Ramble On!

Okay. I know. I've been having a lot of these "not sure what the hell I'm talking about yet" posts lately, buuuut. Yeah. There again. Need to write, but what about?? I don't even know what color to pick yet! Okay, umm.....there. Yes, I looked back at my blog to make sure I haven't used this color too recently. Yes, I'm a little weird. Are you really just finding this out?

Anywho, life is good. Life is great. Blah, blah, blah. Hip-hip hooray. Whatever. I had a great day today, but something's still missing. Well, my roommate, for one! Where is she? But something not tangible is missing...something I can't see or touch. Something I need to feel. What the hell is it? Would probably help me title this puppy!

Sometimes you sit back and look at the world and allow a little bit too much bad into your head. I think I've done this today. Took much darkness was cast over my big, beautiful, blue sky. The world is a scary place, yes. It also holds a world of possibilities. I try not to get too involved with politics and whatnot. Some say it's wrong. Some don't blame me. In any case, I just can't handle too much bad. (It's all bullshit to me. Pardonez my French. But it is. I just can't confine myself to one side of things. I always have to look at both sides and try to see every angle. It's probably why it's so easy for me to talk to and meet people. When I go out, I'm social butterfly! Fluttering my yappy self all over the place! Then I learn to refrain, and listen. Promise. Just let me say this one mor-)

In my second to last post, I ended with a line about learning what to embrace, accept and filter. I embrace love. I embrace music... kindness... humor, etc. I accept my flaws and those in others. I filter the bullshit of life. Politics, stereotypes, hate, etc. There are so many different things thrown at us on a day-to-day basis, so I just organize them into little groups. What really matters? What's worth my time? What will never change? What do I have the power to control? I keep an organized mind. I have to! There's wayyyy too much goin' on up there! I'm trying to stay focused on the beauty of life and the richness I have savored through positive thinking and holding on to love and music. They are my driving forces through life. But sometimes, a conversation or a news story or a daily occurrence triggers my mental path for the day towards negative emotions. I had a fabulous time with a dear friend tonight, but part of our conversation was based around the bullshit of life, be it cover-ups, the government, today's music- whatever. Yes, I have my own opinions on these matters, but I rarely discuss them or bring them up because some people either can't handle those kinds of conversations, or know WAY more than I do and I end up sitting there saying..."Yeah. I see what you mean. Sure, yeah." No, I don't know a lot about politics. Sorry. No, I've never voted. Sue me. I know I should care more, but I don't.

The point is, my friend and I were discussing matters that lie deeper than that. And the thing is, a lot of what she said made sense. A lot of it I already knew. Some of it was too ridiculous to fathom. But, I am, have and always will be a firm believer in the possibility of anything. There is so much out there we don't understand- how could we possibly know for sure anything? So you usually hear me say, "Hey, it could happen" with a shrug. But tonight, it struck a chord within me. A really ugly chord. It got my mind racing and my imagination diving into places I don't want it to be. So even though I need to be up quite early tomorrow morning, I decided to sit here for an hour and write. So my sincerest apologies to anyone reading. This may not be what you expected. A little less witty, a little more loopy. A little all over the place. Like I said, my mind is racing. Racing towards the finish line. The final thought. The sigh of relief. The epiphany. A-ha! The feeling I'm missing... Comfort. I don't feel comfortable in this world tonight. It's just one of those nights. Those nights when you feel a little more alone. A little more helpless. A little more afraid. But I know I'm doing my part to try and make it better. It may not be much to most, but to those I touch, it is. The warmth I feel from people is no accident. I'm happy when everyone else is, remember? So I push forward to a new day. I remember my values and worth. I embrace the love of others. I embrace life. The bullshit of the world and the life we live is merely an anthill compared to the mountain of potential we hold within us. United we stand, divided we fall. So- bullshit! Take your best shot! People- get your noseplugs! The shit's about to hit the fan...

Tag 'Em and Bag 'Em!

Dear big ol' heart of mine, I think it's time you took a vacation. You want things you can't have/don't need right now, and it's really starting to piss me of-f-fah!

The heart wants what the heart wants...but what happens when it wants something you can't have? What if you meet the man of your dreams, but you're not the girl of his? Or vice versa? An aching heart is a heavy burden I do NOT enjoy bearing. It's pure insanity to me that so many people can think you're amazing and love you to death, but one person can ruin your entire perspective just by turning you down... The problem is, it's usually the one person you want. Lame.

I always feel bad about turning someone down, because I know how it feels on the other end. It's good for me, though- because it reminds me that that (<---how do you avoid that?) does not mean the person hates you, or anything ridiculously dramatic that my female mind tries to tell me, but that...he's just not that into you. I have felt this stab of defeat before, and it sucks, but it heals. I just hate seeing my friends go through it. Why do we let people make us feel this way? Why do we allow them to have this pull on our hearts? It's a waste of time, and for me, especially right now. It's ME time.

Living with Daniel L. was the smartest thing I ever did down here. Not having a relationship with my father, he became my LA father. A figure of authority and friendship that I cherish to this day. While staying there, I spent many a day and night on that rooftop...observing Mid-Wilshire in LA, seeing the H and O of the Hollywood sign and reminding myself why I'm here, playing guitar and writing, writing, writing. And thinking. A. LOT. I really "found myself" up there, as cliche as that is to say. But I did. Whenever I go visit him, I go up to that rooftop, light up a cigarette, and refresh my sense of being. It's soothing to my soul. It strengthens my sensitive, emotional misgivings... I will always think of that place every day of my life.

I bring that up because I think it's time for a visit to the ol' construction site. Due to recent events in my life, a few pieces of me are in need of repair, and I'm slowly mending the pieces back into their rightful positions. My focus is shifted, and I need to get back on track. Focus on the goals I set out in a previous post, cherish the amazing friends I've made over the last year, and live my life. Be me. Flourish. So I'm taking out the trash. Any and all bullshit that has no place on my mind- gone. Lay to rest the wastes of time, we're loading up the hearse and picking out our best in black. The show must go on, and these tickets were expensive!