It's starting to really hit me, the adventure I'm about to embark on. I've never lived completely alone, and I'm beginning to run down the list of fears I hide from the rest of ya'll... you know, to avoid embarrassment? Yes, I had to dictionary.com that little sucker. And yes, I was right! Ha!
Being around people keeps me sane. I don't like to be alone; we've covered this. Well, I admitted this. Anyways. Being alone gives way to many opportunities for my imagination to run wild and stir up my anxiety. The funny thing is, as afraid as I thought I would be, I'm feeling pretty confident about the move. I feel safe knowing I have a little protecter in my pup, Buster. (I'll miss the crap out of Bernie, but he'll be in excellent hands with my soon-to-be ex-roomie.) The natural ability to pick up the sound of a flippin' fly landing on the wall, Buster being with me already alleviates a good deal of the ridiculous situations I picture myself getting into. So, that's covered.
I think this time alone, in a new setting, under my terms is going to be quite good for me. I've already made some mental promises to myself as far as things I would like to change, keep, and improve upon in life. I feel good about the move, though it will be lonely. Luckily, mine and the roommate's opposite, busy schedules has allowed for some practice "alone-time". I've gotten used to the silence, and am able to find the beauty in it. To just exist. To just be. And to fill it with the sounds of things I love- music, my little guy running around, the strum of my guitar, the sound of the pages turning in a good book, the pots and pans against the stove... I'm SO excited! This is definitely a good thing. Nay, a fabulous one!
It's a new chapter in my life, and I'm looking forward to the text. I have the potential to achieve the things I truly want, and there's no flippin' time like the present! Keep my head on straight, held high, and clear of the grime my imagination leaves behind. That sort of rhymed. And another time! ..... Should I keep on tryin'? ... Okay, I'm really done- or am I...in? Crap.
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Home Is Where Your Heart Is
It's been a long few days for me, both physically and emotionally. I haven't written because I've been writing songs, which is good. That tap, however, has run dry at the moment. So I'm back!
Tonight while closing, my coworker and I began talking about our fathers. Hers is currently in town with her for the week, and they have been fighting non-stop. It's funny that she should look to me for advice, as I have no relationship with mine. And it took years of trying, as she is now, for me to finally say 'enough is enough'. I am at peace with our lack of a relationship (for lack of a better set of words). I had to forgive myself to find it. But my life is just simply better how it is now. If I believed it could be different, believe me, I'd be trying just as I always had. But if you know me well enough, you probably agree with my decision.
On a somewhat lighter note, it got me thinking about family. I miss them. I have so many great people that I call my family, and as sad as it is, Facebook has started to bring us back together. I know I'm on facebook a lot, as you can see from my ridiculous amount of posts, but it has helped me reconnect with family that I barely talk to, and really should. So I get hooked. Hooked on the connections and conversations. Hooked on the reminder that I have people who love me dearly. Hooked on an effing social networking site because, damn it, I love people! What is this, an intervention?! Sheesh!
It's true, though. I do love people. And I've been trying to be extra-there for those I love. It's hard for me to get on the phone, yes- but sign on to facebook or read my blog and I'm there! Don't judge me. It's who I am. I write. I like to interact with a lot of different people. I feel like I'm defending myself. Why am I defending myself? It's late. I should go to sleep.
The point is, I got a little down tonight thinking about my father. It got me thinking about my uncle, who was like a father to me growing up (or a big brother, really), and passed. About my "LA Father", whom I fought with a couple of weeks ago and haven't spoken to since. Geez. No wonder I have trouble with men- I have "daddy-issues"?! Really?!! I'm that girl?? Yuck. I think I turned out pretty well in spite of that revolting revelation. I've done a lot of growing up, and part of that is learning to appreciate the things I should appreciate. Like family. So to any and all family who read this, just know that I love you all dearly. I don't always keep in touch like I should, but you're thought about and cared about. THAT- will NEVER change. And if you're ever in LA, this heart will always be here for you to call home.
Tonight while closing, my coworker and I began talking about our fathers. Hers is currently in town with her for the week, and they have been fighting non-stop. It's funny that she should look to me for advice, as I have no relationship with mine. And it took years of trying, as she is now, for me to finally say 'enough is enough'. I am at peace with our lack of a relationship (for lack of a better set of words). I had to forgive myself to find it. But my life is just simply better how it is now. If I believed it could be different, believe me, I'd be trying just as I always had. But if you know me well enough, you probably agree with my decision.
On a somewhat lighter note, it got me thinking about family. I miss them. I have so many great people that I call my family, and as sad as it is, Facebook has started to bring us back together. I know I'm on facebook a lot, as you can see from my ridiculous amount of posts, but it has helped me reconnect with family that I barely talk to, and really should. So I get hooked. Hooked on the connections and conversations. Hooked on the reminder that I have people who love me dearly. Hooked on an effing social networking site because, damn it, I love people! What is this, an intervention?! Sheesh!
It's true, though. I do love people. And I've been trying to be extra-there for those I love. It's hard for me to get on the phone, yes- but sign on to facebook or read my blog and I'm there! Don't judge me. It's who I am. I write. I like to interact with a lot of different people. I feel like I'm defending myself. Why am I defending myself? It's late. I should go to sleep.
The point is, I got a little down tonight thinking about my father. It got me thinking about my uncle, who was like a father to me growing up (or a big brother, really), and passed. About my "LA Father", whom I fought with a couple of weeks ago and haven't spoken to since. Geez. No wonder I have trouble with men- I have "daddy-issues"?! Really?!! I'm that girl?? Yuck. I think I turned out pretty well in spite of that revolting revelation. I've done a lot of growing up, and part of that is learning to appreciate the things I should appreciate. Like family. So to any and all family who read this, just know that I love you all dearly. I don't always keep in touch like I should, but you're thought about and cared about. THAT- will NEVER change. And if you're ever in LA, this heart will always be here for you to call home.
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