Somebody To Lean On

I'm happy when everybody else is happy. So when a good friend of mine is down, all I want to do is help. Hell, not even just "good" friends, anyone in general. I can't help it. I have that motherly-let-me-wipe-your-tears syndrome. I want to hold and console every aching heart and try to make it better. It's exhausting! But, gratifying. And that's all that matters.

Sometimes, people don't want help. I understand this all too well. Stubborn as I am, sometimes I want to figure it out myself and find my own peace with a situation. And sometimes, that's the way it should be. Some things are meant to be dealt with in private, with your own thoughts, your own responses. I have to talk myself through things, sometimes. Yes, I talk out loud. What have I told you about judging me??

I may not always know the details, or understand the pain, but I can be there with a clean shoulder and a comforting hand. And probably a lame joke. I can't help it. I gotta' try to get that smile on your face! I know that, when I'm down about something, even just a hello from an old friend can totally change my mood. People tend to refrain from reaching out because of fear. Fear of a negative reaction, no reaction, too much reaction- but I don't care. I will always put myself out there, because people need people. People need that comfort and support. It's how we thrive. We all need each other, so it's incredibly ridiculous to me how much we fight, bicker, hate and destroy each other. We should be looking to each other for a helping hand, without fear that there won't be one.

Take last night. I got off of work, and SURPRISE! It was raining! I happen to carry an umbrella in my work bag every day, so I was dry and cozy under my little umbrella at the bus stop. I look to my right, and this poor girl is standing in the rain, obviously unaware of the impending weather as I was, arms tight around herself and obvious impatience for the bus to show up. I made a joke about unfolding the big umbrella the parking guy uses, and discovered she doesn't really speak English. No problem! I walked over, handed her my umbrella, and threw my hood on. Hell, the girl was dressed to impress while I stood in my coffee-inspired ensemble- what did I need the damn umbrella for?? She was so sweet! "Thank you! Thank you!" was all she could utter in a language I could understand. She kept putting the umbrella over my head, too, so through much resistance and laughter, I finally stood there next to her in the rain, one under each half of the umbrella. Slightly awkward, yes- but we were both dry and happy. We went to get on the bus, and she insisted I go first. Though we never spoke, she made it a point to say goodbye and thank you again as she departed the bus. What a sweet girl! She totally made my night, and all I did was share a tiny portion of a crappy umbrella. These are those random acts of kindness I speak of. Pay it forward, as they say. It felt great!

I'm not trying to be all "Ooh I'm so awesome, I help people!" I just think if more people did little things like that, the world would be a better place. As cheesy as it is, Starbucks has a mission statement that says "One person, one cup, one neighborhood at a time." I like to think of this as my life's motto. Except, maybe more like "one person, one random act of kindness, one day at a time." Day by day. Person by person. I take it step by step. (No, I will not break into the theme from said show...but yes, I really want to). It doesn't take much to reach out and touch someone in need. So why waste all your time thinking about yourself?

We do, of course, need to think of ourselves, also. That's where my writing comes in, my two amazing boys whom I love dearly, the friends I surround myself with... you are all a part of what makes me "me" and contribute in your own little ways every day. And probably don't even realize it. I keep myself sane by keeping people I love around me. I reach out to everyone, and in turn they reach out to me. It's a two-way street. We're all on it, coasting along this thing called life. Now get off your damn cell phone before you run someone over!

Hugs For Free

I want things I can't have. I miss someone I can't tell. I have a roomie, but feel like I live alone. I'm happy, but down all the time. My life needs to make up it's MIND! Siiiiigh. Someone hold me. Or let me punch them. I feel like either way, I'd feel better. This is another one of those "not sure what to title or write about" yet posts. But again, you already know the title. Sooo.....if you could clue me in, that would be great. Yeaaah...

Things are going really great for me right now. In most aspects. We all have our thorns...but I feel a deep void I can't ignore and I haven't put my finger on it just yet. I feel like every time I write, be it this blog or a song, I get that much closer to figuring it out. So I guess time will tell. Hey, time! Speed it up buddy! Love, Shaneil.

Everyone has a void inside of them that, when filled, creates an overwhelming happiness and joy for life. And like one giant bakery, we all require different fillings and different flavors to make us feel complete. What is mine, you ask? Love. Love, love, love, love...craaaazy love. Well, not exactly. I'm not saying I need some man with roses and a promise of forever right now. Slow down, cowboy! I just need to be loved. Hell, we ALL need to be loved. But I think I need it on a deeper level. I've mentioned my constant need for interaction, but I miss having someone I'm close with. Someone I can talk to on a regular basis. A best friend. Don't get me wrong, Jamie is my best friend and I love her dearly. But I see her less now that we live together... not sure how that came about, but she has her own life to take care of. And very good reason for being off in her own world. Just so we're clear, this is NOTHING against her. (Love you Boo!)

Chris was my boyfriend and my best friend. I lost both of those in one day. I feel extremely lonely most of the time, and though I am blessed to have many dear friends in my life, most of them are only through a computer screen. Apparently I need to get out more. But this is difficult for me with no vehicle, a busy schedule, and a not-so full call log. And hey, I'm not bagging on anybody. Life gets in the way of fun, and you don't exactly see me making too many calls! But we're all busy. What the hell happened to the fun times? Oh yeah... we grew up. Booo.

I find solace in my music and writing. I tell music and tell through music what I don't tell anyone else. So really, music is my best friend. I'm okay with that, but music can't tangibly put its arms around me for a good ol' hug. Man, I love me some hugs. They heal the soul. Forget the punch in the face, I just need a hug.

Yup, I'm a hugger. On a lighter note, I have a friend who is not a hugger. By ANY means. So it's kind of fun to mess with her and hug her REAL good. Miss ya Jess! But I LOVE hugs. A good pair of comforting arms holding me tight to remind me I am loved. I hug everyone, but there are certain hugs you get that hold on for that extra second, and you feel your world at peace. I need one of those. Any takers?

Hugging is weird for some people, but next time you're around someone you really love, give 'em a real good hug. If not for you, for me. Because if it's me, I know I'd appreciate it, and you just never know who may be in need of one at that moment.

PS. Time, let's not fight. I respect you, just wish you'd get things moving along already. I love you, but I don't like you all the time. I'm sure it's mutual. Do you- do you want a hug?

Back, Back, Back It Up

Say what you mean, mean what you say. Actions speak louder than words, so act out!

So, that friend of mine got a small talking-to via a text message sent yesterday... no response. BUT. This person did find a small backwoods path to finally reach out in some way...hope they didn't pull a muscle. Clarification: I'm grateful for the effort, but we'll see how long this lasts. I still feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I can't help but feel the distance still staring me in the face. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I put too much in. Either way, that pit-in-my-stomach feeling remains. I guess we'll just see...ee-yeah-ee-yeah. (Another quote from one of my songs...yes, I love my songs).

People hide, people push, people distance themselves, walls, walls, walls. Break down those walls! Trust someone! Give in! It's scary, but sometimes, sometimes, the person is worth it. I think I am. But people tend to ruin good people. Be it a bad relationship, a shaky friendship, or some other situation, it seems that the ones who show up with the right frame of mind are always a day late and a dollar short. Well, my days are numbered and my pockets are running thin. As is my patience.

Frustration, irritation, segregation. Story of my life. Find someone good for me, and they'll run away. Well, I guess that means they're not good for me, right? Or do I just need to let life happen and be happy with the results? Hmm...

There are a lot of good things happening for me right now, so I'm trying to stay focused and happy and content. I have no reason to complain, though I still do. Life is throwing a lot at me, and though my mitt is a bit worn thin, I'm ready and willing to catch whatever life throws my way. It's catch and release. Accept the things I cannot change, rid myself of the things I don't need, move on, dream on, live on. I know I'm a good person and deserve good things. So I'm embracing the good in my life and distancing myself from that which is not. Here I come life, get ready for the aftershock! No funny ending here, just waiting for the quake...

...With a Little Help From My Friends

Alright life, you've thrown some curveballs at me the last 24 hours, and I respect that. But enough is enough.

If you recall, I mentioned in Frankie Say RELAX that I have about 25 bad days a year. Well, lucky me! I just had one...although, not in the sense that it was all in one day, but in one 24-hour period. And boy, was. it. bad. Without divulging too much, I had an upsetting visit with a close friend, became somewhat "ill" for a day, found out my dogs ate chocolate, and had a miserably lonely, sick day off. Well, shit on a brick. Don't know what that means, but it feels right.

These days are draining for me. With so much good in my life, it's hard to handle the really, really bad. It's true, I don't have much, but I really appreciate what I do have. My grandparents certainly raised me well! They at least instilled that quality in me, I'm proud to say. So when something goes terribly wrong, it tends to go super fuckin' terribly wrong. This was my last 24 hours. Awful, awful, emotionally draining 24 hours. Thankfully, the good in my life always prevails!

With my roommate home and my two little boys in good health, all is well in the world again. I am truly thankful for the friends I have made down here, and Jamie Elizabeth Goss is no flippin' exception! My roommate, literally (as in, we share a room!), and best friend, a person I can count on for anything. She's family. There's a large portion of my heart with a No Vacancy sign lit up permanently for her.

Although she is obviously a huge part of my life, I have made many, many other amazing friends here in LA. Daniel, Teri, Nick R., Nick A., Nick M. (I said I love me some Nicks!), Veronica, Lino, Vada, Mario...the list goes on and on. If you've read my "about me" on Facebook, you know I have a constant need for interaction. So every single person who I interact with, no matter how little or how much, is a part of who I am. They make me whole, in one way or another. During this 24-hour period, one of them hurt me very badly. That's a very hard thing to handle, so I'm here to say "thank you." Thank you to the ones who truly care and know how to handle me. The ones who get me. The ones who never let me down. You know who you are, and you know that you're loved...just want you to know it's more than you probably expected.

After an exhausting day of grief, I'm thankful to be going to work tomorrow. I have settled in quite nicely at my new store, and am of course, extremely grateful for it. It's nice to get back to the daily grind when the world gets in the way of my happy little life. I love my life. I love my friends. World, you can try and try, but somehow, someway, I will always come out on top. Because damn it, that's where the good lovin' is!