Ahh... a little more pressure to brighten up my day! How delightful. Actually, it is quite delightful. I've heard some good news on my upcoming promotion, and already received a little "boost" to my pay... and I have my first "rehearsal/writing/practice" session thing on Friday with my pal, Nick Reiter. Mentioned before, this guy is quite the talented guitarist, and has so graciously agreed to play on my demo. So- myself, my acoustic guitar rhythms, and Nick's amazing leads will be what you hear. I'm really excited to get something recorded, and this is the first practice, so I'm anxious and nerrrrrrrrrrvous. Of course. Why wouldn't I be? For one, I'm always nervous performing, especially in front of one person. And especially in front of someone so passionate and knowledgeable on the subject. Yup. Steamroller of pressure. But I'm diving in head-first, reminding myself that if I push through, I'll eventually relax, get comfortable, and just do my thing. Hopefully. Shit.
I'm trying to get my priorities straight. Trying to focus (discussed). Under pressure (discussed). Cleaning house (discussed). Siiiigh. It's hard to think of new topics when everything surrounding me is the same shit. I need a change of pace. This demo is certainly one; something I've been talking about for 8 or 9 months, and fiiinally I'm doing it. Well, preparing to, which is the first step in the right direction. I'm working hard at my job, and moving along quickly. The house is in good order, a routine is set (for the most part- I do work in customer service with different hours all the time). My life is coming into focus. I've messed with that damn lens for a long time! But I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm racing towards it with all of my might. Well, most of it- I still have distractions and apprehensions and blah blah blah... but I'm making moves in the direction of good for my life, and that feels good. My heart... is healing. It takes time, but it's staying positive and hopeful for the future.
The clouds have gathered, the rain has poured. I've built myself an umbrella of hope, love and perseverance, and I'm walking through life day by day, step by step. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I greatly dislike repeating in my writing. But I do it. A lot. And then complain about it....... so I was saying?
It's interesting- I have these weird... "things" I do... to remind myself of how good I have it and keep my perspective straight. For instance, if you are a fellow Hulu subscriber, you are familiar with the option to say 'yes' or 'no' to ads you prefer and do not. I usually watch a good portion of the ad, and then decide whether I would want to watch it again or not. (Now, I started off just saying 'no' to everything in the hopes the ads would disappear. As luck would naturally have it, they do not disappear. Ever. So I'm rollin' with the punches...) Whenever an ad comes on regarding charity work or organizations to help the needy, I say 'yes'. They get to me. They make me feel. They make me ache. They remind me of how people really have it. I'm inspired to be better, I'm inspired to help, and I'm inspired to continue on with a positive outlook on life. And so I persist...
So what the hell is my point? When focused on what really matters, your eyes direct the movie you script yourself, and your happy ending comes to you. Life's not always perfect, but the ride- the journey- the adventure of life is the happy ending. Always striving towards what makes you truly happy. What makes your life better. What makes you a better person. Follow your heart, stay level-headed and true to yourself, and love. Love, love, love. And damn it, learn an instrument!
Showing posts with label focus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label focus. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Eye on the Prize
It's funny- in order for me to stay focused, I have to distract myself. That is to say, I have to keep my mind busy to keep myself busy. If something's on my mind or something's bothering me, I will sit there and dwell on it and overanalyze and sink into the abyss of worrying about things I need not worry about. And so I write and sing and play and get it all out. Then what? Well, then ladies and gentlemen, Shaneil is productive!
It's hard to get me going, but once I start cleaning up, I can't stop. I love it. Just need to find a way to spread it out and clean as I go more. Which I have been. So the place actually looks pretty great, thanks to the efforts of myself and my amazing roomie! Getting things organized and clean really does disinfect the mind. I've been more focused on things that matter to me- music, work, friends and family. So today, in order to not completely waste another day off, I got all of my laundry done- all of it. And there was a lot. I had to use all four machines both times, and I cram. I know you're not supposed to, but I do. Get over it. I also cleaned up my room, which has been a bit of a wreck lately. I made sure I ate meals at appropriate "breakfast", "lunch" and "dinner" hours. And I played. And I played well. Really well. I was so damn proud of myself, I played the whole demo again. It sounded great! My guitar needs a little tightening here and there, but it will be like that for a while. Still learning that. But the vocals were of high value to me, and that makes me very happy. It got me pumped for recording this demo I have been talking about (well, not on here yet) for eight months. Maybe more. It reignited that fire I felt the night of my first gig. I'd call that pretty damn focused. All I want to do is record this thing. I'm so flippin' excited to have something on an actual recording! The video on facebook/youtube was thrilling for me! A tiny little home video. Melted my heart. Lit up my soul. Rejuvenated the love and passion I have for music. I have to hold on to that, because it so easily slips away with the distractions of life. So I'm staying motivated. I'm staying driven. I'm staying focused.
When put to good use, my crazy-always-thinking-never-stopping brain can actually focus on something and make big steps towards the ultimate goal. I just have to keep writing. Keep playing. Keep myself happy- love, learn, live. Keep my head high and remember that I am worth much more than I give myself credit for. Most of us are. We try to find validation in everything but ourselves. Well, myself has been pep-talkin' the HELL out of...well, myself, and reminding...again, myself, what I am worth and what I deserve. I deserve to at least try something with my music. I deserve to move up in my job. I deserve to have the friends I have around me. And I deserve someone one day who truly appreciates me for me. Everything about me. The bad with the good. The ugly with the sexy. The weaknesses with the strengths. Just good ol'...me.
So, yeah- I'm makin' changes and I like it! Just to further what I said in the previous post. I feel good. I feel focused. Yes, my heart and mind are still a little scatter-brained, but I'm healing and learning and continuing to love. I'm anxious to get this recording done, and see what I can do with it. I'm not expecting much, but I'm excited to finally make small steps towards something I've thought about my entire life. One day at a time. One step at a time. Slowly but surely, this lady's going for something more! A chance at true happiness. In all aspects of my life. Starting with music. Works every time.
It's hard to get me going, but once I start cleaning up, I can't stop. I love it. Just need to find a way to spread it out and clean as I go more. Which I have been. So the place actually looks pretty great, thanks to the efforts of myself and my amazing roomie! Getting things organized and clean really does disinfect the mind. I've been more focused on things that matter to me- music, work, friends and family. So today, in order to not completely waste another day off, I got all of my laundry done- all of it. And there was a lot. I had to use all four machines both times, and I cram. I know you're not supposed to, but I do. Get over it. I also cleaned up my room, which has been a bit of a wreck lately. I made sure I ate meals at appropriate "breakfast", "lunch" and "dinner" hours. And I played. And I played well. Really well. I was so damn proud of myself, I played the whole demo again. It sounded great! My guitar needs a little tightening here and there, but it will be like that for a while. Still learning that. But the vocals were of high value to me, and that makes me very happy. It got me pumped for recording this demo I have been talking about (well, not on here yet) for eight months. Maybe more. It reignited that fire I felt the night of my first gig. I'd call that pretty damn focused. All I want to do is record this thing. I'm so flippin' excited to have something on an actual recording! The video on facebook/youtube was thrilling for me! A tiny little home video. Melted my heart. Lit up my soul. Rejuvenated the love and passion I have for music. I have to hold on to that, because it so easily slips away with the distractions of life. So I'm staying motivated. I'm staying driven. I'm staying focused.
When put to good use, my crazy-always-thinking-never-stopping brain can actually focus on something and make big steps towards the ultimate goal. I just have to keep writing. Keep playing. Keep myself happy- love, learn, live. Keep my head high and remember that I am worth much more than I give myself credit for. Most of us are. We try to find validation in everything but ourselves. Well, myself has been pep-talkin' the HELL out of...well, myself, and reminding...again, myself, what I am worth and what I deserve. I deserve to at least try something with my music. I deserve to move up in my job. I deserve to have the friends I have around me. And I deserve someone one day who truly appreciates me for me. Everything about me. The bad with the good. The ugly with the sexy. The weaknesses with the strengths. Just good ol'...me.
So, yeah- I'm makin' changes and I like it! Just to further what I said in the previous post. I feel good. I feel focused. Yes, my heart and mind are still a little scatter-brained, but I'm healing and learning and continuing to love. I'm anxious to get this recording done, and see what I can do with it. I'm not expecting much, but I'm excited to finally make small steps towards something I've thought about my entire life. One day at a time. One step at a time. Slowly but surely, this lady's going for something more! A chance at true happiness. In all aspects of my life. Starting with music. Works every time.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Tag 'Em and Bag 'Em!
Dear big ol' heart of mine, I think it's time you took a vacation. You want things you can't have/don't need right now, and it's really starting to piss me of-f-fah!
The heart wants what the heart wants...but what happens when it wants something you can't have? What if you meet the man of your dreams, but you're not the girl of his? Or vice versa? An aching heart is a heavy burden I do NOT enjoy bearing. It's pure insanity to me that so many people can think you're amazing and love you to death, but one person can ruin your entire perspective just by turning you down... The problem is, it's usually the one person you want. Lame.
I always feel bad about turning someone down, because I know how it feels on the other end. It's good for me, though- because it reminds me that that (<---how do you avoid that?) does not mean the person hates you, or anything ridiculously dramatic that my female mind tries to tell me, but that...he's just not that into you. I have felt this stab of defeat before, and it sucks, but it heals. I just hate seeing my friends go through it. Why do we let people make us feel this way? Why do we allow them to have this pull on our hearts? It's a waste of time, and for me, especially right now. It's ME time.
Living with Daniel L. was the smartest thing I ever did down here. Not having a relationship with my father, he became my LA father. A figure of authority and friendship that I cherish to this day. While staying there, I spent many a day and night on that rooftop...observing Mid-Wilshire in LA, seeing the H and O of the Hollywood sign and reminding myself why I'm here, playing guitar and writing, writing, writing. And thinking. A. LOT. I really "found myself" up there, as cliche as that is to say. But I did. Whenever I go visit him, I go up to that rooftop, light up a cigarette, and refresh my sense of being. It's soothing to my soul. It strengthens my sensitive, emotional misgivings... I will always think of that place every day of my life.
I bring that up because I think it's time for a visit to the ol' construction site. Due to recent events in my life, a few pieces of me are in need of repair, and I'm slowly mending the pieces back into their rightful positions. My focus is shifted, and I need to get back on track. Focus on the goals I set out in a previous post, cherish the amazing friends I've made over the last year, and live my life. Be me. Flourish. So I'm taking out the trash. Any and all bullshit that has no place on my mind- gone. Lay to rest the wastes of time, we're loading up the hearse and picking out our best in black. The show must go on, and these tickets were expensive!
The heart wants what the heart wants...but what happens when it wants something you can't have? What if you meet the man of your dreams, but you're not the girl of his? Or vice versa? An aching heart is a heavy burden I do NOT enjoy bearing. It's pure insanity to me that so many people can think you're amazing and love you to death, but one person can ruin your entire perspective just by turning you down... The problem is, it's usually the one person you want. Lame.
I always feel bad about turning someone down, because I know how it feels on the other end. It's good for me, though- because it reminds me that that (<---how do you avoid that?) does not mean the person hates you, or anything ridiculously dramatic that my female mind tries to tell me, but that...he's just not that into you. I have felt this stab of defeat before, and it sucks, but it heals. I just hate seeing my friends go through it. Why do we let people make us feel this way? Why do we allow them to have this pull on our hearts? It's a waste of time, and for me, especially right now. It's ME time.
Living with Daniel L. was the smartest thing I ever did down here. Not having a relationship with my father, he became my LA father. A figure of authority and friendship that I cherish to this day. While staying there, I spent many a day and night on that rooftop...observing Mid-Wilshire in LA, seeing the H and O of the Hollywood sign and reminding myself why I'm here, playing guitar and writing, writing, writing. And thinking. A. LOT. I really "found myself" up there, as cliche as that is to say. But I did. Whenever I go visit him, I go up to that rooftop, light up a cigarette, and refresh my sense of being. It's soothing to my soul. It strengthens my sensitive, emotional misgivings... I will always think of that place every day of my life.
I bring that up because I think it's time for a visit to the ol' construction site. Due to recent events in my life, a few pieces of me are in need of repair, and I'm slowly mending the pieces back into their rightful positions. My focus is shifted, and I need to get back on track. Focus on the goals I set out in a previous post, cherish the amazing friends I've made over the last year, and live my life. Be me. Flourish. So I'm taking out the trash. Any and all bullshit that has no place on my mind- gone. Lay to rest the wastes of time, we're loading up the hearse and picking out our best in black. The show must go on, and these tickets were expensive!
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