and I was curled up, ready for sleep... but I felt a desire to write I haven't felt in a while... sooo... I'm going with it.

As I lay my head down to the pillow, I instantly realized something. Like a shot in the dark, it jolted me. Once again, I've been misguiding my focus onto things I need not be... misguiding them... to. Or something like that. I'm losing faith in myself, as I start my same routine all over again- procrastination, dreaminess, bad habits...

I had an interesting moment tonight; moments, in fact, right before I lay down to attempt sleep. I talked to God. Now, I don't usually discuss religion on here, mainly because I dislike stirring up strong debates over such touchy subjects... I have high anxiety, remember? BUT. For tonight, I will tell you that I do believe we are far too special to not have something greater than us, out there, watching over us... in one way or another. I do believe most of what I've learned from Christianity. However, I have my own special relationship with said "being" that may go against normal standards. I am comfortable in the fact that I try to live my life the best I can, but acknowledge that I make mistakes and feel remorse for them. I'm tryin'...

Moving along, I had a talk with God... and having not done so in quite some time, I realized how faith is so easily lost. For myself, at least. Without notice, I've lost a little faith in... me... and it's brought my mood down a bit the past few days. What a relief to have realized it this soon! As soon as I have these smack you in the face moments... well. I feel like I've been smacked in the face! It really wakes me up to a new single-life situation that I'm just not used to, I suppose. This is my first time, living completely alone, and it's not always easy. BUT. But, but, but... it is absolutely, totally, one-hundred friggen' percent... worth. it. I'm only a month in, but each day is a tiny hurdle... Tonight, I feel refreshed. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as I return my focus to myself, once again. Not to fear, folks- Shaneil's figurin' shit out!

I'm now even more excited that I already have another 2 days off, coming up soon. Everything's coming together, piece by piece. This puzzle of a life has so much color, some gray areas, even just black and white... but it's all building towards something greater, and I feel it more than ever. I feel myself growing every day, into the woman I've always wanted to be. It's my time to shine, and this fire is BLAZIN'!