Back, Back, Back It Up

Say what you mean, mean what you say. Actions speak louder than words, so act out!

So, that friend of mine got a small talking-to via a text message sent yesterday... no response. BUT. This person did find a small backwoods path to finally reach out in some way...hope they didn't pull a muscle. Clarification: I'm grateful for the effort, but we'll see how long this lasts. I still feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I can't help but feel the distance still staring me in the face. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I put too much in. Either way, that pit-in-my-stomach feeling remains. I guess we'll just see...ee-yeah-ee-yeah. (Another quote from one of my songs...yes, I love my songs).

People hide, people push, people distance themselves, walls, walls, walls. Break down those walls! Trust someone! Give in! It's scary, but sometimes, sometimes, the person is worth it. I think I am. But people tend to ruin good people. Be it a bad relationship, a shaky friendship, or some other situation, it seems that the ones who show up with the right frame of mind are always a day late and a dollar short. Well, my days are numbered and my pockets are running thin. As is my patience.

Frustration, irritation, segregation. Story of my life. Find someone good for me, and they'll run away. Well, I guess that means they're not good for me, right? Or do I just need to let life happen and be happy with the results? Hmm...

There are a lot of good things happening for me right now, so I'm trying to stay focused and happy and content. I have no reason to complain, though I still do. Life is throwing a lot at me, and though my mitt is a bit worn thin, I'm ready and willing to catch whatever life throws my way. It's catch and release. Accept the things I cannot change, rid myself of the things I don't need, move on, dream on, live on. I know I'm a good person and deserve good things. So I'm embracing the good in my life and distancing myself from that which is not. Here I come life, get ready for the aftershock! No funny ending here, just waiting for the quake...

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

...but you can try sometimes....to get what you neeeeeeeeed! If you have me on Facebook, you've probably seen me quote this before. Now, I'm not a huge Rolling Stones fan...I can probably name about 8 songs I really like by them. BUT. Never a truer statement has been spoken than this one. You can't always get what you want. But you should try sometimes to get what you need. Because damn it- you deserve it!

I just had a really great night with one of my best friends, Jono. Surprisingly enough, he is the brother of my now ex-boyfriend, Chris. Jono (known by most as Jon) and I did not get along right off the bat. The funny thing? We had so much in common, it drove us both insane. We eventually learned to embrace it, and now are closer than I am with most of my family. He is my brother. And I love him dearly.

So. We went out tonight, after spending the afternoon in my apartment. We had a GREAT time! I miss spending time with people that mean that much to me. Stupid life- get out of the way! Since it had been a while for us, we talked about "how things are going" for us. We discussed a lot of issues we are going through at the same time...craving love, wanting to put our all into our common passion, and reconnecting with friends. And I thought of this lyric. (Remember...the title of this post?) There are a few select things that I want right now....thaaaaaat....I can't have. And that pisses me off. But it's life. C'est la vie, as they say! (By the way...who are 'they'???)

However, there are many things that I need right now, and I just need to embrace that. I need to focus on my job. I need to focus on music. I need to be happy alone, and take it all in for what it's worth. So, I'm striving for these things. I've posted a lot recently about following goals and focusing on what's important. It's easy to write these things, but to do them?? Another story. I feel like writing this blog is a way of preparing myself mentally and emotionally to pursue these things that I need. For example, whenever I feel down about love and so on, I reread "Tag 'Em & Bag 'Em!". It reminds me that I need to focus on myself and my goals, rather than dwell on what "could" or "could've been".

It's hard to motivate yourself. Usually, I need people pushing me to do this. Luckily, I have a few people in my life right now that do push me in certain directions I've struggled pushing myself towards...ie. my buddy, Nick, has been pushing my ass to get better at guitar and doesn't exactly go easy on me. This is what I need, people! He knows me well enough to see that if you don't push me, I will sit around and twiddle my freakin' thumbs. Well, these thumbs are tired and the rest of my body is aching for more. I'm currently writing a song about this. I include, for you, a sneak preview of what's to come of this song below. You're welcome. I'm anticipating your fan mail.

I used to say, that nothing could take my soul.
Used to say, that I would always be in control.
How naive a thing, knowing full well my heart
controls my being, leaving no part of me
guarded from love's cruel touch.
And I used to dream, in colors bright as the sky.
Get lost in my being, and ride on that wave for a while.
Now, the future's so close and the past is so far from me.
As I sing this, I sing this in agony.
I can't take it, I'm running away. Running away...

'Cause there's gotta be something better than this.
Feel like I know the way, but I always resist.
Why do I hold on to the pain? It's like slitting my wrists.
How can someone be so selflessly malicious?
And lovingly vicious....