I'm All Shook Up

So many interesting things happening in my life right now... some good, sooome... not so good. "Well, what on earth do you mean, Shaneil?" Oh! Listen up!

I guess I shouldn't get you too excited... some 'happenings' in my life are better left unsaid at the moment... I am definitely feeling a twist of emotions, as I bounce between hope for the future, and angst for what may occur. I have accomplished so much recently, and am extremely proud of it... but. I am about to learn a tough lesson in sticking to my gut and following my moral instincts. It has shaken me awake to the fact that it could all disappear in an instant. No matter the outcome, I only have myself to blame, and that is not a fun feeling. Taking full responsibility for actions that damage your life is a difficult, but necessary, choice. As I've said before, you choose the outcome of your life. You can't control what's given to you, but you can and should control how you handle it. Having taken a situation and chosen the wrong path, I am dealing with the consequences, whatever they may be, and continuing down this path called life the best way I know how... true to myself; true to my heart.

My career is either going to take a very sharp turn, or continue on with a slap on the hand... in any case, my perspective is completely revamped and my guard up more than ever. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I chose to do something wrong and am feeling the pain as I await the results... In my life, I've always believed in good karma. Call it what you want, but every time I chose to be honest and true when I could've attempted the alternative, something good came back around and proved my choice valid. Now, I sit and stew as I find out what the bad can be... another lesson learned; another growth opportunity. I guess we'll just see...

On the other side of the rusty penny, I'm embracing love from all directions. I have a large number of people in my life who care about me, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. You know who you are, and I appreciate you. No matter what happens in life, having a strong support system can get you through the toughest of times. While my journey continues to move up and down, I can always count on the fact that I have a number of shoulders to cry on, lean on, or rest on with a smile on my face. Most importantly, I have myself to count on... and Buster. :) If I get down on myself, he reminds me that at least one being has unconditional love for me... even if I make a mistake. He's my little guy, and my big rock. I just love the heck out of him!

When life throws the ball in your face, go for three more and take the base! Or walk to the mound and punch life in the mouth. Either way, the earth may move below your feet, shaking your world and knocking things down a bit... but if you keep your balance, head on straight, and eyes looking forward- everything falls into place exactly as it should be. So yes, I'm a bit anxious to see what the next couple of weeks hold, but I know that everything happening to me is leading me in the direction it's supposed to... my future. No one else's future, just mine. What I do with it is in my hands, and I prefer the driver's seat over the passenger's. I like to hold the remote. And I wanna push the button!! Okay, I love you, buh bye!

I Just Can't Hide It...

WOW! Has it really been a month?? It doesn't feel like it... yet it feels like forever. It's partially thanks to my incompetent computer... donations for a new one can be sent here:
...you can't see it, but that's my hand.

I'm sure many of you have realized by now that I have a problem... for when do I truly need written word as therapy than when I have a problem? Such is life... yadda yadda yadda. I'm realizing more and more about myself as I travel down the lonely path of singledom... which I'm sure I've mentioned before. I do not forsee much wit in this post, so bear with me...

Every time any glimmer of hope for love comes into my path, I get so damn excited that I push it away. It's a horrible curse that I cannot seem to break. Someone HELP ME! Seriously. Slap me. Or something. Something to wake. my. ass. UP! Nobody likes an overbearing, overattentive loon such as myself... but when I view someone as simply a friend, and treat said person as such, they seem to fall so easily. So what's the deal? I either treat someone as a friend and receive the awkwardness of them pursuing more... orrr I finally feel something and get so flippin' excited that they run for the hills. This is a problem. A problem that lies solely in my hands; my life; my actions. How irritating! Why can't I just relax and let life happen? Well... this is why, folks.

When something good happens to me, I immediately prepare for the worst. Because of this, I decide to hold on as tightly as possible until ultimately, said "good thing" disappears... running in the other direction to avoid their impending doom... my love. 'Cause who the hell wants that??! *Siiigh*

I think that guys and gals are so interesting... guys don't want you to chase. They want to chase. I realize this. I'm aware of this. Yet, when a good guy presents himself, I tend to overbear and overpush and overdo ev.er.y.thing. Annoying, I know. I just can't help it! Then, he becomes just not that into me. And so the vicious circle continues...

I've been (well, previously been) preaching about how you have to focus on yourself... but, myself needs love. She needs attention. She thrives off having someone there to focus on and be attentive with... I can only give myself so much love. I can only be there for myself so much. I can only sit around and talk to myself so much... yes, I do that. Are you really surprised? Get outta' here... seriously. Go.

One day... someday... I will find that one; that one that gets me... that understands me... that appreciates me. My impatience is truly a curse... BUT. When I do find that someone, everything will come into place and feel right... or maybe even wrong. In any case, I will find it. When? Shit... you tell me.

Movin' On Forward

It is quite late, and I was curled up, ready for sleep... but I felt a desire to write I haven't felt in a while... sooo... I'm going with it.

As I lay my head down to the pillow, I instantly realized something. Like a shot in the dark, it jolted me. Once again, I've been misguiding my focus onto things I need not be... misguiding them... to. Or something like that. I'm losing faith in myself, as I start my same routine all over again- procrastination, dreaminess, bad habits...

I had an interesting moment tonight; moments, in fact, right before I lay down to attempt sleep. I talked to God. Now, I don't usually discuss religion on here, mainly because I dislike stirring up strong debates over such touchy subjects... I have high anxiety, remember? BUT. For tonight, I will tell you that I do believe we are far too special to not have something greater than us, out there, watching over us... in one way or another. I do believe most of what I've learned from Christianity. However, I have my own special relationship with said "being" that may go against normal standards. I am comfortable in the fact that I try to live my life the best I can, but acknowledge that I make mistakes and feel remorse for them. I'm tryin'...

Moving along, I had a talk with God... and having not done so in quite some time, I realized how faith is so easily lost. For myself, at least. Without notice, I've lost a little faith in... me... and it's brought my mood down a bit the past few days. What a relief to have realized it this soon! As soon as I have these smack you in the face moments... well. I feel like I've been smacked in the face! It really wakes me up to a new single-life situation that I'm just not used to, I suppose. This is my first time, living completely alone, and it's not always easy. BUT. But, but, but... it is absolutely, totally, one-hundred friggen' percent... worth. it. I'm only a month in, but each day is a tiny hurdle... Tonight, I feel refreshed. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as I return my focus to myself, once again. Not to fear, folks- Shaneil's figurin' shit out!

I'm now even more excited that I already have another 2 days off, coming up soon. Everything's coming together, piece by piece. This puzzle of a life has so much color, some gray areas, even just black and white... but it's all building towards something greater, and I feel it more than ever. I feel myself growing every day, into the woman I've always wanted to be. It's my time to shine, and this fire is BLAZIN'!

Deep Space

*Siiigh* I've been blogging less and less and it makes me sad... but it's a good thing. A very good thing. Life has kept me busy lately and it's a refreshing sense of adventure. I'm out on my own, doing everything on my own, surrounded by family and friends that truly care about me... me me. Not someone I pretend to be so people can tolerate me... they just take my crazy, emotional, dreamy self and love me for who I am. It's quite a feeling to know people truly appreciate you and believe in you. In this new apartment, I feel alive... alive in a way I never have. And I'm making moves at a job I love, yet reconnecting with my passion, music. Ohhh music, I've missed the hell out of you!

As with anyone, though, my life is faaar from perfect. I'm hitting my own bumps in the road, but I'm holding my head high, believing in myself in a way I thought I never could. But yes, I'm looonely. Boo-fricken'-hoo. I greatly dislike feeling this way, but it comes with the territory. I like having someone to come home to, or someone to hold hands with. I know it's cheesy, but I do love love. Who doesn't? I'm accepting and somewhat comfortable with this state of being, but I do not have to like it! *crosses arms*

I'm not particularly interested in discussing one specific topic in this post... I'm sort of just... thinking out loud? Or aloud? Which is it? Anyways. I guess I've been struggling with this "blog" because I'm almost afraid to say "out loud/aloud" what I'm really thinking... which is DEFINITELY a first for me! I guess... I'm still settling into this new feeling... so it's difficult to express. I feel completely different, yet remain the same ol' me. I'm not sure what it all means yet, but I feel good about the future. I can only imagine what it holds, which is dangerous for me, so I'm preparing for the worst, yet hoping for the best. It's strange... I cannot even, for the life of me, be the least bit witty! Sorry folks, guess Shaneil's on a different playing field now. I'd watch for foul balls.

New Dawn, New Day, New Life... Part 3

Leave it to your best friend to keep you motivated, even if from about 230 miles away! The last two weeks have flown on by, but it's only because I've been so incredibly happy, I barely noticed. I've missed you, blogger- let's chat!

Many of my friends are getting married, getting pregnant, getting puked on by their little ones; but today, it's just me and my little man, Buster. My new place is everything and more... more than I imagined it could be. Sure, it's just a little studio in the heart of Koreatown... but it's so perfect for me, I could puke on myself! From my own space, to the building, to the landlord and all of the tenants within, it is a place I call home with a smile on my face. :) <---see?

I preach about the fact that we control what we receive in life, but it's more than that... it's being able to put yourself out there for good things to happen to you. Sometimes, you have to put pride, dignity, and all of that other rubbish on the shelf, and truly strive for what you want. When I came to view this apartment, I immediately fell in love. Nothing could stop me from getting my dream apartment, not even myself! Through reaching out to friends and family for help financially, manually labor...ly, and emotionally, I achieved my goal and am now sitting in said dream apartment, Buster by my side, helicopters filling the air, a breeze flowing through my windows (which, by the way, face a pretty nice view of LA! Did I mention my last apartment had two windows? That faced walls? WALLS?!) I am exactly where I need to be, and it took letting my guard down and asking for help. They say there's nothing wrong with asking for help, and I stand here as your proof. It is TOTALLY worth it!

Though I give due credit to those who helped me in one way or another, I take pride in the fact that this happened because I made it happen. I made the steps to acquire what I needed to achieve this goal... as for the last two weeks in new habitat? Ohhhh boy...

Through battles with a lack of funds, a lack of necessary moving help, a lack of time, stow away roaches, deflating air mattresses, and so on... I came out on the other side with newfound friendships with amazing neighbors, an aching desire to come home every night, discoveries of little gems in markets that smell like spoiled milk (a broom for a dolla'?? Holla'!), and the perfect setting for me to fall back in love with my true love... music. That's right, kids! I fixed what I thought was a broken string, and have been playing/singing every. flippin'. DAY! My voice has never sounded better, my confidence has never been so strong, and my heart has never been so full of a driving force pushing me towards what I truly want: to attempt something with my music. I need to really dive into it with practice and practice aaaaand... more practice first, but it's coming... oh, yes! It's coming...

I've met some boys and had some fun, I've snuggled my pup when the day is done. I've hung some clothes and dressed some walls, I've reminisced through unpacking it all. This life is mine and only for me, and it's finally what I want it to be... look out world, Shaneil's in the driver's seat, and her high beams are blinding any obstacle in her way! It's a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me... and damn it, I'm feelin' gooooooood.

Addiction- The Cure

I have an extremely addictive personality. I get easily hooked on the most random things, including things I should not do. I'm a known cigarette smoker, I am a very habitual person, including some slight OCD issues... haha. As some of you know. Buuuut... in the right circumstance, this is a good thing for me. I have the ability to create good habits and never lose them. My problem is creating the good habit in the first place. Well, although with a little help (a little LOT of help) from my Grammy, I am hours away from receiving the keys to my very first apartment, all by my lonesome. Obtained on my own. And I couldn't. be. any. friggin'. HAPPIER.

This whole "achieving-things-on-my-own" bit is kinda' nice! What a rewarding feeling... sure, I've been on my own for 8 years now, but I've always had someone there as support- be it a roommate, boyfriend, or staying with family. This is the first time I've ever been completely on my own, and it feels AH-mazing! Now, I did receive some financial "aid" if you will, but it's only because my crappity crap credit score is low, requiring a double-deposit on this "dream apartment" of mine. Had I NOT had such bad credit, I could've easily paid the deposit on my own. Good enough for me!

This feeling of joy... of accomplishment... of pure and undeniable hope and excitement for the future is truly... addicting. Please, sir- I want some more! Yes, please. I have a long list of things I've been wanting to accomplish, and the fire is lit, yet again! Except this time, my head is at last clear of all nonsense. "Lay to rest the wastes of time..." My mind is mine once again, and it's time to get down to fuckin' business. Darn it!

A whole new chapter, fo' shizzle. Nizzle. This is my time to shine... and I don't mean some freak in a poorly-acted movie. Sorry Twizzle. I feel great and I just can't hide my smile these days! It really is a new beginning for me... at last.

A New Beginning - At Last

Wow. You know you really care about someone when you're happy to see them so happy. I had a couple of people tell me this new thing said person has won't last... but even if it doesn't, he just looks so damn happy, I'm almost at peace with it. At the same time, it makes this whole thing a little bit sadder for me.

It's strange how attached you can allow yourself to become to someone in such a short time. (Wow. "Editor's note": That sentence bugs the crap out of me, but I don't know how else to word it. Ha!) I'm sad, but again, relieved. It's all kind of a blur, so I'm left with thoughts of the future. Which I'm really excited about! I'm sooo close to moving into this dream apartment of mine... I'm working out a few kinks, but everything's in my hands. Now, if I could just get some damn movers! ANYONE! Seriously. Please? :D

I have a lot I want to accomplish. One such thing is getting back into music. I miss it more than ever, and I'm aching to feel that guitar in my hand again with newfound perspective and creative juices raring to go... I feel very good things in the future of Shaneil's "music career", in the sense that I'm anxious to actually do something. My little "gig" seems ages ago... another loss in the mess I made. But I'm ready to find it again, and ecstatic to do so!

Things are going to be okay. I truly believe that. It doesn't mean I won't hurt. It doesn't mean I won't ache. It certainly doesn't mean I won't cry. But it does mean that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and my track is finally on course again. Come here, life! Gimme a hug!