Eye on the Prize

It's funny- in order for me to stay focused, I have to distract myself. That is to say, I have to keep my mind busy to keep myself busy. If something's on my mind or something's bothering me, I will sit there and dwell on it and overanalyze and sink into the abyss of worrying about things I need not worry about. And so I write and sing and play and get it all out. Then what? Well, then ladies and gentlemen, Shaneil is productive!

It's hard to get me going, but once I start cleaning up, I can't stop. I love it. Just need to find a way to spread it out and clean as I go more. Which I have been. So the place actually looks pretty great, thanks to the efforts of myself and my amazing roomie! Getting things organized and clean really does disinfect the mind. I've been more focused on things that matter to me- music, work, friends and family. So today, in order to not completely waste another day off, I got all of my laundry done- all of it. And there was a lot. I had to use all four machines both times, and I cram. I know you're not supposed to, but I do. Get over it. I also cleaned up my room, which has been a bit of a wreck lately. I made sure I ate meals at appropriate "breakfast", "lunch" and "dinner" hours. And I played. And I played well. Really well. I was so damn proud of myself, I played the whole demo again. It sounded great! My guitar needs a little tightening here and there, but it will be like that for a while. Still learning that. But the vocals were of high value to me, and that makes me very happy. It got me pumped for recording this demo I have been talking about (well, not on here yet) for eight months. Maybe more. It reignited that fire I felt the night of my first gig. I'd call that pretty damn focused. All I want to do is record this thing. I'm so flippin' excited to have something on an actual recording! The video on facebook/youtube was thrilling for me! A tiny little home video. Melted my heart. Lit up my soul. Rejuvenated the love and passion I have for music. I have to hold on to that, because it so easily slips away with the distractions of life. So I'm staying motivated. I'm staying driven. I'm staying focused.

When put to good use, my crazy-always-thinking-never-stopping brain can actually focus on something and make big steps towards the ultimate goal. I just have to keep writing. Keep playing. Keep myself happy- love, learn, live. Keep my head high and remember that I am worth much more than I give myself credit for. Most of us are. We try to find validation in everything but ourselves. Well, myself has been pep-talkin' the HELL out of...well, myself, and reminding...again, myself, what I am worth and what I deserve. I deserve to at least try something with my music. I deserve to move up in my job. I deserve to have the friends I have around me. And I deserve someone one day who truly appreciates me for me. Everything about me. The bad with the good. The ugly with the sexy. The weaknesses with the strengths. Just good ol'...me.

So, yeah- I'm makin' changes and I like it! Just to further what I said in the previous post. I feel good. I feel focused. Yes, my heart and mind are still a little scatter-brained, but I'm healing and learning and continuing to love. I'm anxious to get this recording done, and see what I can do with it. I'm not expecting much, but I'm excited to finally make small steps towards something I've thought about my entire life. One day at a time. One step at a time. Slowly but surely, this lady's going for something more! A chance at true happiness. In all aspects of my life. Starting with music. Works every time.

A Change (A Change!) Would Do You Good

So, I was looking over my blog, and firstly- I am a blabbermouth! Holy crap! Thanks to everyone who follows and the kind words you have said about my writing. It really means a lot. Anyone even glancing at this ridiculous ramble is a compliment to me- I started writing this just for me. So I'm touched when anyone comments, relates, or just drops a line to say they enjoy reading. Thank you :) Secondly, my little headline or... tagline? What is that thing called below the name of the blog? I'm so not hip. Anyways, it ends with "I'm makin' changes and I like it!". So I started thinking, have I made changes? Where am I at in life now? Where am I going? And most importantly, where do I want to go? What do I want?

I know I'm on a new journey in life, a new chapter. And it's in my hands to make the most of it. Only I control my life- no one else. This has gotten me to the point I'm at now. I had to start living for me and not so much for other people. Find out what I'm like, and stop adapting to my surroundings. Over the last couple of years, it was a struggle. I had to filter through some I thought were friends, some I need at a distance, and meanwhile the really special ones twinkled like stars in the night sky. It got easier for me to find out who actually appreciated who I really am. I'm blessed to have so many good friends, and many still forming. The compassion I feel from everyone around me is overwhelming at times. But it makes the nights at home alone a LOT easier. I need to get my mind in order, for my heart is full and pumping along strong. I feel the love, I'm just distracted. With... stuff. Well, stuff, enough is enough. Let's get moving!

A line in an absolutely beautiful song I haven't been able to get out of my head since I heard it is... "You're hurting from love, yet you're learning from love"- (Connie Lim- "Now". Look. Her. Up!) This pretty much captures what I'm going through right now. I'm hurting from the loneliness of, once again, being alone. I've been feeling sorry for myself, but pushing myself through it with my head held high. I'm doing well. I am. It's up and down, good and bad. It's why I started this blog. My very first post is my revelation of the things I'm learning from love. I've come to realize what I need from someone else to make my life better. To enrich it. To thrive in it. It's a beautiful thing when you finally realize what really makes you happy. But it makes you picky. I'm humbled by anyone who thinks I'm better than good, but I'm aware of what kind of person can put up with me, so I lean towards that. Ha! But it's really that connection I'm looking for. "Your soul's recognition of its counterpart in another"- a pretty damn good line from Wedding Crashers! Love it.

I've talked about how I'm not looking for anything, but wouldn't turn it down either. This is true, BUT- it would have to be something that betters my life and with someone who could push me and drive me to follow my heart and dreams. Right now, that's what I'm focusing on. It's why I do like being alone right now. Sure, there are things I miss (as in "Hey There, Lonely Girl"...haha), but I'm finally focusing on myself and my life and what I want it to be. I know I want to pursue music, really give it a go. It's scary, yes. Slowly but surely, I am making small steps towards it. The fire's growing, though, and I'm starting to dive a little deeper. I feel like I'm ready to push a little harder and roll with the punches. Time is only slipping away, so no time to waste!

My day job is my comfort zone. I do love my job, and feel lucky to have my main source of income be something I actually enjoy. I'm so excited to be in the middle of interviews for assistant manager. I know I can do this and I'm looking forward to, obviously, the money- but the challenge. I love working. I always have, thank goodness. I don't always like going to work, but I take pride in it. No matter the job. I've pushed myself like never before in this district, and have gained a lot of respect and a lot of amazing people I call friends. I'm continuing this journey with Starbucks, but I am focusing on music. It's what I truly love, more than anything. I have so many apprehensions and insecurities with my music that it would blow your mind. It's ridiculous. But after my first show, I felt something I haven't felt in a long time. The passion flowed through every vein and I felt the wind pick me up and carry me to cloud 9. It was such an amazing feeling, and all I wanted to do was sing again. I miss it. And to do it with my own music?? Such an honor. Now I just have to get better at guitar. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, prac-SERIOUSLY... so much practice.

I feel like I AM making changes. Things are going very well for me, I'm just getting my mind in line with my heart, and vice versa. They seem to keep crossing each other, but never long enough to co-exist on the same wavelength. But I'm writing. I'm feeling. I'm expressing. I'm singing. I'm playing. I'm loving. I'm living. Life is a tricky thing, but you learn what to embrace and what to accept and what to filter. Like life's coffepot.

Lame ending? I thought so, too. Rewrite it for me. Seriously.

Somebody To Lean On

I'm happy when everybody else is happy. So when a good friend of mine is down, all I want to do is help. Hell, not even just "good" friends, anyone in general. I can't help it. I have that motherly-let-me-wipe-your-tears syndrome. I want to hold and console every aching heart and try to make it better. It's exhausting! But, gratifying. And that's all that matters.

Sometimes, people don't want help. I understand this all too well. Stubborn as I am, sometimes I want to figure it out myself and find my own peace with a situation. And sometimes, that's the way it should be. Some things are meant to be dealt with in private, with your own thoughts, your own responses. I have to talk myself through things, sometimes. Yes, I talk out loud. What have I told you about judging me??

I may not always know the details, or understand the pain, but I can be there with a clean shoulder and a comforting hand. And probably a lame joke. I can't help it. I gotta' try to get that smile on your face! I know that, when I'm down about something, even just a hello from an old friend can totally change my mood. People tend to refrain from reaching out because of fear. Fear of a negative reaction, no reaction, too much reaction- but I don't care. I will always put myself out there, because people need people. People need that comfort and support. It's how we thrive. We all need each other, so it's incredibly ridiculous to me how much we fight, bicker, hate and destroy each other. We should be looking to each other for a helping hand, without fear that there won't be one.

Take last night. I got off of work, and SURPRISE! It was raining! I happen to carry an umbrella in my work bag every day, so I was dry and cozy under my little umbrella at the bus stop. I look to my right, and this poor girl is standing in the rain, obviously unaware of the impending weather as I was, arms tight around herself and obvious impatience for the bus to show up. I made a joke about unfolding the big umbrella the parking guy uses, and discovered she doesn't really speak English. No problem! I walked over, handed her my umbrella, and threw my hood on. Hell, the girl was dressed to impress while I stood in my coffee-inspired ensemble- what did I need the damn umbrella for?? She was so sweet! "Thank you! Thank you!" was all she could utter in a language I could understand. She kept putting the umbrella over my head, too, so through much resistance and laughter, I finally stood there next to her in the rain, one under each half of the umbrella. Slightly awkward, yes- but we were both dry and happy. We went to get on the bus, and she insisted I go first. Though we never spoke, she made it a point to say goodbye and thank you again as she departed the bus. What a sweet girl! She totally made my night, and all I did was share a tiny portion of a crappy umbrella. These are those random acts of kindness I speak of. Pay it forward, as they say. It felt great!

I'm not trying to be all "Ooh I'm so awesome, I help people!" I just think if more people did little things like that, the world would be a better place. As cheesy as it is, Starbucks has a mission statement that says "One person, one cup, one neighborhood at a time." I like to think of this as my life's motto. Except, maybe more like "one person, one random act of kindness, one day at a time." Day by day. Person by person. I take it step by step. (No, I will not break into the theme from said show...but yes, I really want to). It doesn't take much to reach out and touch someone in need. So why waste all your time thinking about yourself?

We do, of course, need to think of ourselves, also. That's where my writing comes in, my two amazing boys whom I love dearly, the friends I surround myself with... you are all a part of what makes me "me" and contribute in your own little ways every day. And probably don't even realize it. I keep myself sane by keeping people I love around me. I reach out to everyone, and in turn they reach out to me. It's a two-way street. We're all on it, coasting along this thing called life. Now get off your damn cell phone before you run someone over!

Hugs For Free

I want things I can't have. I miss someone I can't tell. I have a roomie, but feel like I live alone. I'm happy, but down all the time. My life needs to make up it's MIND! Siiiiigh. Someone hold me. Or let me punch them. I feel like either way, I'd feel better. This is another one of those "not sure what to title or write about" yet posts. But again, you already know the title. Sooo.....if you could clue me in, that would be great. Yeaaah...

Things are going really great for me right now. In most aspects. We all have our thorns...but I feel a deep void I can't ignore and I haven't put my finger on it just yet. I feel like every time I write, be it this blog or a song, I get that much closer to figuring it out. So I guess time will tell. Hey, time! Speed it up buddy! Love, Shaneil.

Everyone has a void inside of them that, when filled, creates an overwhelming happiness and joy for life. And like one giant bakery, we all require different fillings and different flavors to make us feel complete. What is mine, you ask? Love. Love, love, love, love...craaaazy love. Well, not exactly. I'm not saying I need some man with roses and a promise of forever right now. Slow down, cowboy! I just need to be loved. Hell, we ALL need to be loved. But I think I need it on a deeper level. I've mentioned my constant need for interaction, but I miss having someone I'm close with. Someone I can talk to on a regular basis. A best friend. Don't get me wrong, Jamie is my best friend and I love her dearly. But I see her less now that we live together... not sure how that came about, but she has her own life to take care of. And very good reason for being off in her own world. Just so we're clear, this is NOTHING against her. (Love you Boo!)

Chris was my boyfriend and my best friend. I lost both of those in one day. I feel extremely lonely most of the time, and though I am blessed to have many dear friends in my life, most of them are only through a computer screen. Apparently I need to get out more. But this is difficult for me with no vehicle, a busy schedule, and a not-so full call log. And hey, I'm not bagging on anybody. Life gets in the way of fun, and you don't exactly see me making too many calls! But we're all busy. What the hell happened to the fun times? Oh yeah... we grew up. Booo.

I find solace in my music and writing. I tell music and tell through music what I don't tell anyone else. So really, music is my best friend. I'm okay with that, but music can't tangibly put its arms around me for a good ol' hug. Man, I love me some hugs. They heal the soul. Forget the punch in the face, I just need a hug.

Yup, I'm a hugger. On a lighter note, I have a friend who is not a hugger. By ANY means. So it's kind of fun to mess with her and hug her REAL good. Miss ya Jess! But I LOVE hugs. A good pair of comforting arms holding me tight to remind me I am loved. I hug everyone, but there are certain hugs you get that hold on for that extra second, and you feel your world at peace. I need one of those. Any takers?

Hugging is weird for some people, but next time you're around someone you really love, give 'em a real good hug. If not for you, for me. Because if it's me, I know I'd appreciate it, and you just never know who may be in need of one at that moment.

PS. Time, let's not fight. I respect you, just wish you'd get things moving along already. I love you, but I don't like you all the time. I'm sure it's mutual. Do you- do you want a hug?

Hooonesty- is Such a Lonely Word

Gotta' love Billy. He really hammers those nails on the head! I think honesty is so hard to find these days. You're either too afraid to use it, or use the alternative for evil. Life would be so much easier if everyone was honest. Well, not so much easier. But people wouldn't walk around like idiots for not knowing the truth anymore. I, for one, greatly dislike that feeling.

I try to be as honest as possible. Although, I also recognize when a situation calls for a lack of details. Let's be clear here, I'm not talking about lying. I'm talking about leaving out details that are not needed in specific conversations. You want total honesty? Read my songs. If you're not mentioned, you probably already know how I feel about you. Or at least, if I like you or not as a person. Although, I pretty much like everyone. Allllmost everyone. So I probably like you if I talk to you. Well, let's be honest, you know I like you if I'm usually nice to you, but give you a loooot of shit. It's what I do. And if it's more than that, or I'm angry with you, it's in a song. It's how I express the feelings I know I shouldn't be feeling. It's my therapy.

Seriously, though- I'm pretty much an open book. You can flip the pages without worrying about offending me or "crossing a line". I like to be open and honest, because- how the hell will you get to know me if I don't show you me? So I stick to the truth. I hear it's the best policy.

A lot of people struggle with opening up and trusting someone. Believe me, I am careful about who I share things with and who I don't. Hence, the lack of details. But sometimes, people hold back when they probably shouldn't. Open up, let someone in, take a risk! How will you know what could be if you never let it be? I try to follow my heart and my gut. They both usually have good instincts. My brain keeps me focused on who's important, and who can shove it. They're a great team!

I guess my point is, it's not always good to have your guard up. And it's certainly not okay to lie to get your way, or toy with someone's emotions. People tend to appreciate honesty, and with the right delivery, you can really set someone at ease. I like honesty. So tell me how you feel! I bet I can take it. And if I don't... you can tell me to shove it. And I will.

Follow Your Heart

My heart hurts today...it does. I'm not exactly sure why. But it aches. For what? Not sure yet...

I noticed that I've been talking about my heart a lot...be it through words of my family, or thoughts of shopping with great friends; my heart goes into everything I do, so it's brought up quite a bit. So what a place to write about it. Welcome to my heart.

My heart is a peculiar thing...as I'm sure everyone's is. Unfortunately for me, I tend to lead with it. This is not always good, for my heart yearns for what my mind can't have. You need a balance between the two to sustain a happy life...well, heart- calm down. Things will get better soon. I feel it.

My heart is a delicate flower, petals barely hanging on, scent stronger than ever, yearning for the sun to resurrect it's shine. It keeps me going, but drags me down. It lifts me up, yet knocks me off my feet. Heart, you are certainly a roller-coaster, and we all know how I feel about those.

My heart is probably my best quality. I'm far from perfect, yet happy with who I am. Thank you heart, for giving me the kindness and compassion to show mankind that I am not hard, but soft and gentle. I weep at things I probably "shouldn't". I ache for people you avoid. I want the best for everyone.

But heart, sometimes you really get me angry...sometimes, I have certain priorities and ambitions in mind, and you stray from the path. Get back over here!!! Yes, I'm emotional. Yes, I'm sensitive. Yes, I like me the way I am.

My heart guides me down the road to a new tomorrow. It provides comfort from the bad in life. It shelters me from the cold. It also reaches out when it should stay in...but we're working on that. I would rather my heart lead the way, paving a road full of caring and love, then a road full of worry or doubt. My heart is a trouble-maker, but with the right intentions. Every day, I work on my heart. It grows stronger with each connection, each random act of kindness, each hand held out to lift up the weak...it keeps me strong. I love you, heart- for everything you are. And everything I am. I owe...to you.



Not sure where this post was going, but here's a song I wrote called "Heart":

My heart hurts today,
so afraid of everything I'm feeling- inside
of me, can't find my brain.
My heart is taking over everything.
Oh, feelings please just go away.
I can't bear to feel this pain...
but oh, if I try and turn away,
I replace this pain with another...

My heart hurts tonight.
Searching dark to finally see the light-
in this hole, I've built for me to lay.
Circumstance is standing in my way.
But oh, if I try to erase it-
I can face it, someday-
but still, I turn and run away-
from this pain, in my heart.
From the way, that it's scarred me.

My heart might die.
Too many reason why-
to explain to a crowd, or to even say out loud.
It just might...tonight...
tonight might be the night...

Bad for the Wallet, Good for the Heart

I. Went. Shopping today. Now, I am not much of a girly-girl, for one- but I was reminded today why I don't shop so much. I like it. A lot. But I end up buying a bunch of crap I don't really get any use out of. You see, since I don't really care for money, I tend to just throw it away. Usually on other people, but when having a great time with an amazing friend, it's easy to watch those receipts pile up. Today, that sort of happened. But it was for me. And it felt goooood.

I've been working really hard at my new store, on top of writing this blog as much as possible while playing and writing songs. With my current health problems (well, mainly my teeth), I have been feeling pre-t-ty mis-er-a-ble, while masking it with a smile and a laugh. It sucks. And I know what you're already thinking...the money I spent today should've been put towards my teeth. You think I don't know that?? Hence, the statement about why I do not shop! BUT! I did buy things I've been needing. So stuff it.

This is very bad for my wallet, yes. I spent a decent amount of money, though again, on things I need. So this is somewhat good. For my heart? I had an amazing day with an amazing friend of mine, Veronica. This girl is a HOOT and a sweetheart to boot. My mentor and friend, she truly made my day today. We spent 4 1/2 HOURS at the mall...it's been a while for me...I was weak! And she is NOT a good influence!! Nope, nope, nope. But we had some great talks, and some incredible laughs! And though I was aching from a severe lack of sleep last night and the remains of my energy thanks to Monster, the time flew as the good times were had! This is why I love shopping. It was so nice to go out and be a girl! I rarely do this, and it feels even that much more fun when I do. I'm a chill-with-the-guys-drink-some-beers-and-belch kinda gal...but having my "girl days" is a refreshing reminder of the woman that I am. It boosts my confidence. Reminds me to be silly and giggle. Reminds me to be vunerable. Reminds me to be gentle. In spite of the pain I feel, my head is high and I feel alive! So, no- I don't regret spending the money. How could I regret the laughs and talks shared with a person I admire more than most?

My wallet is slimmer (and newer...), but my heart is full. Today was a good day. I'm exhausted from the work day, and probably still smell like coffee. And pretty much every product in Bath & Body Works... (they were having a sale...SALE.) But I'm happy. And every moment counts. So I'm counting my blessings, one moment at a time. Today, I have an overflowing heart full of these such moments. And NOTHING gets better than that!





PS... While shopping, I didn't smoke for six hours...thought I forgot about that, didn't ya??? This is a good thing, by the way...I don't exactly make it that long normally...baby steps, people! One moment at a time...I'm not perfect! And you stress me out!