I'm feeling the heat. It's swarming over me, taking over me! I'm engulfed in the beauty that is... drive.
I take pride in my good qualities. Drive has never been one of them. With my music, at least. I have sat on songs and melodies and ideas for SEVENTEEN YEARS. Not to mention all of the ideas with my newly incorporated talent, guitar, for about 2-3 years. Well, ladies and gentlemen- aaaaat laaaast! My looove has come along! I have found that passion and drive I have so desperately needed for so long! And all from one little gig... one little blip on the music spectrum... something so insignificant to most, but the world to me... my very first show last night. What an honor and blessing this show was! Brought upon me at the very last minute, it will impact the rest of my life. Isn't life grand like that? It's the little moments that make big memories.
With the enormous and positive response from so many people in my life, I have never felt so driven before. I was offered a lot of future opportunities for performances and gigs last night, and I was stoked to take each and every one of them! I can't even imagine turning down an opportunity to perform now... what. a. feeling. Someone criiiiied. Cried. Emotionally connected with my music and lyrics and cried. Amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing. She even asked my buddy to introduce herself to me! She was my first fan! Ahhh!!!
I feel like I should be thanking people for getting me here. But this is just the beginning. The fire is lit and my ass is burnin'! I already have a show June 4th (mark those calendars!), an open mic on Monday that I am NOT missing, a new potential venue for future projects, a friend who is going to get me a gig at a place I've seen friends perform previously... plus new friends, new fans, new musicians, and a new outlook. Siiiiiiiiigh. Life is good.
So. No more rubbing sticks together. The fire is ablaze. The mood is right. The time is now. I've waited my entire life to find the drive to pursue my biggest passion and love in life. Music. I don't even care about the money...I just want to perform. Money would be nice, but that can come later. For now, it's about strengthening my guitar skills, writing every day, and vocal resuscitation. I'm diving in that deep end we've spoken of... my feet are off the board, and I'm mid-air. I feel the wind blowing through my hair as I spread my arms... Look out, LA! Shaneil's got a little wind beneath these broken wings! And with these broken wings, I will still sing.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
It's Alllll In The Hips...
Tomorrow is a BIG day for me! As you probably know, I am performing for the first time not only with an instrument, but my own original material! And I am freeeeeaking out. Just a bit. Okay, a LOT.
I am thrilled that it's happening, though. It's about damn time! After all of the lectures I've received from friends, the encouragement, the pushing, the annoyance in their voices as they tell me for the millionth time... I am FINALLY doing it. This is good for me. I know this. You know this. Buuuuut...I'm still scared, of course.
A friend of mine told me recently that even though he's performed about a thousand times on stage, he still gets nervous every time. Somewhat encouraging, somewhat not. It's comforting to know that someone like him understands, yet I'd like to know it gets easier. Well, I know it gets easier...but it'll never be easy. At least for me. My songs are so personal to me, they're like my children. Each one is carefully thought through and deeply emotional for me. It's why I write. Music is my outlet for all of the crap running through my head on a daily basis. So to share it with the world is a big jump for me. This is it. I'm doing it. No turning back. Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide!
I am incredibly honored to have been asked to do this show, so I want to give it my all. Guess that means I should go to sleep, right? My very good friend, Robert, is coming over in the morning so we can both practice our butts off and give our best tomorrow night. I can't believe it's finally happening...in less than 24 hours. Sounds like the start of a b-e-a-U-tiful friendship! Music, thank you. You have done more for me than anything else in the world. Tomorrow night, it's just me and you. No one else. This is what we've been waiting for. Let's show 'em what we've got... ain't no thang but a guitar strang! .....Yes, I just said that.
I am thrilled that it's happening, though. It's about damn time! After all of the lectures I've received from friends, the encouragement, the pushing, the annoyance in their voices as they tell me for the millionth time... I am FINALLY doing it. This is good for me. I know this. You know this. Buuuuut...I'm still scared, of course.
A friend of mine told me recently that even though he's performed about a thousand times on stage, he still gets nervous every time. Somewhat encouraging, somewhat not. It's comforting to know that someone like him understands, yet I'd like to know it gets easier. Well, I know it gets easier...but it'll never be easy. At least for me. My songs are so personal to me, they're like my children. Each one is carefully thought through and deeply emotional for me. It's why I write. Music is my outlet for all of the crap running through my head on a daily basis. So to share it with the world is a big jump for me. This is it. I'm doing it. No turning back. Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide!
I am incredibly honored to have been asked to do this show, so I want to give it my all. Guess that means I should go to sleep, right? My very good friend, Robert, is coming over in the morning so we can both practice our butts off and give our best tomorrow night. I can't believe it's finally happening...in less than 24 hours. Sounds like the start of a b-e-a-U-tiful friendship! Music, thank you. You have done more for me than anything else in the world. Tomorrow night, it's just me and you. No one else. This is what we've been waiting for. Let's show 'em what we've got... ain't no thang but a guitar strang! .....Yes, I just said that.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Back, Back, Back It Up
Say what you mean, mean what you say. Actions speak louder than words, so act out!
So, that friend of mine got a small talking-to via a text message sent yesterday... no response. BUT. This person did find a small backwoods path to finally reach out in some way...hope they didn't pull a muscle. Clarification: I'm grateful for the effort, but we'll see how long this lasts. I still feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I can't help but feel the distance still staring me in the face. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I put too much in. Either way, that pit-in-my-stomach feeling remains. I guess we'll just see...ee-yeah-ee-yeah. (Another quote from one of my songs...yes, I love my songs).
People hide, people push, people distance themselves, walls, walls, walls. Break down those walls! Trust someone! Give in! It's scary, but sometimes, sometimes, the person is worth it. I think I am. But people tend to ruin good people. Be it a bad relationship, a shaky friendship, or some other situation, it seems that the ones who show up with the right frame of mind are always a day late and a dollar short. Well, my days are numbered and my pockets are running thin. As is my patience.
Frustration, irritation, segregation. Story of my life. Find someone good for me, and they'll run away. Well, I guess that means they're not good for me, right? Or do I just need to let life happen and be happy with the results? Hmm...
There are a lot of good things happening for me right now, so I'm trying to stay focused and happy and content. I have no reason to complain, though I still do. Life is throwing a lot at me, and though my mitt is a bit worn thin, I'm ready and willing to catch whatever life throws my way. It's catch and release. Accept the things I cannot change, rid myself of the things I don't need, move on, dream on, live on. I know I'm a good person and deserve good things. So I'm embracing the good in my life and distancing myself from that which is not. Here I come life, get ready for the aftershock! No funny ending here, just waiting for the quake...
So, that friend of mine got a small talking-to via a text message sent yesterday... no response. BUT. This person did find a small backwoods path to finally reach out in some way...hope they didn't pull a muscle. Clarification: I'm grateful for the effort, but we'll see how long this lasts. I still feel a bit uneasy about the whole thing. I can't help but feel the distance still staring me in the face. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I put too much in. Either way, that pit-in-my-stomach feeling remains. I guess we'll just see...ee-yeah-ee-yeah. (Another quote from one of my songs...yes, I love my songs).
People hide, people push, people distance themselves, walls, walls, walls. Break down those walls! Trust someone! Give in! It's scary, but sometimes, sometimes, the person is worth it. I think I am. But people tend to ruin good people. Be it a bad relationship, a shaky friendship, or some other situation, it seems that the ones who show up with the right frame of mind are always a day late and a dollar short. Well, my days are numbered and my pockets are running thin. As is my patience.
Frustration, irritation, segregation. Story of my life. Find someone good for me, and they'll run away. Well, I guess that means they're not good for me, right? Or do I just need to let life happen and be happy with the results? Hmm...
There are a lot of good things happening for me right now, so I'm trying to stay focused and happy and content. I have no reason to complain, though I still do. Life is throwing a lot at me, and though my mitt is a bit worn thin, I'm ready and willing to catch whatever life throws my way. It's catch and release. Accept the things I cannot change, rid myself of the things I don't need, move on, dream on, live on. I know I'm a good person and deserve good things. So I'm embracing the good in my life and distancing myself from that which is not. Here I come life, get ready for the aftershock! No funny ending here, just waiting for the quake...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
But Even You Cannot Avoid.....PRESSURE!
Billy Joel reference there. Anybody get it? ...I miss Chris.
Well, golly gee willakers! Look at all this stuff I get to do! On the 'bright side of things', I have my first interview (known in Starbucks land as "interview prep"), on May 7th...yup! A week from Sunday! Oh, and my very first gig...this. THURSDAY. Holy moly! I have to have my 5 songs (luckily, picked out finally!) ready and comfortable in two days... on top of preparing the enormous amount of work it takes for these interviews! This is all excellent news, of course, but the fact of the matter is I'm a little stressed...and excited. Of course.
Cue pressure, enter stage left. This little bugger has crept up in my bliggity blog once again! Ya bastard. I'm extremely excited about this gig, and think that, in some way, the pressure is what's going to get me through this one. This a hump for me. Ohhhh boy, is it a hump! More like a fricken' mountain. I have never performed onstage with an instrument, FIRST off. Secondly, I have never performed my original material on stage. So, count 'em, TWO of my biggest fears and procrastinations of life...which makes it so bittersweet. I'm scared as hell, but I'm ready. Ready to at least put something out there, if not for the slim pickin's of the early crowd, for myself. Five songs that mean the world to me, even if not yet perfect in my mind. This is me, put out on a platter. A somewhat rusty, slightly dented platter- but out there. Holy crap. I'm scared.
With work, I'm really struggling with some, and really kicking ASS with the rest. I must say. I know I can handle this store, it's just taking some adjustments. I'm really tired lately, yet not sleeping well. I am happy to have been cutting back a little on smoking, because when I don't smoke cigarettes, I feel so much more energetic! I feel great! I admit it. It's just so difficult to get past the cravings...the anxiety. I'm tryin' folks, I really am. So it's up and down with that one the last couple of weeks. A lot of stress at work coupled with some stress in my relationships = smoking. Now, with this interview around the corner, the pressure's on! I have a decent stack of paperwork to work on, a resume/cover letter to polish, a coffee tasting with three different coffees that blows them away and relates to me as a leader, etc etc et cehskgh...yeah. All while working my butt off every day and taking my one day off this week to cram for a gig and then go perform. Yikes.
A lot to handle, but a lot of AMAZING. These are all things I need to accomplish, and have strived to accomplish for some time now. Especially the music side of it. I mean, I've only been writing songs for... SEVENTEEN YEARS... yeah. One year short of an adult life of procrastination. Kind of a big deal. I smell mahogany. Rich mahogany.
Well, golly gee willakers! Look at all this stuff I get to do! On the 'bright side of things', I have my first interview (known in Starbucks land as "interview prep"), on May 7th...yup! A week from Sunday! Oh, and my very first gig...this. THURSDAY. Holy moly! I have to have my 5 songs (luckily, picked out finally!) ready and comfortable in two days... on top of preparing the enormous amount of work it takes for these interviews! This is all excellent news, of course, but the fact of the matter is I'm a little stressed...and excited. Of course.
Cue pressure, enter stage left. This little bugger has crept up in my bliggity blog once again! Ya bastard. I'm extremely excited about this gig, and think that, in some way, the pressure is what's going to get me through this one. This a hump for me. Ohhhh boy, is it a hump! More like a fricken' mountain. I have never performed onstage with an instrument, FIRST off. Secondly, I have never performed my original material on stage. So, count 'em, TWO of my biggest fears and procrastinations of life...which makes it so bittersweet. I'm scared as hell, but I'm ready. Ready to at least put something out there, if not for the slim pickin's of the early crowd, for myself. Five songs that mean the world to me, even if not yet perfect in my mind. This is me, put out on a platter. A somewhat rusty, slightly dented platter- but out there. Holy crap. I'm scared.
With work, I'm really struggling with some, and really kicking ASS with the rest. I must say. I know I can handle this store, it's just taking some adjustments. I'm really tired lately, yet not sleeping well. I am happy to have been cutting back a little on smoking, because when I don't smoke cigarettes, I feel so much more energetic! I feel great! I admit it. It's just so difficult to get past the cravings...the anxiety. I'm tryin' folks, I really am. So it's up and down with that one the last couple of weeks. A lot of stress at work coupled with some stress in my relationships = smoking. Now, with this interview around the corner, the pressure's on! I have a decent stack of paperwork to work on, a resume/cover letter to polish, a coffee tasting with three different coffees that blows them away and relates to me as a leader, etc etc et cehskgh...yeah. All while working my butt off every day and taking my one day off this week to cram for a gig and then go perform. Yikes.
A lot to handle, but a lot of AMAZING. These are all things I need to accomplish, and have strived to accomplish for some time now. Especially the music side of it. I mean, I've only been writing songs for... SEVENTEEN YEARS... yeah. One year short of an adult life of procrastination. Kind of a big deal. I smell mahogany. Rich mahogany.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Patience is a PAIN
In my very first post, I graced you with my joke about not being a doctor or having patients (patience)...I know, I know. Genius. But I really don't...in some aspects. I can be very patient in certain circumstances, but in others.....nooot so much.
A great man once said, "The waiting is the hardest part." Ain't that the truth! With a combination of my anxiety and lack of patience, I sometimes get very frustrated with a situation (as seen in my last post). This can eat away at me and derail my focus from what's important. Then I have a cigarette, forgetting my promise to myself to stop. Then I have a drink, to alleviate the pain of the knot in my stomach, and once again, forgo a goal. Gah! Enough!
I'm saying this right here and right now. I'm done with all of it. Well, the "stuff" I need to be done with. Tag 'Em and Bag 'Em!, as I've said before. But I mean it this time. My patience has run out, the tap is dry. So, I'm moving forward with a clearer view of the road ahead. Littered with shiny objects and temptations to turn, I'm keeping my head high and pushing through. Nothing is worth my time and efforts and impatience and frustrations when the road is a one-way street. I deserve more than that. I know this. The people who appreciate me know this. So it's time to hold true to that. From here on out, Shaneil is grabbing life by the balls with the grip of determination! Don't worry... I'll be gentle.
A great man once said, "The waiting is the hardest part." Ain't that the truth! With a combination of my anxiety and lack of patience, I sometimes get very frustrated with a situation (as seen in my last post). This can eat away at me and derail my focus from what's important. Then I have a cigarette, forgetting my promise to myself to stop. Then I have a drink, to alleviate the pain of the knot in my stomach, and once again, forgo a goal. Gah! Enough!
I'm saying this right here and right now. I'm done with all of it. Well, the "stuff" I need to be done with. Tag 'Em and Bag 'Em!, as I've said before. But I mean it this time. My patience has run out, the tap is dry. So, I'm moving forward with a clearer view of the road ahead. Littered with shiny objects and temptations to turn, I'm keeping my head high and pushing through. Nothing is worth my time and efforts and impatience and frustrations when the road is a one-way street. I deserve more than that. I know this. The people who appreciate me know this. So it's time to hold true to that. From here on out, Shaneil is grabbing life by the balls with the grip of determination! Don't worry... I'll be gentle.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
P-Push It Real Good
I'm frustrated. I admit it. I had an up and down week, and although it ended on a good note, I'm still frustrated. "With what, Shaneil?" Well.....people.
How long do you put yourself out there for someone before you give up? How long do you try to be supportive and a good friend with no reciprocation? What's the limit? Seriously? I need to know...because I'm tired of being ignored. Tired of being pushed away. Tired of feeling like I don't exist. It's not fair. "Well, life's no-" SHUT IT!
So I have this friend. Someone I consider a good friend. And this friend likes to ignore and push me away at certain points. And I take it. And take it. Aaaaand...well. You know. What's so wrong with someone trying to be there for you? Why put up these walls? Where does this fear come from? And how long do I sit back and let it happen? Why do I even care anymore? Questions left unanswered...that I can't even ask. Because? I'll be ignored. Big surprise.
Don't get me wrong...I know your answer. "Let it go! Don't talk to them! They just don't appreciate you..." Well, this friend of mine is also going through a lot of crappity crap crap. So, I try to be understanding and let life happen around our "friendship". But...I can't help feeling left in the dust...when I deserve more. And I hang on because I care...too much. As usual. This is quite annoying. I'm over it. DONE.
You see...once you get into my heart, you're pretty much stuck there. *insert evil laugh here* I know this person is a good person, but they obviously don't realize how they make me feel. How the silence kills me. And without going into too much detail (as with anything a little too personal for the world wide web), I'm afraid to broach the subject for fear of these words: "drama", "overthinking", "overanalytical", "silly", cop-out, cop-out, COP-OUT. Why is it so hard to talk about these kinds of things? Especially with the opposite sex? Just SAY IT! FUCK! Sorry...getting a little out of control here. *deep breath* Okay. Moving on.
A myriad of rhetorical questions, I know. I'm a smart girl. I know most of these answers. But it's complicated...and if I didn't write about it, it was going to eat away at me that much more. I don't know. I'm...actually at a loss for words. Now there's a first.
How long do you put yourself out there for someone before you give up? How long do you try to be supportive and a good friend with no reciprocation? What's the limit? Seriously? I need to know...because I'm tired of being ignored. Tired of being pushed away. Tired of feeling like I don't exist. It's not fair. "Well, life's no-" SHUT IT!
So I have this friend. Someone I consider a good friend. And this friend likes to ignore and push me away at certain points. And I take it. And take it. Aaaaand...well. You know. What's so wrong with someone trying to be there for you? Why put up these walls? Where does this fear come from? And how long do I sit back and let it happen? Why do I even care anymore? Questions left unanswered...that I can't even ask. Because? I'll be ignored. Big surprise.
Don't get me wrong...I know your answer. "Let it go! Don't talk to them! They just don't appreciate you..." Well, this friend of mine is also going through a lot of crappity crap crap. So, I try to be understanding and let life happen around our "friendship". But...I can't help feeling left in the dust...when I deserve more. And I hang on because I care...too much. As usual. This is quite annoying. I'm over it. DONE.
You see...once you get into my heart, you're pretty much stuck there. *insert evil laugh here* I know this person is a good person, but they obviously don't realize how they make me feel. How the silence kills me. And without going into too much detail (as with anything a little too personal for the world wide web), I'm afraid to broach the subject for fear of these words: "drama", "overthinking", "overanalytical", "silly", cop-out, cop-out, COP-OUT. Why is it so hard to talk about these kinds of things? Especially with the opposite sex? Just SAY IT! FUCK! Sorry...getting a little out of control here. *deep breath* Okay. Moving on.
A myriad of rhetorical questions, I know. I'm a smart girl. I know most of these answers. But it's complicated...and if I didn't write about it, it was going to eat away at me that much more. I don't know. I'm...actually at a loss for words. Now there's a first.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Clean House = Clean Mind
There's some old adage about a clean home equalling a clean mind...well, today I'm putting that to the test! My amazing roommate and I cleaned and disinfected the entire apartment all day. Man, what a feeling!!! An unclogged shower? Clear and clean counters in the kitchen? Clothes hung up with care? Check!
On top of that, my beloved taxes cleared sometime last night...thank you for something, government! Even though you just gave me some of my hard-earned money back...but whatever. I digress. The point is, I FINALLY got to buy things I've been needing in the back of my mind for so long! New work clothes, underwear (since my puppy loves to chew them to smitherines...), a new mouse/mousepad, food/water bowls and toys for my boys, groceries, etc. Oh, happy day!
It's time to get going on all of those goals I set recently. First up? Although not mentioned on the list of goals, I have been drinking far more than I'd like lately. So that's out. For the most part, anyways. Also, I have GOT to cut back on my smoking! I did really well for a couple of days...a couple of days...like two. So it's time to hit that hard and cut-it-out! (Lame Full House reference...don't judge me.) I also need to get going with my music, going out to open mics and whatnot. I already agreed to a show next week, just haven't heard back from the friend putting it together. If all goes well, my very first show will be THURSDAY!!! Details to follow, of course.
Having the place clean and organized, I already feel better! Life is slowly putting itself in order for me, and I appreciate that life! I feel some good things just around the riverbend...and I'm with paddle in hand and ready to fight the waves along the way! This week started off amazing...then quickly turned horrid. BUT, with my heart in my hand, I pushed through and am ending on a strong note! I feel really good today, and look forward to what lays ahead. No more messing around. No more just writing it. I have the tools in hand, and it's time to start hammering! Building the shelter I wish to live in. Myself. Only I control it, no one else. Life.....is officially my bitch.
On top of that, my beloved taxes cleared sometime last night...thank you for something, government! Even though you just gave me some of my hard-earned money back...but whatever. I digress. The point is, I FINALLY got to buy things I've been needing in the back of my mind for so long! New work clothes, underwear (since my puppy loves to chew them to smitherines...), a new mouse/mousepad, food/water bowls and toys for my boys, groceries, etc. Oh, happy day!
It's time to get going on all of those goals I set recently. First up? Although not mentioned on the list of goals, I have been drinking far more than I'd like lately. So that's out. For the most part, anyways. Also, I have GOT to cut back on my smoking! I did really well for a couple of days...a couple of days...like two. So it's time to hit that hard and cut-it-out! (Lame Full House reference...don't judge me.) I also need to get going with my music, going out to open mics and whatnot. I already agreed to a show next week, just haven't heard back from the friend putting it together. If all goes well, my very first show will be THURSDAY!!! Details to follow, of course.
Having the place clean and organized, I already feel better! Life is slowly putting itself in order for me, and I appreciate that life! I feel some good things just around the riverbend...and I'm with paddle in hand and ready to fight the waves along the way! This week started off amazing...then quickly turned horrid. BUT, with my heart in my hand, I pushed through and am ending on a strong note! I feel really good today, and look forward to what lays ahead. No more messing around. No more just writing it. I have the tools in hand, and it's time to start hammering! Building the shelter I wish to live in. Myself. Only I control it, no one else. Life.....is officially my bitch.
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