I'm All Shook Up

So many interesting things happening in my life right now... some good, sooome... not so good. "Well, what on earth do you mean, Shaneil?" Oh! Listen up!

I guess I shouldn't get you too excited... some 'happenings' in my life are better left unsaid at the moment... I am definitely feeling a twist of emotions, as I bounce between hope for the future, and angst for what may occur. I have accomplished so much recently, and am extremely proud of it... but. I am about to learn a tough lesson in sticking to my gut and following my moral instincts. It has shaken me awake to the fact that it could all disappear in an instant. No matter the outcome, I only have myself to blame, and that is not a fun feeling. Taking full responsibility for actions that damage your life is a difficult, but necessary, choice. As I've said before, you choose the outcome of your life. You can't control what's given to you, but you can and should control how you handle it. Having taken a situation and chosen the wrong path, I am dealing with the consequences, whatever they may be, and continuing down this path called life the best way I know how... true to myself; true to my heart.

My career is either going to take a very sharp turn, or continue on with a slap on the hand... in any case, my perspective is completely revamped and my guard up more than ever. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I chose to do something wrong and am feeling the pain as I await the results... In my life, I've always believed in good karma. Call it what you want, but every time I chose to be honest and true when I could've attempted the alternative, something good came back around and proved my choice valid. Now, I sit and stew as I find out what the bad can be... another lesson learned; another growth opportunity. I guess we'll just see...

On the other side of the rusty penny, I'm embracing love from all directions. I have a large number of people in my life who care about me, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. You know who you are, and I appreciate you. No matter what happens in life, having a strong support system can get you through the toughest of times. While my journey continues to move up and down, I can always count on the fact that I have a number of shoulders to cry on, lean on, or rest on with a smile on my face. Most importantly, I have myself to count on... and Buster. :) If I get down on myself, he reminds me that at least one being has unconditional love for me... even if I make a mistake. He's my little guy, and my big rock. I just love the heck out of him!

When life throws the ball in your face, go for three more and take the base! Or walk to the mound and punch life in the mouth. Either way, the earth may move below your feet, shaking your world and knocking things down a bit... but if you keep your balance, head on straight, and eyes looking forward- everything falls into place exactly as it should be. So yes, I'm a bit anxious to see what the next couple of weeks hold, but I know that everything happening to me is leading me in the direction it's supposed to... my future. No one else's future, just mine. What I do with it is in my hands, and I prefer the driver's seat over the passenger's. I like to hold the remote. And I wanna push the button!! Okay, I love you, buh bye!

Movin' On Forward

It is quite late, and I was curled up, ready for sleep... but I felt a desire to write I haven't felt in a while... sooo... I'm going with it.

As I lay my head down to the pillow, I instantly realized something. Like a shot in the dark, it jolted me. Once again, I've been misguiding my focus onto things I need not be... misguiding them... to. Or something like that. I'm losing faith in myself, as I start my same routine all over again- procrastination, dreaminess, bad habits...

I had an interesting moment tonight; moments, in fact, right before I lay down to attempt sleep. I talked to God. Now, I don't usually discuss religion on here, mainly because I dislike stirring up strong debates over such touchy subjects... I have high anxiety, remember? BUT. For tonight, I will tell you that I do believe we are far too special to not have something greater than us, out there, watching over us... in one way or another. I do believe most of what I've learned from Christianity. However, I have my own special relationship with said "being" that may go against normal standards. I am comfortable in the fact that I try to live my life the best I can, but acknowledge that I make mistakes and feel remorse for them. I'm tryin'...

Moving along, I had a talk with God... and having not done so in quite some time, I realized how faith is so easily lost. For myself, at least. Without notice, I've lost a little faith in... me... and it's brought my mood down a bit the past few days. What a relief to have realized it this soon! As soon as I have these smack you in the face moments... well. I feel like I've been smacked in the face! It really wakes me up to a new single-life situation that I'm just not used to, I suppose. This is my first time, living completely alone, and it's not always easy. BUT. But, but, but... it is absolutely, totally, one-hundred friggen' percent... worth. it. I'm only a month in, but each day is a tiny hurdle... Tonight, I feel refreshed. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as I return my focus to myself, once again. Not to fear, folks- Shaneil's figurin' shit out!

I'm now even more excited that I already have another 2 days off, coming up soon. Everything's coming together, piece by piece. This puzzle of a life has so much color, some gray areas, even just black and white... but it's all building towards something greater, and I feel it more than ever. I feel myself growing every day, into the woman I've always wanted to be. It's my time to shine, and this fire is BLAZIN'!

Deep Space

*Siiigh* I've been blogging less and less and it makes me sad... but it's a good thing. A very good thing. Life has kept me busy lately and it's a refreshing sense of adventure. I'm out on my own, doing everything on my own, surrounded by family and friends that truly care about me... me me. Not someone I pretend to be so people can tolerate me... they just take my crazy, emotional, dreamy self and love me for who I am. It's quite a feeling to know people truly appreciate you and believe in you. In this new apartment, I feel alive... alive in a way I never have. And I'm making moves at a job I love, yet reconnecting with my passion, music. Ohhh music, I've missed the hell out of you!

As with anyone, though, my life is faaar from perfect. I'm hitting my own bumps in the road, but I'm holding my head high, believing in myself in a way I thought I never could. But yes, I'm looonely. Boo-fricken'-hoo. I greatly dislike feeling this way, but it comes with the territory. I like having someone to come home to, or someone to hold hands with. I know it's cheesy, but I do love love. Who doesn't? I'm accepting and somewhat comfortable with this state of being, but I do not have to like it! *crosses arms*

I'm not particularly interested in discussing one specific topic in this post... I'm sort of just... thinking out loud? Or aloud? Which is it? Anyways. I guess I've been struggling with this "blog" because I'm almost afraid to say "out loud/aloud" what I'm really thinking... which is DEFINITELY a first for me! I guess... I'm still settling into this new feeling... so it's difficult to express. I feel completely different, yet remain the same ol' me. I'm not sure what it all means yet, but I feel good about the future. I can only imagine what it holds, which is dangerous for me, so I'm preparing for the worst, yet hoping for the best. It's strange... I cannot even, for the life of me, be the least bit witty! Sorry folks, guess Shaneil's on a different playing field now. I'd watch for foul balls.

New Dawn, New Day, New Life... Part 3

Leave it to your best friend to keep you motivated, even if from about 230 miles away! The last two weeks have flown on by, but it's only because I've been so incredibly happy, I barely noticed. I've missed you, blogger- let's chat!

Many of my friends are getting married, getting pregnant, getting puked on by their little ones; but today, it's just me and my little man, Buster. My new place is everything and more... more than I imagined it could be. Sure, it's just a little studio in the heart of Koreatown... but it's so perfect for me, I could puke on myself! From my own space, to the building, to the landlord and all of the tenants within, it is a place I call home with a smile on my face. :) <---see?

I preach about the fact that we control what we receive in life, but it's more than that... it's being able to put yourself out there for good things to happen to you. Sometimes, you have to put pride, dignity, and all of that other rubbish on the shelf, and truly strive for what you want. When I came to view this apartment, I immediately fell in love. Nothing could stop me from getting my dream apartment, not even myself! Through reaching out to friends and family for help financially, manually labor...ly, and emotionally, I achieved my goal and am now sitting in said dream apartment, Buster by my side, helicopters filling the air, a breeze flowing through my windows (which, by the way, face a pretty nice view of LA! Did I mention my last apartment had two windows? That faced walls? WALLS?!) I am exactly where I need to be, and it took letting my guard down and asking for help. They say there's nothing wrong with asking for help, and I stand here as your proof. It is TOTALLY worth it!

Though I give due credit to those who helped me in one way or another, I take pride in the fact that this happened because I made it happen. I made the steps to acquire what I needed to achieve this goal... as for the last two weeks in new habitat? Ohhhh boy...

Through battles with a lack of funds, a lack of necessary moving help, a lack of time, stow away roaches, deflating air mattresses, and so on... I came out on the other side with newfound friendships with amazing neighbors, an aching desire to come home every night, discoveries of little gems in markets that smell like spoiled milk (a broom for a dolla'?? Holla'!), and the perfect setting for me to fall back in love with my true love... music. That's right, kids! I fixed what I thought was a broken string, and have been playing/singing every. flippin'. DAY! My voice has never sounded better, my confidence has never been so strong, and my heart has never been so full of a driving force pushing me towards what I truly want: to attempt something with my music. I need to really dive into it with practice and practice aaaaand... more practice first, but it's coming... oh, yes! It's coming...

I've met some boys and had some fun, I've snuggled my pup when the day is done. I've hung some clothes and dressed some walls, I've reminisced through unpacking it all. This life is mine and only for me, and it's finally what I want it to be... look out world, Shaneil's in the driver's seat, and her high beams are blinding any obstacle in her way! It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me... and damn it, I'm feelin' gooooooood.

A New Beginning - At Last

Wow. You know you really care about someone when you're happy to see them so happy. I had a couple of people tell me this new thing said person has won't last... but even if it doesn't, he just looks so damn happy, I'm almost at peace with it. At the same time, it makes this whole thing a little bit sadder for me.

It's strange how attached you can allow yourself to become to someone in such a short time. (Wow. "Editor's note": That sentence bugs the crap out of me, but I don't know how else to word it. Ha!) I'm sad, but again, relieved. It's all kind of a blur, so I'm left with thoughts of the future. Which I'm really excited about! I'm sooo close to moving into this dream apartment of mine... I'm working out a few kinks, but everything's in my hands. Now, if I could just get some damn movers! ANYONE! Seriously. Please? :D

I have a lot I want to accomplish. One such thing is getting back into music. I miss it more than ever, and I'm aching to feel that guitar in my hand again with newfound perspective and creative juices raring to go... I feel very good things in the future of Shaneil's "music career", in the sense that I'm anxious to actually do something. My little "gig" seems ages ago... another loss in the mess I made. But I'm ready to find it again, and ecstatic to do so!

Things are going to be okay. I truly believe that. It doesn't mean I won't hurt. It doesn't mean I won't ache. It certainly doesn't mean I won't cry. But it does mean that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and my track is finally on course again. Come here, life! Gimme a hug!

I Saw The Sign...s

Ohhh, what a silly little woman I am! Looking back on everything, I keep seeing the "signs". I feel like one of the characters from "He's Just Not That Into You". I had outside perspectives, similar situations, and the undying hope of something happening- all clouding my mind. Blinded by like...

Sometimes, we want something so bad, we ignore the signs. When you're grasping onto any kind of hope, you tend to only see and hear what you want. All directions pointed to "never gonna happen", but I would take the smallest inkling of possibility and run with it... never looking back at the mess I left behind. Kind of makes me want to kick myself in the ass... but again, it's just another lesson learned. No need to berate myself for following my heart, just need to remember to keep my head on straight in the process.

I keep flashing back to random memories, and end up laughing to myself about the evidence I refused to see... so much makes sense now. So. Much. It actually feels good to look back and recognize what I couldn't back then... I feel like I'm reliving the entire course of events, with a brand new perspective. Boy, was I way off track! Such is this crazy life we're living...

It's been such a rollercoaster ride of a year, up and down and side to side and... ugh, it's making me sick. Haven't I already said I don't like rollercoasters??? Sheesh! I'm planting my feet back on the ground and staying there, damn it! So much and yet so little has happened... but it's all pushing me in the direction that I need to be headed. I'm learning lessons and picking up new tricks along the way. My perspective is completely revamped and I'm reentering my world with hope, courage, love and self-worth. Most importantly, I'm no longer ignoring the signs. The universe has my back if I choose to listen, so I'm all ears. Literally. I had surgery to replace my limbs with extra ears- you can never be too prepared! Or... prepEARed...? Okay, that was a stretch. This is why I write at night.

A Lesson Learned

I feel like such an idiot tonight. Why I ever let anything get built up in my head... my fucking imagination is a double-edge sword. It can inspire and create beautiful songs, poetry and whatnot... but when it comes to something I really want that will probably never happen or is too good to be true... welllll then it tends to get out of hand and I'm left with the shattered pieces of my heart in the end. Welcome to my world.

I've talked about how "not looking for anything" is a crock of shit. Well, it's true. You're not looking for anything until you find something worth looking for... I recently found something worth looking for. Unfortunately, this person did not feel the same. Unbeknownst to me, though, I held on and hoped for the best. Now I'm sitting here, ashamed and disappointed in myself for ever thinking otherwise. What a cruel world life can be... especially when emotions are involved. I let this person have a part of me that is held onto only for those deserving... I can only hope he feels guilty for the pain he's caused. He knew how I felt, or at least, knew I was interested...

I said to my friend tonight, "Even though it's not, do you ever feel like you're having the worst night of your life?" Well, I'm starting to think it was the best. The best thing that could've happened to me was the slap in the face I received tonight to show me I need to move on... it's funny; I've heard, from a couple of people (indirectly), that this person is incredibly selfish... the universe has been telling me to move on to something different, but the fact that this person happens to hit every quality I look for held me back from seeing the truth. Now, I can only look forward and truly believe in the fact that being alone is exactly what I need right now. The best part? HE is missing out... not me.

I take pride in the fact that I am an excellent lover and supporter... if you are the one and only in my life, nothing else matters. I dedicate myself to someone, while still keeping the necessary space. It wasn't always this way, but I've grown into a woman someone should be proud to call their own. I am intelligent, creative, caring, beautiful and confident in myself. So, you know what? I'm happy. Secretly, I've been hoping something would go wrong. Sounds strange, but I have felt recently that this is neither healthy, nor necessary in my life at the moment. I'm embarking on a lot of new adventures, and I need to think about myself and ONLY myself. So, thank you, unnamed asshole. Yes, you can be a good friend, but when it came to my heart, you destroyed an instinct I thought rang true. Another lesson learned, another page turned. This is another chapter, another story... another memory that will resonate in a beautiful new song. You already inspired so many... why not ice the cake?

Speak the Unspoken

I know I ramble on and moan and groan on this blog... but I don't do this for other people. I do this for myself. Anyone even remotely interested in what I have to say is flattering to me, but I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything. I just need this. If I don't get some of the thoughts in my head out, I may explode one day. I'm thankful for my always-movin' mind because it makes me somewhat intelligent, thoughtful and creative... I just wish it would slow down every once in a while... take a break. Sometimes, I feel like one of those fools with a stick protruding from my head, dangling some secret desire of mine that my mind is racing to find. We all know how that story ends...

Today... is a sad day. My family is about to lose a member; and for one person in particular, they are experiencing some very mixed emotions. Emotions I can certainly relate to... you see, my great-grandfather (my Grammy's father) is on life-support and about to pass on... their relationship is a complicated one, but I'm not here to air someone else's laundry...

I'm here because the whole ordeal has thrown me into thoughts of my family. I've had a good life, but it was littered with drama, pain, hidden feelings, regret, loneliness... of course, everyone has their own story; their own pain and experiences. Mine is just another example. The biggest issue for me has always been my father. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about that... but I will say that I understand the feelings my grandmother is feeling right now, as she says goodbye to someone so important, who was never around. I do, however, need to talk about something... so I will finally talk about... Monte.

To understand Monte, you have to understand that side of the family first. My grandparents were strict, but kind and loving. You were well taken care of, but taught the value of every penny counting. I know this, because my dad left me in their care until I was 16. Which, at this point, I'm thankful for. They brought me up well, and I'm grateful for everything they've ever done for me. Monte stayed with us for most of my childhood, and when he eventually moved out, he bought the house next door. Needless to say, he was a big part of my life. Monte was more outgoing, outspoken and honest than the rest of the family. I loved him for it... I always had a lot of respect for the person he was. I lost touch with him once living on my own, as I had fallen into a lifestyle of partying and "finding myself". It took a lot of great talks with my Papa and prayer to not fall into a pit of regret for those lost years... but Monte loved me through it all. Unbeknownst to me for most of those years, he kept a room ready for me in his house, just in case I ever needed it. My well-being was always in the back of his mind, no matter what. He was more than an uncle to me, he was the big brother I never had, and the father figure I craved all my life.

When Monte passed, it was so sudden and unexpected. I received the call at work from my step-aunt to come home... and I knew immediately that someone had died. I don't know how I knew, but you just do. The whole way there, I thought it was my father... I cannot even begin to describe the emotions running through me that entire car ride. It was absolutely horrible. I don't have it in me to describe what happened when I arrived, but when I found out who it was... have you ever had every inch of breath leave your body and all of your limbs go numb? All at once? I will never forget that moment. I can barely remember the next two weeks. I do not handle loss well. Less than a month later, one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly.

Mike Gerking was easily loved. He had a mischievous face and could make you laugh your ass off. He was a dear friend of mine, even my prom date one year, and a hell of a musician. Losing someone is tough; losing two of the most important people from my life was tragic. Mike had a lot of health problems he was working through, and eventually passed in his sleep. Monte... Monte left on top of his game. He had just finished a flag-football tournament in Vegas, but missed his flight. He grabbed a rental, drove in the direction of his car, and went off the road into the canal about 20 miles from his destination. He left behind no wife, no kids... but he owned his own home. He was starting a very well-paying job that week. He had many amazing friends (that I met at his funeral... such wonderful people I never knew existed). And he had my heart. No matter what happened in my life, I knew he had my back. There are days I think I see him, and my heart stops. It's been 5 1/2 years, but to this day, it feels like yesterday.

It feels good to talk about him... I've never put in writing what I went through. Though I didn't share all of the details, it feels good to put something down. I've learned that people live on through you... through your memories of them; stories, experiences... talking about them keeps them alive in your heart. I'm thinking of my Grammy tonight, as she embarks on a journey of pain, loss and acceptance. I pray she finds peace in her heart for the life they shared, and the life they didn't. I feel blessed that I helped her through a bit of it today over a nice phone conversation... losing someone is never easy. Everyone has a special place in our hearts that no one else can fill. So do your heart a favor, and let those people know where they stand. You just never know what tomorrow brings, or doesn't...

With Each Door Closed, Another Opens

I'm feeling a little all over the place today. Happy and anxious. Subdued. Relieved. Stagnant. So many different emotions in the slide show of my mind... it's almost impossible to keep up. I'm taking one thing at a time, but I can't help switching slides and changing moods. For the most part? I feel good. No- I feel great. I do. I'm hopeful... in spite of the fact I have a feeling a small heartache is near. I'm prepared, though, and focused on what really matters. Myself.

Behind Door #1- Shaneil took ahold of her career. I should've spoken up earlier. I know this. I feel bad for this. It is what it is, though- my favorite cop-out. If you didn't know already, I cancelled the big interview on Tuesday when I was already halfway there. Well, postponed it. It only sets me back a couple of months, and I really and truly needed to make that decision. It's all too fast, too soon for something I've barely been able to prepare for. On top of that, my personal life needs some mending time before piling on a whole crapload of work... so I made the call to the district manager, explained my position, and went home. An extremely tough phone call, though it went well. The point is, I feel an enourmous amount of relief and am pleased with my choice.

Behind Door #2- Shaneil released some nagging feelings. Some things have been bothering me to the point where nothing else mattered. Enough was enough. So after making peace with a few things, I finally voiced some concerns to someone and feel extremely relieved. I do not necessarily expect a response... but just saying it "out loud" made me feel better.

Behind Door #3- Shaneil's seeing her effing family!!! Many of you probably do not know much about my relationship with my family. It is so complicated and varied that I tend to keep my family life personal and private. That isn't to say I won't answer questions about them, I just don't offer up the information very often. Well, after over 2 years of not seeing my Mom and Grammy, they're coming into town tomorrow for 3 days!! I am SO thrilled to see them, and two of my little sisters. Some much needed love and attention is just what the doctor ordered for this achin' heart...

With my priorities straightened out a bit, I'm feeling better and better each day. I'm looking towards the future with a smile and high hopes. I'm in control and no one else. Not anymore. This is my world, and I'm the only one living in it... so take your shoes off at the door.

Slow Your Roll!

It has been a rough couple of days, but I made a big decision that I feel is best right now. Halfway to my big interview yesterday, I called and cancelled. That's the short story version. The decision was made after a morning of disaster after disaster trying to get out to Burbank. I suddenly realized, I'm not ready for this. Everything happened so quickly that I barely had a chance to let it soak in... and with everything else going on in my life, I needed to step back and recognize what's good for me right now, and what isn't.

My body has desperately been trying to tell me to slow down... and I finally paid attention to the call. I'm physically, emotionally, and mentally drained... and before it gets too out of hand, I need to relax and let everything fall back into its rightful place. I'm feeling better and better each day, and this decision took a huge weight off of my shoulders, figuratively and literally! I was lugging a good 50 lbs of supplies around yesterday for that interview, and I am FEELING it! I need a massage...

Sometimes, life moves a little too quickly to keep up and still maintain sanity. So I'm throwing on the e-brake and letting my mind, body and soul catch up. I'm slowly but surely turning into the woman I have always wanted to be, but in order to do that, I have to make good decisions for myself. The temporary postponement of my promotion is one of them. How can I possibly move into a position I am in no way prepared or developed for? This is only a 1-2 month delay, but just what I need to come into my own as a developing assistant manager. I'm excited for the next few months to finally accomplish the goals I have for my store and my career.

On top of the added stress of this promotion, I actually pushed back music to do this... shame on me! I should NEVER turn my back on the one thing that never lets me down and is always there to renew my self-being. I was reminded of my love and passion for music when my roomie showed me a new style of strumming she discovered she could do... I remember those days- being so excited to share something I learned on guitar. I miss that! She inspired me to get back to my poor, unused and untouched guitar. Now to buy new strings, since my dog so kindly decided to jump on my guitar and break my E string... great, more money to spend that I don't have!

Life is throwing a lot at me, but I'm taking it one step at a time. I've been up. I've been down. I feel I'm somewhere in the middle, but on the higher end and continually moving up. It's all about taking care of the one person who will always be there for me... me. I'm feeling really good about the decisions I'm making and the changes I'm instilling in myself. It's all a learning process, and I've got my thinking cap on! It's tough being the teacher and the student- where's my overtime pay??

How Deep Is Your Love?

There comes a time in one's life where you sit back and re-evaluate everything. I think it's called "growing up". Anyways. I took a biiiig step back recently and realized I love everything and everyone around me deeply... except myself. That shit is WHACK! I should be the first person I love, before anyone else. Besides, how can you possibly love someone else if you don't find love for yourself? Maybe this has been my problem all along...

Something I will forever be thankful for is how Chris made me feel about myself. No, no- I'm not dwelling on the guy. Believe me, the decision I made for us was right and I'm happy I did it. I still miss him, though- he is, after all, one of my best friends. But when we were together, he loved me and made me feel like no one else ever has. He truly knew how to make me feel beautiful. We used to have this thing; if you said something bad about yourself, you were ordered to "take it back" or you would be "bopped" on the nose. Seriously. Haha! Ahhh the times I smacked his nose... hey, I got it, too! And it works. If you forget all the crap life throws at you to bring you down, you start to remember that you're good enough for this world. Your head can toy with you... I tend to get lost inside my head sometimes, and overanalyze so much that I start to believe the lies I tell myself. I constantly think I'm not good enough to do the things I love... but I'm finally starting to remember that I am good enough. That I'm worth much more than what I give myself credit for... I feel like I'm reciting this new song I'm writing, seeing as how that's pretty much how it goes. Haha! Man, I feel good tonight. Let's move on.

So, all full of lovin'-me-more-than-ever, I accomplished a few things today. I had work from 8am to 4pm, and work early tomorrow, so I had a small window to get some ish done. It isn't much, but I worked on my interview paperwork, made a list with my own notes on 17 apartments (including phone numbers so I can call Monday!), figured out how I'm going to transfer my cable, and worked on some bills. Nothing to completely cross off of my list yet, but a handful of goals worked on in one way or another. I'm feeling good today. Not great. Not bad. Content. At peace. Tranquil. It's a nice feeling; haven't felt it in a while. Life is life. Love is love. I am me, and that's not changing. It's nice to reconnect with someone I'm spending the rest of my life with! Makes it less awkward.

I'm Already Torn...

I never thought it would hurt this much. I never knew how alone and sad I am. From left field, here comes the truth, smacking me straight in the face.

It's interesting how on point my instincts can be... walking up the stairs to my apartment after a good night at work, I felt a strange "pit-in-my-stomach" feeling... like something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, seeing as how I've been feeling really good the last week or so. Then I got the email. The email saying my ex has met someone he really likes. The email saying he has been seeing her for a couple of weeks. The email that sends me straight into tears. But why? No, I don't want to get back together. No, I'm not jealous. Okay, a little jealous. I just miss the guy so damn much, and now someone else gets his time... his affection... and what do I have? An empty apartment and a non-existant love-life. Jesus, could I feel more sorry for myself?

I've been in "long-term" relationships before, but never for 5 years. Never with someone I lived with. Never with someone who loved me so much. He always said I would find someone first... yet here I am, alone and depressed, while he goes on dates with some girl he met just after we broke up. Don't I have a right to feel this way? Do I need to justify the pain? Am I not entitled to be upset? I don't know, but I feel the way I feel. And I don't like it... Not. One. Bit.

I preach and preach and advise and advise, yet when life throws a curveball at me, I go against everything I teach. I know I should be happy for him... and I am. A little. I guess I'm just more sad for me than anything. I know, I know- "Grow up. Deal with it. You wanted this, remember?" Yeah, well, I did. I do. I just don't want to be alone anymore. It's no fun. It's lonely. Go figure.

This is definitely a pathetic post. My sincerest apologies. I'm in a bad place right now... I can't seem to focus on what matters. Instead, I dwell and dwell and feel nothing but the loneliness of it all... it doesn't help that my roommate is never home and the only friendships I maintain are those I have at work... and they stay at work. I rarely go out, thanks to my schedule and lack of a vehicle. I haven't met anyone (who is also interested in me, I should state), and up until this point, was slightly reluctant to due to my concern for my ex's feelings. Well, so much for that! ...I should shut up. This is silly.

I know things will get better. I know I will eventually meet someone who makes me feel alive again. I know I need to just buck up and let it all go. I know, I know, I know. I can't control my feelings, though- and tonight, they feel low. VERY low. C'est la fuckin' vie, n'est-ce pas? I need a drink. And a date. Any takers?

Ramble On!

Okay. I know. I've been having a lot of these "not sure what the hell I'm talking about yet" posts lately, buuuut. Yeah. There again. Need to write, but what about?? I don't even know what color to pick yet! Okay, umm.....there. Yes, I looked back at my blog to make sure I haven't used this color too recently. Yes, I'm a little weird. Are you really just finding this out?

Anywho, life is good. Life is great. Blah, blah, blah. Hip-hip hooray. Whatever. I had a great day today, but something's still missing. Well, my roommate, for one! Where is she? But something not tangible is missing...something I can't see or touch. Something I need to feel. What the hell is it? Would probably help me title this puppy!

Sometimes you sit back and look at the world and allow a little bit too much bad into your head. I think I've done this today. Took much darkness was cast over my big, beautiful, blue sky. The world is a scary place, yes. It also holds a world of possibilities. I try not to get too involved with politics and whatnot. Some say it's wrong. Some don't blame me. In any case, I just can't handle too much bad. (It's all bullshit to me. Pardonez my French. But it is. I just can't confine myself to one side of things. I always have to look at both sides and try to see every angle. It's probably why it's so easy for me to talk to and meet people. When I go out, I'm social butterfly! Fluttering my yappy self all over the place! Then I learn to refrain, and listen. Promise. Just let me say this one mor-)

In my second to last post, I ended with a line about learning what to embrace, accept and filter. I embrace love. I embrace music... kindness... humor, etc. I accept my flaws and those in others. I filter the bullshit of life. Politics, stereotypes, hate, etc. There are so many different things thrown at us on a day-to-day basis, so I just organize them into little groups. What really matters? What's worth my time? What will never change? What do I have the power to control? I keep an organized mind. I have to! There's wayyyy too much goin' on up there! I'm trying to stay focused on the beauty of life and the richness I have savored through positive thinking and holding on to love and music. They are my driving forces through life. But sometimes, a conversation or a news story or a daily occurrence triggers my mental path for the day towards negative emotions. I had a fabulous time with a dear friend tonight, but part of our conversation was based around the bullshit of life, be it cover-ups, the government, today's music- whatever. Yes, I have my own opinions on these matters, but I rarely discuss them or bring them up because some people either can't handle those kinds of conversations, or know WAY more than I do and I end up sitting there saying..."Yeah. I see what you mean. Sure, yeah." No, I don't know a lot about politics. Sorry. No, I've never voted. Sue me. I know I should care more, but I don't.

The point is, my friend and I were discussing matters that lie deeper than that. And the thing is, a lot of what she said made sense. A lot of it I already knew. Some of it was too ridiculous to fathom. But, I am, have and always will be a firm believer in the possibility of anything. There is so much out there we don't understand- how could we possibly know for sure anything? So you usually hear me say, "Hey, it could happen" with a shrug. But tonight, it struck a chord within me. A really ugly chord. It got my mind racing and my imagination diving into places I don't want it to be. So even though I need to be up quite early tomorrow morning, I decided to sit here for an hour and write. So my sincerest apologies to anyone reading. This may not be what you expected. A little less witty, a little more loopy. A little all over the place. Like I said, my mind is racing. Racing towards the finish line. The final thought. The sigh of relief. The epiphany. A-ha! The feeling I'm missing... Comfort. I don't feel comfortable in this world tonight. It's just one of those nights. Those nights when you feel a little more alone. A little more helpless. A little more afraid. But I know I'm doing my part to try and make it better. It may not be much to most, but to those I touch, it is. The warmth I feel from people is no accident. I'm happy when everyone else is, remember? So I push forward to a new day. I remember my values and worth. I embrace the love of others. I embrace life. The bullshit of the world and the life we live is merely an anthill compared to the mountain of potential we hold within us. United we stand, divided we fall. So- bullshit! Take your best shot! People- get your noseplugs! The shit's about to hit the fan...

A Change (A Change!) Would Do You Good

So, I was looking over my blog, and firstly- I am a blabbermouth! Holy crap! Thanks to everyone who follows and the kind words you have said about my writing. It really means a lot. Anyone even glancing at this ridiculous ramble is a compliment to me- I started writing this just for me. So I'm touched when anyone comments, relates, or just drops a line to say they enjoy reading. Thank you :) Secondly, my little headline or... tagline? What is that thing called below the name of the blog? I'm so not hip. Anyways, it ends with "I'm makin' changes and I like it!". So I started thinking, have I made changes? Where am I at in life now? Where am I going? And most importantly, where do I want to go? What do I want?

I know I'm on a new journey in life, a new chapter. And it's in my hands to make the most of it. Only I control my life- no one else. This has gotten me to the point I'm at now. I had to start living for me and not so much for other people. Find out what I'm like, and stop adapting to my surroundings. Over the last couple of years, it was a struggle. I had to filter through some I thought were friends, some I need at a distance, and meanwhile the really special ones twinkled like stars in the night sky. It got easier for me to find out who actually appreciated who I really am. I'm blessed to have so many good friends, and many still forming. The compassion I feel from everyone around me is overwhelming at times. But it makes the nights at home alone a LOT easier. I need to get my mind in order, for my heart is full and pumping along strong. I feel the love, I'm just distracted. With... stuff. Well, stuff, enough is enough. Let's get moving!

A line in an absolutely beautiful song I haven't been able to get out of my head since I heard it is... "You're hurting from love, yet you're learning from love"- (Connie Lim- "Now". Look. Her. Up!) This pretty much captures what I'm going through right now. I'm hurting from the loneliness of, once again, being alone. I've been feeling sorry for myself, but pushing myself through it with my head held high. I'm doing well. I am. It's up and down, good and bad. It's why I started this blog. My very first post is my revelation of the things I'm learning from love. I've come to realize what I need from someone else to make my life better. To enrich it. To thrive in it. It's a beautiful thing when you finally realize what really makes you happy. But it makes you picky. I'm humbled by anyone who thinks I'm better than good, but I'm aware of what kind of person can put up with me, so I lean towards that. Ha! But it's really that connection I'm looking for. "Your soul's recognition of its counterpart in another"- a pretty damn good line from Wedding Crashers! Love it.

I've talked about how I'm not looking for anything, but wouldn't turn it down either. This is true, BUT- it would have to be something that betters my life and with someone who could push me and drive me to follow my heart and dreams. Right now, that's what I'm focusing on. It's why I do like being alone right now. Sure, there are things I miss (as in "Hey There, Lonely Girl"...haha), but I'm finally focusing on myself and my life and what I want it to be. I know I want to pursue music, really give it a go. It's scary, yes. Slowly but surely, I am making small steps towards it. The fire's growing, though, and I'm starting to dive a little deeper. I feel like I'm ready to push a little harder and roll with the punches. Time is only slipping away, so no time to waste!

My day job is my comfort zone. I do love my job, and feel lucky to have my main source of income be something I actually enjoy. I'm so excited to be in the middle of interviews for assistant manager. I know I can do this and I'm looking forward to, obviously, the money- but the challenge. I love working. I always have, thank goodness. I don't always like going to work, but I take pride in it. No matter the job. I've pushed myself like never before in this district, and have gained a lot of respect and a lot of amazing people I call friends. I'm continuing this journey with Starbucks, but I am focusing on music. It's what I truly love, more than anything. I have so many apprehensions and insecurities with my music that it would blow your mind. It's ridiculous. But after my first show, I felt something I haven't felt in a long time. The passion flowed through every vein and I felt the wind pick me up and carry me to cloud 9. It was such an amazing feeling, and all I wanted to do was sing again. I miss it. And to do it with my own music?? Such an honor. Now I just have to get better at guitar. Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, prac-SERIOUSLY... so much practice.

I feel like I AM making changes. Things are going very well for me, I'm just getting my mind in line with my heart, and vice versa. They seem to keep crossing each other, but never long enough to co-exist on the same wavelength. But I'm writing. I'm feeling. I'm expressing. I'm singing. I'm playing. I'm loving. I'm living. Life is a tricky thing, but you learn what to embrace and what to accept and what to filter. Like life's coffepot.

Lame ending? I thought so, too. Rewrite it for me. Seriously.

Somebody To Lean On

I'm happy when everybody else is happy. So when a good friend of mine is down, all I want to do is help. Hell, not even just "good" friends, anyone in general. I can't help it. I have that motherly-let-me-wipe-your-tears syndrome. I want to hold and console every aching heart and try to make it better. It's exhausting! But, gratifying. And that's all that matters.

Sometimes, people don't want help. I understand this all too well. Stubborn as I am, sometimes I want to figure it out myself and find my own peace with a situation. And sometimes, that's the way it should be. Some things are meant to be dealt with in private, with your own thoughts, your own responses. I have to talk myself through things, sometimes. Yes, I talk out loud. What have I told you about judging me??

I may not always know the details, or understand the pain, but I can be there with a clean shoulder and a comforting hand. And probably a lame joke. I can't help it. I gotta' try to get that smile on your face! I know that, when I'm down about something, even just a hello from an old friend can totally change my mood. People tend to refrain from reaching out because of fear. Fear of a negative reaction, no reaction, too much reaction- but I don't care. I will always put myself out there, because people need people. People need that comfort and support. It's how we thrive. We all need each other, so it's incredibly ridiculous to me how much we fight, bicker, hate and destroy each other. We should be looking to each other for a helping hand, without fear that there won't be one.

Take last night. I got off of work, and SURPRISE! It was raining! I happen to carry an umbrella in my work bag every day, so I was dry and cozy under my little umbrella at the bus stop. I look to my right, and this poor girl is standing in the rain, obviously unaware of the impending weather as I was, arms tight around herself and obvious impatience for the bus to show up. I made a joke about unfolding the big umbrella the parking guy uses, and discovered she doesn't really speak English. No problem! I walked over, handed her my umbrella, and threw my hood on. Hell, the girl was dressed to impress while I stood in my coffee-inspired ensemble- what did I need the damn umbrella for?? She was so sweet! "Thank you! Thank you!" was all she could utter in a language I could understand. She kept putting the umbrella over my head, too, so through much resistance and laughter, I finally stood there next to her in the rain, one under each half of the umbrella. Slightly awkward, yes- but we were both dry and happy. We went to get on the bus, and she insisted I go first. Though we never spoke, she made it a point to say goodbye and thank you again as she departed the bus. What a sweet girl! She totally made my night, and all I did was share a tiny portion of a crappy umbrella. These are those random acts of kindness I speak of. Pay it forward, as they say. It felt great!

I'm not trying to be all "Ooh I'm so awesome, I help people!" I just think if more people did little things like that, the world would be a better place. As cheesy as it is, Starbucks has a mission statement that says "One person, one cup, one neighborhood at a time." I like to think of this as my life's motto. Except, maybe more like "one person, one random act of kindness, one day at a time." Day by day. Person by person. I take it step by step. (No, I will not break into the theme from said show...but yes, I really want to). It doesn't take much to reach out and touch someone in need. So why waste all your time thinking about yourself?

We do, of course, need to think of ourselves, also. That's where my writing comes in, my two amazing boys whom I love dearly, the friends I surround myself with... you are all a part of what makes me "me" and contribute in your own little ways every day. And probably don't even realize it. I keep myself sane by keeping people I love around me. I reach out to everyone, and in turn they reach out to me. It's a two-way street. We're all on it, coasting along this thing called life. Now get off your damn cell phone before you run someone over!

Hugs For Free

I want things I can't have. I miss someone I can't tell. I have a roomie, but feel like I live alone. I'm happy, but down all the time. My life needs to make up it's MIND! Siiiiigh. Someone hold me. Or let me punch them. I feel like either way, I'd feel better. This is another one of those "not sure what to title or write about" yet posts. But again, you already know the title. Sooo.....if you could clue me in, that would be great. Yeaaah...

Things are going really great for me right now. In most aspects. We all have our thorns...but I feel a deep void I can't ignore and I haven't put my finger on it just yet. I feel like every time I write, be it this blog or a song, I get that much closer to figuring it out. So I guess time will tell. Hey, time! Speed it up buddy! Love, Shaneil.

Everyone has a void inside of them that, when filled, creates an overwhelming happiness and joy for life. And like one giant bakery, we all require different fillings and different flavors to make us feel complete. What is mine, you ask? Love. Love, love, love, love...craaaazy love. Well, not exactly. I'm not saying I need some man with roses and a promise of forever right now. Slow down, cowboy! I just need to be loved. Hell, we ALL need to be loved. But I think I need it on a deeper level. I've mentioned my constant need for interaction, but I miss having someone I'm close with. Someone I can talk to on a regular basis. A best friend. Don't get me wrong, Jamie is my best friend and I love her dearly. But I see her less now that we live together... not sure how that came about, but she has her own life to take care of. And very good reason for being off in her own world. Just so we're clear, this is NOTHING against her. (Love you Boo!)

Chris was my boyfriend and my best friend. I lost both of those in one day. I feel extremely lonely most of the time, and though I am blessed to have many dear friends in my life, most of them are only through a computer screen. Apparently I need to get out more. But this is difficult for me with no vehicle, a busy schedule, and a not-so full call log. And hey, I'm not bagging on anybody. Life gets in the way of fun, and you don't exactly see me making too many calls! But we're all busy. What the hell happened to the fun times? Oh yeah... we grew up. Booo.

I find solace in my music and writing. I tell music and tell through music what I don't tell anyone else. So really, music is my best friend. I'm okay with that, but music can't tangibly put its arms around me for a good ol' hug. Man, I love me some hugs. They heal the soul. Forget the punch in the face, I just need a hug.

Yup, I'm a hugger. On a lighter note, I have a friend who is not a hugger. By ANY means. So it's kind of fun to mess with her and hug her REAL good. Miss ya Jess! But I LOVE hugs. A good pair of comforting arms holding me tight to remind me I am loved. I hug everyone, but there are certain hugs you get that hold on for that extra second, and you feel your world at peace. I need one of those. Any takers?

Hugging is weird for some people, but next time you're around someone you really love, give 'em a real good hug. If not for you, for me. Because if it's me, I know I'd appreciate it, and you just never know who may be in need of one at that moment.

PS. Time, let's not fight. I respect you, just wish you'd get things moving along already. I love you, but I don't like you all the time. I'm sure it's mutual. Do you- do you want a hug?

Clarification: Appreciation

I haven't decided what to write about yet. And so, I begin this post untitled... although, by the time you read it, it will be titled...soooo. Whatever. I'm in a weird place today. Can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm just...here. I'm not sure how I feel today. It's not necessarily bad, but not terrific, either. Hmmm.

I took a break from this and wrote a new song, "Close Enough". I think I like it. I never know at first, I just get a good flow going and see what happens. No guitar to it yet, though, thanks to the after-10pm-no-noise-whatsoever-policy at my apartment complex. As I listen to my neighbors have a party. (I really wanted to say "As I listen through the cemetary trees" right there...)

Wow! I just got a really nice compliment from a pretty important person in my history. That certainly picked up my mood! It's funny how one second you can feel somewhat down, yet one little moment can pick it right up. This is why I appreciate life. Hmm...appreciation...

I try to appreciate life as much as I can. I'm not perfect. Nowhere near it. But I do try to take everything in with a positive attitude. This keeps me pretty level-headed, about most. I have my weaknesses, and they show all the time. I suck at hiding them! But even at my job, people view me as a positive person who tries to keep the mood up. Tries. I have bad days. Ohhh boy, do I! But hey, we all do, so I give back by being supportive on yours.

I was raised by my grandparents, and although our relationship is not what it used to be, I appreciate the morals they instilled in me. I feel very blessed to have been pulled from a fury of bad situations and pain, and plopped into a pretty damn good childhood. I was not spoiled, though I did have a lot. I was taught the value of a dollar, and of the little things in life. Things weren't always great, but I had it good and I appreciate everything they ever did for me. I miss them all the time. I'm overdue for a trip home. Stupid money.

Aaaanyways, without getting too serious, here...I'm happy. I'm content. I want more, but I'm in the process of going for it, and that's the first step. No matter what happens to me, I appreciate everything in my life. I think that's the key...it unlocks so many doors to happiness in life. Geez louise, I feel all grown up! I can still go to Toy'R'Us...right? Right?? Crap.

Back, Back, Back It Up

Say what you mean, mean what you say. Actions speak louder than words, so act out!

So, that friend of mine got a small talking-to via a text message sent yesterday... no response. BUT. This person did find a small backwoods path to finally reach out in some way...hope they didn't pull a muscle. Clarification: I'm grateful for the effort, but we'll see how long this lasts. I still feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I can't help but feel the distance still staring me in the face. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I put too much in. Either way, that pit-in-my-stomach feeling remains. I guess we'll just see...ee-yeah-ee-yeah. (Another quote from one of my songs...yes, I love my songs).

People hide, people push, people distance themselves, walls, walls, walls. Break down those walls! Trust someone! Give in! It's scary, but sometimes, sometimes, the person is worth it. I think I am. But people tend to ruin good people. Be it a bad relationship, a shaky friendship, or some other situation, it seems that the ones who show up with the right frame of mind are always a day late and a dollar short. Well, my days are numbered and my pockets are running thin. As is my patience.

Frustration, irritation, segregation. Story of my life. Find someone good for me, and they'll run away. Well, I guess that means they're not good for me, right? Or do I just need to let life happen and be happy with the results? Hmm...

There are a lot of good things happening for me right now, so I'm trying to stay focused and happy and content. I have no reason to complain, though I still do. Life is throwing a lot at me, and though my mitt is a bit worn thin, I'm ready and willing to catch whatever life throws my way. It's catch and release. Accept the things I cannot change, rid myself of the things I don't need, move on, dream on, live on. I know I'm a good person and deserve good things. So I'm embracing the good in my life and distancing myself from that which is not. Here I come life, get ready for the aftershock! No funny ending here, just waiting for the quake...

Patience is a PAIN

In my very first post, I graced you with my joke about not being a doctor or having patients (patience)...I know, I know. Genius. But I really don't...in some aspects. I can be very patient in certain circumstances, but in others.....nooot so much.

A great man once said, "The waiting is the hardest part." Ain't that the truth! With a combination of my anxiety and lack of patience, I sometimes get very frustrated with a situation (as seen in my last post). This can eat away at me and derail my focus from what's important. Then I have a cigarette, forgetting my promise to myself to stop. Then I have a drink, to alleviate the pain of the knot in my stomach, and once again, forgo a goal. Gah! Enough!

I'm saying this right here and right now. I'm done with all of it. Well, the "stuff" I need to be done with. Tag 'Em and Bag 'Em!, as I've said before. But I mean it this time. My patience has run out, the tap is dry. So, I'm moving forward with a clearer view of the road ahead. Littered with shiny objects and temptations to turn, I'm keeping my head high and pushing through. Nothing is worth my time and efforts and impatience and frustrations when the road is a one-way street. I deserve more than that. I know this. The people who appreciate me know this. So it's time to hold true to that. From here on out, Shaneil is grabbing life by the balls with the grip of determination! Don't worry... I'll be gentle.

Clean House = Clean Mind

There's some old adage about a clean home equalling a clean mind...well, today I'm putting that to the test! My amazing roommate and I cleaned and disinfected the entire apartment all day. Man, what a feeling!!! An unclogged shower? Clear and clean counters in the kitchen? Clothes hung up with care? Check!

On top of that, my beloved taxes cleared sometime last night...thank you for something, government! Even though you just gave me some of my hard-earned money back...but whatever. I digress. The point is, I FINALLY got to buy things I've been needing in the back of my mind for so long! New work clothes, underwear (since my puppy loves to chew them to smitherines...), a new mouse/mousepad, food/water bowls and toys for my boys, groceries, etc. Oh, happy day!

It's time to get going on all of those goals I set recently. First up? Although not mentioned on the list of goals, I have been drinking far more than I'd like lately. So that's out. For the most part, anyways. Also, I have GOT to cut back on my smoking! I did really well for a couple of days...a couple of days...like two. So it's time to hit that hard and cut-it-out! (Lame Full House reference...don't judge me.) I also need to get going with my music, going out to open mics and whatnot. I already agreed to a show next week, just haven't heard back from the friend putting it together. If all goes well, my very first show will be THURSDAY!!! Details to follow, of course.

Having the place clean and organized, I already feel better! Life is slowly putting itself in order for me, and I appreciate that life! I feel some good things just around the riverbend...and I'm with paddle in hand and ready to fight the waves along the way! This week started off amazing...then quickly turned horrid. BUT, with my heart in my hand, I pushed through and am ending on a strong note! I feel really good today, and look forward to what lays ahead. No more messing around. No more just writing it. I have the tools in hand, and it's time to start hammering! Building the shelter I wish to live in. Myself. Only I control it, no one else. Life.....is officially my bitch.