I know I ramble on and moan and groan on this blog... but I don't do this for other people. I do this for myself. Anyone even remotely interested in what I have to say is flattering to me, but I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything. I just need this. If I don't get some of the thoughts in my head out, I may explode one day. I'm thankful for my always-movin' mind because it makes me somewhat intelligent, thoughtful and creative... I just wish it would slow down every once in a while... take a break. Sometimes, I feel like one of those fools with a stick protruding from my head, dangling some secret desire of mine that my mind is racing to find. We all know how that story ends...
Today... is a sad day. My family is about to lose a member; and for one person in particular, they are experiencing some very mixed emotions. Emotions I can certainly relate to... you see, my great-grandfather (my Grammy's father) is on life-support and about to pass on... their relationship is a complicated one, but I'm not here to air someone else's laundry...
I'm here because the whole ordeal has thrown me into thoughts of my family. I've had a good life, but it was littered with drama, pain, hidden feelings, regret, loneliness... of course, everyone has their own story; their own pain and experiences. Mine is just another example. The biggest issue for me has always been my father. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about that... but I will say that I understand the feelings my grandmother is feeling right now, as she says goodbye to someone so important, who was never around. I do, however, need to talk about something... so I will finally talk about... Monte.
To understand Monte, you have to understand that side of the family first. My grandparents were strict, but kind and loving. You were well taken care of, but taught the value of every penny counting. I know this, because my dad left me in their care until I was 16. Which, at this point, I'm thankful for. They brought me up well, and I'm grateful for everything they've ever done for me. Monte stayed with us for most of my childhood, and when he eventually moved out, he bought the house next door. Needless to say, he was a big part of my life. Monte was more outgoing, outspoken and honest than the rest of the family. I loved him for it... I always had a lot of respect for the person he was. I lost touch with him once living on my own, as I had fallen into a lifestyle of partying and "finding myself". It took a lot of great talks with my Papa and prayer to not fall into a pit of regret for those lost years... but Monte loved me through it all. Unbeknownst to me for most of those years, he kept a room ready for me in his house, just in case I ever needed it. My well-being was always in the back of his mind, no matter what. He was more than an uncle to me, he was the big brother I never had, and the father figure I craved all my life.
When Monte passed, it was so sudden and unexpected. I received the call at work from my step-aunt to come home... and I knew immediately that someone had died. I don't know how I knew, but you just do. The whole way there, I thought it was my father... I cannot even begin to describe the emotions running through me that entire car ride. It was absolutely horrible. I don't have it in me to describe what happened when I arrived, but when I found out who it was... have you ever had every inch of breath leave your body and all of your limbs go numb? All at once? I will never forget that moment. I can barely remember the next two weeks. I do not handle loss well. Less than a month later, one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly.
Mike Gerking was easily loved. He had a mischievous face and could make you laugh your ass off. He was a dear friend of mine, even my prom date one year, and a hell of a musician. Losing someone is tough; losing two of the most important people from my life was tragic. Mike had a lot of health problems he was working through, and eventually passed in his sleep. Monte... Monte left on top of his game. He had just finished a flag-football tournament in Vegas, but missed his flight. He grabbed a rental, drove in the direction of his car, and went off the road into the canal about 20 miles from his destination. He left behind no wife, no kids... but he owned his own home. He was starting a very well-paying job that week. He had many amazing friends (that I met at his funeral... such wonderful people I never knew existed). And he had my heart. No matter what happened in my life, I knew he had my back. There are days I think I see him, and my heart stops. It's been 5 1/2 years, but to this day, it feels like yesterday.
It feels good to talk about him... I've never put in writing what I went through. Though I didn't share all of the details, it feels good to put something down. I've learned that people live on through you... through your memories of them; stories, experiences... talking about them keeps them alive in your heart. I'm thinking of my Grammy tonight, as she embarks on a journey of pain, loss and acceptance. I pray she finds peace in her heart for the life they shared, and the life they didn't. I feel blessed that I helped her through a bit of it today over a nice phone conversation... losing someone is never easy. Everyone has a special place in our hearts that no one else can fill. So do your heart a favor, and let those people know where they stand. You just never know what tomorrow brings, or doesn't...
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