Addiction- The Cure

I have an extremely addictive personality. I get easily hooked on the most random things, including things I should not do. I'm a known cigarette smoker, I am a very habitual person, including some slight OCD issues... haha. As some of you know. Buuuut... in the right circumstance, this is a good thing for me. I have the ability to create good habits and never lose them. My problem is creating the good habit in the first place. Well, although with a little help (a little LOT of help) from my Grammy, I am hours away from receiving the keys to my very first apartment, all by my lonesome. Obtained on my own. And I couldn't. be. any. friggin'. HAPPIER.

This whole "achieving-things-on-my-own" bit is kinda' nice! What a rewarding feeling... sure, I've been on my own for 8 years now, but I've always had someone there as support- be it a roommate, boyfriend, or staying with family. This is the first time I've ever been completely on my own, and it feels AH-mazing! Now, I did receive some financial "aid" if you will, but it's only because my crappity crap credit score is low, requiring a double-deposit on this "dream apartment" of mine. Had I NOT had such bad credit, I could've easily paid the deposit on my own. Good enough for me!

This feeling of joy... of accomplishment... of pure and undeniable hope and excitement for the future is truly... addicting. Please, sir- I want some more! Yes, please. I have a long list of things I've been wanting to accomplish, and the fire is lit, yet again! Except this time, my head is at last clear of all nonsense. "Lay to rest the wastes of time..." My mind is mine once again, and it's time to get down to fuckin' business. Darn it!

A whole new chapter, fo' shizzle. Nizzle. This is my time to shine... and I don't mean some freak in a poorly-acted movie. Sorry Twizzle. I feel great and I just can't hide my smile these days! It really is a new beginning for me... at last.

A New Beginning - At Last

Wow. You know you really care about someone when you're happy to see them so happy. I had a couple of people tell me this new thing said person has won't last... but even if it doesn't, he just looks so damn happy, I'm almost at peace with it. At the same time, it makes this whole thing a little bit sadder for me.

It's strange how attached you can allow yourself to become to someone in such a short time. (Wow. "Editor's note": That sentence bugs the crap out of me, but I don't know how else to word it. Ha!) I'm sad, but again, relieved. It's all kind of a blur, so I'm left with thoughts of the future. Which I'm really excited about! I'm sooo close to moving into this dream apartment of mine... I'm working out a few kinks, but everything's in my hands. Now, if I could just get some damn movers! ANYONE! Seriously. Please? :D

I have a lot I want to accomplish. One such thing is getting back into music. I miss it more than ever, and I'm aching to feel that guitar in my hand again with newfound perspective and creative juices raring to go... I feel very good things in the future of Shaneil's "music career", in the sense that I'm anxious to actually do something. My little "gig" seems ages ago... another loss in the mess I made. But I'm ready to find it again, and ecstatic to do so!

Things are going to be okay. I truly believe that. It doesn't mean I won't hurt. It doesn't mean I won't ache. It certainly doesn't mean I won't cry. But it does mean that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and my track is finally on course again. Come here, life! Gimme a hug!

I Saw The Sign...s

Ohhh, what a silly little woman I am! Looking back on everything, I keep seeing the "signs". I feel like one of the characters from "He's Just Not That Into You". I had outside perspectives, similar situations, and the undying hope of something happening- all clouding my mind. Blinded by like...

Sometimes, we want something so bad, we ignore the signs. When you're grasping onto any kind of hope, you tend to only see and hear what you want. All directions pointed to "never gonna happen", but I would take the smallest inkling of possibility and run with it... never looking back at the mess I left behind. Kind of makes me want to kick myself in the ass... but again, it's just another lesson learned. No need to berate myself for following my heart, just need to remember to keep my head on straight in the process.

I keep flashing back to random memories, and end up laughing to myself about the evidence I refused to see... so much makes sense now. So. Much. It actually feels good to look back and recognize what I couldn't back then... I feel like I'm reliving the entire course of events, with a brand new perspective. Boy, was I way off track! Such is this crazy life we're living...

It's been such a rollercoaster ride of a year, up and down and side to side and... ugh, it's making me sick. Haven't I already said I don't like rollercoasters??? Sheesh! I'm planting my feet back on the ground and staying there, damn it! So much and yet so little has happened... but it's all pushing me in the direction that I need to be headed. I'm learning lessons and picking up new tricks along the way. My perspective is completely revamped and I'm reentering my world with hope, courage, love and self-worth. Most importantly, I'm no longer ignoring the signs. The universe has my back if I choose to listen, so I'm all ears. Literally. I had surgery to replace my limbs with extra ears- you can never be too prepared! Or... prepEARed...? Okay, that was a stretch. This is why I write at night.

Me, Myself and I

It's been a long 24 hours... yet, suddenly it's over, and I'm thinking- "What the hell just happened?" I feel different... but I feel relieved more than anything. I feel like I should be sad, but I can't seem to put my head down. Gah... I just thought thoughts that I cannot write down. Focus, Shaneil!

I think sometimes it takes a little heartbreak to reveal those who truly care. They remind you that you are truly blessed and refocus your attention to what's important. I have felt pretty darn good all day, minus the intermittent conversation with said person. It got better... but it's definitely going to be a "friendship-in-progress". I need time to be alone. What better timing than a week before I move out on my own, by myself? Hmm... touche, life.

This is certainly a new chapter for me. I have let things slide by and time slip away on the hope of something I knew would never happen. Ha, it's been a long time since I've been in the, um... "field", is it? I got carried away in the thought of something I thought would be good for me... I don't regret it, because I wrote some pretty kick-ass songs through it all. Songs you should all be hearing soon. That's right, people. As soon as I get into this new apartment... and get paid again haha... I'm restringing my poor, lonesome guitar and revisiting an old love. It's been too long... I'll never be unfaithful again.

Times, they are a-changin'... that's for damn sure! The shock I didn't expect numbed the initial pain of it all... I'm sure a good cry is in order, but for now I'm holding my head high and moving forward. I feel confident in the fact that one day, I will meet someone who recognizes what I stand for, appreciates the joy I find in life, and cherishes the love I share... Just little ol' me. In the meantime? I'm my own fuckin' best friend, and it's about time I acted like it.

A Lesson Learned

I feel like such an idiot tonight. Why I ever let anything get built up in my head... my fucking imagination is a double-edge sword. It can inspire and create beautiful songs, poetry and whatnot... but when it comes to something I really want that will probably never happen or is too good to be true... welllll then it tends to get out of hand and I'm left with the shattered pieces of my heart in the end. Welcome to my world.

I've talked about how "not looking for anything" is a crock of shit. Well, it's true. You're not looking for anything until you find something worth looking for... I recently found something worth looking for. Unfortunately, this person did not feel the same. Unbeknownst to me, though, I held on and hoped for the best. Now I'm sitting here, ashamed and disappointed in myself for ever thinking otherwise. What a cruel world life can be... especially when emotions are involved. I let this person have a part of me that is held onto only for those deserving... I can only hope he feels guilty for the pain he's caused. He knew how I felt, or at least, knew I was interested...

I said to my friend tonight, "Even though it's not, do you ever feel like you're having the worst night of your life?" Well, I'm starting to think it was the best. The best thing that could've happened to me was the slap in the face I received tonight to show me I need to move on... it's funny; I've heard, from a couple of people (indirectly), that this person is incredibly selfish... the universe has been telling me to move on to something different, but the fact that this person happens to hit every quality I look for held me back from seeing the truth. Now, I can only look forward and truly believe in the fact that being alone is exactly what I need right now. The best part? HE is missing out... not me.

I take pride in the fact that I am an excellent lover and supporter... if you are the one and only in my life, nothing else matters. I dedicate myself to someone, while still keeping the necessary space. It wasn't always this way, but I've grown into a woman someone should be proud to call their own. I am intelligent, creative, caring, beautiful and confident in myself. So, you know what? I'm happy. Secretly, I've been hoping something would go wrong. Sounds strange, but I have felt recently that this is neither healthy, nor necessary in my life at the moment. I'm embarking on a lot of new adventures, and I need to think about myself and ONLY myself. So, thank you, unnamed asshole. Yes, you can be a good friend, but when it came to my heart, you destroyed an instinct I thought rang true. Another lesson learned, another page turned. This is another chapter, another story... another memory that will resonate in a beautiful new song. You already inspired so many... why not ice the cake?

Home Alone

It's starting to really hit me, the adventure I'm about to embark on. I've never lived completely alone, and I'm beginning to run down the list of fears I hide from the rest of ya'll... you know, to avoid embarrassment? Yes, I had to dictionary.com that little sucker. And yes, I was right! Ha!

Being around people keeps me sane. I don't like to be alone; we've covered this. Well, I admitted this. Anyways. Being alone gives way to many opportunities for my imagination to run wild and stir up my anxiety. The funny thing is, as afraid as I thought I would be, I'm feeling pretty confident about the move. I feel safe knowing I have a little protecter in my pup, Buster. (I'll miss the crap out of Bernie, but he'll be in excellent hands with my soon-to-be ex-roomie.) The natural ability to pick up the sound of a flippin' fly landing on the wall, Buster being with me already alleviates a good deal of the ridiculous situations I picture myself getting into. So, that's covered.

I think this time alone, in a new setting, under my terms is going to be quite good for me. I've already made some mental promises to myself as far as things I would like to change, keep, and improve upon in life. I feel good about the move, though it will be lonely. Luckily, mine and the roommate's opposite, busy schedules has allowed for some practice "alone-time". I've gotten used to the silence, and am able to find the beauty in it. To just exist. To just be. And to fill it with the sounds of things I love- music, my little guy running around, the strum of my guitar, the sound of the pages turning in a good book, the pots and pans against the stove... I'm SO excited! This is definitely a good thing. Nay, a fabulous one!

It's a new chapter in my life, and I'm looking forward to the text. I have the potential to achieve the things I truly want, and there's no flippin' time like the present! Keep my head on straight, held high, and clear of the grime my imagination leaves behind. That sort of rhymed. And another time! ..... Should I keep on tryin'? ... Okay, I'm really done- or am I...in? Crap.

Speak the Unspoken

I know I ramble on and moan and groan on this blog... but I don't do this for other people. I do this for myself. Anyone even remotely interested in what I have to say is flattering to me, but I'm not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything. I just need this. If I don't get some of the thoughts in my head out, I may explode one day. I'm thankful for my always-movin' mind because it makes me somewhat intelligent, thoughtful and creative... I just wish it would slow down every once in a while... take a break. Sometimes, I feel like one of those fools with a stick protruding from my head, dangling some secret desire of mine that my mind is racing to find. We all know how that story ends...

Today... is a sad day. My family is about to lose a member; and for one person in particular, they are experiencing some very mixed emotions. Emotions I can certainly relate to... you see, my great-grandfather (my Grammy's father) is on life-support and about to pass on... their relationship is a complicated one, but I'm not here to air someone else's laundry...

I'm here because the whole ordeal has thrown me into thoughts of my family. I've had a good life, but it was littered with drama, pain, hidden feelings, regret, loneliness... of course, everyone has their own story; their own pain and experiences. Mine is just another example. The biggest issue for me has always been my father. I don't know if I'm ready to talk about that... but I will say that I understand the feelings my grandmother is feeling right now, as she says goodbye to someone so important, who was never around. I do, however, need to talk about something... so I will finally talk about... Monte.

To understand Monte, you have to understand that side of the family first. My grandparents were strict, but kind and loving. You were well taken care of, but taught the value of every penny counting. I know this, because my dad left me in their care until I was 16. Which, at this point, I'm thankful for. They brought me up well, and I'm grateful for everything they've ever done for me. Monte stayed with us for most of my childhood, and when he eventually moved out, he bought the house next door. Needless to say, he was a big part of my life. Monte was more outgoing, outspoken and honest than the rest of the family. I loved him for it... I always had a lot of respect for the person he was. I lost touch with him once living on my own, as I had fallen into a lifestyle of partying and "finding myself". It took a lot of great talks with my Papa and prayer to not fall into a pit of regret for those lost years... but Monte loved me through it all. Unbeknownst to me for most of those years, he kept a room ready for me in his house, just in case I ever needed it. My well-being was always in the back of his mind, no matter what. He was more than an uncle to me, he was the big brother I never had, and the father figure I craved all my life.

When Monte passed, it was so sudden and unexpected. I received the call at work from my step-aunt to come home... and I knew immediately that someone had died. I don't know how I knew, but you just do. The whole way there, I thought it was my father... I cannot even begin to describe the emotions running through me that entire car ride. It was absolutely horrible. I don't have it in me to describe what happened when I arrived, but when I found out who it was... have you ever had every inch of breath leave your body and all of your limbs go numb? All at once? I will never forget that moment. I can barely remember the next two weeks. I do not handle loss well. Less than a month later, one of my best friends from high school passed away suddenly.

Mike Gerking was easily loved. He had a mischievous face and could make you laugh your ass off. He was a dear friend of mine, even my prom date one year, and a hell of a musician. Losing someone is tough; losing two of the most important people from my life was tragic. Mike had a lot of health problems he was working through, and eventually passed in his sleep. Monte... Monte left on top of his game. He had just finished a flag-football tournament in Vegas, but missed his flight. He grabbed a rental, drove in the direction of his car, and went off the road into the canal about 20 miles from his destination. He left behind no wife, no kids... but he owned his own home. He was starting a very well-paying job that week. He had many amazing friends (that I met at his funeral... such wonderful people I never knew existed). And he had my heart. No matter what happened in my life, I knew he had my back. There are days I think I see him, and my heart stops. It's been 5 1/2 years, but to this day, it feels like yesterday.

It feels good to talk about him... I've never put in writing what I went through. Though I didn't share all of the details, it feels good to put something down. I've learned that people live on through you... through your memories of them; stories, experiences... talking about them keeps them alive in your heart. I'm thinking of my Grammy tonight, as she embarks on a journey of pain, loss and acceptance. I pray she finds peace in her heart for the life they shared, and the life they didn't. I feel blessed that I helped her through a bit of it today over a nice phone conversation... losing someone is never easy. Everyone has a special place in our hearts that no one else can fill. So do your heart a favor, and let those people know where they stand. You just never know what tomorrow brings, or doesn't...

The Waiting... Is The Hardest Part

There are a million things I want to write about... and it's the best feeling I've had in a long time. I've been wading through life recently with hope leading the way. Hope for this, hope for that... the point is, I've been keeping my head high and praying for the best. I have faith in the potential for good things to happen to me if I allow them. My problem? It's hard for me to allow them... every time things start going good, I find myself sitting back waiting for the bad to break the spell of happiness washing over me. Old habits die hard; this is what I'm used to in life. Not being dramatic, just being realistic. Well, I'm growing up fast and I'm tired of waiting around.

Too often we sit around waiting for good things to come to us. Well, that's not really how life works. If you really want something, go get it. Short, but sweet. Last year, I really took hold of this perspective. Everything I set out to accomplish that year, I accomplished. It was an amazing feeling... that I miss. I do feel like I have accomplished some this year, but my focus and attention have been in dire need of redirection. You want to know what's really been on my mind? How can I put this...

I'm reaching my limit's end waiting for something that is probably never going to happen. The only thing holding me back from knowing the full truth is my fear of the answer. So- I either make my peace with the situation as it is and move on... or I face my fear. For today, I'm making my peace with the situation. It's not that bad of one, though my dreams taunt me with my utmost desires. Bastards. I have already calmed some anxiety on the subject through some slips of honesty and appreciation of what I have. I can be a very patient person, so I'm enjoying the ride down a path of least-resistance. Simple as that.

Life is what you make of it, right? So I'm making it a more peaceful, enjoyable one. I've been waiting around for something to just- happen... something to jolt me out of my funk. Not just with the aforementioned situation, but with life in general. But it's not just going to come rolling up to my door on a silver platter. I have to fight for it... earn it... in the end, it's always worth so much more when achieved that way.

In addition to a mess of wants, I have been waiting... and waiting... and WAITING for this writer's block to dissipate. Today, I broke through. Halle-fricken'-lujah! Taking some lyrics I wrote a few months ago, I grabbed my roomie's guitar and wrote the melody. Just the feel of the guitar in my hands was enough to get me going... it has been WAY too long. If you're not a musician, it's tough to understand the relationship you have with your instrument; be it a tangible one or a vocal one. Everyone has a passion, though- something that truly makes them happy in life. Something they would do for free if they could... and do. It's exactly like having an actual human relationship... you fight; you make-up; you have incredible moments; you have frustrating moments. It's a rollercoaster ride that I will never turn down. Passion makes life worth living. Those moments that take your breath away... it's the same with people. When you truly love someone, they provide the happiest and saddest moments of your life. They can make you feel like the only person in a crowded room, yet know just the right buttons to push to send you into a blind fury. What they do with the information at hand is what really proves the love... but anyways. I love my tangents!

It's going to take a little more momentum to bring back my wit, creating a more pleasurable read. So... bear with me? Please? In the meantime, I'm inching towards getting Shaneil a real, live life. No more waiting around. Embrace my passion for life and let my smile do the rest! 'Cause when you're smiling, I hear the whole world smiles with you. :D

Nobody Knows It But Me

It has been quite some time since I've posted... not sure why. I guess I needed some time to keep my thoughts to myself. I've been slowly but surely settling in to this new life of mine... and I'm happy to say that everything's pretty darn good right now! Work has slowed a bit, in the sense that the relieved pressure from pushing my promotion back has proved successful. I am finally feeling more comfortable and able to put into motion the plans I have for that store... and yes, I'm excited! I love work. I take pride in it, no matter the job. And heck, I love this job!

Staying away from this blog has almost made me forget how to blog... Ha! Me? Unable to ramble on about something? Unlikely. I guess the subject matter currently crowding a good portion of this girl's mind is just too personal... it's complicated. A great escape from the truth...

It's interesting to me how everyone keeps certain things inside... hidden from the rest of the population. Even being an extremely honest person, there are certain things I share with certain people; certain things I keep to myself; certain things no one will ever know... most likely. And we all have these things inside of us that we hold in and bury deep and wish away and blah blah blah... but how much can you really hold in? What's the limit to the capacity of crap floating around your head, heart and soul? How long do you hold on to this information before it finally explodes out of you? Or is it necessary to keep to yourself? How do you judge which is which? It's flippin' exHAUSTing! Too much thinking... can destroy you. Sometimes, you need to get the negative out and the positive finds its way inside. This is not to say the information shared is negative, just that the collection of such is dangerous... the mildew and mold of buried feelings has the potential to stink up a lot of your life. And I don't like to stink.

I've been sticking to my gut, and following my heart. I'm making decisions in my life that are improving the quality of it and refreshing my positive outlook. I'm finding the voice I thought I had lost... I hit a bump in the road, and for a while, felt stuck upon it like a frog on a lily pad... with a broken leg. Which makes it hard to hop. Or swim. In case you didn't get the comparison... I'm not very clever these days! But- I'm happy. I'm taking each day as a new opportunity to live it how I see fit. Things are slowly falling into place... one step at a time. Though I cannot disclose what is mainly on my mind, I hope to fall back into writing this blog again. I miss it. It's a great way to practice my knack for writing and my need for release. Now, if people would stop drinking so many damn skinny, 1 equal, no foam, half-caf lattes- maybe I wouldn't be so exhausted when I get home every night! Or maybe I just need one... or two.