P-Push It Real Good

I'm frustrated. I admit it. I had an up and down week, and although it ended on a good note, I'm still frustrated. "With what, Shaneil?" Well.....people.

How long do you put yourself out there for someone before you give up? How long do you try to be supportive and a good friend with no reciprocation? What's the limit? Seriously? I need to know...because I'm tired of being ignored. Tired of being pushed away. Tired of feeling like I don't exist. It's not fair. "Well, life's no-" SHUT IT!

So I have this friend. Someone I consider a good friend. And this friend likes to ignore and push me away at certain points. And I take it. And take it. Aaaaand...well. You know. What's so wrong with someone trying to be there for you? Why put up these walls? Where does this fear come from? And how long do I sit back and let it happen? Why do I even care anymore? Questions left unanswered...that I can't even ask. Because? I'll be ignored. Big surprise.

Don't get me wrong...I know your answer. "Let it go! Don't talk to them! They just don't appreciate you..." Well, this friend of mine is also going through a lot of crappity crap crap. So, I try to be understanding and let life happen around our "friendship". But...I can't help feeling left in the dust...when I deserve more. And I hang on because I care...too much. As usual. This is quite annoying. I'm over it. DONE.

You see...once you get into my heart, you're pretty much stuck there. *insert evil laugh here* I know this person is a good person, but they obviously don't realize how they make me feel. How the silence kills me. And without going into too much detail (as with anything a little too personal for the world wide web), I'm afraid to broach the subject for fear of these words: "drama", "overthinking", "overanalytical", "silly", cop-out, cop-out, COP-OUT. Why is it so hard to talk about these kinds of things? Especially with the opposite sex? Just SAY IT! FUCK! Sorry...getting a little out of control here. *deep breath* Okay. Moving on.

A myriad of rhetorical questions, I know. I'm a smart girl. I know most of these answers. But it's complicated...and if I didn't write about it, it was going to eat away at me that much more. I don't know. I'm...actually at a loss for words. Now there's a first.