*Siiigh* I've been blogging less and less and it makes me sad... but it's a good thing. A very good thing. Life has kept me busy lately and it's a refreshing sense of adventure. I'm out on my own, doing everything on my own, surrounded by family and friends that truly care about me... me me. Not someone I pretend to be so people can tolerate me... they just take my crazy, emotional, dreamy self and love me for who I am. It's quite a feeling to know people truly appreciate you and believe in you. In this new apartment, I feel alive... alive in a way I never have. And I'm making moves at a job I love, yet reconnecting with my passion, music. Ohhh music, I've missed the hell out of you!
As with anyone, though, my life is faaar from perfect. I'm hitting my own bumps in the road, but I'm holding my head high, believing in myself in a way I thought I never could. But yes, I'm looonely. Boo-fricken'-hoo. I greatly dislike feeling this way, but it comes with the territory. I like having someone to come home to, or someone to hold hands with. I know it's cheesy, but I do love love. Who doesn't? I'm accepting and somewhat comfortable with this state of being, but I do not have to like it! *crosses arms*
I'm not particularly interested in discussing one specific topic in this post... I'm sort of just... thinking out loud? Or aloud? Which is it? Anyways. I guess I've been struggling with this "blog" because I'm almost afraid to say "out loud/aloud" what I'm really thinking... which is DEFINITELY a first for me! I guess... I'm still settling into this new feeling... so it's difficult to express. I feel completely different, yet remain the same ol' me. I'm not sure what it all means yet, but I feel good about the future. I can only imagine what it holds, which is dangerous for me, so I'm preparing for the worst, yet hoping for the best. It's strange... I cannot even, for the life of me, be the least bit witty! Sorry folks, guess Shaneil's on a different playing field now. I'd watch for foul balls.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
New Dawn, New Day, New Life... Part 3
Leave it to your best friend to keep you motivated, even if from about 230 miles away! The last two weeks have flown on by, but it's only because I've been so incredibly happy, I barely noticed. I've missed you, blogger- let's chat!
Many of my friends are getting married, getting pregnant, getting puked on by their little ones; but today, it's just me and my little man, Buster. My new place is everything and more... more than I imagined it could be. Sure, it's just a little studio in the heart of Koreatown... but it's so perfect for me, I could puke on myself! From my own space, to the building, to the landlord and all of the tenants within, it is a place I call home with a smile on my face. :) <---see?
I preach about the fact that we control what we receive in life, but it's more than that... it's being able to put yourself out there for good things to happen to you. Sometimes, you have to put pride, dignity, and all of that other rubbish on the shelf, and truly strive for what you want. When I came to view this apartment, I immediately fell in love. Nothing could stop me from getting my dream apartment, not even myself! Through reaching out to friends and family for help financially, manually labor...ly, and emotionally, I achieved my goal and am now sitting in said dream apartment, Buster by my side, helicopters filling the air, a breeze flowing through my windows (which, by the way, face a pretty nice view of LA! Did I mention my last apartment had two windows? That faced walls? WALLS?!) I am exactly where I need to be, and it took letting my guard down and asking for help. They say there's nothing wrong with asking for help, and I stand here as your proof. It is TOTALLY worth it!
Though I give due credit to those who helped me in one way or another, I take pride in the fact that this happened because I made it happen. I made the steps to acquire what I needed to achieve this goal... as for the last two weeks in new habitat? Ohhhh boy...
Through battles with a lack of funds, a lack of necessary moving help, a lack of time, stow away roaches, deflating air mattresses, and so on... I came out on the other side with newfound friendships with amazing neighbors, an aching desire to come home every night, discoveries of little gems in markets that smell like spoiled milk (a broom for a dolla'?? Holla'!), and the perfect setting for me to fall back in love with my true love... music. That's right, kids! I fixed what I thought was a broken string, and have been playing/singing every. flippin'. DAY! My voice has never sounded better, my confidence has never been so strong, and my heart has never been so full of a driving force pushing me towards what I truly want: to attempt something with my music. I need to really dive into it with practice and practice aaaaand... more practice first, but it's coming... oh, yes! It's coming...
I've met some boys and had some fun, I've snuggled my pup when the day is done. I've hung some clothes and dressed some walls, I've reminisced through unpacking it all. This life is mine and only for me, and it's finally what I want it to be... look out world, Shaneil's in the driver's seat, and her high beams are blinding any obstacle in her way! It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me... and damn it, I'm feelin' gooooooood.
Many of my friends are getting married, getting pregnant, getting puked on by their little ones; but today, it's just me and my little man, Buster. My new place is everything and more... more than I imagined it could be. Sure, it's just a little studio in the heart of Koreatown... but it's so perfect for me, I could puke on myself! From my own space, to the building, to the landlord and all of the tenants within, it is a place I call home with a smile on my face. :) <---see?
I preach about the fact that we control what we receive in life, but it's more than that... it's being able to put yourself out there for good things to happen to you. Sometimes, you have to put pride, dignity, and all of that other rubbish on the shelf, and truly strive for what you want. When I came to view this apartment, I immediately fell in love. Nothing could stop me from getting my dream apartment, not even myself! Through reaching out to friends and family for help financially, manually labor...ly, and emotionally, I achieved my goal and am now sitting in said dream apartment, Buster by my side, helicopters filling the air, a breeze flowing through my windows (which, by the way, face a pretty nice view of LA! Did I mention my last apartment had two windows? That faced walls? WALLS?!) I am exactly where I need to be, and it took letting my guard down and asking for help. They say there's nothing wrong with asking for help, and I stand here as your proof. It is TOTALLY worth it!
Though I give due credit to those who helped me in one way or another, I take pride in the fact that this happened because I made it happen. I made the steps to acquire what I needed to achieve this goal... as for the last two weeks in new habitat? Ohhhh boy...
Through battles with a lack of funds, a lack of necessary moving help, a lack of time, stow away roaches, deflating air mattresses, and so on... I came out on the other side with newfound friendships with amazing neighbors, an aching desire to come home every night, discoveries of little gems in markets that smell like spoiled milk (a broom for a dolla'?? Holla'!), and the perfect setting for me to fall back in love with my true love... music. That's right, kids! I fixed what I thought was a broken string, and have been playing/singing every. flippin'. DAY! My voice has never sounded better, my confidence has never been so strong, and my heart has never been so full of a driving force pushing me towards what I truly want: to attempt something with my music. I need to really dive into it with practice and practice aaaaand... more practice first, but it's coming... oh, yes! It's coming...
I've met some boys and had some fun, I've snuggled my pup when the day is done. I've hung some clothes and dressed some walls, I've reminisced through unpacking it all. This life is mine and only for me, and it's finally what I want it to be... look out world, Shaneil's in the driver's seat, and her high beams are blinding any obstacle in her way! It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me... and damn it, I'm feelin' gooooooood.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Addiction- The Cure
I have an extremely addictive personality. I get easily hooked on the most random things, including things I should not do. I'm a known cigarette smoker, I am a very habitual person, including some slight OCD issues... haha. As some of you know. Buuuut... in the right circumstance, this is a good thing for me. I have the ability to create good habits and never lose them. My problem is creating the good habit in the first place. Well, although with a little help (a little LOT of help) from my Grammy, I am hours away from receiving the keys to my very first apartment, all by my lonesome. Obtained on my own. And I couldn't. be. any. friggin'. HAPPIER.
This whole "achieving-things-on-my-own" bit is kinda' nice! What a rewarding feeling... sure, I've been on my own for 8 years now, but I've always had someone there as support- be it a roommate, boyfriend, or staying with family. This is the first time I've ever been completely on my own, and it feels AH-mazing! Now, I did receive some financial "aid" if you will, but it's only because my crappity crap credit score is low, requiring a double-deposit on this "dream apartment" of mine. Had I NOT had such bad credit, I could've easily paid the deposit on my own. Good enough for me!
This feeling of joy... of accomplishment... of pure and undeniable hope and excitement for the future is truly... addicting. Please, sir- I want some more! Yes, please. I have a long list of things I've been wanting to accomplish, and the fire is lit, yet again! Except this time, my head is at last clear of all nonsense. "Lay to rest the wastes of time..." My mind is mine once again, and it's time to get down to fuckin' business. Darn it!
A whole new chapter, fo' shizzle. Nizzle. This is my time to shine... and I don't mean some freak in a poorly-acted movie. Sorry Twizzle. I feel great and I just can't hide my smile these days! It really is a new beginning for me... at last.
This whole "achieving-things-on-my-own" bit is kinda' nice! What a rewarding feeling... sure, I've been on my own for 8 years now, but I've always had someone there as support- be it a roommate, boyfriend, or staying with family. This is the first time I've ever been completely on my own, and it feels AH-mazing! Now, I did receive some financial "aid" if you will, but it's only because my crappity crap credit score is low, requiring a double-deposit on this "dream apartment" of mine. Had I NOT had such bad credit, I could've easily paid the deposit on my own. Good enough for me!
This feeling of joy... of accomplishment... of pure and undeniable hope and excitement for the future is truly... addicting. Please, sir- I want some more! Yes, please. I have a long list of things I've been wanting to accomplish, and the fire is lit, yet again! Except this time, my head is at last clear of all nonsense. "Lay to rest the wastes of time..." My mind is mine once again, and it's time to get down to fuckin' business. Darn it!
A whole new chapter, fo' shizzle. Nizzle. This is my time to shine... and I don't mean some freak in a poorly-acted movie. Sorry Twizzle. I feel great and I just can't hide my smile these days! It really is a new beginning for me... at last.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
A New Beginning - At Last
Wow. You know you really care about someone when you're happy to see them so happy. I had a couple of people tell me this new thing said person has won't last... but even if it doesn't, he just looks so damn happy, I'm almost at peace with it. At the same time, it makes this whole thing a little bit sadder for me.
It's strange how attached you can allow yourself to become to someone in such a short time. (Wow. "Editor's note": That sentence bugs the crap out of me, but I don't know how else to word it. Ha!) I'm sad, but again, relieved. It's all kind of a blur, so I'm left with thoughts of the future. Which I'm really excited about! I'm sooo close to moving into this dream apartment of mine... I'm working out a few kinks, but everything's in my hands. Now, if I could just get some damn movers! ANYONE! Seriously. Please? :D
I have a lot I want to accomplish. One such thing is getting back into music. I miss it more than ever, and I'm aching to feel that guitar in my hand again with newfound perspective and creative juices raring to go... I feel very good things in the future of Shaneil's "music career", in the sense that I'm anxious to actually do something. My little "gig" seems ages ago... another loss in the mess I made. But I'm ready to find it again, and ecstatic to do so!
Things are going to be okay. I truly believe that. It doesn't mean I won't hurt. It doesn't mean I won't ache. It certainly doesn't mean I won't cry. But it does mean that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and my track is finally on course again. Come here, life! Gimme a hug!
It's strange how attached you can allow yourself to become to someone in such a short time. (Wow. "Editor's note": That sentence bugs the crap out of me, but I don't know how else to word it. Ha!) I'm sad, but again, relieved. It's all kind of a blur, so I'm left with thoughts of the future. Which I'm really excited about! I'm sooo close to moving into this dream apartment of mine... I'm working out a few kinks, but everything's in my hands. Now, if I could just get some damn movers! ANYONE! Seriously. Please? :D
I have a lot I want to accomplish. One such thing is getting back into music. I miss it more than ever, and I'm aching to feel that guitar in my hand again with newfound perspective and creative juices raring to go... I feel very good things in the future of Shaneil's "music career", in the sense that I'm anxious to actually do something. My little "gig" seems ages ago... another loss in the mess I made. But I'm ready to find it again, and ecstatic to do so!
Things are going to be okay. I truly believe that. It doesn't mean I won't hurt. It doesn't mean I won't ache. It certainly doesn't mean I won't cry. But it does mean that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and my track is finally on course again. Come here, life! Gimme a hug!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I Saw The Sign...s
Ohhh, what a silly little woman I am! Looking back on everything, I keep seeing the "signs". I feel like one of the characters from "He's Just Not That Into You". I had outside perspectives, similar situations, and the undying hope of something happening- all clouding my mind. Blinded by like...
Sometimes, we want something so bad, we ignore the signs. When you're grasping onto any kind of hope, you tend to only see and hear what you want. All directions pointed to "never gonna happen", but I would take the smallest inkling of possibility and run with it... never looking back at the mess I left behind. Kind of makes me want to kick myself in the ass... but again, it's just another lesson learned. No need to berate myself for following my heart, just need to remember to keep my head on straight in the process.
I keep flashing back to random memories, and end up laughing to myself about the evidence I refused to see... so much makes sense now. So. Much. It actually feels good to look back and recognize what I couldn't back then... I feel like I'm reliving the entire course of events, with a brand new perspective. Boy, was I way off track! Such is this crazy life we're living...
It's been such a rollercoaster ride of a year, up and down and side to side and... ugh, it's making me sick. Haven't I already said I don't like rollercoasters??? Sheesh! I'm planting my feet back on the ground and staying there, damn it! So much and yet so little has happened... but it's all pushing me in the direction that I need to be headed. I'm learning lessons and picking up new tricks along the way. My perspective is completely revamped and I'm reentering my world with hope, courage, love and self-worth. Most importantly, I'm no longer ignoring the signs. The universe has my back if I choose to listen, so I'm all ears. Literally. I had surgery to replace my limbs with extra ears- you can never be too prepared! Or... prepEARed...? Okay, that was a stretch. This is why I write at night.
Sometimes, we want something so bad, we ignore the signs. When you're grasping onto any kind of hope, you tend to only see and hear what you want. All directions pointed to "never gonna happen", but I would take the smallest inkling of possibility and run with it... never looking back at the mess I left behind. Kind of makes me want to kick myself in the ass... but again, it's just another lesson learned. No need to berate myself for following my heart, just need to remember to keep my head on straight in the process.
I keep flashing back to random memories, and end up laughing to myself about the evidence I refused to see... so much makes sense now. So. Much. It actually feels good to look back and recognize what I couldn't back then... I feel like I'm reliving the entire course of events, with a brand new perspective. Boy, was I way off track! Such is this crazy life we're living...
It's been such a rollercoaster ride of a year, up and down and side to side and... ugh, it's making me sick. Haven't I already said I don't like rollercoasters??? Sheesh! I'm planting my feet back on the ground and staying there, damn it! So much and yet so little has happened... but it's all pushing me in the direction that I need to be headed. I'm learning lessons and picking up new tricks along the way. My perspective is completely revamped and I'm reentering my world with hope, courage, love and self-worth. Most importantly, I'm no longer ignoring the signs. The universe has my back if I choose to listen, so I'm all ears. Literally. I had surgery to replace my limbs with extra ears- you can never be too prepared! Or... prepEARed...? Okay, that was a stretch. This is why I write at night.
Me, Myself and I
It's been a long 24 hours... yet, suddenly it's over, and I'm thinking- "What the hell just happened?" I feel different... but I feel relieved more than anything. I feel like I should be sad, but I can't seem to put my head down. Gah... I just thought thoughts that I cannot write down. Focus, Shaneil!
I think sometimes it takes a little heartbreak to reveal those who truly care. They remind you that you are truly blessed and refocus your attention to what's important. I have felt pretty darn good all day, minus the intermittent conversation with said person. It got better... but it's definitely going to be a "friendship-in-progress". I need time to be alone. What better timing than a week before I move out on my own, by myself? Hmm... touche, life.
This is certainly a new chapter for me. I have let things slide by and time slip away on the hope of something I knew would never happen. Ha, it's been a long time since I've been in the, um... "field", is it? I got carried away in the thought of something I thought would be good for me... I don't regret it, because I wrote some pretty kick-ass songs through it all. Songs you should all be hearing soon. That's right, people. As soon as I get into this new apartment... and get paid again haha... I'm restringing my poor, lonesome guitar and revisiting an old love. It's been too long... I'll never be unfaithful again.
Times, they are a-changin'... that's for damn sure! The shock I didn't expect numbed the initial pain of it all... I'm sure a good cry is in order, but for now I'm holding my head high and moving forward. I feel confident in the fact that one day, I will meet someone who recognizes what I stand for, appreciates the joy I find in life, and cherishes the love I share... Just little ol' me. In the meantime? I'm my own fuckin' best friend, and it's about time I acted like it.
I think sometimes it takes a little heartbreak to reveal those who truly care. They remind you that you are truly blessed and refocus your attention to what's important. I have felt pretty darn good all day, minus the intermittent conversation with said person. It got better... but it's definitely going to be a "friendship-in-progress". I need time to be alone. What better timing than a week before I move out on my own, by myself? Hmm... touche, life.
This is certainly a new chapter for me. I have let things slide by and time slip away on the hope of something I knew would never happen. Ha, it's been a long time since I've been in the, um... "field", is it? I got carried away in the thought of something I thought would be good for me... I don't regret it, because I wrote some pretty kick-ass songs through it all. Songs you should all be hearing soon. That's right, people. As soon as I get into this new apartment... and get paid again haha... I'm restringing my poor, lonesome guitar and revisiting an old love. It's been too long... I'll never be unfaithful again.
Times, they are a-changin'... that's for damn sure! The shock I didn't expect numbed the initial pain of it all... I'm sure a good cry is in order, but for now I'm holding my head high and moving forward. I feel confident in the fact that one day, I will meet someone who recognizes what I stand for, appreciates the joy I find in life, and cherishes the love I share... Just little ol' me. In the meantime? I'm my own fuckin' best friend, and it's about time I acted like it.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
A Lesson Learned
I feel like such an idiot tonight. Why I ever let anything get built up in my head... my fucking imagination is a double-edge sword. It can inspire and create beautiful songs, poetry and whatnot... but when it comes to something I really want that will probably never happen or is too good to be true... welllll then it tends to get out of hand and I'm left with the shattered pieces of my heart in the end. Welcome to my world.
I've talked about how "not looking for anything" is a crock of shit. Well, it's true. You're not looking for anything until you find something worth looking for... I recently found something worth looking for. Unfortunately, this person did not feel the same. Unbeknownst to me, though, I held on and hoped for the best. Now I'm sitting here, ashamed and disappointed in myself for ever thinking otherwise. What a cruel world life can be... especially when emotions are involved. I let this person have a part of me that is held onto only for those deserving... I can only hope he feels guilty for the pain he's caused. He knew how I felt, or at least, knew I was interested...
I said to my friend tonight, "Even though it's not, do you ever feel like you're having the worst night of your life?" Well, I'm starting to think it was the best. The best thing that could've happened to me was the slap in the face I received tonight to show me I need to move on... it's funny; I've heard, from a couple of people (indirectly), that this person is incredibly selfish... the universe has been telling me to move on to something different, but the fact that this person happens to hit every quality I look for held me back from seeing the truth. Now, I can only look forward and truly believe in the fact that being alone is exactly what I need right now. The best part? HE is missing out... not me.
I take pride in the fact that I am an excellent lover and supporter... if you are the one and only in my life, nothing else matters. I dedicate myself to someone, while still keeping the necessary space. It wasn't always this way, but I've grown into a woman someone should be proud to call their own. I am intelligent, creative, caring, beautiful and confident in myself. So, you know what? I'm happy. Secretly, I've been hoping something would go wrong. Sounds strange, but I have felt recently that this is neither healthy, nor necessary in my life at the moment. I'm embarking on a lot of new adventures, and I need to think about myself and ONLY myself. So, thank you, unnamed asshole. Yes, you can be a good friend, but when it came to my heart, you destroyed an instinct I thought rang true. Another lesson learned, another page turned. This is another chapter, another story... another memory that will resonate in a beautiful new song. You already inspired so many... why not ice the cake?
I've talked about how "not looking for anything" is a crock of shit. Well, it's true. You're not looking for anything until you find something worth looking for... I recently found something worth looking for. Unfortunately, this person did not feel the same. Unbeknownst to me, though, I held on and hoped for the best. Now I'm sitting here, ashamed and disappointed in myself for ever thinking otherwise. What a cruel world life can be... especially when emotions are involved. I let this person have a part of me that is held onto only for those deserving... I can only hope he feels guilty for the pain he's caused. He knew how I felt, or at least, knew I was interested...
I said to my friend tonight, "Even though it's not, do you ever feel like you're having the worst night of your life?" Well, I'm starting to think it was the best. The best thing that could've happened to me was the slap in the face I received tonight to show me I need to move on... it's funny; I've heard, from a couple of people (indirectly), that this person is incredibly selfish... the universe has been telling me to move on to something different, but the fact that this person happens to hit every quality I look for held me back from seeing the truth. Now, I can only look forward and truly believe in the fact that being alone is exactly what I need right now. The best part? HE is missing out... not me.
I take pride in the fact that I am an excellent lover and supporter... if you are the one and only in my life, nothing else matters. I dedicate myself to someone, while still keeping the necessary space. It wasn't always this way, but I've grown into a woman someone should be proud to call their own. I am intelligent, creative, caring, beautiful and confident in myself. So, you know what? I'm happy. Secretly, I've been hoping something would go wrong. Sounds strange, but I have felt recently that this is neither healthy, nor necessary in my life at the moment. I'm embarking on a lot of new adventures, and I need to think about myself and ONLY myself. So, thank you, unnamed asshole. Yes, you can be a good friend, but when it came to my heart, you destroyed an instinct I thought rang true. Another lesson learned, another page turned. This is another chapter, another story... another memory that will resonate in a beautiful new song. You already inspired so many... why not ice the cake?
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