So, I found my old blog (with a whopping 2 posts) from a couple of years ago thanks to a friend of mine starting one...and I realized, I really need to start writing again- as in, just writing. Not songs or poetry or whatnot...but just writing. There is so much going on inside of me right now and I need to release it or I'm going to explode, and this seems healthy enough- so here we go!
Disclaimer: I don't really care if anyone reads any of this. Honestly, it's more for me. But if you stumble across my ramblings and decide to comment, feel free. It's always nice to know someone understands or relates to the craziness ensuing within me.
To Catch You Up: I recently got out of a five-year relationship with my best friend. The hardest thing I ever did was leave him, and it immediately made me feel invincible...not anything against him, believe me, just that if I could do THAT, I could do, well- ANYthing! It made the whole transition a lot easier for me than I expected. I suddenly had a new outlook on life, like I was finally in control. I am already very honest, and soon became brave...r. ish. Okay, I'm still a big wuss, but some parts of my life began to just make sense. I started to realize what I really want from someone as a counterpart to my heart and soul. Now, this is very important to me, because I normally have no idea and do my best to find the right pieces to the puzzle of what makes me "me". Because of this, a lot of friendships have failed for me. (Side note, I now have the most amazing friends- finally). But for love...ah, love. I love love. Let me tell you something, if I could always be in love, I would. It is the greatest feeling in the world to have someone appreciate and not just like, but LOVE you for you...I would never turn it down. I'm "not looking for anything right now", which is translation for: "I'm not looking for anyone but exactly what I have in my mind right now, right now." I think we say this because we're afraid...of what differs from person to person. I'm afraid of rejection- every form, everything about it. It's why I don't push my music, it's why I get pushed over, it's why I struggle with love...BUT- suddenly, I knew what I wanted...so back to the point-
Uno) I now know what I want- nay, what I need from someone to love me. I need communication, open and honest communication. Why is this so hard? Because most people can't handle it...so those who wish they could DON'T because they're afraid of the other's reaction. Well, news flash- WE'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT. I hate games and bullshit, lay it down and lay it thick. It may hurt right then, but you'll be doing me a favor. See, I tend to let my imagination run away with me, so if you don't tell me how it is, I will imagine it how I want it. And then I get hurt anyways, even though you never "did anything". Welcome to the world of women.
Deux) I need someone who understands my love and passion for music...someone who can be nerdy and get excited about the little bendy thing in the song on the radio, someone who can appreciate shitty music because it contains the most beautiful lyrics we've heard all year, someone who can sit and play all day and never get bored with it. I'm no amazing musician or anything, but my love for it runs deeper than almost anything else in my life. If we don't have that connection, to hell with it!
C) I need someone who will push me to do all the things I want, need and am capable of doing...and understand that I'm going to push back. I can't help it. I'm so damn scared of rejection, I will procrastinate until the cows come home if it means I don't have to face it. But I want to....oh, how I want to face it so bad because I KNOW it'll be okay in the end, I do. I just need to be kicked off the diving board, into the deep end of that fear. Every time I do, I never look back- so at least there's something to look forward to on the other end :)
4) I need someone to be okay with how much "me" time I need. I may not always admit it, but I know I need it. For example, I go on "me dates". I find my favorite sushi restaurant, sit outside so I can smoke (I know, I know), order sake, beer and all my favorite raw fishies. Then I people watch- it always inspires me, never fails. Probably one of my favorite pastimes. I love observing people; how they interact, their body language, their clothes- all of it. I love to imagine up stories for them- like where they're going, where they're coming from, who they're thinking of, who they are...I can get stuck on the thought that there are so many different personality types and storylines all around me for hours...it fascinates me. It helps me write, which brings us back to music- and you know how I feel about that.
Second place for most important, I need someone to be silly with. I am a nerd, a big one...I'm not always funny, but usually think I am. And when I realize I just said something "not" funny, I think that's funny and laugh more...laughter is the best medicine, and I'm an addict to things that make me feel good. I love stupid comedy, dry comedy, dark comedy- comedy is what keeps me sane. Any form of it. You can't take life too seriously with me, but you still need to be serious when necessary. This was a problem in my last relationship- noooooo bueno. There's a common balance, so grab a stick and walk that line with me!
So, most importantly on this long ramble of things I need- (apologies to anyone actually reading this)- someone who can actually love me for...you guessed it- ME!! I have worked very hard, and still am, on recognizing and accepting my flaws. We all have them, we all deny them, but they make us who we are. Well, I like me. I really do. So to appreciate me all the more, I've been personally picking out my flaws, adjusting where I see fit, and accepting what will always be. I will always be stubborn. I will always be controlling and a perfectionist. I will always be just a tiny bit jealous. I will always be emotional. I will always care too much, and worry too much. I obsess. I cry. I'm a wuss. Blah blah blah...I accept these things because I can recognize when I do them, usually point it out before you do, and attempt to lessen the effects. But they're not going away, and you need to accept that. As with everything written prior, I will do the same for you. That's why I can accept my flaws, because I feel the good outweighs the bad- no, I know it does. I love and care for people more than I probably should. Or more than people say I should. I think love is the greatest gift, and not enough people get it, although everyone deserves it.
All you need is love...I guess that's the theme of this first post. Sorry it turned into a lot more than an introduction, per se...guess it just goes to show I have a lot to get off of my chest. Love is always on my mind, so my recent revelations just poured out of me. On a funny note, I didn't mention looks up there because they don't particularly matter to me...but I can't stand guys who are too into themselves or their looks. I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and she said: "You're so not picky, you are picky!" That's fine. Picky is what I deserve to be. Damn it. That's what everyone keeps telling me, and yet I'm alone. Well, it's only been 3 months, but I'm not a doctor and I don't have patience! ..........yes, I'm laughing out loud.
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