As 2011 nears its end, I'm driven to reflect on this last year, as many of us do. It's almost surreal thinking of all that has happened this year... ending my 5-year relationship, numerous attempts at finding new love, living with and somehow losing one of my best friends, acquiring my very first apartment to myself, losing my dream job and starting a new path, hearing my ex is married... among the ups and downs of the year, the greatest gift I could ever receive was a brand, new, true love. The kind of love that happens quickly, but lasts a lifetime. The kind of love that embraces all of your wildest dreams, and creates new ones. The kind of love you couldn't understand unless you've been there.
I couldn't care for and appreciate this man more than I already do, yet somehow it grows stronger every day. Every part of me I only imagined someone would one day understand, he not only gets, he loves. I can be neurotic, controlling, emotional, ridiculously nerdy and dorky, independent, overattentive, worrisome, just... me. Me, myself and I. No one else. He embraces the good with the bad. Hell, he thinks it's sexy when I correct his spelling and grammar! Umm... jackpot maybe?
It hasn't even been a month, but I knew from the moment we met (officially) that this was something special. The best part of it all is knowing he feels exactly the same way. There are no anxious feelings, just comfort. I don't ache with anticipation when he's away; I know he'll always be back. He is hard-working, independent, loving, supportive, goofy, hilarious, and- well... he loves me. Which shows how intelligent he is. ;)
They say when you least expect it, it finds you. I spent a good majority of this year wondering when this so-called "it" would find me. There were many lonely nights, heartbreaks, bouts of desperation and close-calls to giving up... through it all, I remained true to myself, my heart and my soul. I never really gave up, though I did attempt to force feelings in some situations. When it comes along, though, there is no forcing to be had... it happens naturally. You can't stop it, you can't control it; you can only get in, sit down, shut up and hang on for dear life. Neither of us knows what the future holds, but we're taking it one day at a time. There will be fights, tough times, obstacles and barriers; but when it's real, all barriers can and will be broken. I have faith that, for now at least, my heart is in the right hands. Whatever happens from here on out, happens.
I am happier than I have been in a long time, if ever. My blessings could fill the depths of space. So as I ring in the new year, I look back with a smile on my face. No matter what has happened over the course of 2011, I know in my heart it was meant to be... leading me to my current state of bliss. I don't know what 2012 holds in store, but I'm ready and able to take in the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I've learned anything, it's to never lose faith, never lose hope, never look back with regret... always love, always embrace the moment, and always remember that there's always a brand new day tomorrow. Wishing everyone a happy holiday, a glorious new year, and the strength to continue on in life, no matter what it hands you. No funny ending here, just positive vibes to my loved ones and theirs... may you be showered with the love I receive every day from my sweetheart, and may you never lose faith in yourself. Happy Holidays! <3
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I'm All Shook Up
So many interesting things happening in my life right now... some good, sooome... not so good. "Well, what on earth do you mean, Shaneil?" Oh! Listen up!
I guess I shouldn't get you too excited... some 'happenings' in my life are better left unsaid at the moment... I am definitely feeling a twist of emotions, as I bounce between hope for the future, and angst for what may occur. I have accomplished so much recently, and am extremely proud of it... but. I am about to learn a tough lesson in sticking to my gut and following my moral instincts. It has shaken me awake to the fact that it could all disappear in an instant. No matter the outcome, I only have myself to blame, and that is not a fun feeling. Taking full responsibility for actions that damage your life is a difficult, but necessary, choice. As I've said before, you choose the outcome of your life. You can't control what's given to you, but you can and should control how you handle it. Having taken a situation and chosen the wrong path, I am dealing with the consequences, whatever they may be, and continuing down this path called life the best way I know how... true to myself; true to my heart.
My career is either going to take a very sharp turn, or continue on with a slap on the hand... in any case, my perspective is completely revamped and my guard up more than ever. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I chose to do something wrong and am feeling the pain as I await the results... In my life, I've always believed in good karma. Call it what you want, but every time I chose to be honest and true when I could've attempted the alternative, something good came back around and proved my choice valid. Now, I sit and stew as I find out what the bad can be... another lesson learned; another growth opportunity. I guess we'll just see...
On the other side of the rusty penny, I'm embracing love from all directions. I have a large number of people in my life who care about me, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. You know who you are, and I appreciate you. No matter what happens in life, having a strong support system can get you through the toughest of times. While my journey continues to move up and down, I can always count on the fact that I have a number of shoulders to cry on, lean on, or rest on with a smile on my face. Most importantly, I have myself to count on... and Buster. :) If I get down on myself, he reminds me that at least one being has unconditional love for me... even if I make a mistake. He's my little guy, and my big rock. I just love the heck out of him!
When life throws the ball in your face, go for three more and take the base! Or walk to the mound and punch life in the mouth. Either way, the earth may move below your feet, shaking your world and knocking things down a bit... but if you keep your balance, head on straight, and eyes looking forward- everything falls into place exactly as it should be. So yes, I'm a bit anxious to see what the next couple of weeks hold, but I know that everything happening to me is leading me in the direction it's supposed to... my future. No one else's future, just mine. What I do with it is in my hands, and I prefer the driver's seat over the passenger's. I like to hold the remote. And I wanna push the button!! Okay, I love you, buh bye!
I guess I shouldn't get you too excited... some 'happenings' in my life are better left unsaid at the moment... I am definitely feeling a twist of emotions, as I bounce between hope for the future, and angst for what may occur. I have accomplished so much recently, and am extremely proud of it... but. I am about to learn a tough lesson in sticking to my gut and following my moral instincts. It has shaken me awake to the fact that it could all disappear in an instant. No matter the outcome, I only have myself to blame, and that is not a fun feeling. Taking full responsibility for actions that damage your life is a difficult, but necessary, choice. As I've said before, you choose the outcome of your life. You can't control what's given to you, but you can and should control how you handle it. Having taken a situation and chosen the wrong path, I am dealing with the consequences, whatever they may be, and continuing down this path called life the best way I know how... true to myself; true to my heart.
My career is either going to take a very sharp turn, or continue on with a slap on the hand... in any case, my perspective is completely revamped and my guard up more than ever. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I chose to do something wrong and am feeling the pain as I await the results... In my life, I've always believed in good karma. Call it what you want, but every time I chose to be honest and true when I could've attempted the alternative, something good came back around and proved my choice valid. Now, I sit and stew as I find out what the bad can be... another lesson learned; another growth opportunity. I guess we'll just see...
On the other side of the rusty penny, I'm embracing love from all directions. I have a large number of people in my life who care about me, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. You know who you are, and I appreciate you. No matter what happens in life, having a strong support system can get you through the toughest of times. While my journey continues to move up and down, I can always count on the fact that I have a number of shoulders to cry on, lean on, or rest on with a smile on my face. Most importantly, I have myself to count on... and Buster. :) If I get down on myself, he reminds me that at least one being has unconditional love for me... even if I make a mistake. He's my little guy, and my big rock. I just love the heck out of him!
When life throws the ball in your face, go for three more and take the base! Or walk to the mound and punch life in the mouth. Either way, the earth may move below your feet, shaking your world and knocking things down a bit... but if you keep your balance, head on straight, and eyes looking forward- everything falls into place exactly as it should be. So yes, I'm a bit anxious to see what the next couple of weeks hold, but I know that everything happening to me is leading me in the direction it's supposed to... my future. No one else's future, just mine. What I do with it is in my hands, and I prefer the driver's seat over the passenger's. I like to hold the remote. And I wanna push the button!! Okay, I love you, buh bye!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Speak the Unspoken
I know I ramble on and moan and groan on this blog... but I don't do this for other people. I do this for myself. Anyone even remotely interested in what I have to say is flattering to me, but I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything. I just need this. If I don't get some of the thoughts in my head out, I may explode one day. I'm thankful for my always-movin' mind because it makes me somewhat intelligent, thoughtful and creative... I just wish it would slow down every once in a while... take a break. Sometimes, I feel like one of those fools with a stick protruding from my head, dangling some secret desire of mine that my mind is racing to find. We all know how that story ends...
Today... is a sad day. My family is about to lose a member; and for one person in particular, they are experiencing some very mixed emotions. Emotions I can certainly relate to... you see, my great-grandfather (my Grammy's father) is on life-support and about to pass on... their relationship is a complicated one, but I'm not here to air someone else's laundry...
I'm here because the whole ordeal has thrown me into thoughts of my family. I've had a good life, but it was littered with drama, pain, hidden feelings, regret, loneliness... of course, everyone has their own story; their own pain and experiences. Mine is just another example. The biggest issue for me has always been my father. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about that... but I will say that I understand the feelings my grandmother is feeling right now, as she says goodbye to someone so important, who was never around. I do, however, need to talk about something... so I will finally talk about... Monte.
To understand Monte, you have to understand that side of the family first. My grandparents were strict, but kind and loving. You were well taken care of, but taught the value of every penny counting. I know this, because my dad left me in their care until I was 16. Which, at this point, I'm thankful for. They brought me up well, and I'm grateful for everything they've ever done for me. Monte stayed with us for most of my childhood, and when he eventually moved out, he bought the house next door. Needless to say, he was a big part of my life. Monte was more outgoing, outspoken and honest than the rest of the family. I loved him for it... I always had a lot of respect for the person he was. I lost touch with him once living on my own, as I had fallen into a lifestyle of partying and "finding myself". It took a lot of great talks with my Papa and prayer to not fall into a pit of regret for those lost years... but Monte loved me through it all. Unbeknownst to me for most of those years, he kept a room ready for me in his house, just in case I ever needed it. My well-being was always in the back of his mind, no matter what. He was more than an uncle to me, he was the big brother I never had, and the father figure I craved all my life.
When Monte passed, it was so sudden and unexpected. I received the call at work from my step-aunt to come home... and I knew immediately that someone had died. I don't know how I knew, but you just do. The whole way there, I thought it was my father... I cannot even begin to describe the emotions running through me that entire car ride. It was absolutely horrible. I don't have it in me to describe what happened when I arrived, but when I found out who it was... have you ever had every inch of breath leave your body and all of your limbs go numb? All at once? I will never forget that moment. I can barely remember the next two weeks. I do not handle loss well. Less than a month later, one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly.
Mike Gerking was easily loved. He had a mischievous face and could make you laugh your ass off. He was a dear friend of mine, even my prom date one year, and a hell of a musician. Losing someone is tough; losing two of the most important people from my life was tragic. Mike had a lot of health problems he was working through, and eventually passed in his sleep. Monte... Monte left on top of his game. He had just finished a flag-football tournament in Vegas, but missed his flight. He grabbed a rental, drove in the direction of his car, and went off the road into the canal about 20 miles from his destination. He left behind no wife, no kids... but he owned his own home. He was starting a very well-paying job that week. He had many amazing friends (that I met at his funeral... such wonderful people I never knew existed). And he had my heart. No matter what happened in my life, I knew he had my back. There are days I think I see him, and my heart stops. It's been 5 1/2 years, but to this day, it feels like yesterday.
It feels good to talk about him... I've never put in writing what I went through. Though I didn't share all of the details, it feels good to put something down. I've learned that people live on through you... through your memories of them; stories, experiences... talking about them keeps them alive in your heart. I'm thinking of my Grammy tonight, as she embarks on a journey of pain, loss and acceptance. I pray she finds peace in her heart for the life they shared, and the life they didn't. I feel blessed that I helped her through a bit of it today over a nice phone conversation... losing someone is never easy. Everyone has a special place in our hearts that no one else can fill. So do your heart a favor, and let those people know where they stand. You just never know what tomorrow brings, or doesn't...
Today... is a sad day. My family is about to lose a member; and for one person in particular, they are experiencing some very mixed emotions. Emotions I can certainly relate to... you see, my great-grandfather (my Grammy's father) is on life-support and about to pass on... their relationship is a complicated one, but I'm not here to air someone else's laundry...
I'm here because the whole ordeal has thrown me into thoughts of my family. I've had a good life, but it was littered with drama, pain, hidden feelings, regret, loneliness... of course, everyone has their own story; their own pain and experiences. Mine is just another example. The biggest issue for me has always been my father. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about that... but I will say that I understand the feelings my grandmother is feeling right now, as she says goodbye to someone so important, who was never around. I do, however, need to talk about something... so I will finally talk about... Monte.
To understand Monte, you have to understand that side of the family first. My grandparents were strict, but kind and loving. You were well taken care of, but taught the value of every penny counting. I know this, because my dad left me in their care until I was 16. Which, at this point, I'm thankful for. They brought me up well, and I'm grateful for everything they've ever done for me. Monte stayed with us for most of my childhood, and when he eventually moved out, he bought the house next door. Needless to say, he was a big part of my life. Monte was more outgoing, outspoken and honest than the rest of the family. I loved him for it... I always had a lot of respect for the person he was. I lost touch with him once living on my own, as I had fallen into a lifestyle of partying and "finding myself". It took a lot of great talks with my Papa and prayer to not fall into a pit of regret for those lost years... but Monte loved me through it all. Unbeknownst to me for most of those years, he kept a room ready for me in his house, just in case I ever needed it. My well-being was always in the back of his mind, no matter what. He was more than an uncle to me, he was the big brother I never had, and the father figure I craved all my life.
When Monte passed, it was so sudden and unexpected. I received the call at work from my step-aunt to come home... and I knew immediately that someone had died. I don't know how I knew, but you just do. The whole way there, I thought it was my father... I cannot even begin to describe the emotions running through me that entire car ride. It was absolutely horrible. I don't have it in me to describe what happened when I arrived, but when I found out who it was... have you ever had every inch of breath leave your body and all of your limbs go numb? All at once? I will never forget that moment. I can barely remember the next two weeks. I do not handle loss well. Less than a month later, one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly.
Mike Gerking was easily loved. He had a mischievous face and could make you laugh your ass off. He was a dear friend of mine, even my prom date one year, and a hell of a musician. Losing someone is tough; losing two of the most important people from my life was tragic. Mike had a lot of health problems he was working through, and eventually passed in his sleep. Monte... Monte left on top of his game. He had just finished a flag-football tournament in Vegas, but missed his flight. He grabbed a rental, drove in the direction of his car, and went off the road into the canal about 20 miles from his destination. He left behind no wife, no kids... but he owned his own home. He was starting a very well-paying job that week. He had many amazing friends (that I met at his funeral... such wonderful people I never knew existed). And he had my heart. No matter what happened in my life, I knew he had my back. There are days I think I see him, and my heart stops. It's been 5 1/2 years, but to this day, it feels like yesterday.
It feels good to talk about him... I've never put in writing what I went through. Though I didn't share all of the details, it feels good to put something down. I've learned that people live on through you... through your memories of them; stories, experiences... talking about them keeps them alive in your heart. I'm thinking of my Grammy tonight, as she embarks on a journey of pain, loss and acceptance. I pray she finds peace in her heart for the life they shared, and the life they didn't. I feel blessed that I helped her through a bit of it today over a nice phone conversation... losing someone is never easy. Everyone has a special place in our hearts that no one else can fill. So do your heart a favor, and let those people know where they stand. You just never know what tomorrow brings, or doesn't...
Saturday, June 18, 2011
How Deep Is Your Love?
There comes a time in one's life where you sit back and re-evaluate everything. I think it's called "growing up". Anyways. I took a biiiig step back recently and realized I love everything and everyone around me deeply... except myself. That shit is WHACK! I should be the first person I love, before anyone else. Besides, how can you possibly love someone else if you don't find love for yourself? Maybe this has been my problem all along...
Something I will forever be thankful for is how Chris made me feel about myself. No, no- I'm not dwelling on the guy. Believe me, the decision I made for us was right and I'm happy I did it. I still miss him, though- he is, after all, one of my best friends. But when we were together, he loved me and made me feel like no one else ever has. He truly knew how to make me feel beautiful. We used to have this thing; if you said something bad about yourself, you were ordered to "take it back" or you would be "bopped" on the nose. Seriously. Haha! Ahhh the times I smacked his nose... hey, I got it, too! And it works. If you forget all the crap life throws at you to bring you down, you start to remember that you're good enough for this world. Your head can toy with you... I tend to get lost inside my head sometimes, and overanalyze so much that I start to believe the lies I tell myself. I constantly think I'm not good enough to do the things I love... but I'm finally starting to remember that I am good enough. That I'm worth much more than what I give myself credit for... I feel like I'm reciting this new song I'm writing, seeing as how that's pretty much how it goes. Haha! Man, I feel good tonight. Let's move on.
So, all full of lovin'-me-more-than-ever, I accomplished a few things today. I had work from 8am to 4pm, and work early tomorrow, so I had a small window to get some ish done. It isn't much, but I worked on my interview paperwork, made a list with my own notes on 17 apartments (including phone numbers so I can call Monday!), figured out how I'm going to transfer my cable, and worked on some bills. Nothing to completely cross off of my list yet, but a handful of goals worked on in one way or another. I'm feeling good today. Not great. Not bad. Content. At peace. Tranquil. It's a nice feeling; haven't felt it in a while. Life is life. Love is love. I am me, and that's not changing. It's nice to reconnect with someone I'm spending the rest of my life with! Makes it less awkward.
Something I will forever be thankful for is how Chris made me feel about myself. No, no- I'm not dwelling on the guy. Believe me, the decision I made for us was right and I'm happy I did it. I still miss him, though- he is, after all, one of my best friends. But when we were together, he loved me and made me feel like no one else ever has. He truly knew how to make me feel beautiful. We used to have this thing; if you said something bad about yourself, you were ordered to "take it back" or you would be "bopped" on the nose. Seriously. Haha! Ahhh the times I smacked his nose... hey, I got it, too! And it works. If you forget all the crap life throws at you to bring you down, you start to remember that you're good enough for this world. Your head can toy with you... I tend to get lost inside my head sometimes, and overanalyze so much that I start to believe the lies I tell myself. I constantly think I'm not good enough to do the things I love... but I'm finally starting to remember that I am good enough. That I'm worth much more than what I give myself credit for... I feel like I'm reciting this new song I'm writing, seeing as how that's pretty much how it goes. Haha! Man, I feel good tonight. Let's move on.
So, all full of lovin'-me-more-than-ever, I accomplished a few things today. I had work from 8am to 4pm, and work early tomorrow, so I had a small window to get some ish done. It isn't much, but I worked on my interview paperwork, made a list with my own notes on 17 apartments (including phone numbers so I can call Monday!), figured out how I'm going to transfer my cable, and worked on some bills. Nothing to completely cross off of my list yet, but a handful of goals worked on in one way or another. I'm feeling good today. Not great. Not bad. Content. At peace. Tranquil. It's a nice feeling; haven't felt it in a while. Life is life. Love is love. I am me, and that's not changing. It's nice to reconnect with someone I'm spending the rest of my life with! Makes it less awkward.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
I'm Already Torn...
I never thought it would hurt this much. I never knew how alone and sad I am. From left field, here comes the truth, smacking me straight in the face.
It's interesting how on point my instincts can be... walking up the stairs to my apartment after a good night at work, I felt a strange "pit-in-my-stomach" feeling... like something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, seeing as how I've been feeling really good the last week or so. Then I got the email. The email saying my ex has met someone he really likes. The email saying he has been seeing her for a couple of weeks. The email that sends me straight into tears. But why? No, I don't want to get back together. No, I'm not jealous. Okay, a little jealous. I just miss the guy so damn much, and now someone else gets his time... his affection... and what do I have? An empty apartment and a non-existant love-life. Jesus, could I feel more sorry for myself?
I've been in "long-term" relationships before, but never for 5 years. Never with someone I lived with. Never with someone who loved me so much. He always said I would find someone first... yet here I am, alone and depressed, while he goes on dates with some girl he met just after we broke up. Don't I have a right to feel this way? Do I need to justify the pain? Am I not entitled to be upset? I don't know, but I feel the way I feel. And I don't like it... Not. One. Bit.
I preach and preach and advise and advise, yet when life throws a curveball at me, I go against everything I teach. I know I should be happy for him... and I am. A little. I guess I'm just more sad for me than anything. I know, I know- "Grow up. Deal with it. You wanted this, remember?" Yeah, well, I did. I do. I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's no fun. It's lonely. Go figure.
This is definitely a pathetic post. My sincerest apologies. I'm in a bad place right now... I can't seem to focus on what matters. Instead, I dwell and dwell and feel nothing but the loneliness of it all... it doesn't help that my roommate is never home and the only friendships I maintain are those I have at work... and they stay at work. I rarely go out, thanks to my schedule and lack of a vehicle. I haven't met anyone (who is also interested in me, I should state), and up until this point, was slightly reluctant to due to my concern for my ex's feelings. Well, so much for that! ...I should shut up. This is silly.
I know things will get better. I know I will eventually meet someone who makes me feel alive again. I know I need to just buck up and let it all go. I know, I know, I know. I can't control my feelings, though- and tonight, they feel low. VERY low. C'est la fuckin' vie, n'est-ce pas? I need a drink. And a date. Any takers?
It's interesting how on point my instincts can be... walking up the stairs to my apartment after a good night at work, I felt a strange "pit-in-my-stomach" feeling... like something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, seeing as how I've been feeling really good the last week or so. Then I got the email. The email saying my ex has met someone he really likes. The email saying he has been seeing her for a couple of weeks. The email that sends me straight into tears. But why? No, I don't want to get back together. No, I'm not jealous. Okay, a little jealous. I just miss the guy so damn much, and now someone else gets his time... his affection... and what do I have? An empty apartment and a non-existant love-life. Jesus, could I feel more sorry for myself?
I've been in "long-term" relationships before, but never for 5 years. Never with someone I lived with. Never with someone who loved me so much. He always said I would find someone first... yet here I am, alone and depressed, while he goes on dates with some girl he met just after we broke up. Don't I have a right to feel this way? Do I need to justify the pain? Am I not entitled to be upset? I don't know, but I feel the way I feel. And I don't like it... Not. One. Bit.
I preach and preach and advise and advise, yet when life throws a curveball at me, I go against everything I teach. I know I should be happy for him... and I am. A little. I guess I'm just more sad for me than anything. I know, I know- "Grow up. Deal with it. You wanted this, remember?" Yeah, well, I did. I do. I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's no fun. It's lonely. Go figure.
This is definitely a pathetic post. My sincerest apologies. I'm in a bad place right now... I can't seem to focus on what matters. Instead, I dwell and dwell and feel nothing but the loneliness of it all... it doesn't help that my roommate is never home and the only friendships I maintain are those I have at work... and they stay at work. I rarely go out, thanks to my schedule and lack of a vehicle. I haven't met anyone (who is also interested in me, I should state), and up until this point, was slightly reluctant to due to my concern for my ex's feelings. Well, so much for that! ...I should shut up. This is silly.
I know things will get better. I know I will eventually meet someone who makes me feel alive again. I know I need to just buck up and let it all go. I know, I know, I know. I can't control my feelings, though- and tonight, they feel low. VERY low. C'est la fuckin' vie, n'est-ce pas? I need a drink. And a date. Any takers?
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Somebody To Lean On
I'm happy when everybody else is happy. So when a good friend of mine is down, all I want to do is help. Hell, not even just "good" friends, anyone in general. I can't help it. I have that motherly-let-me-wipe-your-tears syndrome. I want to hold and console every aching heart and try to make it better. It's exhausting! But, gratifying. And that's all that matters.
Sometimes, people don't want help. I understand this all too well. Stubborn as I am, sometimes I want to figure it out myself and find my own peace with a situation. And sometimes, that's the way it should be. Some things are meant to be dealt with in private, with your own thoughts, your own responses. I have to talk myself through things, sometimes. Yes, I talk out loud. What have I told you about judging me??
I may not always know the details, or understand the pain, but I can be there with a clean shoulder and a comforting hand. And probably a lame joke. I can't help it. I gotta' try to get that smile on your face! I know that, when I'm down about something, even just a hello from an old friend can totally change my mood. People tend to refrain from reaching out because of fear. Fear of a negative reaction, no reaction, too much reaction- but I don't care. I will always put myself out there, because people need people. People need that comfort and support. It's how we thrive. We all need each other, so it's incredibly ridiculous to me how much we fight, bicker, hate and destroy each other. We should be looking to each other for a helping hand, without fear that there won't be one.
Take last night. I got off of work, and SURPRISE! It was raining! I happen to carry an umbrella in my work bag every day, so I was dry and cozy under my little umbrella at the bus stop. I look to my right, and this poor girl is standing in the rain, obviously unaware of the impending weather as I was, arms tight around herself and obvious impatience for the bus to show up. I made a joke about unfolding the big umbrella the parking guy uses, and discovered she doesn't really speak English. No problem! I walked over, handed her my umbrella, and threw my hood on. Hell, the girl was dressed to impress while I stood in my coffee-inspired ensemble- what did I need the damn umbrella for?? She was so sweet! "Thank you! Thank you!" was all she could utter in a language I could understand. She kept putting the umbrella over my head, too, so through much resistance and laughter, I finally stood there next to her in the rain, one under each half of the umbrella. Slightly awkward, yes- but we were both dry and happy. We went to get on the bus, and she insisted I go first. Though we never spoke, she made it a point to say goodbye and thank you again as she departed the bus. What a sweet girl! She totally made my night, and all I did was share a tiny portion of a crappy umbrella. These are those random acts of kindness I speak of. Pay it forward, as they say. It felt great!
I'm not trying to be all "Ooh I'm so awesome, I help people!" I just think if more people did little things like that, the world would be a better place. As cheesy as it is, Starbucks has a mission statement that says "One person, one cup, one neighborhood at a time." I like to think of this as my life's motto. Except, maybe more like "one person, one random act of kindness, one day at a time." Day by day. Person by person. I take it step by step. (No, I will not break into the theme from said show...but yes, I really want to). It doesn't take much to reach out and touch someone in need. So why waste all your time thinking about yourself?
We do, of course, need to think of ourselves, also. That's where my writing comes in, my two amazing boys whom I love dearly, the friends I surround myself with... you are all a part of what makes me "me" and contribute in your own little ways every day. And probably don't even realize it. I keep myself sane by keeping people I love around me. I reach out to everyone, and in turn they reach out to me. It's a two-way street. We're all on it, coasting along this thing called life. Now get off your damn cell phone before you run someone over!
Sometimes, people don't want help. I understand this all too well. Stubborn as I am, sometimes I want to figure it out myself and find my own peace with a situation. And sometimes, that's the way it should be. Some things are meant to be dealt with in private, with your own thoughts, your own responses. I have to talk myself through things, sometimes. Yes, I talk out loud. What have I told you about judging me??
I may not always know the details, or understand the pain, but I can be there with a clean shoulder and a comforting hand. And probably a lame joke. I can't help it. I gotta' try to get that smile on your face! I know that, when I'm down about something, even just a hello from an old friend can totally change my mood. People tend to refrain from reaching out because of fear. Fear of a negative reaction, no reaction, too much reaction- but I don't care. I will always put myself out there, because people need people. People need that comfort and support. It's how we thrive. We all need each other, so it's incredibly ridiculous to me how much we fight, bicker, hate and destroy each other. We should be looking to each other for a helping hand, without fear that there won't be one.
Take last night. I got off of work, and SURPRISE! It was raining! I happen to carry an umbrella in my work bag every day, so I was dry and cozy under my little umbrella at the bus stop. I look to my right, and this poor girl is standing in the rain, obviously unaware of the impending weather as I was, arms tight around herself and obvious impatience for the bus to show up. I made a joke about unfolding the big umbrella the parking guy uses, and discovered she doesn't really speak English. No problem! I walked over, handed her my umbrella, and threw my hood on. Hell, the girl was dressed to impress while I stood in my coffee-inspired ensemble- what did I need the damn umbrella for?? She was so sweet! "Thank you! Thank you!" was all she could utter in a language I could understand. She kept putting the umbrella over my head, too, so through much resistance and laughter, I finally stood there next to her in the rain, one under each half of the umbrella. Slightly awkward, yes- but we were both dry and happy. We went to get on the bus, and she insisted I go first. Though we never spoke, she made it a point to say goodbye and thank you again as she departed the bus. What a sweet girl! She totally made my night, and all I did was share a tiny portion of a crappy umbrella. These are those random acts of kindness I speak of. Pay it forward, as they say. It felt great!
I'm not trying to be all "Ooh I'm so awesome, I help people!" I just think if more people did little things like that, the world would be a better place. As cheesy as it is, Starbucks has a mission statement that says "One person, one cup, one neighborhood at a time." I like to think of this as my life's motto. Except, maybe more like "one person, one random act of kindness, one day at a time." Day by day. Person by person. I take it step by step. (No, I will not break into the theme from said show...but yes, I really want to). It doesn't take much to reach out and touch someone in need. So why waste all your time thinking about yourself?
We do, of course, need to think of ourselves, also. That's where my writing comes in, my two amazing boys whom I love dearly, the friends I surround myself with... you are all a part of what makes me "me" and contribute in your own little ways every day. And probably don't even realize it. I keep myself sane by keeping people I love around me. I reach out to everyone, and in turn they reach out to me. It's a two-way street. We're all on it, coasting along this thing called life. Now get off your damn cell phone before you run someone over!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Follow Your Heart
My heart hurts today...it does. I'm not exactly sure why. But it aches. For what? Not sure yet...
I noticed that I've been talking about my heart a lot...be it through words of my family, or thoughts of shopping with great friends; my heart goes into everything I do, so it's brought up quite a bit. So what a place to write about it. Welcome to my heart.
My heart is a peculiar thing...as I'm sure everyone's is. Unfortunately for me, I tend to lead with it. This is not always good, for my heart yearns for what my mind can't have. You need a balance between the two to sustain a happy life...well, heart- calm down. Things will get better soon. I feel it.
My heart is a delicate flower, petals barely hanging on, scent stronger than ever, yearning for the sun to resurrect it's shine. It keeps me going, but drags me down. It lifts me up, yet knocks me off my feet. Heart, you are certainly a roller-coaster, and we all know how I feel about those.
My heart is probably my best quality. I'm far from perfect, yet happy with who I am. Thank you heart, for giving me the kindness and compassion to show mankind that I am not hard, but soft and gentle. I weep at things I probably "shouldn't". I ache for people you avoid. I want the best for everyone.
But heart, sometimes you really get me angry...sometimes, I have certain priorities and ambitions in mind, and you stray from the path. Get back over here!!! Yes, I'm emotional. Yes, I'm sensitive. Yes, I like me the way I am.
My heart guides me down the road to a new tomorrow. It provides comfort from the bad in life. It shelters me from the cold. It also reaches out when it should stay in...but we're working on that. I would rather my heart lead the way, paving a road full of caring and love, then a road full of worry or doubt. My heart is a trouble-maker, but with the right intentions. Every day, I work on my heart. It grows stronger with each connection, each random act of kindness, each hand held out to lift up the weak...it keeps me strong. I love you, heart- for everything you are. And everything I am. I owe...to you.
Not sure where this post was going, but here's a song I wrote called "Heart":
My heart hurts today,
so afraid of everything I'm feeling- inside
of me, can't find my brain.
My heart is taking over everything.
Oh, feelings please just go away.
I can't bear to feel this pain...
but oh, if I try and turn away,
I replace this pain with another...
My heart hurts tonight.
Searching dark to finally see the light-
in this hole, I've built for me to lay.
Circumstance is standing in my way.
But oh, if I try to erase it-
I can face it, someday-
but still, I turn and run away-
from this pain, in my heart.
From the way, that it's scarred me.
My heart might die.
Too many reason why-
to explain to a crowd, or to even say out loud.
It just might...tonight...
tonight might be the night...
I noticed that I've been talking about my heart a lot...be it through words of my family, or thoughts of shopping with great friends; my heart goes into everything I do, so it's brought up quite a bit. So what a place to write about it. Welcome to my heart.
My heart is a peculiar thing...as I'm sure everyone's is. Unfortunately for me, I tend to lead with it. This is not always good, for my heart yearns for what my mind can't have. You need a balance between the two to sustain a happy life...well, heart- calm down. Things will get better soon. I feel it.
My heart is a delicate flower, petals barely hanging on, scent stronger than ever, yearning for the sun to resurrect it's shine. It keeps me going, but drags me down. It lifts me up, yet knocks me off my feet. Heart, you are certainly a roller-coaster, and we all know how I feel about those.
My heart is probably my best quality. I'm far from perfect, yet happy with who I am. Thank you heart, for giving me the kindness and compassion to show mankind that I am not hard, but soft and gentle. I weep at things I probably "shouldn't". I ache for people you avoid. I want the best for everyone.
But heart, sometimes you really get me angry...sometimes, I have certain priorities and ambitions in mind, and you stray from the path. Get back over here!!! Yes, I'm emotional. Yes, I'm sensitive. Yes, I like me the way I am.
My heart guides me down the road to a new tomorrow. It provides comfort from the bad in life. It shelters me from the cold. It also reaches out when it should stay in...but we're working on that. I would rather my heart lead the way, paving a road full of caring and love, then a road full of worry or doubt. My heart is a trouble-maker, but with the right intentions. Every day, I work on my heart. It grows stronger with each connection, each random act of kindness, each hand held out to lift up the weak...it keeps me strong. I love you, heart- for everything you are. And everything I am. I owe...to you.
Not sure where this post was going, but here's a song I wrote called "Heart":
My heart hurts today,
so afraid of everything I'm feeling- inside
of me, can't find my brain.
My heart is taking over everything.
Oh, feelings please just go away.
I can't bear to feel this pain...
but oh, if I try and turn away,
I replace this pain with another...
My heart hurts tonight.
Searching dark to finally see the light-
in this hole, I've built for me to lay.
Circumstance is standing in my way.
But oh, if I try to erase it-
I can face it, someday-
but still, I turn and run away-
from this pain, in my heart.
From the way, that it's scarred me.
My heart might die.
Too many reason why-
to explain to a crowd, or to even say out loud.
It just might...tonight...
tonight might be the night...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Home Is Where Your Heart Is
It's been a long few days for me, both physically and emotionally. I haven't written because I've been writing songs, which is good. That tap, however, has run dry at the moment. So I'm back!
Tonight while closing, my coworker and I began talking about our fathers. Hers is currently in town with her for the week, and they have been fighting non-stop. It's funny that she should look to me for advice, as I have no relationship with mine. And it took years of trying, as she is now, for me to finally say 'enough is enough'. I am at peace with our lack of a relationship (for lack of a better set of words). I had to forgive myself to find it. But my life is just simply better how it is now. If I believed it could be different, believe me, I'd be trying just as I always had. But if you know me well enough, you probably agree with my decision.
On a somewhat lighter note, it got me thinking about family. I miss them. I have so many great people that I call my family, and as sad as it is, Facebook has started to bring us back together. I know I'm on facebook a lot, as you can see from my ridiculous amount of posts, but it has helped me reconnect with family that I barely talk to, and really should. So I get hooked. Hooked on the connections and conversations. Hooked on the reminder that I have people who love me dearly. Hooked on an effing social networking site because, damn it, I love people! What is this, an intervention?! Sheesh!
It's true, though. I do love people. And I've been trying to be extra-there for those I love. It's hard for me to get on the phone, yes- but sign on to facebook or read my blog and I'm there! Don't judge me. It's who I am. I write. I like to interact with a lot of different people. I feel like I'm defending myself. Why am I defending myself? It's late. I should go to sleep.
The point is, I got a little down tonight thinking about my father. It got me thinking about my uncle, who was like a father to me growing up (or a big brother, really), and passed. About my "LA Father", whom I fought with a couple of weeks ago and haven't spoken to since. Geez. No wonder I have trouble with men- I have "daddy-issues"?! Really?!! I'm that girl?? Yuck. I think I turned out pretty well in spite of that revolting revelation. I've done a lot of growing up, and part of that is learning to appreciate the things I should appreciate. Like family. So to any and all family who read this, just know that I love you all dearly. I don't always keep in touch like I should, but you're thought about and cared about. THAT- will NEVER change. And if you're ever in LA, this heart will always be here for you to call home.
Tonight while closing, my coworker and I began talking about our fathers. Hers is currently in town with her for the week, and they have been fighting non-stop. It's funny that she should look to me for advice, as I have no relationship with mine. And it took years of trying, as she is now, for me to finally say 'enough is enough'. I am at peace with our lack of a relationship (for lack of a better set of words). I had to forgive myself to find it. But my life is just simply better how it is now. If I believed it could be different, believe me, I'd be trying just as I always had. But if you know me well enough, you probably agree with my decision.
On a somewhat lighter note, it got me thinking about family. I miss them. I have so many great people that I call my family, and as sad as it is, Facebook has started to bring us back together. I know I'm on facebook a lot, as you can see from my ridiculous amount of posts, but it has helped me reconnect with family that I barely talk to, and really should. So I get hooked. Hooked on the connections and conversations. Hooked on the reminder that I have people who love me dearly. Hooked on an effing social networking site because, damn it, I love people! What is this, an intervention?! Sheesh!
It's true, though. I do love people. And I've been trying to be extra-there for those I love. It's hard for me to get on the phone, yes- but sign on to facebook or read my blog and I'm there! Don't judge me. It's who I am. I write. I like to interact with a lot of different people. I feel like I'm defending myself. Why am I defending myself? It's late. I should go to sleep.
The point is, I got a little down tonight thinking about my father. It got me thinking about my uncle, who was like a father to me growing up (or a big brother, really), and passed. About my "LA Father", whom I fought with a couple of weeks ago and haven't spoken to since. Geez. No wonder I have trouble with men- I have "daddy-issues"?! Really?!! I'm that girl?? Yuck. I think I turned out pretty well in spite of that revolting revelation. I've done a lot of growing up, and part of that is learning to appreciate the things I should appreciate. Like family. So to any and all family who read this, just know that I love you all dearly. I don't always keep in touch like I should, but you're thought about and cared about. THAT- will NEVER change. And if you're ever in LA, this heart will always be here for you to call home.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I Ain't Scared of No Ghost!
I touched on fear in Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles, but it was referenced more towards fearing people we don't understand. Today kids, let's talk about fear in general.
As I've said before, I worry too much. It's true. I have had to train myself to relax and let life happen. This is not easy for me, but I have made some incredible steps and now live a much more care-free lifestyle. I love my life where it's at right now. There's no pressure, just taking each day at a time and trying to live my life the best I can while treating everyone else how I want to be treated. Feels like I've heard that last part before...hmmm.
Fear is the only thing holding me back from getting exactly what I want out of life. I want to be a musician. I don't want fame...don't care for fortune....but if I could have a small group of fans who appreciate what I write about, come see me play and maybe buy some tunes, then I'd be a happy gal! Kinda' hard to do that if I never go out and perform...sooo...I'm trying to motivate myself to do just that. I have been working on some new material that I'm damn proud of, and even got offered a gig for next week (on top of an already existing 1st gig on June 4th!!! Want to come see me? I would!) I went to a couple of shows Sunday and Monday featuring my extremely talented friend, Nick Reiter (If you haven't seen this guy- you're missing out my friend!), and it always gets me thinking about performing. I miss it. It's so ridiculously hard for me to get up on a stage, but once I do, you have to drag my ass off! Not that you should. I'm kind of a big deal.
I know. I talk about music a lot. I'm kind of in love with it. A lot. Music has saved me from many crappy experiences throughout my life, and continues to do so. It loves you back unconditionally. It tears you down and builds you back up. It's the wind beneath my clipped wings. Now to find that bastard with the scissors!
Moving right along...I see fear hold people back from so much in life. Dreams. Goals. Change. Love. Ahhhh love. Another passion of mine. Why are so many people afraid of it? Because so many people suck at it. There's your flippin' nutshell! Yes, I am one of those "I'm not looking for anything right now" people, as stated before. Man, I'm unoriginal. BUT. If something amazing came along, would I turn it down? Hell-to-the-no. Life's too short for wastin' your love! (I totally just quoted my own song...don't judge me.) I love my life where it's at right now, wouldn't change...much, but love is so rare and so hard to find in its purest form. If that came knockin' at my door right now, I'd be a fool to turn it down. I do, however, understand the apprehensions people face when confronted by love. I feel them, too. I have been hurt in ways no person should endure, but it only strengthened my heart and taught me lessons in love that make me a better lover...and a better judge of character. It saddens me that this fear caused my last relationship to slowly fade. Love was never our problem. Embracing it was. I learned so much from our time together, and will forever be thankful that I learned it with my best friend. Let's just say, the next guy will have to be pretty amazing to win this heart over!
Another friend of mine, another Nick (I love me some Nicks!), posted on facebook today: "It's always saddening to see an amazingly talented person held back from true success by nothing more than their own fear of failure", to which a friend of his said, "How about a fear of success?" Wow. Nail. On. The. Head. I'm not tooting my own horn or anything, but a part of me is afraid to pursue music because of this exact statement. I would love love LOVE to be able to make money off of my music and maybe even just my music, but I do NOT want fame. No, thank you. I want to be able to walk down the street without 3 bodyguards judging everything and everyone around me. I don't think I could handle the pressure that comes with that kind of success. And I especially don't want to fall into the dark and dreary depths of the music business. I happen to like this pretty little head on my shoulders, and don't need it tampered with. And so, another reason I only play for my dogs...and a select few friends.
I could touch on a plethera of fears, but it's late and I have to be up in 5 hours. Don't think I don't see you falling asleep as I ramble on either! People say the best way to conquer your fears is to face your fears. So, fear- *ahem*- bring it on. It's time we settled our differences and moved on. I don't like you, you don't like me. Personally, I think you're an idiot, and word on the street is you think I'm a wuss. Well guess what??? I am. Get over yourself. I hear your biggest fear is you- so who's got the issues now? Ass.
As I've said before, I worry too much. It's true. I have had to train myself to relax and let life happen. This is not easy for me, but I have made some incredible steps and now live a much more care-free lifestyle. I love my life where it's at right now. There's no pressure, just taking each day at a time and trying to live my life the best I can while treating everyone else how I want to be treated. Feels like I've heard that last part before...hmmm.
Fear is the only thing holding me back from getting exactly what I want out of life. I want to be a musician. I don't want fame...don't care for fortune....but if I could have a small group of fans who appreciate what I write about, come see me play and maybe buy some tunes, then I'd be a happy gal! Kinda' hard to do that if I never go out and perform...sooo...I'm trying to motivate myself to do just that. I have been working on some new material that I'm damn proud of, and even got offered a gig for next week (on top of an already existing 1st gig on June 4th!!! Want to come see me? I would!) I went to a couple of shows Sunday and Monday featuring my extremely talented friend, Nick Reiter (If you haven't seen this guy- you're missing out my friend!), and it always gets me thinking about performing. I miss it. It's so ridiculously hard for me to get up on a stage, but once I do, you have to drag my ass off! Not that you should. I'm kind of a big deal.
I know. I talk about music a lot. I'm kind of in love with it. A lot. Music has saved me from many crappy experiences throughout my life, and continues to do so. It loves you back unconditionally. It tears you down and builds you back up. It's the wind beneath my clipped wings. Now to find that bastard with the scissors!
Moving right along...I see fear hold people back from so much in life. Dreams. Goals. Change. Love. Ahhhh love. Another passion of mine. Why are so many people afraid of it? Because so many people suck at it. There's your flippin' nutshell! Yes, I am one of those "I'm not looking for anything right now" people, as stated before. Man, I'm unoriginal. BUT. If something amazing came along, would I turn it down? Hell-to-the-no. Life's too short for wastin' your love! (I totally just quoted my own song...don't judge me.) I love my life where it's at right now, wouldn't change...much, but love is so rare and so hard to find in its purest form. If that came knockin' at my door right now, I'd be a fool to turn it down. I do, however, understand the apprehensions people face when confronted by love. I feel them, too. I have been hurt in ways no person should endure, but it only strengthened my heart and taught me lessons in love that make me a better lover...and a better judge of character. It saddens me that this fear caused my last relationship to slowly fade. Love was never our problem. Embracing it was. I learned so much from our time together, and will forever be thankful that I learned it with my best friend. Let's just say, the next guy will have to be pretty amazing to win this heart over!
Another friend of mine, another Nick (I love me some Nicks!), posted on facebook today: "It's always saddening to see an amazingly talented person held back from true success by nothing more than their own fear of failure", to which a friend of his said, "How about a fear of success?" Wow. Nail. On. The. Head. I'm not tooting my own horn or anything, but a part of me is afraid to pursue music because of this exact statement. I would love love LOVE to be able to make money off of my music and maybe even just my music, but I do NOT want fame. No, thank you. I want to be able to walk down the street without 3 bodyguards judging everything and everyone around me. I don't think I could handle the pressure that comes with that kind of success. And I especially don't want to fall into the dark and dreary depths of the music business. I happen to like this pretty little head on my shoulders, and don't need it tampered with. And so, another reason I only play for my dogs...and a select few friends.
I could touch on a plethera of fears, but it's late and I have to be up in 5 hours. Don't think I don't see you falling asleep as I ramble on either! People say the best way to conquer your fears is to face your fears. So, fear- *ahem*- bring it on. It's time we settled our differences and moved on. I don't like you, you don't like me. Personally, I think you're an idiot, and word on the street is you think I'm a wuss. Well guess what??? I am. Get over yourself. I hear your biggest fear is you- so who's got the issues now? Ass.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
GOALS! ...Yeah, All I Really Want is GOALS!
Okay, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself- it's time to move on and move forward and move up and... just move. My ass. NOW.
I have already broached the subject of smoking...which, ugghhhh, here's the update since yesterday: I bought another pack. Fuckin' sue me. I smoked almost half of it last night, too! What of it? I'm weak...I was trying to get it out of my system so I could wake up this morning and gag at the thought of a cigarette. Well, it worked! I didn't take the pack with me, and didn't smoke ALL DAY at work! And now......I've smoked two since I got home. I'm sorry! I'm not ready to quit cold turkey- BUT- I am cutting down big time. I'm no longer taking cigarettes to work, and I'm gonna try to only have 1-2 a day, at most. So that's something. I'll include an update on this one at the bottom of every post. That way, I have motivation to not smoke and have everyone (or the two of you) be proud of me :)
Next on the list... HEALTH. I need to get myself in shape and healthy. I have already taken steps towards this, which I am extremely proud of! I can't believe I'm about to admit this...buuuut my heaviest was 180...okay 185. Now, I'm around 125- yesss!!! That took eating smaller portions and walking as much as possible. Now, I'm working on eating healthier. I've been eating a banana or oatmeal at work, along with orange juice. So yay for vitamins! But with my recent break-up and loneliness and mild depression, I haven't been eating much lately...so I need to get myself on a steady schedule of at least three meals a day, somewhat healthy meals. And I want to join a gym, just need a gym buddy! Gyms make me nervous; don't know why, but need someone there with me so I can relax and exercise my hot body into an even hotter one!
Vehicle: With my roomie gone this week, I have had her car at my disposal and have been LOVING it! I want a car again...nothing fancy, just a point A to point B kind of car. Something to get me out of this effing apartment and out into the world as often as possible. I hate...greatly dislike...being cooped up in my apartment. I need air. I need to see other buildings. It doesn't mean I don't love you, apartment. Time apart is healthy. Promise.
Rolling with that goal...FINANCES...dun Dun DUN!!! Ohhh boy, this is a big one! I have so many things I need to take care of financially, and I really want to start working on paying it all off and possibly creating a decent credit score. I have many debts, and many things in queue that require a somewhat large chunk of change. I need to get my teeth fixed, my dogs to the vet, a car (see previous goal), among other things I can't think of right now...so it's time to start a budget! Budget, pay bills on time, sign up for payment plans with bill collectors, start taking care of my teeth a little at a time, etc...can't wait for that promotion!
Alrighty, here's the biggie! Muuuuusic... I have GOT to get over this insane fear I have of pursuing my music...it goes wayyyy deeper than you could imagine. I can barely play for my damn friends! People who have heard me a hundred times, I still get ridiculously nervous and start diminishing whatever I'm about to play/sing. It's not an attractive quality. It's plain annoying. And the weirdest part? I really love my songs! I'm proud of them, and think I have something here...but shit, what if no one agrees? What if I look stupid? What if people say, "what was she thinking??" ????......WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE?! Right?!
SO, I have analyzed and picked apart this fear of mine...and I know a couple of things I need to do. I need lessons. I need a vocal coach, and I need private guitar lessons. It seems like the only way I can stay focused and learn consistently. The nice thing is, I'm a quick learner. So the lessons will be even more beneficial for me than the average Joe...sephine? Either way, I need to get down to business! It's business time!!! (Name THAT reference!!) The vocal coach can wait until I'm a little more financially stable...I have ways of working on that on my own. But I definitely want a guitar teacher...and if someone would take me, I've already found my teacher! Too bad he won't read this. I'll have to stalk him later. Sorry, stake him. Okay, inside joke. Sorry.
I also need to start going to open mics. One step towards this goal: I have scoured the internet for any and all open mics that appeal to me, and have their locations and schedules saved. So, one step towards this goal? CHECK! Now to show up...who's with me???
I think that's a good starting point. I have a list of very important priorities here, and the best part?? They all link up towards my ultimate goal: A better me. I need to be happy with me, just me. I need to stop thinking about love, and when I'll find it again. I'm a good person, I have great qualities, and I love unconditionally. Love should be lining up at my doorstep! But it's not...and I have to relax and accept that...and then love will find me. And we'll live happily ever after...and our love children will frolic in the gardens of the happiness we've built on our candy-coated mountain of puppy dog tails and rain-fuckin-bows... Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth,too.
I have already broached the subject of smoking...which, ugghhhh, here's the update since yesterday: I bought another pack. Fuckin' sue me. I smoked almost half of it last night, too! What of it? I'm weak...I was trying to get it out of my system so I could wake up this morning and gag at the thought of a cigarette. Well, it worked! I didn't take the pack with me, and didn't smoke ALL DAY at work! And now......I've smoked two since I got home. I'm sorry! I'm not ready to quit cold turkey- BUT- I am cutting down big time. I'm no longer taking cigarettes to work, and I'm gonna try to only have 1-2 a day, at most. So that's something. I'll include an update on this one at the bottom of every post. That way, I have motivation to not smoke and have everyone (or the two of you) be proud of me :)
Next on the list... HEALTH. I need to get myself in shape and healthy. I have already taken steps towards this, which I am extremely proud of! I can't believe I'm about to admit this...buuuut my heaviest was 180...okay 185. Now, I'm around 125- yesss!!! That took eating smaller portions and walking as much as possible. Now, I'm working on eating healthier. I've been eating a banana or oatmeal at work, along with orange juice. So yay for vitamins! But with my recent break-up and loneliness and mild depression, I haven't been eating much lately...so I need to get myself on a steady schedule of at least three meals a day, somewhat healthy meals. And I want to join a gym, just need a gym buddy! Gyms make me nervous; don't know why, but need someone there with me so I can relax and exercise my hot body into an even hotter one!
Vehicle: With my roomie gone this week, I have had her car at my disposal and have been LOVING it! I want a car again...nothing fancy, just a point A to point B kind of car. Something to get me out of this effing apartment and out into the world as often as possible. I hate...greatly dislike...being cooped up in my apartment. I need air. I need to see other buildings. It doesn't mean I don't love you, apartment. Time apart is healthy. Promise.
Rolling with that goal...FINANCES...dun Dun DUN!!! Ohhh boy, this is a big one! I have so many things I need to take care of financially, and I really want to start working on paying it all off and possibly creating a decent credit score. I have many debts, and many things in queue that require a somewhat large chunk of change. I need to get my teeth fixed, my dogs to the vet, a car (see previous goal), among other things I can't think of right now...so it's time to start a budget! Budget, pay bills on time, sign up for payment plans with bill collectors, start taking care of my teeth a little at a time, etc...can't wait for that promotion!
Alrighty, here's the biggie! Muuuuusic... I have GOT to get over this insane fear I have of pursuing my music...it goes wayyyy deeper than you could imagine. I can barely play for my damn friends! People who have heard me a hundred times, I still get ridiculously nervous and start diminishing whatever I'm about to play/sing. It's not an attractive quality. It's plain annoying. And the weirdest part? I really love my songs! I'm proud of them, and think I have something here...but shit, what if no one agrees? What if I look stupid? What if people say, "what was she thinking??" ????......WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE?! Right?!
SO, I have analyzed and picked apart this fear of mine...and I know a couple of things I need to do. I need lessons. I need a vocal coach, and I need private guitar lessons. It seems like the only way I can stay focused and learn consistently. The nice thing is, I'm a quick learner. So the lessons will be even more beneficial for me than the average Joe...sephine? Either way, I need to get down to business! It's business time!!! (Name THAT reference!!) The vocal coach can wait until I'm a little more financially stable...I have ways of working on that on my own. But I definitely want a guitar teacher...and if someone would take me, I've already found my teacher! Too bad he won't read this. I'll have to stalk him later. Sorry, stake him. Okay, inside joke. Sorry.
I also need to start going to open mics. One step towards this goal: I have scoured the internet for any and all open mics that appeal to me, and have their locations and schedules saved. So, one step towards this goal? CHECK! Now to show up...who's with me???
I think that's a good starting point. I have a list of very important priorities here, and the best part?? They all link up towards my ultimate goal: A better me. I need to be happy with me, just me. I need to stop thinking about love, and when I'll find it again. I'm a good person, I have great qualities, and I love unconditionally. Love should be lining up at my doorstep! But it's not...and I have to relax and accept that...and then love will find me. And we'll live happily ever after...and our love children will frolic in the gardens of the happiness we've built on our candy-coated mountain of puppy dog tails and rain-fuckin-bows... Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth,too.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A New Dawn, A New Day and A New Life...
So, I found my old blog (with a whopping 2 posts) from a couple of years ago thanks to a friend of mine starting one...and I realized, I really need to start writing again- as in, just writing. Not songs or poetry or whatnot...but just writing. There is so much going on inside of me right now and I need to release it or I'm going to explode, and this seems healthy enough- so here we go!
Disclaimer: I don't really care if anyone reads any of this. Honestly, it's more for me. But if you stumble across my ramblings and decide to comment, feel free. It's always nice to know someone understands or relates to the craziness ensuing within me.
To Catch You Up: I recently got out of a five-year relationship with my best friend. The hardest thing I ever did was leave him, and it immediately made me feel invincible...not anything against him, believe me, just that if I could do THAT, I could do, well- ANYthing! It made the whole transition a lot easier for me than I expected. I suddenly had a new outlook on life, like I was finally in control. I am already very honest, and soon became brave...r. ish. Okay, I'm still a big wuss, but some parts of my life began to just make sense. I started to realize what I really want from someone as a counterpart to my heart and soul. Now, this is very important to me, because I normally have no idea and do my best to find the right pieces to the puzzle of what makes me "me". Because of this, a lot of friendships have failed for me. (Side note, I now have the most amazing friends- finally). But for love...ah, love. I love love. Let me tell you something, if I could always be in love, I would. It is the greatest feeling in the world to have someone appreciate and not just like, but LOVE you for you...I would never turn it down. I'm "not looking for anything right now", which is translation for: "I'm not looking for anyone but exactly what I have in my mind right now, right now." I think we say this because we're afraid...of what differs from person to person. I'm afraid of rejection- every form, everything about it. It's why I don't push my music, it's why I get pushed over, it's why I struggle with love...BUT- suddenly, I knew what I wanted...so back to the point-
Uno) I now know what I want- nay, what I need from someone to love me. I need communication, open and honest communication. Why is this so hard? Because most people can't handle it...so those who wish they could DON'T because they're afraid of the other's reaction. Well, news flash- WE'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT. I hate games and bullshit, lay it down and lay it thick. It may hurt right then, but you'll be doing me a favor. See, I tend to let my imagination run away with me, so if you don't tell me how it is, I will imagine it how I want it. And then I get hurt anyways, even though you never "did anything". Welcome to the world of women.
Deux) I need someone who understands my love and passion for music...someone who can be nerdy and get excited about the little bendy thing in the song on the radio, someone who can appreciate shitty music because it contains the most beautiful lyrics we've heard all year, someone who can sit and play all day and never get bored with it. I'm no amazing musician or anything, but my love for it runs deeper than almost anything else in my life. If we don't have that connection, to hell with it!
C) I need someone who will push me to do all the things I want, need and am capable of doing...and understand that I'm going to push back. I can't help it. I'm so damn scared of rejection, I will procrastinate until the cows come home if it means I don't have to face it. But I want to....oh, how I want to face it so bad because I KNOW it'll be okay in the end, I do. I just need to be kicked off the diving board, into the deep end of that fear. Every time I do, I never look back- so at least there's something to look forward to on the other end :)
4) I need someone to be okay with how much "me" time I need. I may not always admit it, but I know I need it. For example, I go on "me dates". I find my favorite sushi restaurant, sit outside so I can smoke (I know, I know), order sake, beer and all my favorite raw fishies. Then I people watch- it always inspires me, never fails. Probably one of my favorite pastimes. I love observing people; how they interact, their body language, their clothes- all of it. I love to imagine up stories for them- like where they're going, where they're coming from, who they're thinking of, who they are...I can get stuck on the thought that there are so many different personality types and storylines all around me for hours...it fascinates me. It helps me write, which brings us back to music- and you know how I feel about that.
Second place for most important, I need someone to be silly with. I am a nerd, a big one...I'm not always funny, but usually think I am. And when I realize I just said something "not" funny, I think that's funny and laugh more...laughter is the best medicine, and I'm an addict to things that make me feel good. I love stupid comedy, dry comedy, dark comedy- comedy is what keeps me sane. Any form of it. You can't take life too seriously with me, but you still need to be serious when necessary. This was a problem in my last relationship- noooooo bueno. There's a common balance, so grab a stick and walk that line with me!
So, most importantly on this long ramble of things I need- (apologies to anyone actually reading this)- someone who can actually love me for...you guessed it- ME!! I have worked very hard, and still am, on recognizing and accepting my flaws. We all have them, we all deny them, but they make us who we are. Well, I like me. I really do. So to appreciate me all the more, I've been personally picking out my flaws, adjusting where I see fit, and accepting what will always be. I will always be stubborn. I will always be controlling and a perfectionist. I will always be just a tiny bit jealous. I will always be emotional. I will always care too much, and worry too much. I obsess. I cry. I'm a wuss. Blah blah blah...I accept these things because I can recognize when I do them, usually point it out before you do, and attempt to lessen the effects. But they're not going away, and you need to accept that. As with everything written prior, I will do the same for you. That's why I can accept my flaws, because I feel the good outweighs the bad- no, I know it does. I love and care for people more than I probably should. Or more than people say I should. I think love is the greatest gift, and not enough people get it, although everyone deserves it.
All you need is love...I guess that's the theme of this first post. Sorry it turned into a lot more than an introduction, per se...guess it just goes to show I have a lot to get off of my chest. Love is always on my mind, so my recent revelations just poured out of me. On a funny note, I didn't mention looks up there because they don't particularly matter to me...but I can't stand guys who are too into themselves or their looks. I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and she said: "You're so not picky, you are picky!" That's fine. Picky is what I deserve to be. Damn it. That's what everyone keeps telling me, and yet I'm alone. Well, it's only been 3 months, but I'm not a doctor and I don't have patience! ..........yes, I'm laughing out loud.
Disclaimer: I don't really care if anyone reads any of this. Honestly, it's more for me. But if you stumble across my ramblings and decide to comment, feel free. It's always nice to know someone understands or relates to the craziness ensuing within me.
To Catch You Up: I recently got out of a five-year relationship with my best friend. The hardest thing I ever did was leave him, and it immediately made me feel invincible...not anything against him, believe me, just that if I could do THAT, I could do, well- ANYthing! It made the whole transition a lot easier for me than I expected. I suddenly had a new outlook on life, like I was finally in control. I am already very honest, and soon became brave...r. ish. Okay, I'm still a big wuss, but some parts of my life began to just make sense. I started to realize what I really want from someone as a counterpart to my heart and soul. Now, this is very important to me, because I normally have no idea and do my best to find the right pieces to the puzzle of what makes me "me". Because of this, a lot of friendships have failed for me. (Side note, I now have the most amazing friends- finally). But for love...ah, love. I love love. Let me tell you something, if I could always be in love, I would. It is the greatest feeling in the world to have someone appreciate and not just like, but LOVE you for you...I would never turn it down. I'm "not looking for anything right now", which is translation for: "I'm not looking for anyone but exactly what I have in my mind right now, right now." I think we say this because we're afraid...of what differs from person to person. I'm afraid of rejection- every form, everything about it. It's why I don't push my music, it's why I get pushed over, it's why I struggle with love...BUT- suddenly, I knew what I wanted...so back to the point-
Uno) I now know what I want- nay, what I need from someone to love me. I need communication, open and honest communication. Why is this so hard? Because most people can't handle it...so those who wish they could DON'T because they're afraid of the other's reaction. Well, news flash- WE'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT. I hate games and bullshit, lay it down and lay it thick. It may hurt right then, but you'll be doing me a favor. See, I tend to let my imagination run away with me, so if you don't tell me how it is, I will imagine it how I want it. And then I get hurt anyways, even though you never "did anything". Welcome to the world of women.
Deux) I need someone who understands my love and passion for music...someone who can be nerdy and get excited about the little bendy thing in the song on the radio, someone who can appreciate shitty music because it contains the most beautiful lyrics we've heard all year, someone who can sit and play all day and never get bored with it. I'm no amazing musician or anything, but my love for it runs deeper than almost anything else in my life. If we don't have that connection, to hell with it!
C) I need someone who will push me to do all the things I want, need and am capable of doing...and understand that I'm going to push back. I can't help it. I'm so damn scared of rejection, I will procrastinate until the cows come home if it means I don't have to face it. But I want to....oh, how I want to face it so bad because I KNOW it'll be okay in the end, I do. I just need to be kicked off the diving board, into the deep end of that fear. Every time I do, I never look back- so at least there's something to look forward to on the other end :)
4) I need someone to be okay with how much "me" time I need. I may not always admit it, but I know I need it. For example, I go on "me dates". I find my favorite sushi restaurant, sit outside so I can smoke (I know, I know), order sake, beer and all my favorite raw fishies. Then I people watch- it always inspires me, never fails. Probably one of my favorite pastimes. I love observing people; how they interact, their body language, their clothes- all of it. I love to imagine up stories for them- like where they're going, where they're coming from, who they're thinking of, who they are...I can get stuck on the thought that there are so many different personality types and storylines all around me for hours...it fascinates me. It helps me write, which brings us back to music- and you know how I feel about that.
Second place for most important, I need someone to be silly with. I am a nerd, a big one...I'm not always funny, but usually think I am. And when I realize I just said something "not" funny, I think that's funny and laugh more...laughter is the best medicine, and I'm an addict to things that make me feel good. I love stupid comedy, dry comedy, dark comedy- comedy is what keeps me sane. Any form of it. You can't take life too seriously with me, but you still need to be serious when necessary. This was a problem in my last relationship- noooooo bueno. There's a common balance, so grab a stick and walk that line with me!
So, most importantly on this long ramble of things I need- (apologies to anyone actually reading this)- someone who can actually love me for...you guessed it- ME!! I have worked very hard, and still am, on recognizing and accepting my flaws. We all have them, we all deny them, but they make us who we are. Well, I like me. I really do. So to appreciate me all the more, I've been personally picking out my flaws, adjusting where I see fit, and accepting what will always be. I will always be stubborn. I will always be controlling and a perfectionist. I will always be just a tiny bit jealous. I will always be emotional. I will always care too much, and worry too much. I obsess. I cry. I'm a wuss. Blah blah blah...I accept these things because I can recognize when I do them, usually point it out before you do, and attempt to lessen the effects. But they're not going away, and you need to accept that. As with everything written prior, I will do the same for you. That's why I can accept my flaws, because I feel the good outweighs the bad- no, I know it does. I love and care for people more than I probably should. Or more than people say I should. I think love is the greatest gift, and not enough people get it, although everyone deserves it.
All you need is love...I guess that's the theme of this first post. Sorry it turned into a lot more than an introduction, per se...guess it just goes to show I have a lot to get off of my chest. Love is always on my mind, so my recent revelations just poured out of me. On a funny note, I didn't mention looks up there because they don't particularly matter to me...but I can't stand guys who are too into themselves or their looks. I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and she said: "You're so not picky, you are picky!" That's fine. Picky is what I deserve to be. Damn it. That's what everyone keeps telling me, and yet I'm alone. Well, it's only been 3 months, but I'm not a doctor and I don't have patience! ..........yes, I'm laughing out loud.
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