Walk Hard

It's been a while, so this might be a long one. Get comfortable!



Man, am I slacking! One week with no posts, and I even received a complaint about it... :) ... I think I like that. Ha!

It's been a tough week for me... a LOT happened and I've been struggling with it. I never realized how scary it is for me to be alone. In doing so, I've been learning a lot about myself... and I'm not exactly pleased with all of my findings. But part of what keeps me level-headed is taking my flaws, accepting them, then embracing whatever good I find in them. The rest? Well. Deal with it. I can't change it overnight, but I'm workin' on it. Promise.

I was living for my relationship, and now I'm living for me. Just little ol' me. A bit overwhelming, seeing as how I want a lot for myself, but tend to lack the motivation or drive to get it. Without someone there to push me all of the time, I find difficulty getting off my ass and doing something. I must say, though, that I have been discovering drive I never knew existed within me... but without someone there as a constant support system, I haven't handled the obstacles I've faced so far with the best care. Care for me. Hmm. Why can't I just be happy alone? Confident alone? I am happiest when I'm with someone. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I face in life, it's that reassurance that someone is still there waiting for you at the end of the day. It's been really tough to let that go. I'm fully aware that this is good for me, though. When I'm committed to someone, I am there 100%, and sometimes I forget about the other important things in my life; like me. So me needs to get over me and start paying attention to me. Seriously.

My biggest-absolutely-seriously-annoying-thorn-in-my-side fear and passion is music. Music and I have a love-hate relationship. A very dramatic love-hate relationship. When it's love, it's diving into writing a song that brings me to tears; discovering a pattern that opens up a whole new chapter with my guitar; learning a song I never dreamed I could ever play. And when it's hate, it's clamming up in front of people; getting frustrated with guitar and setting it down for FAR too long; not having the confidence to pursue opportunities that have knocked and knocked and knocked... and knocked. But there I am- sitting in the corner of the room plugging my ears! Why? WHY??! Because I suck at life. I'm a wuss. I don't believe in myself like other people do... though I know I should. Do you have a solution? Because I sure don't... YET.

I've been perusing other people's blogs, some friends and some strangers; and it seems like everyone is trying to figure out what the heck they're doing and where they're going in life. Does it ever end? Or are we always searching for something else? Something more? Something better? Or something different? Are we ever just content with our lives? Or should I say, content with being content with our lives? So much complaining... to the point where people become bitter and forget what's important. I try not to let the things I don't have outweigh the things I do have... because I have a lot. I'm aware of this. I'm thankful for this. But as any normal human being would, I've had some bad moments along with the good. This last week was one big, bad moment. For the most part. There was some good in there, but so much happened that I thought I was losing myself for a second... I felt like my life was slowly slipping out of my control- and we know I like control! So I took the last two days for their full advantage and made some rearrangements in my tangible life- and emotional life.

Along with cleaning my entire apartment (including pups!), I took the time to really mull over some...feelings...I've been having and make peace with them. Without going into too much detail, I was in a weird place with someone. Still sort of am, but these kinds of situations take a little time to balance out. A few or more days ago, I took some time to myself (as in, not on the internet- shocking, I know!) and put myself on the outside, looking in. And I realized- girls, or at least girls who have been treated as I have, are so used to being treated a certain way- that when someone comes along and actually shows them some respect, they automatically assume this person is interested in them. So these nice, decent, human boys are adored from afar because they treated some girl how she deserves to be treated... and we pounce on that! It's nearly impossible to find people like that anymore. I guess I'm just more aware than ever how little I've ever been treated how I feel I should be. That was worded very oddly...did it make sense? The point is, the friendship is what's really special to me. I consider myself extremely blessed to have met this person for many reasons. You can't win 'em all, but I got one hell of a consolation prize!

I can honestly say that I'm truly happy right now. I don't have everything I want, but I'm making baby steps towards a better me every day. Through a series of emotional events, and I'm sure more to come, I'm learning how to be happy alone and embrace myself for what I'm worth and what I'm capable of. I'm learning how to push myself and find inspiration to achieve more in my life. It's a tough journey, but I'm facing new challenges and gaining new strength. It's harsh on my feet walking this road... but I'm walking. Hard. Down life's... rocky road.......? Have I taken it too far? Or does anyone else want to watch Walk Hard and eat ice cream right now?