Happiness Is A Warm Heart

Before I was fired from Starbucks, I knew it was coming. I also thought it would end all of the happiness in my life... from a job I loved, to my dream apartment, I felt my world was about to cave in and destroy me. Well, it didn't... and I came to terms with that, long before they pulled the plug.

Yes, I kept hope alive in my heart that my inevitable fate would not actually occur... but a part of me had already accepted it as what was meant to be. Starbucks was my life; my life was Starbucks. That, in itself, was the ultimate problem. You see, I am what I like to call an "equal-opportunity lover", in the sense that I pretty much love everything. I have many passions and joys in life that I was missing out on the last couple of years. From my music to cooking to something as simple as a puzzle, my life had many gaps in it that I filled with my passion for my work. But for me, my work is life. Life is the journey, and I was stuck at a rest-stop for two years. I've heard it said that you can be alive, but still not living. I finally understand this statement.

I can say today- now, I am finally living. Things have worked themselves out, as they tend to do... but much more than that, I am creating a life for myself that includes my main passion in life: LIFE. Since my departure from Starbucks, I have reconnected with acquaintances and made them lifetime friends; I have delved into music in ways I never have; I have focused on making my dream apartment what I actually see in my dreams; hell, I've even done a puzzle! Even as I was searching for new jobs, I refused to commit to anything I didn't actually want to do, even if I should have for the sake of my situation. Now, I am about to start two jobs at places I actually want to work at, in an area I love, and within a block from each other! I have acquired, one way or another, everything I need to complete my apartment and maintain a healthy lifestyle here. I've even met someone incredible, who accepts me exactly as I am. Every piece of me. Although it is still very new, it is an amazing feeling to meet and connect with someone who completely understands my mindset. I... am living.

Through everything I've gone through recently, the one thing that kept me positive and going strong... was myself. I learned a while ago that loving and accepting yourself, exactly as you are, is the most important key to happiness. Friends and loved ones come and go, family starts their own families, but you are the only person with yourself 100% of the time. No matter what. If you don't love yourself, then you have a long road ahead of you with someone you don't even want to be around!

Tonight, I coined a... statement, if you will, and stated it to two different people in my life. One is someone I never talk to, the other a constant in my life. "Happiness, though strengthened by those around us, originates within." I am quite proud of that statement, and stand by it with all of my faith and belief. I always tell people that I am great at giving advice, but terrible at receiving it. Well, following it. But, because of that, I have learned my life's lessons through my own choices, my own mistakes, and my own understanding of how to handle situations thrown at me by this thing called life. I am by no means perfect, but I take pride in the fact that my perspective assists me with life and everything it's got. I can be disgustingly positive at times, but when I truly need it, I push through obstacles I never thought I could. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things, but I find the best way is with a smile on your face, acceptance of what we cannot change, and the strength to change what we can. Okay... maybe I stole that from somewhere. What are you, the quote police?! ..... Yeahhh, maybe I'm a bit rusty... Smiles and Love to All! :)

Walk Hard

It's been a while, so this might be a long one. Get comfortable!



Man, am I slacking! One week with no posts, and I even received a complaint about it... :) ... I think I like that. Ha!

It's been a tough week for me... a LOT happened and I've been struggling with it. I never realized how scary it is for me to be alone. In doing so, I've been learning a lot about myself... and I'm not exactly pleased with all of my findings. But part of what keeps me level-headed is taking my flaws, accepting them, then embracing whatever good I find in them. The rest? Well. Deal with it. I can't change it overnight, but I'm workin' on it. Promise.

I was living for my relationship, and now I'm living for me. Just little ol' me. A bit overwhelming, seeing as how I want a lot for myself, but tend to lack the motivation or drive to get it. Without someone there to push me all of the time, I find difficulty getting off my ass and doing something. I must say, though, that I have been discovering drive I never knew existed within me... but without someone there as a constant support system, I haven't handled the obstacles I've faced so far with the best care. Care for me. Hmm. Why can't I just be happy alone? Confident alone? I am happiest when I'm with someone. No matter what happens to me, no matter what I face in life, it's that reassurance that someone is still there waiting for you at the end of the day. It's been really tough to let that go. I'm fully aware that this is good for me, though. When I'm committed to someone, I am there 100%, and sometimes I forget about the other important things in my life; like me. So me needs to get over me and start paying attention to me. Seriously.

My biggest-absolutely-seriously-annoying-thorn-in-my-side fear and passion is music. Music and I have a love-hate relationship. A very dramatic love-hate relationship. When it's love, it's diving into writing a song that brings me to tears; discovering a pattern that opens up a whole new chapter with my guitar; learning a song I never dreamed I could ever play. And when it's hate, it's clamming up in front of people; getting frustrated with guitar and setting it down for FAR too long; not having the confidence to pursue opportunities that have knocked and knocked and knocked... and knocked. But there I am- sitting in the corner of the room plugging my ears! Why? WHY??! Because I suck at life. I'm a wuss. I don't believe in myself like other people do... though I know I should. Do you have a solution? Because I sure don't... YET.

I've been perusing other people's blogs, some friends and some strangers; and it seems like everyone is trying to figure out what the heck they're doing and where they're going in life. Does it ever end? Or are we always searching for something else? Something more? Something better? Or something different? Are we ever just content with our lives? Or should I say, content with being content with our lives? So much complaining... to the point where people become bitter and forget what's important. I try not to let the things I don't have outweigh the things I do have... because I have a lot. I'm aware of this. I'm thankful for this. But as any normal human being would, I've had some bad moments along with the good. This last week was one big, bad moment. For the most part. There was some good in there, but so much happened that I thought I was losing myself for a second... I felt like my life was slowly slipping out of my control- and we know I like control! So I took the last two days for their full advantage and made some rearrangements in my tangible life- and emotional life.

Along with cleaning my entire apartment (including pups!), I took the time to really mull over some...feelings...I've been having and make peace with them. Without going into too much detail, I was in a weird place with someone. Still sort of am, but these kinds of situations take a little time to balance out. A few or more days ago, I took some time to myself (as in, not on the internet- shocking, I know!) and put myself on the outside, looking in. And I realized- girls, or at least girls who have been treated as I have, are so used to being treated a certain way- that when someone comes along and actually shows them some respect, they automatically assume this person is interested in them. So these nice, decent, human boys are adored from afar because they treated some girl how she deserves to be treated... and we pounce on that! It's nearly impossible to find people like that anymore. I guess I'm just more aware than ever how little I've ever been treated how I feel I should be. That was worded very oddly...did it make sense? The point is, the friendship is what's really special to me. I consider myself extremely blessed to have met this person for many reasons. You can't win 'em all, but I got one hell of a consolation prize!

I can honestly say that I'm truly happy right now. I don't have everything I want, but I'm making baby steps towards a better me every day. Through a series of emotional events, and I'm sure more to come, I'm learning how to be happy alone and embrace myself for what I'm worth and what I'm capable of. I'm learning how to push myself and find inspiration to achieve more in my life. It's a tough journey, but I'm facing new challenges and gaining new strength. It's harsh on my feet walking this road... but I'm walking. Hard. Down life's... rocky road.......? Have I taken it too far? Or does anyone else want to watch Walk Hard and eat ice cream right now?

Under Pressure, Pushing Down on Me

This week started off so well, it's shocking to me that it could turn so ugly. I had two amazing days of hanging out with some great guy friends of mine, turned into an absolutely horrid night last night and fearful morning today. If the crappy gets any worse, I may lose it this week.

I feel pressure every day to keep myself responsible and sane. There's a lot going on in this brain of mine, and it's distracting when it comes to my responsibilities. I think I need to start meditating...or yoga. Or something. Music definitely keeps me sane. As stated before, I write about things I can't say out loud...or shouldn't. This relieves a lot of pressure and anxiety. Anxiety is a big problem of mine. I have also spoken about this before, but it really hit home last night. Through a series of unfortunate events, I had a major panic attack last night. I called two of my best friends, Jamie Goss and Daniel Erde, and they both called back immediately with loving words and open arms/ears. What a lucky girl I am to have such amazing friends! The night got worse before it got better, but I got home, put on some tunes, and sat back to let the beauty of music heal my damaged heart and soul. Have I mentioned I'm in love with music?

Pressure is a dangerous thing...it pushes down on your whole body and makes you feel this big. I usually work very well under pressure, but the last couple of days have taken a toll on me. Today is a day for music and love. CAGED system, new songs, my boys, and my bestie/roommate (when she gets home from work). Who needs more than that? I embrace these things when life gets in the way of my happiness. I know I deserve more than what I get, so I go out and get it. I dive into my loves and passions of life and let them take me away to a land of relaxation, acceptance and renewal. Pressure won't get to me, because I refuse to allow it to...get to me. (Aren't you not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition? Did that sentence count since I used the word? I'm confused...) Life is TOO effing short to let these things affect my positive outlook and general happiness in life. I love life. Life loves me. So let's do this!

So. Pressure. Anxiety. Unfortunate events. Negative energy. You can all go to hell...you go to hell and you DIE! That is all.