Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

Since I am such a yapper, I've decided to make each post have a "theme" if you will...today's theme, class, is fear and loathing...in Los Angeles...obviously.

Fear is a big issue of mine. I have many fears, including but not limited to: most heights, small spaces (claustrophobia), falling, natural disasters, anything that can fly and sting me, pursuing my music career and never finding true love- love I feel I deserve. All of these things affect my daily life. I don't do rollercoasters (sorry!), I will NEVER skydive, bungee jump or any of those idiotic things...I will never move somewhere known for having tornados or hurricanes (no thanks!), I freak out if a bee comes within 10 feet of me, I constantly downplay my musical talent and ability, and I act slightly insane when the chance at finding someone I feel is perfect for me shows his face...

So why do I fear these things? Why do we fear anything? Well, the first few are obvious...ie. I don't wanna DIE any time soon! But okay...my music. I love music sooo much. I breath music, I hear music everywhere, I see it everywhere, I find it in the most mundane things (I work at Starbucks and sing EVERYTHING...people's change, their drinks, what I'm prepping for the day...) but I can't seem to drop my balls and go for it! I can talk about it until I'm blue in the face, but invite me to an open mic or ask me to play and my eyes fall, my chest tightens and I deflect, deflect, deflect. It's sooo frustrating! Mainly for everyone else...I know it's annoying, but what the hell do you want from me? I'm AFRAID! I'm severely afraid to fail, to make a fool of myself, to never make anything at all with my music...it's like my child, and I'm the overbearing, overprotective mother that won't let it go out into the sunlight and play. I also don't think I'm good enough even though every time I play for people, they love it! People have been BLOWN AWAY...BLOWN AWAY!!! I once played for my friend, Steph, and the first thing out of her mouth was "I canNOT believe that just happened in my apartment!" So what the hell Shaneil??? What the hell FEAR? Why you gotta be all up in my business??? But I digress...

The whole reason I bring up fear and loathing today is my view on what I see every day...I live in Los Angeles, I live in a not-so-nice-kinda-really-crappy neighborhood, and I ride the bus. I see working mothers, homeless beggars, illegal immigrants, crabby elders, preppy teenagers, wanna-be gang-bangers, transvestite prostitutes and so on and so forth every day. And I wonder about every single one of these people. If you read my last post, you know I love to people-watch and imagine their life stories. Take today- I was on the good ol' 207, riding up Western towards my apartment. We came to a stop to pick up the next bunch, and I saw a homeless man sitting on the bench. As I sat waiting for the bus to continue its route, I took notice of him talking to himself. He was VERY into this conversation, and I began wondering what he was saying...then I began to take all of him in. He is pretty tall from what I can tell, older (probably 40's) with long, dirty, dark and gray hair, long fingers with big wide fingernails, a long face with big blue eyes, and a wardrobe that I can only imagine reeks of dirt and piss. It took everything in me not to jump off that bus and give him a hug! For as people are pushing past him to board the metro, all I can think of is that this man used to be a boy, and that boy used to be a child, and that child used to be a baby, and somewhere, somehow a mother cared for that child...so what happened? How did he end up here? Why isn't anyone helping him? I know that if I ever hit hard times, there are a very large number of people who would NEVER let me end up where he is...so where are his people? What caused them to disappear from his life? Where are they now? Someone fucking HELP him! But what do I do? I sit on the bus as it pulls away, feeling helpless...and fearful. Why do we fear what we don't understand? How can we judge someone because they fell on hard times and couldn't get back up? Because they showed weakness? He should be judging you as you walk by and plug your nose...but no, he goes on with his life, alone, probably crazy or on drugs, to eventually die alone...and who remembers him? No one. But me. Imagine if no one was ever afraid to approach him, to help him, before, now or later...imagine the possibilities of a life he could have...but never will. It tears at my heart...

Loathing is a very strong word, like hate. Yuck. To properly delve into this word, I looked it up on one of my favorite websites, dictionary.com (ohhhh yeah, I am such a nerd, THANK you). It's defined as strong dislike or disgust; intense aversion. For me, this all goes along with my theme of fear. How can you actually hate something, besides hate itself? Isn't hate the root of all evil? Or is that money? Eh, either way...hate is a product of fear, in my opinion.

I don't think I can actually say I 'hate' anything, although I do harbor some strong dislike for certain things...ignorance, stereotyping, arrogance, money, the government, most organized religion, Bono (don't ask)... but I don't think I have the capacity to actually hate or loathe anything. It kiiind of goes against everything I believe in! (All I need is love, remember?) Everywhere I go, though- I witness hate and loathing...people as a whole looooathe things they don't understand. Coasting along my theme of homeless, there's your example. I work at Sta...a coffee shop..... ;) .....and every day I'm faced with the corporate-forced task of kicking people out of my store. This usually kills me inside. Don't get me wrong, if you come in and solicit or harass other people, you're asking for it. But sometimes, someone comes in with the couple of dollars they earned that day and wants to buy a coffee...or an orange juice...or a snack...and I'm supposed to say no???? Here's where I get heated about this: FIRST of all, they are not buying beer, or cigarettes, or drugs, or whatever else to hopefully ease the pain that night....they are buying food and beverages to sustain some kind of living, however you call that living. They come in, politely ask for their purchase, and leave. There used to be a gentleman who came in every day, Walter...

I love love LOVE Walter. He is the sweetest little thing (I say little, but he's probably in his 50's) and has never caused me a problem in the store. Yes, he has a dirty appearance; yes, he sometimes has a slight odor coming from him...but he also has schizophrenia (which I've been informed is managed better with the help of caffeine), *was* working for the man who runs the home he stays in, and always paid- never asked for samples or free food or money...there was one day that there were no seats available in our lobby (a common occurrence) when I noticed him sitting on the floor near one of the tables. I went to approach him, because I wanted to offer him a chair from the back. Before I could get a word out, he said "I'm sorry, do I need to leave? I understand if I shouldn't be here...did I bother someone? I'm so sorry..." I almost cried right there. I told him he was always welcome in that store and to never assume otherwise...and for the first time, I saw a smile on his face. Now I'm SORRY but screw you corporate America, that's being a patriot, that's helping your fellow man. All I did was allow him to stay in the building he PAID FOR A PURCHASE TO BE IN and he smiled, smiled, for the first time I had seen in months...I haven't seen him in about 3 months, because he was probably banned from our store. Assholes.

So what can we do? What can I do? These questions pose a problem for me. People constantly say they want to help, but never do. The thing is, there are numerous opportunities to help your fellow man every day, every time you walk out the door, in everything you do. You just have to look for the signs. Don't overwhelm yourself, take it one step at a time, one person at a time, one random act of kindness at a time...don't be afraid, don't judge, don't loathe, don't hate, just be, live...and let live. Some of the best moments of my life, that I'll always remember, took 2 minutes to occur and changed someone's day, possibly even life. That's the greatest feeling in the world to me, next to love...but, that is love...love for your fellow man, love for the same species you are- no matter their background, appearance, personality- none of it- they are flesh and blood like you, my friend. So start acting like it and HELP ME OUT! Haha ;)