It's funny- in order for me to stay focused, I have to distract myself. That is to say, I have to keep my mind busy to keep myself busy. If something's on my mind or something's bothering me, I will sit there and dwell on it and overanalyze and sink into the abyss of worrying about things I need not worry about. And so I write and sing and play and get it all out. Then what? Well, then ladies and gentlemen, Shaneil is productive!
It's hard to get me going, but once I start cleaning up, I can't stop. I love it. Just need to find a way to spread it out and clean as I go more. Which I have been. So the place actually looks pretty great, thanks to the efforts of myself and my amazing roomie! Getting things organized and clean really does disinfect the mind. I've been more focused on things that matter to me- music, work, friends and family. So today, in order to not completely waste another day off, I got all of my laundry done- all of it. And there was a lot. I had to use all four machines both times, and I cram. I know you're not supposed to, but I do. Get over it. I also cleaned up my room, which has been a bit of a wreck lately. I made sure I ate meals at appropriate "breakfast", "lunch" and "dinner" hours. And I played. And I played well. Really well. I was so damn proud of myself, I played the whole demo again. It sounded great! My guitar needs a little tightening here and there, but it will be like that for a while. Still learning that. But the vocals were of high value to me, and that makes me very happy. It got me pumped for recording this demo I have been talking about (well, not on here yet) for eight months. Maybe more. It reignited that fire I felt the night of my first gig. I'd call that pretty damn focused. All I want to do is record this thing. I'm so flippin' excited to have something on an actual recording! The video on facebook/youtube was thrilling for me! A tiny little home video. Melted my heart. Lit up my soul. Rejuvenated the love and passion I have for music. I have to hold on to that, because it so easily slips away with the distractions of life. So I'm staying motivated. I'm staying driven. I'm staying focused.
When put to good use, my crazy-always-thinking-never-stopping brain can actually focus on something and make big steps towards the ultimate goal. I just have to keep writing. Keep playing. Keep myself happy- love, learn, live. Keep my head high and remember that I am worth much more than I give myself credit for. Most of us are. We try to find validation in everything but ourselves. Well, myself has been pep-talkin' the HELL out of...well, myself, and reminding...again, myself, what I am worth and what I deserve. I deserve to at least try something with my music. I deserve to move up in my job. I deserve to have the friends I have around me. And I deserve someone one day who truly appreciates me for me. Everything about me. The bad with the good. The ugly with the sexy. The weaknesses with the strengths. Just good ol'...me.
So, yeah- I'm makin' changes and I like it! Just to further what I said in the previous post. I feel good. I feel focused. Yes, my heart and mind are still a little scatter-brained, but I'm healing and learning and continuing to love. I'm anxious to get this recording done, and see what I can do with it. I'm not expecting much, but I'm excited to finally make small steps towards something I've thought about my entire life. One day at a time. One step at a time. Slowly but surely, this lady's going for something more! A chance at true happiness. In all aspects of my life. Starting with music. Works every time.
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Friday, May 13, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Burn, Baby, Burn!
I'm feeling the heat. It's swarming over me, taking over me! I'm engulfed in the beauty that is... drive.
I take pride in my good qualities. Drive has never been one of them. With my music, at least. I have sat on songs and melodies and ideas for SEVENTEEN YEARS. Not to mention all of the ideas with my newly incorporated talent, guitar, for about 2-3 years. Well, ladies and gentlemen- aaaaat laaaast! My looove has come along! I have found that passion and drive I have so desperately needed for so long! And all from one little gig... one little blip on the music spectrum... something so insignificant to most, but the world to me... my very first show last night. What an honor and blessing this show was! Brought upon me at the very last minute, it will impact the rest of my life. Isn't life grand like that? It's the little moments that make big memories.
With the enormous and positive response from so many people in my life, I have never felt so driven before. I was offered a lot of future opportunities for performances and gigs last night, and I was stoked to take each and every one of them! I can't even imagine turning down an opportunity to perform now... what. a. feeling. Someone criiiiied. Cried. Emotionally connected with my music and lyrics and cried. Amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing. She even asked my buddy to introduce herself to me! She was my first fan! Ahhh!!!
I feel like I should be thanking people for getting me here. But this is just the beginning. The fire is lit and my ass is burnin'! I already have a show June 4th (mark those calendars!), an open mic on Monday that I am NOT missing, a new potential venue for future projects, a friend who is going to get me a gig at a place I've seen friends perform previously... plus new friends, new fans, new musicians, and a new outlook. Siiiiiiiiigh. Life is good.
So. No more rubbing sticks together. The fire is ablaze. The mood is right. The time is now. I've waited my entire life to find the drive to pursue my biggest passion and love in life. Music. I don't even care about the money...I just want to perform. Money would be nice, but that can come later. For now, it's about strengthening my guitar skills, writing every day, and vocal resuscitation. I'm diving in that deep end we've spoken of... my feet are off the board, and I'm mid-air. I feel the wind blowing through my hair as I spread my arms... Look out, LA! Shaneil's got a little wind beneath these broken wings! And with these broken wings, I will still sing.
I take pride in my good qualities. Drive has never been one of them. With my music, at least. I have sat on songs and melodies and ideas for SEVENTEEN YEARS. Not to mention all of the ideas with my newly incorporated talent, guitar, for about 2-3 years. Well, ladies and gentlemen- aaaaat laaaast! My looove has come along! I have found that passion and drive I have so desperately needed for so long! And all from one little gig... one little blip on the music spectrum... something so insignificant to most, but the world to me... my very first show last night. What an honor and blessing this show was! Brought upon me at the very last minute, it will impact the rest of my life. Isn't life grand like that? It's the little moments that make big memories.
With the enormous and positive response from so many people in my life, I have never felt so driven before. I was offered a lot of future opportunities for performances and gigs last night, and I was stoked to take each and every one of them! I can't even imagine turning down an opportunity to perform now... what. a. feeling. Someone criiiiied. Cried. Emotionally connected with my music and lyrics and cried. Amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing. She even asked my buddy to introduce herself to me! She was my first fan! Ahhh!!!
I feel like I should be thanking people for getting me here. But this is just the beginning. The fire is lit and my ass is burnin'! I already have a show June 4th (mark those calendars!), an open mic on Monday that I am NOT missing, a new potential venue for future projects, a friend who is going to get me a gig at a place I've seen friends perform previously... plus new friends, new fans, new musicians, and a new outlook. Siiiiiiiiigh. Life is good.
So. No more rubbing sticks together. The fire is ablaze. The mood is right. The time is now. I've waited my entire life to find the drive to pursue my biggest passion and love in life. Music. I don't even care about the money...I just want to perform. Money would be nice, but that can come later. For now, it's about strengthening my guitar skills, writing every day, and vocal resuscitation. I'm diving in that deep end we've spoken of... my feet are off the board, and I'm mid-air. I feel the wind blowing through my hair as I spread my arms... Look out, LA! Shaneil's got a little wind beneath these broken wings! And with these broken wings, I will still sing.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
It's Alllll In The Hips...
Tomorrow is a BIG day for me! As you probably know, I am performing for the first time not only with an instrument, but my own original material! And I am freeeeeaking out. Just a bit. Okay, a LOT.
I am thrilled that it's happening, though. It's about damn time! After all of the lectures I've received from friends, the encouragement, the pushing, the annoyance in their voices as they tell me for the millionth time... I am FINALLY doing it. This is good for me. I know this. You know this. Buuuuut...I'm still scared, of course.
A friend of mine told me recently that even though he's performed about a thousand times on stage, he still gets nervous every time. Somewhat encouraging, somewhat not. It's comforting to know that someone like him understands, yet I'd like to know it gets easier. Well, I know it gets easier...but it'll never be easy. At least for me. My songs are so personal to me, they're like my children. Each one is carefully thought through and deeply emotional for me. It's why I write. Music is my outlet for all of the crap running through my head on a daily basis. So to share it with the world is a big jump for me. This is it. I'm doing it. No turning back. Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide!
I am incredibly honored to have been asked to do this show, so I want to give it my all. Guess that means I should go to sleep, right? My very good friend, Robert, is coming over in the morning so we can both practice our butts off and give our best tomorrow night. I can't believe it's finally happening...in less than 24 hours. Sounds like the start of a b-e-a-U-tiful friendship! Music, thank you. You have done more for me than anything else in the world. Tomorrow night, it's just me and you. No one else. This is what we've been waiting for. Let's show 'em what we've got... ain't no thang but a guitar strang! .....Yes, I just said that.
I am thrilled that it's happening, though. It's about damn time! After all of the lectures I've received from friends, the encouragement, the pushing, the annoyance in their voices as they tell me for the millionth time... I am FINALLY doing it. This is good for me. I know this. You know this. Buuuuut...I'm still scared, of course.
A friend of mine told me recently that even though he's performed about a thousand times on stage, he still gets nervous every time. Somewhat encouraging, somewhat not. It's comforting to know that someone like him understands, yet I'd like to know it gets easier. Well, I know it gets easier...but it'll never be easy. At least for me. My songs are so personal to me, they're like my children. Each one is carefully thought through and deeply emotional for me. It's why I write. Music is my outlet for all of the crap running through my head on a daily basis. So to share it with the world is a big jump for me. This is it. I'm doing it. No turning back. Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide!
I am incredibly honored to have been asked to do this show, so I want to give it my all. Guess that means I should go to sleep, right? My very good friend, Robert, is coming over in the morning so we can both practice our butts off and give our best tomorrow night. I can't believe it's finally happening...in less than 24 hours. Sounds like the start of a b-e-a-U-tiful friendship! Music, thank you. You have done more for me than anything else in the world. Tomorrow night, it's just me and you. No one else. This is what we've been waiting for. Let's show 'em what we've got... ain't no thang but a guitar strang! .....Yes, I just said that.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
But Even You Cannot Avoid.....PRESSURE!
Billy Joel reference there. Anybody get it? ...I miss Chris.
Well, golly gee willakers! Look at all this stuff I get to do! On the 'bright side of things', I have my first interview (known in Starbucks land as "interview prep"), on May 7th...yup! A week from Sunday! Oh, and my very first gig...this. THURSDAY. Holy moly! I have to have my 5 songs (luckily, picked out finally!) ready and comfortable in two days... on top of preparing the enormous amount of work it takes for these interviews! This is all excellent news, of course, but the fact of the matter is I'm a little stressed...and excited. Of course.
Cue pressure, enter stage left. This little bugger has crept up in my bliggity blog once again! Ya bastard. I'm extremely excited about this gig, and think that, in some way, the pressure is what's going to get me through this one. This a hump for me. Ohhhh boy, is it a hump! More like a fricken' mountain. I have never performed onstage with an instrument, FIRST off. Secondly, I have never performed my original material on stage. So, count 'em, TWO of my biggest fears and procrastinations of life...which makes it so bittersweet. I'm scared as hell, but I'm ready. Ready to at least put something out there, if not for the slim pickin's of the early crowd, for myself. Five songs that mean the world to me, even if not yet perfect in my mind. This is me, put out on a platter. A somewhat rusty, slightly dented platter- but out there. Holy crap. I'm scared.
With work, I'm really struggling with some, and really kicking ASS with the rest. I must say. I know I can handle this store, it's just taking some adjustments. I'm really tired lately, yet not sleeping well. I am happy to have been cutting back a little on smoking, because when I don't smoke cigarettes, I feel so much more energetic! I feel great! I admit it. It's just so difficult to get past the cravings...the anxiety. I'm tryin' folks, I really am. So it's up and down with that one the last couple of weeks. A lot of stress at work coupled with some stress in my relationships = smoking. Now, with this interview around the corner, the pressure's on! I have a decent stack of paperwork to work on, a resume/cover letter to polish, a coffee tasting with three different coffees that blows them away and relates to me as a leader, etc etc et cehskgh...yeah. All while working my butt off every day and taking my one day off this week to cram for a gig and then go perform. Yikes.
A lot to handle, but a lot of AMAZING. These are all things I need to accomplish, and have strived to accomplish for some time now. Especially the music side of it. I mean, I've only been writing songs for... SEVENTEEN YEARS... yeah. One year short of an adult life of procrastination. Kind of a big deal. I smell mahogany. Rich mahogany.
Well, golly gee willakers! Look at all this stuff I get to do! On the 'bright side of things', I have my first interview (known in Starbucks land as "interview prep"), on May 7th...yup! A week from Sunday! Oh, and my very first gig...this. THURSDAY. Holy moly! I have to have my 5 songs (luckily, picked out finally!) ready and comfortable in two days... on top of preparing the enormous amount of work it takes for these interviews! This is all excellent news, of course, but the fact of the matter is I'm a little stressed...and excited. Of course.
Cue pressure, enter stage left. This little bugger has crept up in my bliggity blog once again! Ya bastard. I'm extremely excited about this gig, and think that, in some way, the pressure is what's going to get me through this one. This a hump for me. Ohhhh boy, is it a hump! More like a fricken' mountain. I have never performed onstage with an instrument, FIRST off. Secondly, I have never performed my original material on stage. So, count 'em, TWO of my biggest fears and procrastinations of life...which makes it so bittersweet. I'm scared as hell, but I'm ready. Ready to at least put something out there, if not for the slim pickin's of the early crowd, for myself. Five songs that mean the world to me, even if not yet perfect in my mind. This is me, put out on a platter. A somewhat rusty, slightly dented platter- but out there. Holy crap. I'm scared.
With work, I'm really struggling with some, and really kicking ASS with the rest. I must say. I know I can handle this store, it's just taking some adjustments. I'm really tired lately, yet not sleeping well. I am happy to have been cutting back a little on smoking, because when I don't smoke cigarettes, I feel so much more energetic! I feel great! I admit it. It's just so difficult to get past the cravings...the anxiety. I'm tryin' folks, I really am. So it's up and down with that one the last couple of weeks. A lot of stress at work coupled with some stress in my relationships = smoking. Now, with this interview around the corner, the pressure's on! I have a decent stack of paperwork to work on, a resume/cover letter to polish, a coffee tasting with three different coffees that blows them away and relates to me as a leader, etc etc et cehskgh...yeah. All while working my butt off every day and taking my one day off this week to cram for a gig and then go perform. Yikes.
A lot to handle, but a lot of AMAZING. These are all things I need to accomplish, and have strived to accomplish for some time now. Especially the music side of it. I mean, I've only been writing songs for... SEVENTEEN YEARS... yeah. One year short of an adult life of procrastination. Kind of a big deal. I smell mahogany. Rich mahogany.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I Ain't Scared of No Ghost!
I touched on fear in Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles, but it was referenced more towards fearing people we don't understand. Today kids, let's talk about fear in general.
As I've said before, I worry too much. It's true. I have had to train myself to relax and let life happen. This is not easy for me, but I have made some incredible steps and now live a much more care-free lifestyle. I love my life where it's at right now. There's no pressure, just taking each day at a time and trying to live my life the best I can while treating everyone else how I want to be treated. Feels like I've heard that last part before...hmmm.
Fear is the only thing holding me back from getting exactly what I want out of life. I want to be a musician. I don't want fame...don't care for fortune....but if I could have a small group of fans who appreciate what I write about, come see me play and maybe buy some tunes, then I'd be a happy gal! Kinda' hard to do that if I never go out and perform...sooo...I'm trying to motivate myself to do just that. I have been working on some new material that I'm damn proud of, and even got offered a gig for next week (on top of an already existing 1st gig on June 4th!!! Want to come see me? I would!) I went to a couple of shows Sunday and Monday featuring my extremely talented friend, Nick Reiter (If you haven't seen this guy- you're missing out my friend!), and it always gets me thinking about performing. I miss it. It's so ridiculously hard for me to get up on a stage, but once I do, you have to drag my ass off! Not that you should. I'm kind of a big deal.
I know. I talk about music a lot. I'm kind of in love with it. A lot. Music has saved me from many crappy experiences throughout my life, and continues to do so. It loves you back unconditionally. It tears you down and builds you back up. It's the wind beneath my clipped wings. Now to find that bastard with the scissors!
Moving right along...I see fear hold people back from so much in life. Dreams. Goals. Change. Love. Ahhhh love. Another passion of mine. Why are so many people afraid of it? Because so many people suck at it. There's your flippin' nutshell! Yes, I am one of those "I'm not looking for anything right now" people, as stated before. Man, I'm unoriginal. BUT. If something amazing came along, would I turn it down? Hell-to-the-no. Life's too short for wastin' your love! (I totally just quoted my own song...don't judge me.) I love my life where it's at right now, wouldn't change...much, but love is so rare and so hard to find in its purest form. If that came knockin' at my door right now, I'd be a fool to turn it down. I do, however, understand the apprehensions people face when confronted by love. I feel them, too. I have been hurt in ways no person should endure, but it only strengthened my heart and taught me lessons in love that make me a better lover...and a better judge of character. It saddens me that this fear caused my last relationship to slowly fade. Love was never our problem. Embracing it was. I learned so much from our time together, and will forever be thankful that I learned it with my best friend. Let's just say, the next guy will have to be pretty amazing to win this heart over!
Another friend of mine, another Nick (I love me some Nicks!), posted on facebook today: "It's always saddening to see an amazingly talented person held back from true success by nothing more than their own fear of failure", to which a friend of his said, "How about a fear of success?" Wow. Nail. On. The. Head. I'm not tooting my own horn or anything, but a part of me is afraid to pursue music because of this exact statement. I would love love LOVE to be able to make money off of my music and maybe even just my music, but I do NOT want fame. No, thank you. I want to be able to walk down the street without 3 bodyguards judging everything and everyone around me. I don't think I could handle the pressure that comes with that kind of success. And I especially don't want to fall into the dark and dreary depths of the music business. I happen to like this pretty little head on my shoulders, and don't need it tampered with. And so, another reason I only play for my dogs...and a select few friends.
I could touch on a plethera of fears, but it's late and I have to be up in 5 hours. Don't think I don't see you falling asleep as I ramble on either! People say the best way to conquer your fears is to face your fears. So, fear- *ahem*- bring it on. It's time we settled our differences and moved on. I don't like you, you don't like me. Personally, I think you're an idiot, and word on the street is you think I'm a wuss. Well guess what??? I am. Get over yourself. I hear your biggest fear is you- so who's got the issues now? Ass.
As I've said before, I worry too much. It's true. I have had to train myself to relax and let life happen. This is not easy for me, but I have made some incredible steps and now live a much more care-free lifestyle. I love my life where it's at right now. There's no pressure, just taking each day at a time and trying to live my life the best I can while treating everyone else how I want to be treated. Feels like I've heard that last part before...hmmm.
Fear is the only thing holding me back from getting exactly what I want out of life. I want to be a musician. I don't want fame...don't care for fortune....but if I could have a small group of fans who appreciate what I write about, come see me play and maybe buy some tunes, then I'd be a happy gal! Kinda' hard to do that if I never go out and perform...sooo...I'm trying to motivate myself to do just that. I have been working on some new material that I'm damn proud of, and even got offered a gig for next week (on top of an already existing 1st gig on June 4th!!! Want to come see me? I would!) I went to a couple of shows Sunday and Monday featuring my extremely talented friend, Nick Reiter (If you haven't seen this guy- you're missing out my friend!), and it always gets me thinking about performing. I miss it. It's so ridiculously hard for me to get up on a stage, but once I do, you have to drag my ass off! Not that you should. I'm kind of a big deal.
I know. I talk about music a lot. I'm kind of in love with it. A lot. Music has saved me from many crappy experiences throughout my life, and continues to do so. It loves you back unconditionally. It tears you down and builds you back up. It's the wind beneath my clipped wings. Now to find that bastard with the scissors!
Moving right along...I see fear hold people back from so much in life. Dreams. Goals. Change. Love. Ahhhh love. Another passion of mine. Why are so many people afraid of it? Because so many people suck at it. There's your flippin' nutshell! Yes, I am one of those "I'm not looking for anything right now" people, as stated before. Man, I'm unoriginal. BUT. If something amazing came along, would I turn it down? Hell-to-the-no. Life's too short for wastin' your love! (I totally just quoted my own song...don't judge me.) I love my life where it's at right now, wouldn't change...much, but love is so rare and so hard to find in its purest form. If that came knockin' at my door right now, I'd be a fool to turn it down. I do, however, understand the apprehensions people face when confronted by love. I feel them, too. I have been hurt in ways no person should endure, but it only strengthened my heart and taught me lessons in love that make me a better lover...and a better judge of character. It saddens me that this fear caused my last relationship to slowly fade. Love was never our problem. Embracing it was. I learned so much from our time together, and will forever be thankful that I learned it with my best friend. Let's just say, the next guy will have to be pretty amazing to win this heart over!
Another friend of mine, another Nick (I love me some Nicks!), posted on facebook today: "It's always saddening to see an amazingly talented person held back from true success by nothing more than their own fear of failure", to which a friend of his said, "How about a fear of success?" Wow. Nail. On. The. Head. I'm not tooting my own horn or anything, but a part of me is afraid to pursue music because of this exact statement. I would love love LOVE to be able to make money off of my music and maybe even just my music, but I do NOT want fame. No, thank you. I want to be able to walk down the street without 3 bodyguards judging everything and everyone around me. I don't think I could handle the pressure that comes with that kind of success. And I especially don't want to fall into the dark and dreary depths of the music business. I happen to like this pretty little head on my shoulders, and don't need it tampered with. And so, another reason I only play for my dogs...and a select few friends.
I could touch on a plethera of fears, but it's late and I have to be up in 5 hours. Don't think I don't see you falling asleep as I ramble on either! People say the best way to conquer your fears is to face your fears. So, fear- *ahem*- bring it on. It's time we settled our differences and moved on. I don't like you, you don't like me. Personally, I think you're an idiot, and word on the street is you think I'm a wuss. Well guess what??? I am. Get over yourself. I hear your biggest fear is you- so who's got the issues now? Ass.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
GOALS! ...Yeah, All I Really Want is GOALS!
Okay, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself- it's time to move on and move forward and move up and... just move. My ass. NOW.
I have already broached the subject of smoking...which, ugghhhh, here's the update since yesterday: I bought another pack. Fuckin' sue me. I smoked almost half of it last night, too! What of it? I'm weak...I was trying to get it out of my system so I could wake up this morning and gag at the thought of a cigarette. Well, it worked! I didn't take the pack with me, and didn't smoke ALL DAY at work! And now......I've smoked two since I got home. I'm sorry! I'm not ready to quit cold turkey- BUT- I am cutting down big time. I'm no longer taking cigarettes to work, and I'm gonna try to only have 1-2 a day, at most. So that's something. I'll include an update on this one at the bottom of every post. That way, I have motivation to not smoke and have everyone (or the two of you) be proud of me :)
Next on the list... HEALTH. I need to get myself in shape and healthy. I have already taken steps towards this, which I am extremely proud of! I can't believe I'm about to admit this...buuuut my heaviest was 180...okay 185. Now, I'm around 125- yesss!!! That took eating smaller portions and walking as much as possible. Now, I'm working on eating healthier. I've been eating a banana or oatmeal at work, along with orange juice. So yay for vitamins! But with my recent break-up and loneliness and mild depression, I haven't been eating much lately...so I need to get myself on a steady schedule of at least three meals a day, somewhat healthy meals. And I want to join a gym, just need a gym buddy! Gyms make me nervous; don't know why, but need someone there with me so I can relax and exercise my hot body into an even hotter one!
Vehicle: With my roomie gone this week, I have had her car at my disposal and have been LOVING it! I want a car again...nothing fancy, just a point A to point B kind of car. Something to get me out of this effing apartment and out into the world as often as possible. I hate...greatly dislike...being cooped up in my apartment. I need air. I need to see other buildings. It doesn't mean I don't love you, apartment. Time apart is healthy. Promise.
Rolling with that goal...FINANCES...dun Dun DUN!!! Ohhh boy, this is a big one! I have so many things I need to take care of financially, and I really want to start working on paying it all off and possibly creating a decent credit score. I have many debts, and many things in queue that require a somewhat large chunk of change. I need to get my teeth fixed, my dogs to the vet, a car (see previous goal), among other things I can't think of right now...so it's time to start a budget! Budget, pay bills on time, sign up for payment plans with bill collectors, start taking care of my teeth a little at a time, etc...can't wait for that promotion!
Alrighty, here's the biggie! Muuuuusic... I have GOT to get over this insane fear I have of pursuing my music...it goes wayyyy deeper than you could imagine. I can barely play for my damn friends! People who have heard me a hundred times, I still get ridiculously nervous and start diminishing whatever I'm about to play/sing. It's not an attractive quality. It's plain annoying. And the weirdest part? I really love my songs! I'm proud of them, and think I have something here...but shit, what if no one agrees? What if I look stupid? What if people say, "what was she thinking??" ????......WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE?! Right?!
SO, I have analyzed and picked apart this fear of mine...and I know a couple of things I need to do. I need lessons. I need a vocal coach, and I need private guitar lessons. It seems like the only way I can stay focused and learn consistently. The nice thing is, I'm a quick learner. So the lessons will be even more beneficial for me than the average Joe...sephine? Either way, I need to get down to business! It's business time!!! (Name THAT reference!!) The vocal coach can wait until I'm a little more financially stable...I have ways of working on that on my own. But I definitely want a guitar teacher...and if someone would take me, I've already found my teacher! Too bad he won't read this. I'll have to stalk him later. Sorry, stake him. Okay, inside joke. Sorry.
I also need to start going to open mics. One step towards this goal: I have scoured the internet for any and all open mics that appeal to me, and have their locations and schedules saved. So, one step towards this goal? CHECK! Now to show up...who's with me???
I think that's a good starting point. I have a list of very important priorities here, and the best part?? They all link up towards my ultimate goal: A better me. I need to be happy with me, just me. I need to stop thinking about love, and when I'll find it again. I'm a good person, I have great qualities, and I love unconditionally. Love should be lining up at my doorstep! But it's not...and I have to relax and accept that...and then love will find me. And we'll live happily ever after...and our love children will frolic in the gardens of the happiness we've built on our candy-coated mountain of puppy dog tails and rain-fuckin-bows... Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth,too.
I have already broached the subject of smoking...which, ugghhhh, here's the update since yesterday: I bought another pack. Fuckin' sue me. I smoked almost half of it last night, too! What of it? I'm weak...I was trying to get it out of my system so I could wake up this morning and gag at the thought of a cigarette. Well, it worked! I didn't take the pack with me, and didn't smoke ALL DAY at work! And now......I've smoked two since I got home. I'm sorry! I'm not ready to quit cold turkey- BUT- I am cutting down big time. I'm no longer taking cigarettes to work, and I'm gonna try to only have 1-2 a day, at most. So that's something. I'll include an update on this one at the bottom of every post. That way, I have motivation to not smoke and have everyone (or the two of you) be proud of me :)
Next on the list... HEALTH. I need to get myself in shape and healthy. I have already taken steps towards this, which I am extremely proud of! I can't believe I'm about to admit this...buuuut my heaviest was 180...okay 185. Now, I'm around 125- yesss!!! That took eating smaller portions and walking as much as possible. Now, I'm working on eating healthier. I've been eating a banana or oatmeal at work, along with orange juice. So yay for vitamins! But with my recent break-up and loneliness and mild depression, I haven't been eating much lately...so I need to get myself on a steady schedule of at least three meals a day, somewhat healthy meals. And I want to join a gym, just need a gym buddy! Gyms make me nervous; don't know why, but need someone there with me so I can relax and exercise my hot body into an even hotter one!
Vehicle: With my roomie gone this week, I have had her car at my disposal and have been LOVING it! I want a car again...nothing fancy, just a point A to point B kind of car. Something to get me out of this effing apartment and out into the world as often as possible. I hate...greatly dislike...being cooped up in my apartment. I need air. I need to see other buildings. It doesn't mean I don't love you, apartment. Time apart is healthy. Promise.
Rolling with that goal...FINANCES...dun Dun DUN!!! Ohhh boy, this is a big one! I have so many things I need to take care of financially, and I really want to start working on paying it all off and possibly creating a decent credit score. I have many debts, and many things in queue that require a somewhat large chunk of change. I need to get my teeth fixed, my dogs to the vet, a car (see previous goal), among other things I can't think of right now...so it's time to start a budget! Budget, pay bills on time, sign up for payment plans with bill collectors, start taking care of my teeth a little at a time, etc...can't wait for that promotion!
Alrighty, here's the biggie! Muuuuusic... I have GOT to get over this insane fear I have of pursuing my music...it goes wayyyy deeper than you could imagine. I can barely play for my damn friends! People who have heard me a hundred times, I still get ridiculously nervous and start diminishing whatever I'm about to play/sing. It's not an attractive quality. It's plain annoying. And the weirdest part? I really love my songs! I'm proud of them, and think I have something here...but shit, what if no one agrees? What if I look stupid? What if people say, "what was she thinking??" ????......WHY THE HELL SHOULD I CARE?! Right?!
SO, I have analyzed and picked apart this fear of mine...and I know a couple of things I need to do. I need lessons. I need a vocal coach, and I need private guitar lessons. It seems like the only way I can stay focused and learn consistently. The nice thing is, I'm a quick learner. So the lessons will be even more beneficial for me than the average Joe...sephine? Either way, I need to get down to business! It's business time!!! (Name THAT reference!!) The vocal coach can wait until I'm a little more financially stable...I have ways of working on that on my own. But I definitely want a guitar teacher...and if someone would take me, I've already found my teacher! Too bad he won't read this. I'll have to stalk him later. Sorry, stake him. Okay, inside joke. Sorry.
I also need to start going to open mics. One step towards this goal: I have scoured the internet for any and all open mics that appeal to me, and have their locations and schedules saved. So, one step towards this goal? CHECK! Now to show up...who's with me???
I think that's a good starting point. I have a list of very important priorities here, and the best part?? They all link up towards my ultimate goal: A better me. I need to be happy with me, just me. I need to stop thinking about love, and when I'll find it again. I'm a good person, I have great qualities, and I love unconditionally. Love should be lining up at my doorstep! But it's not...and I have to relax and accept that...and then love will find me. And we'll live happily ever after...and our love children will frolic in the gardens of the happiness we've built on our candy-coated mountain of puppy dog tails and rain-fuckin-bows... Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth,too.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A New Dawn, A New Day and A New Life...
So, I found my old blog (with a whopping 2 posts) from a couple of years ago thanks to a friend of mine starting one...and I realized, I really need to start writing again- as in, just writing. Not songs or poetry or whatnot...but just writing. There is so much going on inside of me right now and I need to release it or I'm going to explode, and this seems healthy enough- so here we go!
Disclaimer: I don't really care if anyone reads any of this. Honestly, it's more for me. But if you stumble across my ramblings and decide to comment, feel free. It's always nice to know someone understands or relates to the craziness ensuing within me.
To Catch You Up: I recently got out of a five-year relationship with my best friend. The hardest thing I ever did was leave him, and it immediately made me feel invincible...not anything against him, believe me, just that if I could do THAT, I could do, well- ANYthing! It made the whole transition a lot easier for me than I expected. I suddenly had a new outlook on life, like I was finally in control. I am already very honest, and soon became brave...r. ish. Okay, I'm still a big wuss, but some parts of my life began to just make sense. I started to realize what I really want from someone as a counterpart to my heart and soul. Now, this is very important to me, because I normally have no idea and do my best to find the right pieces to the puzzle of what makes me "me". Because of this, a lot of friendships have failed for me. (Side note, I now have the most amazing friends- finally). But for love...ah, love. I love love. Let me tell you something, if I could always be in love, I would. It is the greatest feeling in the world to have someone appreciate and not just like, but LOVE you for you...I would never turn it down. I'm "not looking for anything right now", which is translation for: "I'm not looking for anyone but exactly what I have in my mind right now, right now." I think we say this because we're afraid...of what differs from person to person. I'm afraid of rejection- every form, everything about it. It's why I don't push my music, it's why I get pushed over, it's why I struggle with love...BUT- suddenly, I knew what I wanted...so back to the point-
Uno) I now know what I want- nay, what I need from someone to love me. I need communication, open and honest communication. Why is this so hard? Because most people can't handle it...so those who wish they could DON'T because they're afraid of the other's reaction. Well, news flash- WE'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT. I hate games and bullshit, lay it down and lay it thick. It may hurt right then, but you'll be doing me a favor. See, I tend to let my imagination run away with me, so if you don't tell me how it is, I will imagine it how I want it. And then I get hurt anyways, even though you never "did anything". Welcome to the world of women.
Deux) I need someone who understands my love and passion for music...someone who can be nerdy and get excited about the little bendy thing in the song on the radio, someone who can appreciate shitty music because it contains the most beautiful lyrics we've heard all year, someone who can sit and play all day and never get bored with it. I'm no amazing musician or anything, but my love for it runs deeper than almost anything else in my life. If we don't have that connection, to hell with it!
C) I need someone who will push me to do all the things I want, need and am capable of doing...and understand that I'm going to push back. I can't help it. I'm so damn scared of rejection, I will procrastinate until the cows come home if it means I don't have to face it. But I want to....oh, how I want to face it so bad because I KNOW it'll be okay in the end, I do. I just need to be kicked off the diving board, into the deep end of that fear. Every time I do, I never look back- so at least there's something to look forward to on the other end :)
4) I need someone to be okay with how much "me" time I need. I may not always admit it, but I know I need it. For example, I go on "me dates". I find my favorite sushi restaurant, sit outside so I can smoke (I know, I know), order sake, beer and all my favorite raw fishies. Then I people watch- it always inspires me, never fails. Probably one of my favorite pastimes. I love observing people; how they interact, their body language, their clothes- all of it. I love to imagine up stories for them- like where they're going, where they're coming from, who they're thinking of, who they are...I can get stuck on the thought that there are so many different personality types and storylines all around me for hours...it fascinates me. It helps me write, which brings us back to music- and you know how I feel about that.
Second place for most important, I need someone to be silly with. I am a nerd, a big one...I'm not always funny, but usually think I am. And when I realize I just said something "not" funny, I think that's funny and laugh more...laughter is the best medicine, and I'm an addict to things that make me feel good. I love stupid comedy, dry comedy, dark comedy- comedy is what keeps me sane. Any form of it. You can't take life too seriously with me, but you still need to be serious when necessary. This was a problem in my last relationship- noooooo bueno. There's a common balance, so grab a stick and walk that line with me!
So, most importantly on this long ramble of things I need- (apologies to anyone actually reading this)- someone who can actually love me for...you guessed it- ME!! I have worked very hard, and still am, on recognizing and accepting my flaws. We all have them, we all deny them, but they make us who we are. Well, I like me. I really do. So to appreciate me all the more, I've been personally picking out my flaws, adjusting where I see fit, and accepting what will always be. I will always be stubborn. I will always be controlling and a perfectionist. I will always be just a tiny bit jealous. I will always be emotional. I will always care too much, and worry too much. I obsess. I cry. I'm a wuss. Blah blah blah...I accept these things because I can recognize when I do them, usually point it out before you do, and attempt to lessen the effects. But they're not going away, and you need to accept that. As with everything written prior, I will do the same for you. That's why I can accept my flaws, because I feel the good outweighs the bad- no, I know it does. I love and care for people more than I probably should. Or more than people say I should. I think love is the greatest gift, and not enough people get it, although everyone deserves it.
All you need is love...I guess that's the theme of this first post. Sorry it turned into a lot more than an introduction, per se...guess it just goes to show I have a lot to get off of my chest. Love is always on my mind, so my recent revelations just poured out of me. On a funny note, I didn't mention looks up there because they don't particularly matter to me...but I can't stand guys who are too into themselves or their looks. I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and she said: "You're so not picky, you are picky!" That's fine. Picky is what I deserve to be. Damn it. That's what everyone keeps telling me, and yet I'm alone. Well, it's only been 3 months, but I'm not a doctor and I don't have patience! ..........yes, I'm laughing out loud.
Disclaimer: I don't really care if anyone reads any of this. Honestly, it's more for me. But if you stumble across my ramblings and decide to comment, feel free. It's always nice to know someone understands or relates to the craziness ensuing within me.
To Catch You Up: I recently got out of a five-year relationship with my best friend. The hardest thing I ever did was leave him, and it immediately made me feel invincible...not anything against him, believe me, just that if I could do THAT, I could do, well- ANYthing! It made the whole transition a lot easier for me than I expected. I suddenly had a new outlook on life, like I was finally in control. I am already very honest, and soon became brave...r. ish. Okay, I'm still a big wuss, but some parts of my life began to just make sense. I started to realize what I really want from someone as a counterpart to my heart and soul. Now, this is very important to me, because I normally have no idea and do my best to find the right pieces to the puzzle of what makes me "me". Because of this, a lot of friendships have failed for me. (Side note, I now have the most amazing friends- finally). But for love...ah, love. I love love. Let me tell you something, if I could always be in love, I would. It is the greatest feeling in the world to have someone appreciate and not just like, but LOVE you for you...I would never turn it down. I'm "not looking for anything right now", which is translation for: "I'm not looking for anyone but exactly what I have in my mind right now, right now." I think we say this because we're afraid...of what differs from person to person. I'm afraid of rejection- every form, everything about it. It's why I don't push my music, it's why I get pushed over, it's why I struggle with love...BUT- suddenly, I knew what I wanted...so back to the point-
Uno) I now know what I want- nay, what I need from someone to love me. I need communication, open and honest communication. Why is this so hard? Because most people can't handle it...so those who wish they could DON'T because they're afraid of the other's reaction. Well, news flash- WE'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT. I hate games and bullshit, lay it down and lay it thick. It may hurt right then, but you'll be doing me a favor. See, I tend to let my imagination run away with me, so if you don't tell me how it is, I will imagine it how I want it. And then I get hurt anyways, even though you never "did anything". Welcome to the world of women.
Deux) I need someone who understands my love and passion for music...someone who can be nerdy and get excited about the little bendy thing in the song on the radio, someone who can appreciate shitty music because it contains the most beautiful lyrics we've heard all year, someone who can sit and play all day and never get bored with it. I'm no amazing musician or anything, but my love for it runs deeper than almost anything else in my life. If we don't have that connection, to hell with it!
C) I need someone who will push me to do all the things I want, need and am capable of doing...and understand that I'm going to push back. I can't help it. I'm so damn scared of rejection, I will procrastinate until the cows come home if it means I don't have to face it. But I want to....oh, how I want to face it so bad because I KNOW it'll be okay in the end, I do. I just need to be kicked off the diving board, into the deep end of that fear. Every time I do, I never look back- so at least there's something to look forward to on the other end :)
4) I need someone to be okay with how much "me" time I need. I may not always admit it, but I know I need it. For example, I go on "me dates". I find my favorite sushi restaurant, sit outside so I can smoke (I know, I know), order sake, beer and all my favorite raw fishies. Then I people watch- it always inspires me, never fails. Probably one of my favorite pastimes. I love observing people; how they interact, their body language, their clothes- all of it. I love to imagine up stories for them- like where they're going, where they're coming from, who they're thinking of, who they are...I can get stuck on the thought that there are so many different personality types and storylines all around me for hours...it fascinates me. It helps me write, which brings us back to music- and you know how I feel about that.
Second place for most important, I need someone to be silly with. I am a nerd, a big one...I'm not always funny, but usually think I am. And when I realize I just said something "not" funny, I think that's funny and laugh more...laughter is the best medicine, and I'm an addict to things that make me feel good. I love stupid comedy, dry comedy, dark comedy- comedy is what keeps me sane. Any form of it. You can't take life too seriously with me, but you still need to be serious when necessary. This was a problem in my last relationship- noooooo bueno. There's a common balance, so grab a stick and walk that line with me!
So, most importantly on this long ramble of things I need- (apologies to anyone actually reading this)- someone who can actually love me for...you guessed it- ME!! I have worked very hard, and still am, on recognizing and accepting my flaws. We all have them, we all deny them, but they make us who we are. Well, I like me. I really do. So to appreciate me all the more, I've been personally picking out my flaws, adjusting where I see fit, and accepting what will always be. I will always be stubborn. I will always be controlling and a perfectionist. I will always be just a tiny bit jealous. I will always be emotional. I will always care too much, and worry too much. I obsess. I cry. I'm a wuss. Blah blah blah...I accept these things because I can recognize when I do them, usually point it out before you do, and attempt to lessen the effects. But they're not going away, and you need to accept that. As with everything written prior, I will do the same for you. That's why I can accept my flaws, because I feel the good outweighs the bad- no, I know it does. I love and care for people more than I probably should. Or more than people say I should. I think love is the greatest gift, and not enough people get it, although everyone deserves it.
All you need is love...I guess that's the theme of this first post. Sorry it turned into a lot more than an introduction, per se...guess it just goes to show I have a lot to get off of my chest. Love is always on my mind, so my recent revelations just poured out of me. On a funny note, I didn't mention looks up there because they don't particularly matter to me...but I can't stand guys who are too into themselves or their looks. I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and she said: "You're so not picky, you are picky!" That's fine. Picky is what I deserve to be. Damn it. That's what everyone keeps telling me, and yet I'm alone. Well, it's only been 3 months, but I'm not a doctor and I don't have patience! ..........yes, I'm laughing out loud.
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