You're laying on the beach, the rays of the sun warming the cold bitterness of life. A cool breeze caresses your face, while your hair dances melodically to the rhythm of the wind. You open your eyes...the view of the endless sea calms you. Are you relaxed? I sure am.
Among a plethera of problems, I have high anxiety. It causes me to miss out on what some call "fun" activities, such as rollercoasters and bungee jumping. If you follow my blog, you know my feelings on these... adventures. My adventures involve staying on the ground level. It's probably why I have such a vivid imagination...I have to pretend I'm risking my life without actually doing it. And I'm totally okay with that.
Anxiety. Bleck. No fun. I have only ever had one anxiety attack, and it was n-o fun. One of the things I took from my relationship with Chris was learning how to relax. I'm very thankful to him for this. I still worry too much, but imagine how I used to be! Yikes.
Life sucks. Everyone knows it, but everyone continues to dwell on it. Myself included. I'm not perfect by any means. But I feel like I've acquired a better grip on letting things go when I really just need to...let things go. I can't do it with everything (oh-ho yes, we will get into that in a bit), but I try. Bad things happen to me all the time, but they happen to everyone else, too. And it seems like the better of a person you are, the shorter the end of the stick becomes. I see this happening to a couple of my friends right now, so I try to help where I can. Believe me, I know the feeling. And it sucks when you receive some sort of retaliation because you're too involved. You can only push people so far before they push back. And that's fine. I can take it. Just be there when I do it.
So how do I deal with the bullshit of another day? I write. I have so many songs that...ha!...man, if I could tell you what they're actually about. Very, very, VERY few of you know...okay, probably just Jamie. Anyways, everything I feel inside about what's actually bothering me goes into a song. Have you noticed I have a lot of *love songs? Well, that's probably not a shock to you, given you've read my previous posts. I love love! All you need is love! Bum buh-dadada! Boy, I love to get off topic! Anyways, I used to have a serious problem with depression. It was many years ago, and thankfully the magic of music and the beauty of written word saved my life. Seriously. Writing music, listening to music, experiencing music...it's all very special to me. It's probably also part of why I have a hard time sharing it with other people. It's too personal. But it's how I deal...how I, how does Frankie say, relaaax? (Oh my gosh, she said the title!)
Letting life get to you is a very dangerous thing. A very intelligent man once told another intelligent man who used to drive me crazy telling me that life is all about choices. You can wake up and choose to be happy, or you can choose to be miserable. Well that curly-haired craphead was right. I woke up one morning and decided I was going to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, smile, and start my day right. I sometimes pep-talked myself...another seriously. It seems silly, but it worked. Soon I woke up already smiling. Now, I face about 300 great days a year, 40 okay days a year, and 25 bad ones. Not too bad if you ask me. Especially since I'm not rollin' in dough, rollin' in a relationship, or rollin' in a record deal. In fact, quite the opposite. But that's okay. Sometimes I just have to sit back, put things in perspective, and relax. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Accept what I cannot change. Let it be. And sometimes, that just doesn't fucking happen...
Sometimes, Shaneil obsesses. I've also mentioned this before. Sort of. Sometimes, things get to me in a way that slowly spreads throughout my body and leaves me feeling like poop. Big, stinky, poop. Then the anxiety hits. Then I have one of those 25 bad days. The worst part of those days? It usually affects the ones you care about the most. Or the ones who care about you the most. I always try to apologize to these people. It sucks when life gets in the way of love. Someone always gets hurt. So, when someone does it to me, I try to not take it personally- another way of relaxing. I try to not take it personally...tryyyyyyy...for those of you who know better! Shhh!!!
I guess my point is, find your outlet. It won't always work- some things are just meant to fuck up your day. And for those days, I'm here for ya man! Or wo-man! Or hu-man! Whatever you are...what the who are you?
*PS- My lyrics are posted in 'my notes' on facebook.
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